Hi

I lost my mum to ovarian cancer in Feb this year. She was 59 and although she had been fighting cancer for two years, she died suddenly due to kidney failure. The day she died she had been gardening and painted a canvas for her bedroom. She sat down to watch some TV and 3 hours later she had died.

I did ok at first, sorted out the funeral with my Dad, made sure all the family were ok and spent some time with Dad to help him get sorted out and my Grandmother who was and still is inconsolable.

Four months later and I am back at home trying to get on with my own life and its like the grief has suddenly hit me in the face like a sledgehammer!! I am 32 years old, no kids, supposed to be getting married in four weeks time and I feel like my life is over. My mum was a huge part of life, we were best friends and I miss her so much.

I am not sure how I can deal with this grief and make it better, I am worried that I will become depressed and push away my partner. Maybe I already am and have? I do not want to start married life, with a divorce!!!

People keep trying to say that I should try not to think about her and that will stop me from being upset, but I feel so guilty when I don't think about her for more than a few hours. When I am on my own I think about her constantly and still can not believe that she has gone.

I guess I thought it might help to chat to people who understand but that are not known to me. I just do not want to end up at the doctors and taking pills.

Thanks for listening/reading

EJ

Hiya, Im sorry for your loss. Although my loss wasnt my mother, I know how it feels to loose someone you are close too. It took me ages to come to terms with my loss, not because I had to stay strong for others but just because I couldnt accept it. I expected her to come back, every day I would wake up and expect it all to have been some bad dream but it wasn't. The day it hit me that it was true was the hardest day of my life, the day I felt I lost a part of me.
I closed myself off from everyone around me, I figured it was easier that way because I couldnt face loosing anyone else I loved. I couldnt bear to be torn apart like I was at the time. I didnt realise at the time that it would make me struggle so much with simple everyday things like answering the phone or door or even leaving the house. I couldnt do those things because panic would just set in. I wasn't sleeping, I was having bad dreams and I had the worst pain inside of me - mostly in my chest.
Someone recommended I go and visit a spiritualist as they had been and had found great comfort in it. I myself was aprehenisve - scared because of the unknown. Little did I know at the time that it would be the most rewarding thing i could have done. I went and I was so taken back emotionally because as soon as I walked in the lady said to me that I wasnt alone, she also descibed my pain better than I myself could have explained it (and this lady didnt know me or my situation). She described my Auntie perfectly and said she was with me. She explained that when people pass away their spirit doesnt die and that they live on still being a big part of our lives. Im not sure whether its 100% true but for me it was the most comforting thing - just what I needed. The lady described things which had happened in my life - special events which I thought my auntie had missed out on because she had passed, she spoke of moments when I had had to be alone because I had cried at the fact I missed my auntie so much; times when I thought no one had seen me cry. To me it was confirmation that people dont leave us, that they stay with us and I started to believe in that greatly. I got books, went to meetings etc and started on my path to deal with the death but not the loss.
Im not sure whether that would be a belief you would embark on but its something I have come to truly believe and I found great comfort in it. I re opened myheart to everyone around me and I went on to not only do my grief counselling but also to put hope and comfort into people's lives. I go about my daily life now knowing that my auntie is very much apart of my life, I no longer miss her at special events because I know she is there with me.
I hope this message helps you in some way and if its something you disagree with then I apologise. If you would like to talk further then I hope I can be here to listen and hopefully help you.
Take care
Jo x

So sorry to hear of your loss. My wife died in March and I have 2 children aged 22 and 19. I know my daughter in particualr is finding things difficult but the one thing I have learned about grieving is that there is no right or wrong way to do it. Don't feel guilty for grieving however you do it. There is no easy answer and there seems to be no way to predict your feelings and emotions. I do know that I do get great comfort in seeing my children getting on with their lives as they should be doing and as my wife and I did when we were their age. It is so difficult but maybe try to think of the joy you are bringing as well as the grief you are suffering. I wish you well. Good

pneylan

Hello EJ,

I have just read your letter and felt I had to get in touch. I am the same age as you and had a very similar relationship with my mum as you did with yours. She died a year ago tomorrow after getting Leukaemia but it was only diagnosed a couple of weeks before she died. She was in her early fifties and someone I suppose I aspired to be really, and still do. My husband also lost his mum last year but their relationship was not as strong so I am hiding my emotions from him as he can't get to grips with this.

Unlike you, I have three children; the third was completely unplanned and I discovered I was pregnant with him a few days before my mum died. She was heavily sedated and was unaware of this. I also have a younger sister whose first baby was born three weeks after my mum's death and is naturally very angry. She also had a brilliant relationship with my mum and I feel like I have taken over my mum's role big time since her death with the rest of the family although I am very aware I could never replace her or want to either. It doesn't help that out of the two of us, I have always been told I look and sound like her and I am more like her in personality.

My relationship with my dad is awkward as he has always found it incredibly hard to show his emotions towards us and his grandchildren and didn't really have much to do with our upbringing. The hard thing now is that we are 'good enough' for him to offload his grief onto and I can't help but feel resentment towards him. I have asked him several times to get professional help for our sake, if not his own, but he keeps telling me he's just got to get on with it. I feel saturated with everyone else's grief and don't have time to deal with my own. I look at my new baby who I know my mum would have adored, just like his siblings, and can't get to grips with why this should have happened to her.
My nan, my mum's mum is also a big worry for me as she is obviously old but she also lost my mum's twin a few days after their birth. (My mum's ashes are buried in the grave).
I know I am lucky in that I have my sister to talk to as we are both in the same boat and we talk and reminisce about my mum all the time but a whole year later, I feel as if we are no further forward in coming to terms with what happened or accepting it.
I completely empathise with you as it looks like you are going through similar cicumstances to me.Can't believe I'm writng on here but something about your letter really struck a chord.
Look after yourself,
Jen x

Hi Jen,

Thanks for responding to my rant.

I think I was just going through one of those stages when I wrote that first message.

I also actually got married this weekend which was especially hard for me but on the other hand I was also very happy and felt like Mum was there.

My Dad struggled but was very brave and toasted mum at the meal. My Grandma also came and was completely full of emotion all day. At 89 and losing her husband and her only daughter I guess she was also very brave and coped well considering.I am worried about her now giving up on life because she might not have anything to look forward too.

I also have a sister, but to be honest we are close regarding somethings but not others and my mums death is one of those others. She seems to breeze through life one minute then be devastated the next and simular to your Dad, then wants lots of attention and to unload her grief onto me. I have been more steady in my grief, apart from a couple of occasions, once when I originally wrote on this site and another three days before I got married. I guess I am allowed every once in a while and my now husband tries to confort me, even when I told him I hated him and did not want to get married anymore.

I am now back at home, going back to work soon and worried about the next few months. I guess because I had the wedding to organise I probably coped better in some ways because I had a focus, but struggled in others due to the stress and not having Mum to help me. I am worried now that if I do not have a focus I will get depressed and slip into a downward spiral. I just need to find a focus that keeps me busy but also honours my Mum in some small way.

It was good to hear from someone who has been through a simular circumstance to me and much of what you have been though mirrors mine. Its hard to talk to people who have never been through what we have been through and I really appreciate your response.

Thanks again

EJ

Thanks to everyone who is responding to any messages on this thread, as it confirms that we all go through a similar process, and as regulars know I am certain that we can get on with our lives, given time. No bereavement is worse or better than any other...they are all horrible, but I know from the fact that I have recoverd fromm the loss of our son, which took ten years, that I can get through the grief of losing my wife. I am also tempted to approach spirtualist help, but have been very nervous of it, so I was interested to read of a successful session. Maybe one day, but not yet!
I am resolving the relationship with my new lady friend, as although we get on extremely well, she told me today that it was too early to become involved, and that she remembered feeling the same way when she lost her husband. I appreciated the gentle warning, but nevertheless, we had a wonderful day out today, and I didn't feel guilty. I suppose bereavement affect people differently at different ages, and the fact that I now have no one to give my love and tenderness too is a great frustration for me, as I have had 50 years of doing just that. We would have been married for 47 years on June 6th but we didn't quite make it. So it is wonderful to have the opporunity to treat someone with love and affection, and I feel sure Pat(my late wife) would have approved. Anyway, thanbks for being there everyone, and I look forward to reading your mailings, as it keeps the lonely demons away.
Love to everyone,
Derry

Hi EJ
I am thinking of you and sending you all my love so very sorry to hear about your Mum.
I can only imagine how you feel I lost my husband and it is probably quite a different feeling to losing your Mum.
I lost Paul last September but it still feels like yesterday some days are better than others but it never really hits home you still expect them to come through the door. My daughters feel the same too you are never quite the same again but we can and will pull one another through this.
This forum is unique and there are some pretty unique caring people on this thread. Everybody understands and has their own version of how to deal with this grief and loss.
Keep going EJ you are doing well pat yourself on the back for each day
you go through you are in all our thoughts.
Love to JW, Louise, Derry and all other friends take care and be strong.

Love Heather

Hi EJ

It was lovely to hear that your wedding went well. Congratulations to you both!
I strongly believe that your Mum was with you on the day and also in all the preparations leading up to it. My Mum had many experiences with mediums over the years which were just too well informed to be phoney.
My husband thinks I'm off my rocker, but if I am feeling more fed up than usual or thinking more about my Mum than usual, I seem to find a little white downy feather in the house or a red admiral butterfly follows me along the road! But if it gives you comfort, what the heck?!
You sound just like me in saying you need something to focus on all the time. That's how I feel even after a year. It's as if I'm telling myself, 'I know Mum's died but if I just keep myself busy for a bit longer, I will deal with my feelings later.'
Having a baby who is now nearly six months old, two other children and other family members grieving too, I have plenty to do and I am so aware I am putting my grief on the back burner but I can't help it. That can't be healthy, can it?
The trouble is, if you're anything like me, you put your emotions last on the list. I mean, look at you getting married for heaven's sake, not really thinking of how the day affected you, just how well your Gran and Dad coped! We are so similar!!
Thanks for replying, at least we know we're not alone in our struggles.

Jen x