I am always relieved that people writing to this forum do not feel obliged to push any particular religious belief, nor are they attacking such beliefs. At times like this , though, one's mind does naturally turn to the things we may have been taught, or have arrived at ourselves over the years. I have been through many phases, particularly after Gwyn died, when I found great support in unexpected religious quarters, but basically these days |I am a man with strong rationalist tendencies, but equally strong "spiritual" feelings. I found the practice of TM very helpful (it is not a religion, by the way) but for a while I found it almost impossible to meditate regularly in the way we were taught when learning the technique, mainly because agonising thoughts kept rising to the surface, and reduced me to tears.
However, I am no finding it a little easier, and this last couple of days I felt I learnt something that might be helpful to others. Or maybe not!
Over the last few years,and particularly during Pat's illness, I knew that I loved her much more for her spirit than for physical and mental attributes. After, if somebody had told me fifty years ago that I would love a little old lady, reduced to a skeleton, with little control over her physical functions, demanding continuous care and attention, more that the lovely young woman I was marrying, I would have found it impossible to believe..but I did.
For those of us who have a feeling that our late partner, wife, friend or other loved one is with us I can tell you this, from my own experience.We are all part of one "cosmos"..I can't think of a better word, though there are many ways of naming it...and in meditating, or merely sitting quietly and thinking about our late friend, if we contemplate the whole "cosmos" we will get closer to them. (The TM technique helps to quiet the mind and reduce the number of irrelevant thought that bubble up and crowd our mind)I find this hard to explain, but TM teaches us that reality is one unified whole of "unmanifested potential" and I am now certain that Pat has merely rejoined that whole, of which I am also part. We are only separated in the material sense, but in the spiritual sense we are as together as we ever were, in the same sense that we were together before we ever met.
This is all getting too complex to explain, but I feel every day that I am getting nearer to becoming in touch with the whole, and Pat and I are closer as a result. If you don't understand what I am saying, sorry, but if you email me In will try and explain it further.
Thank you all for your support, and I hope this little message doen't confuse you.
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry
I was interested in what you had to say but perhaps you could explain it a bit more as I would love to get closer to Paul again instead of feeling so far apart at times.
It sounds pretty complex but very good.
All I keep dreaming of is Paul angry at me and I think it is because he did not want to die and cannot accept it so I need something to help me along and to stop feeling so upset.
My other daughter came home at the weekend and was very upset as her relationship with her boyfriend is not going well. We missed Pauls advice and ended up all arguing at one point which we should never have done. Still enough of my problems let us know how to TM.
Love to all stay strong

Love Heather

Thanks, Heather, for your message. TM is just one form of meditation, which has a good history of success in various ways, benefitting all aspects of life. Unfortunately, it has to be taught by a trained teacher and is very expensive. It does work, and I have to say it was probably the best money I have evr spent, but the cost has now become exorbitant and I would not now suggest that you learn it, unless you are utterly convinced it is right for you. Probably this is not the right time.
However, meditation generally is a good thing, and as I said, I found that by cutting out (as much as possible) all thoughts, it is possible to get somewhat in tune with whatever drives the real (aa opposed to the physical ) world .
I don't think yuou should feel guilty, as I am certain you did the very best you could, and I am sure Paul would forgive any lapses...I felt the same about Pat , for the fact that I wasn't able to be with her in her last 24 hours, and certainly I lost my temper with her on several occasions when she just didn't seem to be trying to get better. She carried on smoking right to the end, even though that affected her circulation and I used to get furious...tried hard not to show it, but she knew. Now I realise that she knew she was dying long before I did, and it was about the only pleasure she had. What ever failings you had were minimial, I'm sure, and Paul is now in a place where the trials and tribulations of life are long past. He has just gone ahead.
I think the hardest thing is to realise that we shall never see the physical person again, but I am sure that we will meet again on a spiritual level.
I am pretty sure that while we are here on earth we think we only have a bit of the spirit in us, but actually each one of us has the whole spirit in us, and we are therefore "members one of another". I try to avoid using religious symbolism, but I have to accept that many of the great religious teachers knew all this. they just expressed it in different ways.
I bet I've confused you more now! These things are far better explained face to face, but anyway I hope it has helped a bit.
Don't hestitate to ask me any more question..just don't expect the right answer!
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry
Thanks for explaining things to me. You have not confused me as you say Paul is probably far beyond worrying over trivial things and I know myself and my daughters did all we could for him.
The hardest thing was seeing him slip away at the end and the doctors had just told us he would probably die but that they would not resuscitate him as it would be too cruel and as he had cancer he could not go in intensive care. That hurt trying to pretend everything would be Ok so Paul would fight and seeing him in so much pain.
I do not think anyone should suffer at the end and the hospital was WRONG to let him be in such agony. I will never forget that nor my daughters we will take it to the grave.
You are right about seeing them on a spiritual level I believe the same I still keep expecting him to walk in the front door and say everythings alright. That is the hardest bit knowing as you said we will never see the physical body again. The mind will not accept it.
Still we must and we try and be strong.
It is good to see things explained thanks again for helping.
Stay strong
Love Heather

Hi Derry, Heather and all
As Derry knows I lost my hubby of 30 years 15 months ago. I too had this trouble of where John had gone. Is there a heaven ? Has he been reborn? Or is he in the sky looking down on me? he I thought, if he is in heaven looking down, surly he would give me an indication! You hear of people being in touch with people that have passed away. But in my reality he has gone. I will never ever see him again. My mother goes to church and I told her I wish I had this conviction, something to hold on too. It is the finality that is hard to believe at times. Trying to accept that they have gone. When the grief suddenly boils up, for no apparent reason, when you think you are ok, you wonder how you are going to get through this. But you have to say, life is good, he would not want you like this. John wrote me a wee verse 6 months before he died and he said that I am too young to let sorrow choke my life. He was 14 years older than me and not in the greatest health but his death was sudden and unexpected. We spoke about if he went before me because of the age and health things. And I know that he would want me to live and enjoy life But at times it is so hard.

Sorry if I have rambled
Bit down tonight
Take care all
Berenice