Hi everyone.
well its now offically the first of july. nathan has been gone for one whole month. and I'll be honest....I'm a mess.
It was my nieces 3rd birthday today..I only stayed at the party long enough to give her a presant. It just wasn't the same without him. We were always the entertainment at the kids parties.We would sort the games and songs out (my sisters asked us to do it because it would take some of the pressure off them) at the last party we went to (for a bunch of 10 year olds) nathan had them all fighting the invisable man on the bouncy castle.
I just couldnt do it...without him.

my house feels so empty likeits very soul has gone nathan always filled it with laughter even when we were arguing. I keep buying thing to make it feel like home again but its just not anymore.

and now i don't know how i'm gonna cope tomorrow.

I'm so sorry for moaning but i just feel so alone.
Sarah

ps Derry I'm sorry i haven't responded to your last email but my PC went down and my dads been fixing it. I hope your feeling better. and yes both my son and my husband are called Nathan.

Hello Sarah, and others!
One month. A bad time for you. It was awful for me at that point.. Three months(nearly) and it's a little bit better. We all have our own problems to deal with. You are watching the effect it has on your family. I am feeling the total emptiness of my (our as it used to be ) house. Neither is worse thatn the other, but all are painful.
As you say, the inability to share with your partner leaves a terrible gap in your life. In my case, I miss the ability just to chat idly about nothing, the chance to "report back" when I have done a gig(these days I am out at least 6 nights a week, as that fills the gap...can't stand being at home alone.
It sounds like you two were a great team, and jointly being the life and soul of everbody's party. I am sure you can continue being that, as Paul will be with you every minute of the day, and will lift you when you start to flag. I probably told you how Pat and I got through the last year of pain and suffering, by telling each that although "Pat Jones" was suffering.."she" her real self was not, and her real self...call it what you like, would get through it safely. I believe that "she" did"..and survived to live forever as part of something bigger and better. This is not the place to go into deep spiritual discussion, but I honestly believe that to be true. In her last hours, she developed a peace"that passesth all understanding" and I feel sure she knew where she was going. I know her body is no more, but "she " lives on in another dimension, or place. I read a thing yesterday on a website, which was a quote from the Bhagavad Gita of which part says "The bodies are known to have an end:the dweller in the body is eternal, imperishable, infinite.He is never born, nor does he ever die, nor once, having been does he cease to be....He who dwells in the body of everyone is eternal and invulnerable. Therefore you should not grieve for any creature whatsoever."
Easier said than done!
These sentiments occur in all religious traditions I believe, but ,as a pretty secular guy, I still believe it to be true.
Enough of this high flown stuff. Just keep on keeping on and believe me you will get to the high ground again sooner or later. Love and tears are part of the same life, so please don't be afraid to cry..it does help, and people will help you if they see you grieving. What hits me mmost now is when I have to tell people who didn't know Pat had died, and they go all sentimental with me. I say "Don't be nice to me! It makes it worse!" Still ,I know they mean well, and as I go on through life I become much more understanding of people's inability to know what they hell they are talking about. I think I do know, at least a little bit more, and I supoose ultimatley that's what we are here for, to learn what it's all about. You will see Paul again, although not in the form you knew him.
Forgive me waffling on, but I do get a bit lonely and this forum enables me to get some of my confused thinking into words. Normally, I would have chunterded on to Pat about this, and she would have said what she always did"It's ths small pleasures that make life worth living, so let's have a cup of tea, and a slice of home made cake" (and in her case a cigarette!). So you do the same!
Love,
Derry

Hello Sarah, again.
As you and Paul used to do songs at parties, how do you like this one? Make you own tune up...i just wrote the words this week...have a go!

Mr. Bumble Bee

Hey Mister bumble bee
I can hear you buzzin’
I know you could sting me
But you really musn’
You know I wouldn’t hurt you
For a great big pot of money
You’ve got something that I need
I’m wild about your honey

Hey sloopy slimy slug
Sliding’ cross the yard
Figuring out the good you do
Is really kinda hard
Finding what your purpose is
Is quite a mystery
Oh yes., you’re breakfast for the birds
Who bring such joy to me.

All the creatures in the world
Have vital parts to play
But some I’d like to take apart
That’s why you hear me say

Hey Mister bluebottle
Your buzzin’ I can hear
I find you disgusterous
When you’re flying near
I’ve got a rolled up magazine
With which I’m gonna swot you
Slow, slow, quick, quick ……go!

Got you


Love, Derry

I am so sorry for geting your husband's name wrong. I wasn't drunk, just careless. I was in such a hury to get my thoughts down that I ddn't check, particularly as yuou had taken the trouble to tell me the two of them had the same name. Anyway, please accept my sincere apologies. I spent the whole of this lunchtime when I was playing at a hotel, thinking how stupid I'd been and I must dash back and put it right.
Forgive me?
Love, Derry

These things happen derry and i assure you i took no offence.
Thank you for the song as soon as i can think of a tune i'll be singing it to the girls who love animal songs.
there current favorite is the little green frog song.
thanks again
take care of yourself
sarah