I know that you've heard me ramble on and crying since you passed 7wks ago today but there are some things that are whirling around in my head that i need to get out and i guess this is as good a place as any, so here goes.........
First of all I love you so much. I hope you knew that Dad. I have been feeling guilty that you were on your own when you died. I have nightmares where I see you lying at home on the floor, fear in your eyes, knowing what's happening to you but you can't get any help. It's tearing me apart dad. I say sorry to you all the time and i hope that you forgive me. I will NEVER forgive myself though because i made you go back home when you didn't really want to. I'm sorry that you had to have an autopsy. I didn't want you to be messed with but the doctor ordered it. I'm also sorry that we had you cremated. The thought of you being burned was horrible and I hated it but chris and I had no choice because all the burial grounds are full. I hope you approved of the way we had the service for you. God, that was the hardest day of my life. To know that it was really the end of your life as we knew it and that I was never going to feel your arms around me, hugging me or to never hear your voice again. I still can't believe it. I miss you so much. I'm finding it hard to have the strength to keep going at the moment. Life seems to have stood still for me since you went. Everyone has picked themselves up and started to get back to normal but it takes all my effort to get up out of bed in the morning. I'm on autopilot at the moment, knowing I have no choice but to sort out your finances and affairs - coz it's been left to me to deal with as i'm the most together one of us kids - and the eldest.
There was still so much we had to do together dad that only you could've done - agreed to giving my hand in marriage, walking me up the aisle then giving a knock-out speech after. Getting to hold any other children i may have. I will always remember when you held elizabeth in your arms at the hospital the day she was born. The look on your face will stay with me forever.
I wish you were strong enough to fight your demons but I guess they had more of a hold on you than any of us realised. All I can hope for is that you have some peace now where-ever you are and the pain is no longer too much to bare.
Rest in peace my wonderful pops, I love you and promise to keep your memory alive through Elizabeth. xx
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Thanks for being brave enojugh to share all these feelings with us. It must have been so hard, but I am sure we will all be helped in our own grief by your honesty. Please don't feel guilty. Death can come in any number of different ways, and what happened is not your fault. You loved your Dad and that is enough. Keep sharing with us if you can.
Love,
Derry
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