Hi,I can`t begin to explain how I am feeling right now.I went to the chapel of rest today to see my dad for one last time.I am devastated it didn`t look like my dad at all not sure now if I should have gone or not.I am totally bewildered and confused.I couldn`t bring myself to type on here yesterday it was one of the worst days.The Post Mortem report turned up in the post.I couldn`t believe they had sent it to the house.My husband wouldn`t let me see it.After he had looked at it he went and drank nearly a full liter of whisky.By yesterday evening he was in a right state he shouted at me and took off out of the house.I ended up running after him in bare feet.I really believe if I had not gone after him he would have done something stupid.It took me from 5pm until around 8pm to calm him down.He seems a little more in control today but I am really worried about him and I am trying to persuade him to see the doctor.He was so very close to my dad.He would stop up most of the night and give my dad Nebulisers and made sure he was okay.He helped me look after my dad for over ten years,I couldn`t wish for a better husband.
I came on here today because I am finding it difficult to cope with the rest of the family.I have been shouted at by my sister who wanted to totally take over everything but hardly ever came to see my dad.Then my sisters husband had a pop at me for telling my niece to pass a message on about the funneral because I was just too upset to keep ringing everyone all the time.Yesterday it was my dads brother complaining about how we are not having people back after the funneral.Firstly my dad didn`t want this so I want to respect his wishes.Secondly all my cousins invited themselves and most of them haven`t even seen my dad for nearly 30 years.My Uncle was complaining at me saying they will need something to eat they have come a long way.I shall have to take them to my house so I will leave it at that.Then he put the phone down on me.The other problem is money my mum has had all her benefits frozen and neither me or my husband have worked for a while because we gave our jobs up to care for both my parents.Then also the time to prepare food for everyone and noone has even offered any help.We`ve been running around filling forms in trying to sort things out the best we can.Every department seems to want the same form and we only have one and they won`t take photo copies they all want the original.
All I want now is for my dad`s funneral to be dignified on Friday without all the arguing.It isn`t the time or place.I am starting to wish they would all just stay away.I can`t stop crying and I am so worried about what they will all do on Friday.


Love and hugs to you all,Sandra xxxx

Dear Sandra,
I'm so sorry you're having all these problems with family, etc. Unfortunately it doesn't come as a surprise to me as these kind of situations seem to bring our the worst in people. My mum had it with my dad's family when he passed away, and I've had problems with my sister regarding my mum who died in May and it's very distressing. I didn't have anyone back to my house after my mum's funeral, even though some had travelled a long way.
I was glad that I visited my mum in the chapel of rest and hope that you will be too, in the folowing months.
I understand how you feel with all the paperwork, etc as nearly 6 months on, I'm still dealing with the solicitor and it's been really stressful (and still is!)
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Love to you and everyone on here.
Louise x

I am so sorry to hear of all this stress and trauma. I know it is not uncommon, although fortunately I didn't have any of this with Pat's death, although when our son died we certainly found out who our friends were and aren't. All I can say to you is, keep on holding on to your belief that you ahve done everything you could, and be tolerant of those who are cracking a bit under the strain. You had a terrible long time of suffering, and I know how that can take it out of you. In another few weeks things will settle down, and it is better if you haven't done anything now you regret. I am thinking of you today, and I am sure everyone else here will be doing the same. Once the funeral is over things , honestly, do start to become more mamageable. Tha's whay we have funerals. i didn't want to see my wife's coffin, but once I did, I knew I had to go on. You will do the same. it is the chance to say goodbye, and it is possible that wqe will all meet our loved ones again, in a different world. Please be strong.
Love,
Derry

Dear Sandra,

I read your original message and meant to post a reply. I am so sorry about your dad and about the hard situation you now find yourself in with the rest of the family.

All I can say is that it will pass, and you will, somehow, be okay at the end of it. As Derry said, you must try and hold yourself together with as much strength and dignity as you can. The effort will leave you exhausted but if you can stay calm, not say the things you have every right to think, not react to other people's hurtful comments,then you can hold your head high and your dad would be so so proud of you.

I lost my dad over a year and a half ago, and think about him all the time, but am glad he is free from being ill all the time. There was some difficulty around the time of the funeral, rows etc, and I managed to keep the head down and keep out of it. Things were said that people regret and while it is understandable to crack under the pressure, you can't unsay these things, and it leaves a bad taste.

As for having people back to the house, this should be your choice. It's hard when money is tight, but I'm a great believer in paying for things to be simple, so maybe there is a way that you can get people to meet in a pub and have sandwiches provided?

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you calm and strength. Funerals are something of a performance, not the place where you'll do your real grieving, I think. So, if you can just get through the day and keep the head, you'll be doing really well.

Take care of yourself.
Lara x

Sandra,
Thinking of you on this difficult day and hope everything goes well under the crcumstances.
Love to you and everyone else on here.
Louise x

My sister and my brother in law split up 8 years ago after 35 years of marriage. It was the first time they were in tha same room together with thier new partners back in May at mums funeral.
Mum often used to say, i wonder if they will be able to face one another if we ever have a marraige or funeral....
On the day of the funeral i was so worried they would argue, but everything went ok and they managed to stay out of each others way. Mum would have been happy they put thier differences aside for a few hours.

I found that i really didnt know what mum would have liked for her funeral, it is something you dont often discuss not unless you know you are going to die soon, i suppose.
I just hope mum was happy at what i did for her, i thought we had a lovely funeral for her...very very sad yet such a wonderful celebration of her life....

We had to have a post motem done for mum and i thought at to time it was a good idea as i wanted to know what she had died of, but i did not realise really what a post mortem was...like your husband i found it a shock to read...but somehow i am still obsessed with how she died and why she died and watch programmes and read books on heart attacks...like i am trying to find someone or something to blame. i dont know...?
love to you all
Amanda

The funneral was yesterday and the service went well.My Uncle came to the house before the funneral and started swearing because he found out his wife was going to the service as well.I found this very disrespectful but managed to bite my tongue.As I expected noone has contacted us since.Most of them had not seen my dad in years and I can`t help but think most of them just came because they thought they had to.When we got back to the house my Uncle tried to hug my mum but my mum didn`t want anyone near her.She misses my dad so much she has been distant ever since my dad passed on.I think it`s her way of dealing with it but my Uncle has took offence so I doubt he will be visiting anytime soon.Before my Uncle left he told me I could have done more.I cared for my dad for 14 years so now I am wondering if I could have done more.I`m just so glad noone argued at the service.I think my dad would have approved of what we had arranged,I hope so anyway.
I felt very angry this morning not with my dad but angry because I was`nt able to stop all this happening.This evening I just keep bursting out in tears.
I feel so upset and helpless about the post mortem.I tried to stop them doing it but they did it anyway.My dad was a miner and it is now the law to perform a post mortem on every miner.As if they haven`t gone through enough already.My dad died due to the chronic bronchitis he suffered from all the years he spent down the coal mine.In the end he couldn`t get enough oxygen in his lungs so his heart had to work overtime to try and pump around the little oxygen he managed to take in.His heart couldn`t keep up in the end and he had a massive heart attack.I can`t help but think if he never worked down the coal mine would he still be hear?The post mortem said he had 15% dust in his lungs.
He suffered for the last 8 years of his life due to the coal mine.It was so difficult to watch I can`t help thinking there must have been something I could have done to save him even though I was told over and over there is no cure.
I feel empty and lonely.

Love and hugs to you all,Sandra xxxxx

Hi the reason they are behaving that way is because of grief, which affects everyone differently. I understand this because I'm seeing it right now all the time. It doesn't make it nice when you get hurt by them. It's awful but the reason behind it all is their grief. They may be feeling really guilty, they may resent you thinking you are coping better when you may not be at all, there are so many reaons.

All you need to know is they are grieving in different ways and there are a lot of strong emotions going around whereby people react in a way they wouldn't normally just as you may feel it also right now. Grief throws so much at you. It's a mixture of strong feelings and it bloody hurts.

Just try and go with the flow, things will calm down eventually.

Just keep hope

Take care