5 years ago I lost my partner of 4 years to a brain tumour, following 2 years of treatment, and with the doctors still predicting he would recover until the point he was rushed into hospital and died. I was 22, and he was 26. I was devastated, but outwardly unemotional at the time, and 2 years later, began a relationship with someone who had been a good friend during that time.

I fell in love with the new guy, but was unable to show it, constantly bickering, and with hindsight, possibly feeling guilty about being in another relationship. After 3 years this ended a couple of months ago, and whilst I would love to work through my problems, and try again, he has now put the barriers up, is unlikely to remove them, and is seeing someone else.

Now I have stopped sleeping and eating properly, and think I'm beginning to realise how much "baggage" I unwittingly took from that bereavement 5 years ago. I find it impossible to talk to friends about these things after all this time, and am pretty worried that at 27, I may never be able to sustain another proper relationship.

I still can't look at photos of the guy who died without remembering the horrible experience of being able to see the hospital staff working on him behind the blinds in his room at the end.

Has anyone else felt like this? Any ideas where I go from here?
C

Thanks for sharing your pain with us.It seems such a difficult situation, and I am no psychologist, so I won't go down that track. However, I think I am perhaps one of the oldest people on here, if not the oldest, and I think I do see things from a different angle. I was 24 when i married Pat and she was 26. We had almost 47 years of happy marriage, with plenty of grief and trouble, including miscarriages, , personal blow ups, and, sever financial troubles and finally the loss of our son 11 years ago, not to mentiuon being involved in the Hatfield rail crash, when Pat fractured her spine, an injury that I think led to the kidney failure that finally killed her. I would almost give anything to be back there at 26 again, with all the opportunities and hopes we had then. It perhaps seems hopeless to you at this point, but I am sure that you will see a way through it, particularly if you share and discuss it with people who are not closely involved, and can be a little bit detached. I think life is a bit like geology..the dust of events settles and gradually builds up a sediment of memory that covers up the pain and joy we have gone through. It is still there, but we can get on with life in the present moment.
Perhaps your problems seem insuperable now, but in another few months you may see an outlet. I was feeling desperately sad after Pat died and could see no way forward, ever, when suddenly a wonderful thing happened...I was able to move inton a relationship with a wonderful lady, Barbara, and seriously, we have fallen in love! I bet that sounds impossible looked at from your angle, as she is actually alnost 9 yearsa older than ma, but miracles do happen and we are determined to make the most of lour lives even at this ripe old age. It's wonderful! (I still haven't stopped loving Pat, and often cry when I think of her, as I am doing now, but I know she wlould have wanted me to be happy, so I press on.)
I guess that's not too helpful to you right now, but believe me, if you keep open about life and keep looking outward and getting involved wsith life, you will get through this. Please don't hesitate to write again, even personally to me if it helps, and I sincerely wish you joy and happiness in the future,as I know everyone else here does too.
Love, Derry