Hello, I have just come across your site and would like to say hi and tell you about my beautiful husband Bob who passed away on 6th May this year from a 19 month battle with cancer. Bob was 48 when he passed and I feel totally lost and well can't really find words to describe the emotional and physical pain I feel since he died. Having had the 19 months together knowing what was "eventually" going to come I could never have dreamed it would be as awful as it actually is. I have up until recently been managing to deal with life, or thought I was, but that has changed, I dont know why, expect as previous people have aleady wrote, the phone calls / texts / house calls decrease, you dont see all of the same people you used too, because they were Bob's friends before mine, you go back to work, but while all the daily activities resume like they were before nothing but nothing is the same anymore. Things I used to do and enjoy I no longer enjoy, conversations / people I used to find funny or interesting I know longer do, what on earth is happening to me?.
I have expereinced loss before, my father died in 1986, my mother in 1997 (both from cancer) and my brother died suddenly in 1999, he lived alone, I found him some days later.
But the loss of Bob is the hardest thing I hope to god I ever have to deal with in this life again. We never had children but Bob has two teenage sons from his 1st marriage.
Sorry if I have gone on a bit, and I didn't even get to tell you much about him but he was a bloody wonderful bloke.

Regards, Philomena

Hi Philomena,
Just a line to welcome you. You have round the right place to share your feelings. None of us know exactly how you feel but we have more idea than most people who have not had this awful experience. Personally, I identify totally as I watched my wife of almost 47 years, Pat, dying slowly from kidney failure. In and out of hospital, and suffering dreadfully. I felt and feel so guilty that I couldn't protect her from the pain she underwent, both physically and mentally.
Nevertheless, the many friends I have made here have been a wonderful support to me, and I know that will continue. I had a bad day today because my daughter and I went through a cupboard and found some of Pat's personal things, including a handbag that had get well cards in it, plus make up and lipstick. Devastating for us both.

aAl I can say to you is, please share your feelings with us, and don't worry if your "friends" lose interest, as they will. We wop't.We will be with you,
Keep on keeping on, and thanks for writing.
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry,
Thanks for your reply to my first message. It was weird because soon after sending the message I felt somehow lighter, I even went for a meal with some of Bob's friends wives and admitted I need to maybe see a councillor as I have not been coping so well, they were great. I think just participating in this page has helped me a bit.

I understand how you felt yesterday coming across your wifes items, I had an emotional moment over of all things food!! I was looking for something in the cuboard of tins etc and came across Bobs favourite tinned fruit and special coffee drinks, I didnt know what to do with myself, just kept remembering when we bought the things. I gave them away to a good friend as I didnt want them un-used.

Soon be another day over, another day nearer to the six month anniversary, not sure why that is so daunting maybe I bit worried that the more time that goes by the more I am suposed to have moved on?.

Hope your day has been a bit better today

Phil x

Dear Philomena,
Welcome to this site where we all try and support each other the best we can.
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I lost my mum through cancer on 5th May and I have found this site to be really helpful and don't feel quite so alone as I'm able to share my feelings honestly.
Please post on here when you can and let us know how you are.
Love,
Louise x

P.S. Derry, I know how you and your daughter feel regarding Pat's handbag with her personal things - I have my mum's bag handbag upstairs which I collected from the hospice and it has her things that she took to hospital with her, and I just can't go through it right now as it's too upsetting.
x

Hi Louise,

Thanks for your reply. I see our time of morning as been very similar, I mentioned in my reply to Derry its getting closer to the six month anniversary but it seems like yesterday that I last saw Bob, how has the time passed for you?

Phil x

Welcome to this friendly site Philomena
My mum died in May so i am still very raw with grief.
You can express all your feelings here we all understand what an awful time bereavement is.

Amanda

Welcome Philomena to this lovely web site where I am sure you will find some help and understanding on the loss of your husband.

I lost my husband in July and it is still so raw I have had a very bad two days where I have cried non stop for him. I have told him off and cussed and wept to no avail, he is not coming back. Just as I thought I was moving forward I have gone three steps backwards or I would have been here to welcome you before this.

Please read some of the posts and I hope that you can find some peace from all our ups and downs.

We can understand a little of what you are going through, much more than most people anyway.

I have a good support system around me but what I want most I cant have and it is only now just beginning to sink in.

Sorry to be so miserable when I am supposed to try and cheer you up. I will be back tomorrow and hopefully more confident again then.

Love to you all.

Lynn. xxx

Philomena,
Nice to read your post and everyone elses.
Everyone seems to think I'm coping well and a lot of the time I am but I still can't believe my mum has died. Even when I talk to people about her, I can't believe I'm saying things like "when my mum died". I think I'm just muddling through the best I can. Maybe the full realisation hasn't hit me yet, I don't know. I do know that I would rather be here suffering as I am, than for my mum to be back unwell. I do try not to think too far ahead, ie anniversaries, etc.
My son is getting married next week and I feel sad that my mum won't be there in person, but hopefully she will, in spirit. As I often mention, I'm so glad to have found this site.
It's good to see Amanda and Heather's posts again.
JW., will be thinking of some happy things to post on here!
Love to you all.
Louise x

Hi Philomena

Welcome to this wonderful site where you can offload and share your grief and hopefully happy memories

What a struggle - my husband has been gone only one month and as you say the calls are stopping, the tributes are lessening
but I have received over 150 cards and tributes and they are so comforting.

I had a bad day today but phoned a friend who had made the usual offer of help - and she did - so do pluck up courage and phone for help - people do mean it - "dont deny anyone the pleasure of helping you" I am sure you feel good when you help someone so let your friends help you
it will be your turn again one day to be the carer but in the meantime you can call in the favours!

I am finding it very hard to sleep but when I speak to friends who have also lost their spouses they experienced this too so hopefully this is something that will pass.

Keep reading and posting on this site



luv sheila x

Hi Sheila, Lynn & Amanda,

Thank you for your encouraging words, I have never been a big talker when it comes to my feelings, even Bob would have a job on occasions to get me to say how I felt, but I feel if I don't commit to getting things off my chest I may go mad, or more so than I aleady am!!

Does anyone have any experience / opinions on mediums / Clairvoyants, since Bob passed, especially soon after, I had some unusual events happen in the house and his car which I could not explain. I was thinking about going to see someone?

Thanks Phil x

Hi Philomena

I am about 50/50 in my beleif of mediums, watching them on TV they seem to get things correct and i beleive that if it helps the person with thier grief then it is only a good thing.... I went to see Colin Fry last year (he didnt come to me though) and me and my partner go see him again in a couple of weeks time. I booked the colin fry ealier in the year before my mum and her best friend died, i didnt know i would be going and would be wishing mum to come through, how life can change. I will not hold my hopes up though for mum to come through as i dont want to feel disapointed....there are a lot of people there like me that want to be read.

As i have said on previous posts i have many vivid dreams where mum has told me she is ok and resting with dad and for me not to worry about her, and also one where she complained the new people that live in her flat now have put the kettle in the wrong place and she keeps forgetting where to go to make her cup of tea....that one made me chuckle, so like mum to moan things not in there true place

I also had a really strong fragrance (sickly sweet) that only i could smell for the first month after mum died and i think that was mums presence. not smelt it for a while....

I was told that you do need to let them go, as while they know you are upset and still not coping they cannot go and rest and be at peace. For a time i did not want my mum to go, i told her 'you are not to leave me i wont let you', but one day i got up and took hold of her photo and said, 'You can go be with dad now i will do my best to live my life' and since then i have not smelt the fragrance and did feel a weight lift from me....

I would personally find it too soon for me to privately go to a medium as i would be upset so i dont know how i will react if Colin fry does read me. I desparately want mum to tell me she did not suffer too much when she was dying and the fire did not frighten her too much. If she did it would then calm my obsession of trying to peice togehter her final moments...only she knows what happened and i am so so sorry i didnt go over to stay with her that night even though she still would have died of a heart attack but there would have been no fire......
oh dear...sorry to sound sad....

Amanda x

I go to my brothers this weekend as we are celebrating my Great Nieces first birthday. (my nephews daughter)
My mum was so proud of her first great grand daughter when she was born last year...

I hope i dont get too upset on Saturday, thinking of mum and that Charys will never get to know her and her love...

At least she has some nice photos to look back on when she grows up of mum holding her...

Amanda xx

Amanda,
Thinking of you and hoping that your great-niece's 1st birthday went well and that you didn't get too upset.
Love to you and everyone else on here.
Louise x

Hi Amanda

I just love Colin Fry - wish I'd got tickets to see him, think he is local to us in October so probably sold out now, it was ages ago when I first saw them for sale on line. When I first lost my dad, I used to watch his TV shows all the time, there's something very endearing about him, a lovely manner.

I found John Edward's book 'One Last Time' a really good read and I'm currently reading 'Spirit of Love'by Jenny Crawford which I'd recommend also.

Ironic really how things work out....this time last year I would NEVER have anticipated reading this type of stuff....all so different now.

When you off to see CF?

JW

X X

Hi Phil and welcome to this site. I've not been around much these last few days so I'm catching up with posts this evening. Don't think I've 'met' you before so just wanted to say hi and how sorry I am for your loss, my sincere condolences to you.

I'm sure posting and reading hear will help in some way - whatever you want to say, just go ahead and post, we've all found 'letting it all out' here does help.

JW

x x x

(PS: I am here because I lost my Dad in April of this year, very suddenly, still can't believe he's gone, still hurting)

Like Amanda, I'm 50-50 on this - well, probably more 75-25 in favour if I'm honest. It's a topic that fascinates me now but which someting I guess I didn't really give a second thought to in the past. I'm truly amazed and fascinated by people's experiences and the view I take is that far far too many things have happened to too many people for it to be simply put down to 'coincidence'. I've had a few things happen to me personally and it really does change your outlook.

If you see my post below there's a couple of books I'd recommend, you should be able to pick them up on ebay, I've also got a couple of Doris Stokes books to read as well.

Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself....but in my heart of hearts I really do feel that my dad is looking down on us in some way - I just don't understand how!

Hugs to everyone reading the board tonight.

JW

X X

Hi all,

It seems a lot of us have the same reaction NOW to this subject, I too was a true sceptic but now I see things in a different light, it is one of the things which gives me some comfort, to beleive Bob is able to be with me in some way on some occassions gives me the hope / belief I will see him again one day.
One thing which really upsets me, which I have not been able to say to anyone outloud yet is a conversation Bob and I had a few weeks before he died, we were having a very difficult conversation about him dying and he got upset, but when he said the reason he was upset was becasue it would be possible another 30 odd years before he would see each other again (I am 39 now was 38 then) it blew my mind away, that someone could be so selfless at a time when their life is ebbing away just makes me realise who I have lost and will never be able to replace. I have to keep stopping to blow my nose and wipe my tears while I type.

I'm not sure if I will be able to see a medium just yet as I to would probably cry through the whole thing.

I hope everyone has managed another day OK, just the weekend to get through now, dont no about you but Sundays are always the hardest, this Sunday will be difficult because its Bob's mom's birthday and I am going to Hereford (where she lives) for lunch, its the first time I have been to her house since before Bob passed, another 1st, oh dear!.

Lv to you all
Philomena

Dear Philomena,
I do hope you get through tomorrow okay and will be thinking of you.
Sundays are difficult - I used to see my mum every Sunday. Feel a bit down today but have to accept that's the way it will be sometimes.
My son is getting married next Saturday and it will be very hard that my mum is not going to be there. Under different circumstances I would be very excited, but feel quite "flat" although my family aren't aware of that. I'm really pleased for my son and his future wife as she's a lovely girl and we get on well.
Love,
Louise x

Hi Everyone,

I don't personally intend to go to a medium but I do believe that there is a life after death. Several signs have come to me since Colin passed to convince me of this and as I was nursing in a very old hospital we also saw lots of things there that convinced me that there is someone waiting for you when you die. Nothing makes sence if there isn't anything after this.

If you remember I saw Colin's spirit leave the house and then when we did the ashes the balloons that the little ones released behaved in a very strange manner before going up into the air and they were helium filled so this was inpossible for it to happen. I had asked him for a sign if it was possibe and I believe that I had them.

I have seen patients that have not moved for a week before dying suddenly open their eyes and hold out their arms before passing over with a beutific smile on their faces and my own father-in-law who died in my arms faught his friends that had come for him, he pushed them away for three days and nights before I had to encourage him to take the step to meet them, it was a traumatic death but again, he had people come for him to help him pass over.

Too many strange things to totally disbelieve that there is nothing out there.

I have had a very bad week myself and just coming out the other side again, hopefuly. I feel totally washed out and tired but hope to get myself together this week and start to do some of the things that I have been putting off for so long.

It has been a struggle not to cry in front of people but as soon as they go I am in pieces but becaue I have pushed it away from me for so long I knew that it was bound to happen and hopefully this next week I can begin to pick myself up and start eating and gaining a little bit of weight again.

Love to you all,

Lynn. x

Hi all
Just reading some of your posts I saw that some of you had seen many signs. I too have seen a few when we released helium baloons on Pauls 50th they went in a heart shape and went up so slowly in an unusual manner.
Also Peter my Step Dad when he was dying could see my husband Paul he
said Paul was waiting for him and was going to teach him to swim. Something Paul always liked doing teaching people that.
Also many times I have heard him call and felt his presence around there is definitely something a year ago Paul came to me in a dream and said I do not know how your Mum will cope without Peter and that was before Peter was even ill. Strange indeed.
Take care and thinking of you all.

Love Heather

Hello everyone
Thanks for you messages about the poem and thinking of me last weekend at my Great Neices birthday.
I coped a lot better than I imagined...it was strange mum not being there though.
I looked at Charys (my great neice) and thought what a lovely addition to the the family that is here because of the love of my mum and dad..without them none of us would be here, and that made me feel proud.

I too tend to get a little too emotional now when i have a drink so i too was alcohol free this weekend.
Hope you are getting on ok Daisy at Uni....My dad died when i was young and I often hope he can see all the things i have acheived in my life...I know that if he can i have certainly made him proud...he created a lovely family.....

I also wonder what dad makes of the world nowadays..with the mobile phones and new technologies. Mum died just before the floods in Sheffield and i so wanted to tell her about my day getting home when sheffield flooded but she wasnt there...and Madeline Macann she never got to follow the story through.
Mums friend died a month before her and i can remember saying to mum, Winnifred will not know what happened on Coronation street now...and now mums is there with her and i am thinking 'Mum i wonder if you are missing all your soaps'....

I go see ColinFry this Sunday. It would be amazing if mum came through to me.
I once took mum to the spriritulist church and the week before i kept saying to dad 'come through and tell mum to cheer up' (as mum was going through a bad time as i had just moved out)and the first person that was chosen was mum and it was my dad telling her to cheer up...hows that for a coincidence....or was it actually my dad....it cheered her up anyway......and i thanked him.

I also had a big argument with my sister and we didnt speak for a long time. I got quite upset about it. Dad came to me one night in my dream and said 'dont worry i will sort it out' and within a week me and my sister were talking again (it was my sister that initiated the communication)

So i belevie my dad is still around looking out for me....and now my mum is there with him too. So Daisy your Grandad and you mum will be by your side whenever you need them....and i am sure they are so proud of you starting your studies...

Sorry for rattling on...sending my best to you all

Lyn how are the driving lessons?

Amanda