Today would have been my dads birthday. He's not here for me to pick up the phone and wish him many happy returns for his special day. I can't send him a card. Can't get him a present. So what in god's name am I meant to do? I had a dreadful nights sleep and woke up with a feeling deep inside like something was wrong. I took my daughter to school - which took all the strength i could muster, and have come home and done nothing but cry. I've listened to some of his favourite songs, looked at photos, watched a home movie with him in......nothing is helping. So maybe some aversion therepy would help? A nice walk maybe? Shopping - i'm a girl, that should cheer me up! Well it didn't! I walked around with tears streaming down my face and people looking at me like i'm some kind of freak. How do people cope with these days? It's hard enough coping day-to-day. Although he died in June I still have this incredible pain inside, only now it's been joined by an aching. The thing is, I don't want it to stop or go away. I know that may sound silly, but i'm absolutely petrified that if it stops then i'm going to forget him. That my life will just go back to normal and he will be just a memory. I DON'T WANT THAT! The thought of that ever being even just a faint possibility tears me apart. Then I end up having all these weird, thoughts in my head, like how will my daughter cope when she has to deal with this? What happens if I was to die in the next few years, she hasn't got a dad, so who will look after her? Would who-ever she goes to love her like I do, protect and treasure her? Then my fear of dying reaches fever-pitch and I end up having a panic attack. I feel so messed up. My doctors aren't very good, don't get anywhere with them - takes too much time to deal with a bereaved person now-a-days. i'm sorry, i'm just struggling so much it's hard to make sense of things sometimes.
I hope everyone is keeping well.
Look after yourselves and eachother.
Best Wishes.
Dawn.x

Hi Dawn, I just read your message and now I've got the tears too. Sadly, I got no answers for you, it's the six months anniversary of my dad's passing in a couple of days....so I do know exactly where you are coming from. Please please don't worry about forgetting him - that won't happen - he was your dad and he always will be, you'll never lose your memories. A thought occurred to me this morning, my dad's youngest grandchild, my niece, was two last month, my dad as I said has been gone 6 months - it freaked me out to think that he has been missing from a quarter of her short life. Don't know why I was getting uptight over that, our minds just work overtime I guess.

I believe your panic attacks will pass - I ring my mum every day, sometimes twice a day, but there was a time when if she wasn't in - I'd panic like mad thinking something could have happened to her - totally irrational as she is always out dog walking or shopping - but again, the mind works overtime.

Look after yourself too, you're in my thoughts, I'm so sorry you're having a bad day.

JW

X X

Hi Dawn,
Lost my dad in march this year, am dreading his birthday in january and imagine i'll do exactly as you have. Grief is such a private thing, I think there must be so many people sobbing at home, my friends probably don't know i am still crying most days, they think because i behave 'normally' that everything is okay.
i found myself crying and avoided shopping around father's day, there were signs everywhere and i just wanted to scream.
i also have worried about anyone else in my family dying or me dying. i have even rewritten my will.
I understand your deep aching and pain as i still feel it. I also still can't believe it has actually happened. How can one week my dad ring up and sing happy birthday to my daughter, then the next week be dead.It just isn't right.
It does really help to read others postings on this site to realise we are not all going mad and that our feelings are so similar.
take care
Sue

Hi Dawn
im so sorry you have had such a difficult day, these special days are so hard to get through. Ive heard that after the first year it gets easier but this is of little comfort when you are in so much pain. My mum died in may and I can relate to alot of your thoughts and feelings. I too am afraid of time passing and my mum becoming a memory and sometimes feel like I want my life to stay the same so that my mum doesnt miss anything. Seems strange as im sure they would want us to be getting on with our lives.
I have a daughter aged 4 and an 8 week old baby girl who my mum knew she was not going to meet,life is so cruel isnt it. I have had the same fear of something happening to me and leaving them without a mum. I hate the thought of them having to go through this even when they are older. I think our grief is so raw at the moment and this fear will subside in time.
Im afraid I dont really have any advice for these difficult days other than to take them as they come,cry as much as you need to and dont expect to much of yourselve. You sound as though you are being very strong for your daughter. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

take care, Beth x