before a fall! I'm the guy who thought he could tell people how to get through all this stuff. Too clever by half! Last night I had a really bad session, wide awake half the night going over the dreadful year we had when Pat started with the choking caused by water on the lung, caused by the kidney failure, which was probably partly caussed by the shingles she had the year before, possibly originally caused by the effect of the Htfield train crash in which she fractured her spine, and roughed herself up terribly. The calls to the ambulance to drag her off to the hospital on sdeveral occasions where they couldn't work out what it was. The three 3 a.m. calls I had to go down to the instensive care unit to which they had taken her from the normal ward...she nearly died on each occasion. In some ways it might have been better for her if she had, as after that she ws stuck in the Renal Unit in York for months, and then came home only to be recalled again with the threat that She migh have to lose a leg because of poor circulation. she celebrated her 73rd birthday with 10 of her best friends, and then went back in again. When she vame out in December we had to work on peritoneal dialysis at home, skills I wish I'd never had to learn. (That damned machine, and those huge piles of boxes for liquid that were pumped through her body for 10 hours every night)Then she fell and broke her arm, and they said it wasn't healing because her body was using all its strength to help her survive. After that it was down hill all the way..total incapacity, incontinence , inability even to stagger from the bed to the chair, daily visits from care staff, and the pain of watching her slip down into huniliating degradation. I loved her so much and I weep now to think of it.
Then back into hospital, and the final decision that had to be made to cease the dialysis. Thank God I didn't have to ask her permission..the doctor did that, and I know she accepted it peacefully. Then the days of knowing that she would die within days or weeks. It ttok three days.
And here I am trying to tell people that you can get through it. I know you can, but bloody hell, it's hard, isn't it? No one understands , except people like yourselves, so forgive me for ranting on like this, but I am crying buckets at the moment. Do tears show on the screen?
All right, I'll pull myself together.The rain is pouring down outside, so I can't sensibly go for a long walk which is what I usually do when I feel like this, so I shall just get on with practising (piano, my work instrunent) guitar, the thing I took up to pass the time when I was nursing Pat, and she was asleep in the other room, and finally, ukulelee...did you know that when you pick up ukulele you turn into George Formby...can't help but smile. (Turned out nice again!)That's one thing you can all try to feel better...as I do now for writing to you all.
Sorry to be such a moaner, but I guess that this forum is just for that.
I'll finish by saying that I know I'll get through it, as I got through the last disaster in our lives,and so will all of you, with help from each other. Please.
Love,
Derry

I read your message with tears in my eyes. When things happen in our lives and we are going through them, we often feel we cant get through them, its often harder to see the end result and so many people give up or at least attempt to give up.
We all have things in our lives which tear us apart in some way, often these events take us months if not years to get through and yet even as we move on, we never forget those events because they stay with us. As we move through the process of grief we experience all the what ifs and buts that tear us apart normally more than the event itself. We take on guilt and the feeling that in someway we could have done more even when we know deep down that we couldnt. I guess its all part of caring for the people we love the most.
Death is something I dread, not just of myself but of those left around me, of my parents, family members and best friend. I havealready lost people I love and those losses tore me apart especially that of my friend. I never thought I could get through it or even go on. Every birthday or special event I had to find an excuse to avoid anything social because each time I would find myself in tears wishing for just a second that the person could be there with me. Id avoid anything social full stop and I guess many of my problems now stem from that loss, stem from my past. I became incredibly independant at an early age, I was reluctant to have any form of social conatct, I wasn't one for hugs and stuff and now that is evident in my relationships. I fail to let people close to me because im so scared of loosing them like I did my friend. Im left with all the what ifs and buts, even though I was only a child when my friend went I somehow blame myself thinking I should have done more, I should have known the signs and even though as a child I wouldnt have known what was going to happen, I still beat myself up about it; I guess because I cared so much.
Even now when similar situations arise I panic and all the memories from it come flooding back, I relive it over and over again and I guess I cant help that.
Events like this do bring people together, from my experience I find myself talking on mesage boards, helping younger people to deal with their situations. I couldnt help my friend but from that experience I can help other people, well that is the hope anyway.
Like your message said, we can and do all move on eventually but getting to that stage is so hard and many of us have the same days you have had, we cry buckets. Dont be ashamed to cry though because crying is a natural and good way to relieve some of the emotions we so often keep inside.
And most of all, please remember that no one here is alone, there are always people in this world who understand and who will support you.
There is a way to move on and together we can get there.
Take care
Love Mel xx

Hi Derry
I felt so sad reading your message hope you feel a bit better now.
Its good to let your emotions out I too am finding it very hard to go a day without feeling sorry for myself.
My daughters and I went to the fashion show last night and it hits home more than ever. All the Mums and Dads were there celebrating their daughters achievements and I know Emma wanted more than anything to have her Dad there.
It was very sad and we all missed him more than ever it now seems such a long time since we have seen him and it is ten months.
I wonder how our life will pan out in the future it is very scary and not something I am looking forward to anymore.
I am thinking of you and hoping you can find some comfort.
Try and be strong it is hard nobody told us each day you miss them more and in every situation you think of them.
Take care you are in my thoughts.

Love Heather

Thanks for your kind messages.I'm feeling better today.I knew I would, but that didn't help a lot at the time. I feel for your daughter, Heather, as it must be awful not to have Daddy there when you are achieving the things you aimed for. I find hard not to have any one to tell when I have a good night playing. Even at my age you need appreciation. (I ought to be self sufficient by now, but Pat always picked me up when things went wrong,and I feel that my support has given way).
Fortunately, because I am busy playing, that gets me out at night so the evenings aren't as bad as they could be, and I have developed another outlet, which I couldn't do when Pat was alive as I always stayed in on the nights when I wasn't getting paid. Now I'm living dangerously and singing some of my own songs in a couple of folk clubs (a long way from home!). I've always tried to sell songs, and sold four or five over the years, but now I've decided to sing my own stuff and plan to be a super star within ten years.I'll only be 81 then so I can reap vast rewards.Also I'm making a few new acquaintances (mostly grizzly old men with beards, but it's a start!)
It is is so wonderful to know that people like yourselves care enough to write and boost me up when I crack. I met someone yesterday who hadn't heard the news and I had to tell him. That hurt, as it always does. Still each day gets a little better, and I hope the same happens for you all.
I will try not to be so smug in future, and will cry on line when I need to!
Love, Derry