I'm new to this forum and would like to be part of your community.
I am deeply moved by all the messages I have read here, and would like to share my thoughts with you all.

I lost my mother to lung and brain cancer in June 2005, she was only 66. It was a long illness as she battled for nearly 3 years with the most amazing courage anyone could imagine. My mother and I were very close, this is underlined by the fact that I was an only child.

My parents separated many years ago but remained good friends, so as my mother lived alone I decided to move in with her when she became ill, and became her full time carer. As the illness progressed, she became bed-ridden and eventually got taken to the local hospice where she spent her last days.

Two and a half years on, and I am still in a hell of a state. I have been on anti-depressants, had time off work, had extensive counselling and still show the classic symptoms and effects of depression. Admittedly, there are spells when I feel I am adjusting to life without mum, but they often cloud over again in what seems a constant state of peaks and troughs. I don't feel like I'm the same person anymore, I'm not the happy bloke I once was.

I have alienated myself from my friends, isolated myself and lost interest in many things that I used to hold dear to me before (I lack motivation), and get very tearful on a regular basis. I often wonder if this is normal behaviour, even after all this time, and would be grateful for any views on this.

Hope to chat soon,
Kind regards, Max

Max,
A warm welcome to this site.
I empathise with you regarding the sad loss of your mum as my mum passed away 6 months ago and I feel awful a lot of the time. It hits me unexpectedly at times and I can't believe she's not here. I like to believe she is somewhere close to me and as I've mentioned on here before, she is safe and not suffering.
I've found this site so helpful and am really glad I found it.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Love and best wishes to you and everyone on here.
Louise x

P.S. John, I really liked your song and am glad you were able to talk to someone in the same situation as yourself. x

Hi Max and everyone

Try not to feel lonely Max, when you do you must visit this place where we all share our feelings with one another, such a nice place it is on here with nice people, but yes, we all feel bad about everyone's sadness.
You are normal Max believe me, just so normal. You have lost someone extra special and you are damaged from it, like us all. We will all learn to live with our grief and it will get better like Derry will tell you. We all need to tell each other this and support each other. I need support as much as you do, so we must learn to advise each other that things will get better.
There's not a day goes past that I don't come here now and read and type with our special breed of people. I only come here because I want to and something tells me that it is a place that will help me in my new world of sadness.
Chin up Max...believe me buddy, try and be strong for you Mum too, and type to your hearts content to us about anything at all.

Cheers friend

John.

P.S thank you kindly Louise for taking a listen to my newly written song and liking it too...I love my music, it's been the best therapy I could have wished for and you know what Louise, I sing from my heart, to my Pamela every time I sing, I'm sure she can hear too.

Take care Louise

hi max.yes your feeling,s are normal, if there is such a thing,.i lost my parent,s a long time ago and still shed tear,s,not every day but most day,s,luckily for them they did,nt suffer[or so i,m told] but the suddeness of their heart attaks left mein a state.Both times i thought life could,nt get any worse,but it did on the 21stdec 2005 my husband died.He had battled cancer for nearly two year,s,he,d had a horrific operation within one month of finding out he had it which was to give him [5year,s] i wish i,d talked him out of it and spent quality time together instead of watching him endure various treatmrnts that were taking him to hellish limit,s.so i do know part of what your feeling'everyone on here has a share in your grief ,it,s taken me until two week,s ago to start to let my feeling,s so your not alone BEST WUSHES ,,HAZEL

I just want to say a huge thanks to you all for giving me such a warm welcome, and of course offer my sincere condolences to everyone's losses, whether they be recent or a while ago.

I never realised there would be a forum like this, how I wish I had discovered it sooner! It is such a relief to be in touch with people who are so understanding and compassionate.

"I live in times that have no light,just cloudy darkness, endless night"
"I no longer see the sun, I laugh but never feel the fun"
"I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be"

Just excerpts of a poem I read yesterday, and how we can all relate to that.

Over the next few postings I hope to be able to offer strength and support to all of you, as well as share thoughts and problems.

Thank you for letting me be part of your "family"

Max
xx

Hello to you all and I hope you're having a reasonable day under the circumstances.
Max, many thanks for sharing the poem - I can identify with those words. I've had quite a bad day mentally - I have so much stress still dealing with the solicitors regarding my mum's house, etc. Hopefully it will soon be completed and I will be able to organise a headstone for her. I have another family problem that's causing me so much worry and some days can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I try and think positively and know that my mum would hate to see me so down, and I'm sure that goes for everyone's loved one's that have passed away.
Love and best wishes as always to you all.
Louise x

P.S. Keep up with the music, John!

hi everyone,sorry your having a bad time louise i had months of stress after tony died trying to sort thing,s out i did,nt think i,d get through it but by some small miracle i did so hang on in there you,l get there in the end....max !you john and derry put us girl,s to shame with your poetry and creative writing...hope you have gained from this forum,..i find just being able to offload now and then help,s.so keep on talking were all here for the same reason and so we,l allways listen..Hazel x

I just got back from a few days away, and it's good to see that people are weighing in to support those who have just joined us. I can't comment on any particular thread yet as I am snowed under with business stuff at home. Gave myself a shock tonight though, as I was messing about with my mobile phone(haven't a clue) and suddenly played back part of a conversation betweem Pat and my daughter, recorded a few years ago. Pat sounded so joyful and full of life, that I was flattened when I realised I would never hear that voice agin. Devastating. I am filling up with tears just to think about it. I will be strong though, as I am moving forward with Barbara's help, and I just had an email from Pat's oldest friend telling me I was doing the right thing and that Pat would have approved totally. So believe me everyone, it is possible to come through the fog of grief although it may take time. Please keep on talking to us all about your feelings and we will all do our best. Thanks to you all for your wonderful help to me.
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry hope you enjoyed your break.i,m off for a few day,s next week i think i might have mentioned my friend is here from london for a couple of week,s and we decided to get a flight out to spain and have a few days break,shes been having a bit of a bad time so it,l do us both good to escape for a while.ibet it was a bit of a shock to hear your wifes voice,but nice to know you handled it well,i hope i can get to that stage im told im still in denial where Tonys concerned,maybe their right i just cant seem to get past the waiting bit if that means sense to you ,,,GOD it doesnt even make sense to me,ithink if i could just find a large open space with noone about and just screeeeeam all of this pent up ,,,,,,WHATEVER,,,,I,D FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER,,,barbara must be a real gem to go through this with you and i,m sure Pat would approve of her,after all shes taking good care of her man. hugs to all Hazel x

I find it very difficult to read these messages without tears in my eyes.
How I wish I could embrace you all!

The last 3 years have without doubt been the worst of my life, and at my lowest ebb I had some very disturbing thoughts. This was last year, and I live in constant fear of going down that road again. As if things weren't bad enough, at the same time I had relationship problems with my then girlfriend as well, which seemed to emphasize the loss of my mum even more as she was the only person I would turn to in times of need like this. She never approved of this relationship initially, and how right she turned out to be. They say your mother knows best, but I chose not to listen at the time.

In my experience good, genuine friends are very hard to find, especially when you need them most, but in the last 5 or 6 months I have found such a person who has given me so much support, she has restored my faith in human kindness. It doesn't make the pain go away but it's nice to have someone caring to turn to, especially as I have no family other than my father.

Derry, to hear Pat's voice must have been such an emotional time for you, I relate to that in a similar way as I currently live in my mother's house, and there are reminders of her everywhere, not least the house itself.

Louise, I hope all goes well for you, it's horrible having to sort these things out. I hope you have plenty of support from those close to you, and find the strength to pull you through.

Hazel, I hope you have a nice time in Spain, it will do you good to get away. You're being very positive and keeping strong.

Finally for now, here's my favourite quote as it especially reminds me of mum:
"A happy childhood is the greatest gift parents have in their power to bestow" thank you mum.

Best wishes to you all,
Max
xx