I would like to say thank you for the kind responses I have had regarding the loss of my mother recently. I have had a few "good" days this week but today feel awful and had an even worse night than usual and feel so drained physically and mentally. My eldest son and daughter are really feeling the loss of my mum and I don't know how to help them, apart from trying to remember the good times we had, which is difficult at the moment as the hospital and hospice are in our minds.

I just wanted to say Hello and see how you are doing. Its still really early on and you are bound to have bad days, I still have bad days now but not nearly as many as I did just after the tragedy happened. Its normal. But if you want to talk then I am always here to listen.
Take care
Lv Mel xx

Many thanks for your kind reply.
Yesterday and today have been quite difficult and I haven't been out of the house as I just couldn't make up my mind what to do or get motivated. I went to my friend's house on Friday night and there were 6 of us and I had quite a good evening, but still felt "flat" I keep going over things and wondering if I could've/should've done more. By the end of my mum's illness I was worn out and didn't have the patience I should've had. We even had minor arguments the week before she passsed away - something we never had before, so I suppose I feel guilty.
I do hope those of you that are suffering will find some kind of peace.

Hi to everyone who responded to me and also to anyone else who is suffering -my thoughts are with you.
I identify with so much that you all write and am so grateful to have this site and your care.
My eldest son is staying at my mum's house until he moves into his flat and today we had my mum's 'phone line disconnected. She had that number for years and I had to 'phone to see if it had been disconnected and it was, and that was really upsetting as that's another part of my mum gone now as well.
There's so much I would like to say to you all as I really appreciate your support and hope that you all find some kind of peace.
Love,
Louise.

Hi Louise,
I am so pleased that you are still letting us know how yuou feel. I honestly believe that it is vital to share your feelings, and often it is strangers who are able to respond more positively as they are not so personally involved. I always found it a great help to talk to strangers after our son died, even though I always cried at the time. There is no shame in crying, and it is a necessary part of grieving. I don't want to sound glib, but I know you will get through this, as we are all doing in our own way. It is particularly hard when, as you say, the memories of the medical struggles are so raw and recent.
We all have our own personal beliefs, but without coming on religious (I was inoculated against that a long time ago!) I am pretty certain that the real person never dies..the body in which we live for a while gets discarded, but the spirit goes on to some other dimension, and we can only wait our turn to rejoin whatever it is, wherever it is.
In the case of my dear wife, Pat, I know she went to heaven, because she always had heaven round her, and I am sure that will be the case with your mum.My spcial needs grandson asked me where Grandma had gone and I told im "To heaven" He puzzled for a while and then asked
Where is Heaven? and I replied "Where Grandma is" and I know that is true, and I'm sure it is true for your Mum.
Keep on sharing, we're all with you!

Love
Derry,

Hi Derry and all friends
I really needed to know this morning that you were all here and your advice about the going on in another dimension seems so right as I believe that too,and have done for a long time.
I had a bad time last week I got very upset one evening and could not stop crying. I miss Paul so very much and it hurts so much again it is getting near our 30th wedding anniversary on August 20 and I read his card from last year and got very upset. He was such a kind and caring husband.
I just wish I could have one more day with him but I suppose if I did I would not want it to end. My daughter Emma is missing her Dad more than ever too I suppose we all go through these ups and downs.
I am thinking of you all too and trying to be strong following your advice and it helps you know.
Thanks for all being so caring and letting me rant on, love to you all. Stay Strong.

Love Heather

Dear Heather, Mel, Derry, JW and everyone else on this site.
I hope you are all having a "reaonable" day and not suffering too much.
As I'm still fairly new to this site, I'm not sure whether I respond to you all individually or set up a new subject!
I really do appreciate all your kind words and knowing that you are all there for me and the other people on here.
I try to think "one day at a time" in most things I do (although that's easier said than done!) so, Heather, maybe you could try and not think too much about your forthcoming anniversary until nearer the time as you may be in a slightly different frame of mind. I know that's really difficult as I tend to project far into future as I did with my late mum and nothing works out like you think it will. I had a really bad evening last night crying about my mum and thought my heart would break, but even during all my grief I thought "tomorrow's another day" and maybe it would be better as I've got through some horrendous days already and will have more in the future. Also, I know that my mum would have hated to see me so upset and I'm sure that goes for all our dearly loved ones. When I'm particularly down, I find the poem "Death is nothing at all" quite comforting and do feel that one day I will see my mum again but in a different form.
It will be 10 weeks tomorrow that my mum died and each Saturday morning I torture myself and keep looking at the clock thinking "mum was alive at this time" until it gets to 12.45 pm the time she passed away. I know I need to stop doing this, but in a strange way I feel I will be forgetting her in her final moments and will feel guilty. I don't know whether that makes sense to anyone else?
Love to you all.
Louise x

Hi Derry and all friends
I really needed to know this morning that you were all here and your advice about the going on in another dimension seems so right as I believe that too,and have done for a long time.
I had a bad time last week I got very upset one evening and could not stop crying. I miss Paul so very much and it hurts so much again it is getting near our 30th wedding anniversary on August 20 and I read his card from last year and got very upset. He was such a kind and caring husband.
I just wish I could have one more day with him but I suppose if I did I would not want it to end. My daughter Emma is missing her Dad more than ever too I suppose we all go through these ups and downs.
I am thinking of you all too and trying to be strong following your advice and it helps you know.
Thanks for all being so caring and letting me rant on, love to you all. Stay Strong.

Love Heather

Yes we are! Thanks you all for keeping in touch both when you are needy and when you are helping the others who are needy. Thank you all for reminding me that we all share the common human need for help and are prepared both to give it, and to ask for it. I don't know where any of you live, but I treat everyone I pass in the street as possibly being you, and that opens me up to a lot more human contact. Love conquers all!
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry and all friends
I really needed to know this morning that you were all here and your advice about the going on in another dimension seems so right as I believe that too,and have done for a long time.
I had a bad time last week I got very upset one evening and could not stop crying. I miss Paul so very much and it hurts so much again it is getting near our 30th wedding anniversary on August 20 and I read his card from last year and got very upset. He was such a kind and caring husband.
I just wish I could have one more day with him but I suppose if I did I would not want it to end. My daughter Emma is missing her Dad more than ever too I suppose we all go through these ups and downs.
I am thinking of you all too and trying to be strong following your advice and it helps you know.
Thanks for all being so caring and letting me rant on, love to you all. Stay Strong.

Love Heather

I just wanted to say hi - I'm new to this site too, I lost my dear dad on 20 April this year and posted once or twice initially and have just 'rediscovered' this site again this morning. As it's ten weeks now since my dad passed I can tell you that it does get easier to live with, but the pain is always there, I think of him all the time, every minute of every hour, and sometimes I think now it is starting to hit home that I'll never see him again, now the shock is starting to wear off and reality is setting in. That's why this site is a good place to talk because I have found that nearly all of my friends and family (apart from my mum of course) don't mention my dad now or ask how Im doing - I'm not saying I want to be wrapped in cotton wool but I can't help feeling that their attitude is somewhat like, well, it's nearly three months now, time to move on and get on with life....but I'm finding that so so hard because my life will NEVER be the same again, how can it?!

I'd just like to wish all those that are suffering today on this board the strength to get through another day.

JWx

I think one of the main processes we go through in life which I guess makes a situtaion worse is all the what ifs and buts, the constant guilt that we feel. I beat myself up so much because of guilt, I should have said more, I should have known what was going to happen, I should have apologised for all the silly fights we had towards the end but the truth is I doubt any of that would have made a difference in the end result.

People know we love them and we ourselves know we are loved, it doesn't necessarily need for someone to constantly keep saying they love us for us to know that. Even through arguments, we know we are loved and vice versa, sometimes other aspects of life affect our judgement and opinions, fear especially which often happens through illness. Our actions often change due to circumstance and people understand that.

I know I have said this before but I believe very much that when people pass away their spirit stays with us, I guess a belief I have gained through all the spooky things that have happened but a belief which also brings some comfort. I therefore believe that your mum is with you now and understands your pain; your grief. I believe your mum also knows how much she was loved and she wouldnt want you to beat yourself up so much because of all the what ifs and buts.

It took a long time for me to get over the guilt I felt, I guess there is still some guilt apart of me but instead of thinking of all the what ifs and buts which I now know I can't change, I use all the things I know now to help others, to support others going through grief. I couldnt stop my best friend from taking her life but I can stop other people and I actively do so through my work. I didnt fully understand at the time why she did what she did but I now work at understanding others in the same situtaion. It cant bring back my friend or change the guilt I feel but it is helping to understand the whole situation. I guess what im trying to say is dont let thngs you can't change beat you up. Find comfort in knowing that you can learn from situations which so often tear us apart. If you think that talking to your mum will help you then do so. Tell her you love her, tell her your sorry for the arguments and then feel comfort.
Im glad you talk to us on here and I hope we can bring you some kind of comfort at this very sad time.
Lots of love Mel xx

Hi JW - I lost my dad on 29th April. He died from metastatic brain and lung disease - it was so quick, he was well until 10th March, went into hospital on 22nd, home on 30th and died a month later. It was terrible to watch him deteriorate, losing his dignity, his humour, his ability to think properly, his vision and his strenght. For all of that, he was still essentially my dad right to the end and I miss him like I would never have believed I would.

I came back to work in May (I work at the hospital my dad was diagnosed in) and although my colleagues have been very kind, there is a little of the "well, she should be moving on now" about their demeanour. Beleive me, 3 months is no time at all when you lose somebody. I will bet you are not only dealing with your own grief, you are trying to support your mum and not be "miserable" in front of your friends and colleagues. Don't try too hard. If you're having a bad day tell somebody, if you want to talk, talk to somebody or contact friends via the message board. Just don't go it alone because we all need help.

take it a day at a time. Relax on the good days and roll with the bad ones. I always try to remember something I saw written once - "Death is when pain ends and good memories begin." It's not a bad line to have in mind when things get a bit much. Love to all x

Sorry to hear of the loss of your dad, how awful to watch someone you love deteriorate like that. My dad's passing very sudden, he'd been fine all day, out in the evening, got in the car to drive home, said he felt unwell, pulled over....and took his last breath. It was of some comfort initially that 'he didn't suffer' but now I kind of feel that if he'd been in hospital we'd have had a chance to say goodbye - but of course there's no easy way round it. Writing does help - I'm not one for writing journals but I do participating in message boards and i have a very good friend in the US who lost her husband suddenly three years ago, so she knows how i feel and exactly what my mum is going through. Part of my grief is of course for my dad but I'm just so sad for my mum - having said that, she's coping well (or at least she is in front of me!) she's been amazing.

Thanks for listening, take care.

JW

I was just about to write to the Forum about how I had been suddenly smitten by grief this morning when I had to go into Pat's old room to get some clean sheets to change my bed(I'm getting pretty domesticated these days!), which hit me hard because I had just been thinking of how well I was doing. then I read your note, and it pulled me out of myself, and I remembered that the best way I find to get out of my own feelings is to think about someone else, and I do really feel for you. Sudden death causes its own particular grief (our son died suddenly in his sleep at age 33) and it certainly takes some handling. My own experience in the case of both the deaths that have hit me most(my son and my wife) is that rather than "one day at a time", which is what we are often told to do, I try to go hour by hour, and fill my life with routine activities. I am fortunate in being able to practice my various instruments each day, and also I am out playing 6 nights in the week, which overcomes my loneliness at night. Still sleeping atrociously, but I have always been an insomniac so I am used to that!
All I can say to you is that if you try to fill the time with activity, even if it is a bit routine, it will probably help you to stop thinking too much. The thoughts will certainly hit you, as they did me this morning, when I smelt the faint perfume left by Pat in her bedroom. Boy, did that hit me! However, to cheer me up I got my Tax Demand by the morning post...so that brought me back to earth.
As far as the children are concerned, I am pretty sure that The Compassionate Friends have material that would be helpful to them. I know TCF is really for grieving parents, but I am sure they could help your children.
Thanks for your notes and messages...you might think you are moaning, but you are sharing and that's the best way. I feel better for having replied to you, and let's all keep on helping each other . that is what life is really about, isn't it?
Love,
Derry

I can't begin to imagine how awful it is to lose a partner, but on top of losing your son so suddenly as well. God certainly does move in 'mysterious ways'. Glad to read you are keeping busy in the evenings, I have three kids to keep me occupied - but as you say, the grief comes and goes in a tidal wave - I was ok last night, till I went to the kitchen and the radio was playing Luther Vandross 'Dance with my Father' - this is only the second time I've heard it since my dad's passing.

I was interested to read Mel's comments on 'spirits' - I was never a believer before, but as soon as I saw my Dad at the hospital, and again at the Undertakers, I definitely had the feeling that it was only his body there and that his spirit was above us looking down....I'll stop now because this is a subject that I'm really into right now, and I could write for ages, lol. It's certainly something which has given me comfort over the past ten weeks.

My best to all who read this board today.

JW x

I think it is interesting (if that is not tto flippant a word) to consider the different ways in which we are affected by the way in which th death of a friend, spouse or partner had occurred.
Sudden death creates its own devastating pain, but I was hit hard this morning with thoughts of how Pat suffered last year, and this year up to April. Many years ago we learnt transcendental meditation, which has always been a great help to me (and indeed to Pat, too), but at times like this it is very hard to continue the practice, as thoughts well up. This morning I was trying to centre down, but all I could think about were the dozens, if not hundreds of occasions when Pat was suffering in different ways, from the very first traumatic events when we had to call the ambulance in the middle of the night, the several spells in Intensive Care, the dreadful sessions with the dialyasis machin every night for months, and the nights when I lay in bed unable to sleep as I was half waiting for her to ring her bell for me to go and rescue her from some crisis or other, watching her deteriorate form a healthy active business woman and dynamic inspiration to everyone she met into a skeletal suffering person. Every little thing reminds me, like this morning when I was making a fruit juice drink for a friend who called...Pat used to drink a lot of that when she was ill, and that brought it all back.
Is this worse or better than a sudden death? Neither, as it is bad which ever way you look at it.
However, many of us are taking comfort fromm our belief that our loved ones live on,in whatever form, and if we can plough through the grief, we will undoubtedly be able to live again. i know this for myself, because although it took me ten years, I can now say that I am surviving then death of our son, and life is getting better every day. If another catastophe occurs, I know I will have the strength to overcome it, though I hope to God I don't have to!
I also don't believe it helps to try to put our spiritual beliefs into words, as they never convey what we really believe, and words acan sometimes be badly misunderstood. So maybe I'd better shut up!
Thanks for being with me, all of you, and keep on keeping on. I've always got time to answer anyone who calls out for help so don't hesitate.
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry and all friends
Your message struck a chord with me. My Paul was a larger than life character and it is horrible as you said to see them suffer so much pain. I remember him calling out to me screaming in pain and calling the ambulance a few times in the night, these thoughts and memories never leave you. I go over and over them in my head you could drive yourself mad with them. So I can relate to you with that I think it is just as bad as you said to suffer slowly as a sudden death. in a way it is worse because no-one wants to see their loved one in any pain I for one would prefer to go quickly.
I hated seeing the person I loved more than anything go down hill so quickly it tore me apart. I said to Paul I would have done anything to make him better as I am sure we all would.
It is good to talk on this site knowing we all understand one another if you had told me a year ago I would be writing on here I would have laughed. But it really helps I hope we can all go on and lead a normal life but I suppose things will never be the same.
Every day I hear of someone else with a terminal illness and see we are all in the same boat. Still we must keep helping one another. Stay strong my friends and take care.
Love to you all.
Love Heather