I suppose I often send mixed messages here, because although most of the time I am fine, I still get the savage BANGS that take us all down so often. However, I would like to share a thought with you all...and how good it is to see new people writing in...it is helpful to all of us to see your mailings, so keep'em coming!
My thought today is that I feel so much better than I did last year at this time, and even the previous year which was when Pat first started to show signs of the illness that killed her. The light nights and early mornings were dreadful..as I had to go rushing down to the Intensive Care department in the middle of the night, fearing that she would be dead, as she nearly was on several occasions. The the almost daily drives from Harrogate to York Hospital, which became a regular routine, almost always in baking hot sunshine. Not exactly holiday pleasure driving, as I was screwed up inside all the time. I was in and out of hospital, having to deal with admissions, tests, and ultimately to learn all about the home dialysis, which for an impractical guy like me was horrific. How she suffered, pain, humiliation, indignity and shock, month after month.She was so brave! Then , of course the final weeks when we had to make such hard decisions as to whether to continue the dialysis, and finally to stop it, which of course meant certain death, as there was no way she would ever recover. I sometimes envy those who had to deal with sudden death, although I know from my son's death that that is dreadful too.
This year, now she has gone is so much better. I feel guilty for this, but when I think how much I cared for her, I don't think I could be criticised. Life is good now, and apart from the occasional black hole I can see some sort of a future. I have a photo of Pat over my piano, smiling in her own wry way, and I know she would approve of what I am doing, even my new relationbship with Barbara. Barbara is so understanding, having lost her husband 20 years ago, and we do cry on on each other's shoulder, so I suppose I am doing her good too,
The gist of this is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, particularly if you can move outward, and try to help other people, as this eases your own pain.
Hey, I'm preaching again!
Keep on keeping in touch everyone, ploease.
Love to you all,
Derry

Hi Derry,

I have been reading the messages on this board and came across this one of yours. As I am having a really bad day I thought it might do me good to read other people's stories and how right I was.

My tears have stopped for now as I read what you and your poor wife went through, how awful for her and you that you had to watch her suffer so much. At least I was spared that as I know that Colin was happy right up until the end and I was also told that he wouldn't have known a thing about it.

All afternoon I have been crying and ranting and raving as I miss him so much, but I do see that if I had been here when he died then the memories would have been even worse.

I am so glad that you have met someone new and that you can both share your grief. I don't think it will happen to me and I am not looking of course for anyone to replace my beloved husband, but you can't say never in this life so perhaps I aught to keep an open mind!!

Everything is still too raw for me yet as it is only three weeks. My son goes on holiday in an hour and he didn't want to leave me, he felt guilty and I managed to hold myself together until he had left. Poor soul, he has had no sleep since this happened so he more than deserves a holiday and I shall miss him, his beautiful wife and my two youngest grandson's too.

Now I need to be strong, I have a daughter but she does not live as near to me as my son, but she will make sure I am ok becaue of the operation I have had too.

Thank you for sharing your story and I am so pleased that there is a light at the end of a very long tunnel for you, you more than deserve it.

I am still crying but not as much so maybe I will get a peaceful evening tonight.

Thanks again,
luv Lynn. xxx