Hi Everyone, I am so sorry you are all suffering from the loss of a loved one but what a wonderful place to come and get help and comfort.

My husband died suddenly on July 20th, just three weeks ago. I was in hospital having major surgery so it came at an even worse time for me. He did suffer with his heart and had several heart attacks over the last 13 years and in January he had two stents put in and was told that he should live a near normal life now.

This came out of the blue, his heart stopped, just like a clock winding down, we were told this by the Coroner as he had to have a Post Mortem. His friends found him on the kitchen floor as he hadn't turned up to pick them up to come and visit me in the hospital.

I cannot believe that he is gone for good. We were married for 40 years in March and celebrated by booking on the RA11 Nile Cruise in Egypt, we had a wonderful time and made yet more friends who live in Manchester......I miss him so much and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him and I will regret this for the rest of my life.

Our children, both grown up and married, and our grandson's are all in shock still. I hate it here on my own but have to get on with things. I can't get him out of my mind and feel so guilty that he was here all on his own. I can't stop crying when I am alone but I try and hold it together for my family and friends.

I hope to talk some more with people who have been through the same as me. The phone is ringing again so I have to go, but I will be back.

Take care,
luv Lynn. x

I was sosorry to hear of your loss. Words are no help at this time as I am sure you have discovered, but my thoughts are with you, and I am sure everyone else on this forum will be supporting you in spirit. I lost my wife of almost 47 years in April, so I have a little idea or how you feel, though I would never say "I know how you feel", because I certainly don't . It is easy to say that time will heal, but nevertheless it is true. Others on this site know that we lost our son 11 years ago, suddenly, but I can honestly say that the grief has diminished and is now manageable. The loss of a beloved husband is grief of a different kind, and all I can say now is that we are holding you in our thoughts, and I personally know that you will recover and get some sort of life again. I do hope you you yourseld are physically well again. This came at totally the wrong time, but there isn't a right time, is there?
Please keep in touch with us, You will get support from everyone, even if they don't write. I perhaps have more time than most, as I am basically on my own, although I am still trying to move outwards, and not to brood on what might have been.
Please keep on keeping on and let us know your feelings, however bad they are. I have done the same ever since I found this group, and it has helped me enormouslyLove, Derry

Lynn,
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and hope that you find comfort and support from this site as I have done with the loss of my mum.
Please don't feel guilty that you weren't with your husband when he passed away as that was completely out of your and anyone else's control.
Do keep in touch and let us all know how you are as we are all here for each other.
Love,
Louise x

Dear Lynn,

just to echo what the others have said. I read this forum a lot since losing my dad 17 months ago, and it brings me a lot of comfort to know that I'm not on my own - a feeling I sometimes have even when surrounded by people.

Please try not to feel guilty about not being there. I imagine your husband felt the same, if and when he knew that this could be the end for him - knowing you were in hospital and needed him, and that he couldn't get there to visit you. It's totally understandable to feel guilty, but he would not want you to.

Take care of yourself. Lara

Hi Derry, Louise and Lara, thank you so much for replying to my rather garbled post, I was so pleased to hear from you all and it cheered me up no end.

You have all had terrible losses so you do all know how I am feeling, especially Derry who lost his wife after 47 years together, that takes some getting used to as I am learning very slowly.

I have wonderful friends, family and neighbours all around me but when they go home I get depressed....I try not to but it is so hard. I find that I am talking to Colin's pillow, that sounds daft but it brings me comfort. He is also all around me as we have lived here all our married life.

Me? well I am getting there slowly. I can't sit still and I am driving my family mad because I just have to be on the go. Unfortunately getting over major surgery is a hinderance that I could do without, ha-ha. I had a cyst on the ovaries and my doctor told us that it was a very aggressive cancer, so that worried Colin so much, it didn't help his condition at all. So I have just had everything removed and my surgeon thinks that I am ok, that they caught me in time and I will get the all clear any day now, so I am not bothered by it at all. I am painful and slow of course but I will heal eventually.

I am having a reasonable day today so far, touch wood!! I am going to do some painting this afternoon as we had stripped the hallway, stairs and landing before all this happened, my neighbour is helping me to re-do it.

Back later, thanks for being there.

luv Lynn. xx

Dear Lynn

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss but am pleased that you have found some comfort here, as have I.
There aren't any words that can heal or ease the pain you feel right now and no doubt for some considerable time too, but please remember how much your wonderful husband loved you and your family and hold that close to your heart when you feel down. It will be hard i'm sure but will flood you with warmth and comfort at times when you need it the most.

Good luck and best wishes for your health and the future.

Dawn.xx

Thank you Dawn for your lovely words. I have had a horrid, weepy day today, but I am remembering the better times this evening and they are a comfort to me. My neighbour was here for a couple of hours and she made me laugh remembering the good times. Colin loved to tease people and wind them up and then stand back and watch the fireworks, we had some fun over the years.

I am trying desperately hard to come to terms with his death but it is only three weeks so I know I have a long way to go yet, but I am greatful to everyone here for helping me.....reading all your stories is also a great help too.

Thanks again.

luv Lynn. xx

I just wanted to say hello to you as I am catching up with some posting on this site - I used to read and post here really regularly when I first lost my dad (4 months now) but recently I haven't been able to get on the computer as much as I'd like.

So much of what you have written in your posts reminds me of my mum - she too is always trying to keep busy - she has a good network of close friends nearby but at the end of the day the fact remains she is now on her own and I hate that, totally totally hate it, but somehow the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months - I really can't believe it's 4 months since my dad passed on - seems like only yesterday he was here sitting with the kids.

Well, as usual I'm waffling - just remember to look after yourself too

JW x x

Thank you for writing in. You know exactly what I am going through by watching your own Mother. We all have to cope as best we can and I am pleased that there is someone else like me around, ha-ha. What I mean is that my children are worried about me too and they know that I am doing too much, mainly because I have just undergone surgery, but it is my way of getting through this dreadful time.

I was told off by my doctor yesterday as the stitches had tightened soo much she has to snip a couple away today and she said that is because I am over-doing things!!! I will try to be more sensible from now on.

You are so right about the evenings though. It's the emptyness of the house although I can still feel his presence so that brings me comfort.

It will be 4 weeks on Friday and I am dreading that day and I think I always will.

Take care and I hope to chat more with you as time goes on.

Luv Lynn. xxx

Lynn, you know what, I used to count the weeks since I lost my dad, and I truly believed that I always would, but somehow that suddenly stopped and I only have a 'rough idea' of how many weeks since we lost him - of course I still count the months because it's such early days. The point I'm getting to is that you really shouldn't worry too much about 'anniversaries' ie; '4 weeks' because as I look at it 4 weeks is no better/no worse than 4 weeks and one day, and so on and so forth, of course there are good days and bad days for all of us and 'proper' anniversaries, such as weddings and birthdays, date of passing, etc, will of course be the hardest days of all to face - but actually 'one month', 'two months' etc, are really only 'numbers'.....Lynn, I hope you know what I mean, I know what i mean....just seems garbled putting pen to paper!

Also, you don't know me and I don't know you - so hope you don't mind me saying....you REALLY should be taking note of your doctor and taking things easy. My only worry (healthwise) with my mum is that she is still losing weight - but after a big op like yours....well, you know, look after yourself!!

JW x x

Hi again and yes, I do know what you mean. I too get my fingers all tied up trying to explain what I mean, but I honestly get the point you are making..

It doesn't make it any easier just now as I associate Friday with the day my husband died alone at home. Perhaps later down the line I can forget this and it will all roll into one, I don't know at this stage but I really hope so.

I am trying very hard to rest and not be charging around all day. My friend took me to have some stitches removed today and then out to lunch and then she wanted to go around the shops....we were out for three hous and I am on my knees now with such an aching stomach, I am quite bent in half where it hurts so much. I should have spoken up and told her I was tired but she was being so kind I tried to keep up with her....I know now what a mistake that is because I am washed out for the rest of the day now. I just don't like hurting people's feelings.

Anyway, point taken, I will be more sensible in future because I do not want to end up back in hospital...I promise to be more careful and thank you for your concern. You take care too,

luv Lynn. xx

Hi Lynn
Your message reminded me so much of my Pauls passing, he died last September and I really feel for you the pain is so intense those first few months but I can tell you the pain lessens it will not help now but in months to come you may feel a bit easier.
I think it is right to say you never get over it but you learn to live with it.
My darling husband Paul had pancreatic cancer and fought for months with such pain and I and my daughters still cannot accept fully he has gone. He was a joker like your Colin and made people laugh and he was such a character. I have just lost my step Dad too and his funeral is Friday my Mum was married to him for three years and is very upset she is coming to live with me to keep one another going.

I hope your own scars heal soon keep resting do not do too much I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace in the days ahead.
Please keep in touch I was married for thirty years not as long as you but I know how you feel never the less, losing a husband really hurts. Take care my friend.

Love Heather

Dear Heather,

Thank you so much for contacting me, that was so nice of you, your words did give me some comfort.

I did not have to watch Colin die, thank heavens, although I still regret not being there for him.

It must have been very traumatic for you and your daughter's to have to watch Paul die, and in such pain too, it is all so unfair, I can't imagine what that did to you.

I am glad that he was like Colin, such a funny man and liked by everyone. At his funeral it was standing room only and even the annex was over-flowing, he would have loved it. We kept the service simple as I just wanted the service to be about him, how kind and generous and funny he was. He loved nothing better than winding people up, and you are right, he was called the joker and that is the way his friends send him flowers, the Joker card, it was beautiful and brought tears to everyone's eyes.

Now to lose your step-father too and be involved in the arranging of another funeral, how devastating for you,your mother and your daughters too. It will be nice for your mum to live with you and, as you say, you can comfort one another.

It is still the evenings that are the worse time for me. My friends have been keeping me company all day - even though I beg them to give me some space - as sooner or later I am going to be alone for most of the day anyway. My son and daughter go to work and I do not want to rely on them and become a demanding mother, I would hate that they began to resent me for taking up their time.

I have a very demanding mother, she suffers with Parkinson's and other ailments and it makes her very bad tempered at times, she demands my attention even though I am 12 miles away and don't drive...all she wants now is for me to go down to see her, she takes no notice of the fact that I am recovering from the loss of my husband and also from major surgery. I had already began to resent her and the time we had to spend with her and I will not allow that to happen to my own children. Colin was at her beck and call every week whenever she wanted something, he never refused her and it is only now sinking in on her that she will just not see me as often as she did before, it is impossible.

I am taking the advice of my doctor and everyone that I have been talking to, including you, ha-ha, and trying to be more sensible about not doing so much, but it was the only way I survived the first week or two without Colin. I just had to keep busy, cleaning, vacuuming, gardening, it didn't matter what, I had to do it. But I am just now realising that I am not healing as I should and that it will only happen with rest. So yes, I shall be sensible from now on.

Thank you again for your post and I am so sorry that you have to go to another funeral so very near to the first anniversary of your losing your beloved husband, Paul.

Please take care and give your mother my love too.

I am always here if you want to talk....I cant do much else at the moment, can I?!!!

luv Lynn. xx