My Mother was buried a few weeks back. I dont really understand her loss, as I was'nt that close to her. I only saw her every 6 months roughly. Guilt, family ridicule is all I really understand as the family's sort of 'black-sheep. I saw her a few hours before she died 200 miles travel away. I tried to reassure her, and tell her she had nothing to be frightend of etc. She was half-comatosed, and I squeesed her frail hand for some 2-3 hours. My simple flowers were I felt ridiculed, but they had been lovingly bought from a Liverpool flower-seller and conveyed overnight by coach, train and local bus to the local funeral director. The single other family flowers was an official looking lily cross I feel like nobody was here anymore for me...my step-family are trying to make things difficult for me I think. As I had no transport I was left at the Church sort of dumped I felt and never went to the family wake.. It was just me and the gravedigger left chatting whilst I asked him to place my flowers on top of her wichwer work coffin in the grave. I guess the flowers were weeping too....

Its hard when someone dies especially someone who we feel we should be close, but aren't.
My dad died, it was strange we weren't close, i actually had bad feelings about him - but over all that he was my dad, still my dad. It was strange as i didn't want to feel sad, but i did, i lost something i never had - it was like griveing for something i never had but wanted and would now never get.

The funeral was hard, as everyone there recalled how good he was, how funny he was - what a good man. WHAT - it was like they were talking about a different man, was i at the right funneral? I wanted to scream STOP i wanted to tell them this was a man who beat his wife, who favoured one child over the other, a man who didn't care for anyone but him self. That was a drunken mess who ruined my life, my mums and my brothers. The worst of it he seemed to get a posher service than my mum - he didn't deserve it. Yet he was my dad, my dad had died and i was sad and felt bad for feeling the way i did.

I never new my dads side of the family, they blammed my mum for my dad drinking and it felt uncomfortable being with them at the funneral. i felt ridiculed and unwanted.

No matter how close to her you were, you were there for her at the end, she knew you were there, she felt you i'm sure. Who cares what they think you know in your heart you did what you could. she would of loved your flowers, they where from the heart, sent with love and care.

Take care john luv.....
Daisy xxx

Many Thanks for your lovely message Daisy. I've been feeling quite 'blue & tearful' today, so I felt really reassured when I read your words. Thanks. John