Hi to all

My name is John and I've been bereaved 21 months.
I lost my soul mate Pamela who was 58 years of age, 6 years older than myself after being together 23 wonderful years, she fell to sleep on the 16th January the day after my birthday. The following is a memorial website I created for her.

http://pam-carnall.memory-of.com/

I cannot describe how I miss her, she would have been 60 last Monday 29th Oct 07.
I wanted to tell everyone my feelings as to how my life is today from how it once was when my Pamela was here with me.
9 months after loosing Pamela I lost my Mum who was 83, who I thought the world of also, Mum died on the 21st of Oct 06.
2006 has been the worst year in my remembering, of the 53 years of my life that I have lived.
I am the same natured person that I was, but having had the worst things happened to me I feel that nothing else can hurt anymore like it as.
I sense that I've lost track of time and time don't matter anymore...
I often think to myself, am I some what better today than I initially was, I answer to myself, ( I must be ) but at times it don't feel like it.
The worst thing is that I am so lonely, having grieved by myself most of the time, which maybe don't help too much. But that is how we lived, quiet and loved each others company together and very close indeed, spending most of our days together even with our work.
In 23 years of being together I can honestly say that we slept apart 3 nights and that's when I had to go into hospital and have a small opp, I missed her so much then and was glad to come home.
Without knowing, I'm sure it is getting better for me, as the famous time thing flows on and on, but what a shame that we have to loose our precious time on earth to grieve and mend or repair somewhat.
My first thoughts when I lost the most precious person in my life, my honest true love, was that I had to find someone else to love and care for and someone to love me, it don't quite work, like that does it?
In an ideal world this is how I think.
Widows and Widowers are a special breed of people, that is a fact. All other people can only imagine how we feel but will never ever know exactly until they are one of us.
So if there's anyone in control out there, they should be pointing us together, to re-build, in time, a second life to live if you like, and find happiness with our special breed to support each other.
To be able to discuss our past lives with each other with no jealousy and to enjoy all we once had. This is the ideal foundation I see, for us to one day, when the time is correct, be the most appropriate .
This all sounds so crude and inappropriate for someone who has just lost someone special, but in time it all makes sense, it has done to me, having experienced trying to move on with people who don't understand us.
A relationship is to support each other in an equal fashion of the same, where we think a like, hence the widowed.

Finally I wrote a poem 2 weeks ago entitled (My Upside Down World)
The lyrics took me 15 minutes to write and come to me on one of my bad days, from my heart.

Best wishes to everyone, my heart goes out to you all of our special breed.


My Upside Down World

Gone are the days that once where happy
Strong memories of the days that are now so sad
Voices of special people that are now no longer
So trapped in my ways that I once did have

An upside down world which I now live in
Parted away from loved ones forever it seems
Questions as to how, and why this should happen
And negative answers as I live in past dreams

Imprisoned in tears it seems now my life is
Accepting the fact that my best days are gone
Voices I here which are a permanent fixture
Calling out loud, my name, JOHN

Never ever will I forget my special loved ones
Like they will never ever forget me
In another world, a day awaits, for us to be together
This is my belief, this will happen, you see.

lyrics by John Carter.

Hi john know exactly how you feel i lost my hubby 21 month,s ago .Istill miss him like crazy no one to tell your troublrs to ,no one to give you a hug when thing,s go wrong but somehow we get thro.........HAZEL.

Hello John

Your whole message rang so true with me. Even though I have got a relationship going with someone, there are so many times (like now) when I desperately miss my friend and lover of fifty years (46 of them as my wife).particularly tonight when I can't see my new friend as it is her birthday and her daughter has flown over specially from Boston and wants to spend the whole day with her mum. So although I keep pretty busy, the time spent on my own seems awful. My daughter told m this afternoon that my "special needs" grandson..13 going on 7, told her he had a got a gold star at school, and said he got it because he had prayed to Grandma in Heaven...I tell you I cracked up at that. I have thought a lot recently about where Pat has gone, and had lots of mad ideas. I do know she is in Heaven, because wherever she was, was heaven, so she took it with her! Just before she died she had a sort of faraway look in her eyes, and I hope that meant she could see where she was going.
I read recently a liltle piece which said that as we se a ship going over the horizon and we cry at the loss, there is another group of people cheering and smiling as they see the ship approaching over their horizon. Maybe it works that way?
I thought your lyric was really moving, as it was so sincere. I wrote something long ago, actually after my son died, but some people may find this poem helpful.

It's something I certainly hope is true.


I’LL BE AROUND

I may not be around
The way I used to be
But I’ll be missing you
Like you miss me
I may not be around
To take you by the hand
Together growing older as we planned
But living through the years
Each time you feel the tears
Remember that it means
I’m crying too
And I’ll be just as close
As a hand upon your heart
Each time you feel that same old sadness start
And then you’ll know for sure
That what was lost was found
Most of all when you’re alone
I’ll be around

Love to you all, and please keep on sharing, and writing It does help those of who are alone.
Love
Derry

I thank you both Derry and Hazel for your kind words and thoughts.
Such a lovely piece of poetry Derry, such a lovely lyric, you should write more.
Yes...your so correct Hazel in saying some how life goes on, it certainly has to doesn't it?
I think we have to look upon such as you Derry with more experience than most of us here, being more timed served in both your loss's than, well me anyhow, also Hazel.
My 21 months is nothing to your 5 yrs or so is it?
Can we learn from you Derry, that would be my question ? is there anything we aught to know from your longer period of time grieving etc?
I do understand that we all differ, for example. I once new someone who lost his wife and with in 6 months re-married, now that wouldn't be possible for me, as what I am about to tell you is pretty unique.
Pam and myself lived together as partners for 23 years, we'd both had previous marriages, Pam's 17 years with two boys and mine 8 years with two boys which both failed. Also failed regards to me seeing my boys, whom I don't see even today, which are of the age of 36 and 38 years. It's just the way it went many years ago. My support has come from my darling Pam's son, Paul, who I think the world of but don't see much of him as he has his family and work to deal with, everyone has lives don't they ?.
When one's marriage fails we tend to look upon marriage in a different way naturally, hence why Pam and myself weren't concerned about getting married.
We had all that could possibly happen in our relationship and marriage wouldn't bring any more fruits along with it. My proof is, we were both happier un-married for a longer period than we both were married, for shorter periods.
So maybe when one's marriage fails, one looses the interest in marriage hey ?
Sorry...that's not a dig at the ones who are, or who were married one time only, it's just the way we were as a couple. Like I say we are all so different in many ways, not just the grieving part of things.
The terrible thing I experienced not being married was I couldn't sign death certificates, deal with insurances etc, which was heartbreaking for me, we sorted it though with the next of kin which was Pam's son, Paul.
I have no regrets of my 53 years of living and have succeeded in many things. Pam and myself run our own business in the motor trade which we both worked so hard at and now my work today is self employed in which again I'm successful.
Correction..I do have a regret. That is I wanted to live some years into our retirement together eventually, which wasn't meant to be was it.
I'm very much like you it seems Derry, alone with very little family and days that I never see or talk to anyone, which don't help matters at times does it?.
We used to be some what loners if you like, but together...or should I just say liked to be quiet in our own company much of the time.
This is why my days now seem to be so hard when I'm in my home by myself.
I do know that our losses change our life style too, no matter how we may think it doesn't.
Never ever did I think I would get back into motor biking, gone were those days of dressing in leathers and helmets and such and the so called roughing a journey as apposed to getting in a nice comfy warm car..lol
It wasn't Pam's scene, so we simply didn't do it.
But here's me seriously biking again and enjoying it to a degree. It could all be got rid of in a flick of the finger to have my Pam back as you can imagine. What on earth would she say if only she knew, I'm sure she would say, now that can go back from where you got it, lol.
My life is so different today like yours must be, from how it once was. Like my poem describes, "Gone are the days that once were happy"
One thing I do know and it is this....Ask yourself what is the ultimate thing that makes you happy and content in life ? there's only one thing that comes to my mind, and that is LOVE. I believe until we love again none of us will be happy, because simply we have all experienced great love haven't we?. We will always love our lost wife's or husbands or partner's etc, but it is true fact that in time, LOVE should hit us again for a second time in a different way, until this happens our grief will continue and we will remain sad. This is only my thinking, but then again, I'm a family man that just wants normal company and to be happy again eventually like I once was.

Keep up the posts Hazel and Derry....I like to read

Best wishes all

John.

HI JOHN. and DERRY i had a night out saterday with my sister.we went to a rock.n.roll night ,i wasn,t sure sbout going but i ran out of excuses...glad i did after facing old friend,s i had,nt seen since the funeral and getting the simpathy thing out of the way i had a realy good time.i had a few glasses of wine and started to enjoy myself.there was a lot of tony,s friends there and after telling me how pleased he be about me getting out enjoying myself and having me in tear,s telling me all or should i say some of the happy memories they had of him.the difference being i was laughing and crying at the same time.it was a v.gggd night and i slept well.itold tony all about it when igot home...no i,m not crazy i just find it help,s to talk to his photo that way i dont feel as lonely when i get home. and i suppose i,m still looking for approvel don,t know how he,d feel about the wine though.Good to have people to talk to ....HUG,S to both of you ..HAZEL

HI JOHN. and DERRY i had a night out saterday with my sister.we went to a rock.n.roll night ,i wasn,t sure sbout going but i ran out of excuses...glad i did after facing old friend,s i had,nt seen since the funeral and getting the simpathy thing out of the way i had a realy good time.i had a few glasses of wine and started to enjoy myself.there was a lot of tony,s friends there and after telling me how pleased he be about me getting out enjoying myself and having me in tear,s telling me all or should i say some of the happy memories they had of him.the difference being i was laughing and crying at the same time.it was a v.gggd night and i slept well.itold tony all about it when igot home...no i,m not crazy i just find it help,s to talk to his photo that way i dont feel as lonely when i get home. and i suppose i,m still looking for approvel don,t know how he,d feel about the wine though.Good to have people to talk to ....HUG,S to both of you ..HAZEL

Hi Hazel

I'm pleased you had a nice evening out, so you should girl. I know it will never be like it once was and we will always be hurt by what we've been dealt with, but at least your trying so hard, just like me.
My work takes me out many evenings entertaining sort of thing, I'm a musician. I watch many people enjoying themselves and have to try and look as though there's nothing wrong with me, but all the time you and I know there is. What a thing to do, to almost be a liar in a sense. But like you say we must try try and try.

Your not at all going silly regarding talking to Tony, you talk to him Hazel because he's listening you know.
I do the same to Pam and my Mum. People can think what they like and like us, one day will know what we're talking about.

Must dash now shopping and bills to pay...damn..lol

So lovely to chat to people who understand and know exactly how we all feel isn't it ?

Have as nice a day as you can Hazel...

John.

It's nice to see so many messages here. even though that means a lot of people are sad, but at least we're all weighing in to help. So upsetting to know how hard it is to have to deal with someone who is in such a bad state, and needs the ambulance. I had months of that, in and out of intensive care, and being honest, it was a great relief when Pat finally passed away. As someone has said, I feel sure she is now at peace, and perhaps watching over me. Certainly things have gone better than they were doing even before she was ill. However, we all have to take one day at a time, and try to help each other. Glad to hear you like my poem, John. yes, I have written lots, mostly as song lyrics, and even had a few releases, no hits, alas! Like you, I am a musician, and still make a modest living, mainly living in the cracks.
It is hard to find words to help people who are going through the shock of bereavement, but I believe the mere fact of writing and reading on here is a great help.
I have realised that Pat and I devoted so much time and energy to each other that I am left with very few friends in the "real" world, so it is wonderful to have you lot to moan to.
Keep on keeping on.
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry....hope your ok my friend.
The life you once lived with you beloved Pat seems very similar to mine with my darling Pam. We were never apart and we got on so well, never getting fed up with each other, and never ever did we have any big arguments. Little disagreements like all couples do, but nothing that was a problem. Never getting fed up of each others company, that to me is unique and I realize I may never find that again in my life. After saying that, we both had the same calm nature as each other, it takes two of the same doesn't it to create magic and there's the great (give and take attitude) that we should all have. What we have all lost is so special to each of us, original if you like, just like when we write our songs / lyrics etc, but we must never throw in the towel and think it cannot happen again, that is giving up and we all know that we're not going to give up are we?. Our lost loved one's want us to be happy, so what ever it is that makes us happy, we must do.
Like I mentioned before there's only one thing that made me happy, that was LOVE, to have loved such a wonderful person I feel blessed for 23 years of knowing my Pam. The greatest wish of all time would be to have her back again, which we know is impossible, my second greatest wish is to replicate what I had, with a new love, someone new who was just as special and visa versa, but never should we judge what we had, we should build on what we've got at present.
What a coincidence Derry that we're both musicians at heart. I've played guitar and sang since the age of 13 and loved a life of music, mainly rock orientated music, not heavy rock but stuff that one can understand. I feel priviligded that my youthful days haven't been wasted regarding learning my trade that earns me a living today. It is the only successful thing I have now, my music, which I do still enjoy, but nothing like it once was. I've also been a great original writer but not been able to indulge at all since Monday, January 16th 2006, when my world stopped in it's tracks.
Tell me more about your music Derry, I'd love to know my friend...

John.

Hi John
Just like you 2006 was the worst year of my life. I lost my Paul who I was married to for 29 years he was only 49. I am nearly 50 and I feel so lonely and lost without him.
I also lost my step Dad in 2007, the pain is not so fierce as when I first lost Paul but the ache is still there. I know life goes on I have had so many experiences and they will wait for us around the corner.
I go out for meals, keep fit and generally keep myself busy but nothing replaces a loved one does it?
I hate the loneliness and the feeling the best years of my life are maybe gone maybe we can all help one another by talking.
Love to Derry and Hazel too I am thinking of you all.
A big hug for you John email me antime
Love Heather

Hi Heather

Such a coincidence that we both share the same awful year 2006 together and also may be in the same state of repair hey? I know we all handle things different but much of this grieving will be similar I should say.
Heather, it does seem that our best day's are over doesn't it? We must be wrong in thinking this way. Simply because we see people who have gone through what we have gone through years prior and live happy lives with new partners / wives / husbands etc. So this must be proof that there will be another life for us to live if that's what we wish. I believe that everyone should have someone, so it must go on. But here's where the problems lie in my reckoning.
As widowers we never want to forget our past lives do we? The lovely times we had, holidays, trips out in the car on those lovely summer days, the laughter we used to share until we cried, the holding each other close, feeling so content and almost taking it all for granted, that wonderful feeling of being honestly wanted and for me, almost doing everything together as a couple, never ever will I forget all this. Neither would I want to feel as though I shouldn't have to mention this to anyone else as many times as I wish from time to time, and visa versa. If ever there is going to be another life together, like our good friend Derry has met a friend, the understanding should be absolutely no jealously over the mentioning of our past lives, this is my point. Like I said before in another post, our special breed understands each other so much that this shouldn't be.
I've thought like you Heather, hence my poem I wrote if you have read, one of the lines reading (Accepting the fact that my best days are gone) but, I think we all do certain things under impulse at times, the way we feel at that specific time, my poem was written on one of my bad days and only means what it says at that time of writing, if you understand what I'm saying. I can't explain exactly what I mean, maybe it's my mixed up mind talking here, another part of the grieving I may be experiencing. We do all funny things don't we? That’s another thing, not quite knowing what we are doing at times...
So never think that your best days are gone Heather...there is a reason why we are still here and both Tony and Pam are gone and are simply fast asleep, think of it that way.
Ok Heather...fingers tired out now and becoming squinty eyed...lol, so it's over to you.

Keep ya chin up girl, here's me telling you to do so.

John.

hi all,tried to send mess earlier but failed for some reason.so john and derry are musicions,itried my hand at guitar in my younger days but i was rubish i was in a group though before going solo i sang up untill ihad my second child and after that i only did afew charity gigs, i still like to sing for pleasure,[night,s out].maybe i,ll get back into it ,,,talking to you all has brought out alot of good memories god i,m even starting to smile alot...keep up the good work.HAZEL.x

Hi John
Thanks for your kind words they really helped. I can understand what you are trying to say that Life does go on and we are a special breed because we all know how one another feels.
I believe Pam and Paul are with us still as I have had many experiences with Paul. My girls have been a great help although they are grown up one is 18 and the other is 23 years.
Its good to know you love music, I love music it is the food of life. And makes you feel so many emotions.
I think it is good you can put your feelings down it does help doesnt it? I know what you mean by there never will be any jealousy if you have both lost someone and people have the same feelings and you can really chat then and get on well together. This probably does not make much sense but I can understand you on this one.
I hope you are having a good day thinking of you and all our other friends on here take care and look forward to hearing from you soon.
My email is heathersimpson199@yahoo.co.uk so feel free if you want to talk.
A big hug
Love Heather

Hi Hazel and Heather...and Derry and everyone of our sort...
Lovely to hear what you have to say, I think this is wonderful place to hang out for us people, I'm pleased I found it.
Nice to hear you used to sing Hazel...I can't remember not doing lol.
I'm going to let you listen to something I've just this minute completed today. It is the first thing that I have wrote since loosing my Pam, I haven't had the heart or interest at all like you can all imagine.
The poem I posted in my first message on this thread entitled (My upside down World) is available to listen here http://bandmix.co.uk/stringer/ look on the right hand side of the page and there you will see it, click and listen. I wrote the lyrics from my broken heart on one of my bad days...like we all have, but like I say, just this afternoon managed to put some accompaniment and created a melody to them, hope you enjoy...

I will email you Heather soon....


John.

hi john and all.looked and listened john,,what can i say?guess were a talented bunch with a lot more in common than we thought,maybe thats how we can talk to each other so easily a sort of common bond.pleased i came back on i was feeling a bit low poppy sellers have bin around i didnt realize it was so near the 11th.got two crosses for cemetery one for tony one for dad.they never missed a armistas march when they were here and they wore there com meds and regimental regalier with pride sunday i,lltake them for them ..tears coming now..hi to Derry and heather and anyone else who reads my ramblings..isnt it marvelous your all right one minute and all wrong the next ill go now and [talk] to my hubby or bend the poor dogs ear,,,,if she could talk what a tale she,d tell...bye for now.Hazel.x

Hi Hazel

Thank you for listening to my masterpiece...lol I wish, yes you must be so correct in what you say, us creative sort with no problems at all to waffle on and on to each other, this is good therapy for us, you know that don't you Hazel? Yes it'll soon be the 11th yet again.
Hoping to get my motor bike out tomorrow and have a steady cruise around if the weather is dry, won't come out if rain is forecast. Heard the forecast and they do say it's going to turn colder and winds getting up...brrrrrrrrr winter is upon us.
Also need to go up the grave and take the flowers off from nearly a fortnight ago, they'll be ready now I should say.
When one is feeling down Hazel, what better a place to come and sit and type to each other on here, I'm so pleased I found you all, it does help us to know that at the other end of here there are real people just like myself who are suffering exactly the same as me.
You talk Hazel to Tony or the dog like you say.....He's listening you know that, yes we're ok on min and not the next, know exactly where ya coming from girl...

Thinking of you

John x