hi everyone. i'm not too sure if i know why i'm starting this message but i came across the site and just feel like i want to talk. i'm 19 and just over a year ago my sister was killed in a car crash. it wasnt her fault...some guys were racing cars. i'm finding it harder now more than ever as i finally come to terms with it and i just don't know how. its strange reading things on here where most people have lost a parent or it is through an illness. i know all deaths are extremely awful but i can't explain the feeling i have as its just such a shock and realisation i can;t cope with. i dont think i can see a counsellor. my boyfriend is incredible but i snap at him alot as my emotions are still so up and down. maybe by writing here i just want someone to listen, whether anyone responds or not this has helped!

i hope everyone is ok, and i'm sorry for your loss.

xxxx

Hi ya Roxy,

My name is John and I am listening to you, as are many more on this forum. I am extremely sorry for your loss of you sister.
As I think what to type to you I'm honestly lost for words to even try and imagine how you must be feeling, but knew I had to reply to you to try and ease your pain.
Reason being we're all pretty much in the same boat on here with broken hearts through the loss of our loved one's, so what ever we reply to each other I know it does help, it does me. Like you say, to just know someone is listening somehow seems to help us.
I'm here at this un-earthly hour of the morning simply because I cannot sleep because of flash backs of 22 months ago when I lost my soul mate Pamela.
It may not mean too much to you Roxy, but it helps me, just like it helps you for someone to be there who knows what you and I, and many more are going through.
Think of you sister as simply being fast asleep dreaming about you all and happy in no pain, looking over you, I do my Pam and it kinda helps.
But the main thing is Roxy, we are here on this forum to help each other, so type what ever you wish to us and we will do the same to you, we are here to help each other in anyway possible.
I so much feel your pain and just hope I've eased it very slightly Roxy...

My thoughts are with you as they are with everyone else in our situation

John.

Thanks for writing in. It does help, doesn't it. I have found this group of people so helpful. I have spoken of the loss of my son, and my wife, but even now I feel a slight pain at the loss of my brother who died when i was three and he was 6. peritonitis, for which there was no cure back in the old days. I can only tell you that if you keep on talking and sharing you will find it gets easier. Every grief is different, but they all hurt and it is far better to share if you can. I'll write again when I catch up with my work correspondence which has mounted up while I've been away. Thanks again for writing.
Love,
Derry

thankyou so much for your responses. it's such a strange topic to talk to people about and to share feelings over but something like this forum just seems such a good thing. i guess i have up and down days. in one of my classes at uni, theres a girl who kinda looks like my sister and is the same age and build etc...and i found myself today just staring at her by accident, as if i was longing for her actually to be my sister. or sometimes i'l think of something i wish i coudl tell her and for a split second i think 'oh i'll just send her a text' and then realise i can't. i guess i feel guilty because as we were growing up, i wasnt the best sister. we argued and fought, as most siblings do! but for the year or two before her accident we were getting on and i was really looking forward to spending our years together. but i never realised that when she was here so i could never tell her. and the last time i saw her she stayed with me for the night at uni and i was in a foul mood because of matters relating to me ex and now i cant believe i let something like that affect me and i feel so guilty. its ridiculous! and i feel guilty now that i used to be such a bad daughter to my mum when i was a younger teenager. i just find everything i can relate to the accident make me feel guilty and i dont know why. i just feel to young to be dealing with this. i wish i was naive and everything was still simple!

phew. like i said before, i dont mind if noone reads this. i guess its my outpour that i just can't tell anyone.

john, you really did make me feel better when i read your reply, even if a little upset! its nice to know people are out there that feel the same and that we can try to help each other. thankyou also, derry. i'm so sorry for everything thats happened to you.

thankyou xxxxx

Don't feel guilty. I think we all do at first, but we shouldn't . We didn't do anything wrong. Neither did the person who died. Every life has its own value, however short. I realised that when our son died. I went mad for a while with grief, but then I realised that his life was just as valuable and worthwhile as mine, even though it was a lot shorter.I also know how you feel when you see someone that looks like the lost person. I did that for months after Gwyn died, and also after Pat died. I mentioned the other day about finding a snippet of Pat's conversation recorded on my mobile phone. Someone said I should find that comforting but actually it is frightening and upsetting and I shall delete it soon , after my daughter has listened to it. It was really strange to hear Pat's voice and to know that I shall never hear that voice again.
anyway, thanks for coming on here. We all help each other, and even though people talk to me as though I was stronger than them, as I am older, and have survived tragedy before, honestly I need the help just as much as anyone else. I know I have found another good lady friend, but she is not Pat and never will be. She knows that, just as In know that I will never replace her husband, but we do help each other , so that's a blessing.
Take care all of you,
Love,
Derry

Dear Roxy,
Welcome to this site where I hope you will find it supportive, as I have done.
I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.
I think a lot of people may feel guilty from time to time over things that they could've done differently, I certainly do.
I gave my parents a fair amount of worry when I was a teenager! I think in my adult life I did as well with my mum, at times! My daughter feels guilty how she was when she was younger, but I have told her not to, and if anything happens to me she mustn't ever worry about that, as that's part of life.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Love to you and everyone.
Louise x

My younger sister died very suddenly almost 3 years ago, aged 24. It was no one's fault, I have no one to be angry with, just left with the trauma of the inital shock and the emotional emptiness of the aftermath. As some time has passed I now realise that the incident itself is only the beginning of a different kind of life, no matter now normally we can sometimes get on with things. One of the things I remember thinking the evening I found out, in my dazed state of shock, was that things will never ever be the same again. The permanence of it all was something I found really hard at first, I had never before lost anyone even vaguely close to me and it was hard to accept that there was no way to go back. One of the main longer-lasting effects I have found is that all the things that normally you think happen to others, not you, whether reasonable or not (plane crashes, car accidents, terminal illnesses...) are now in the realm of the possible, not the impossible. People talk flippantly about these things and I sit quietly panicking that something has happened to my mum, brother, dad. I can't watch films that treat death because for me it is not fiction anymore but reality.
And one of the most painful parts is that childhood memories will now always be sad because my sister is in them and she is no longer here.

From reading this forum it is clear that everyone's experience of bereavement is different. My sister did not provide my stability, it had been about 5 years that we had not lived in the same house, I did not count on her as I do my mother, and yet I assumed she would be there until we grew old. I feel deeply for those of you who have lost a partner and face a future without them. And for anyone who haas lost someone very recently - it does get better, it is possible to feel happiness again, life will be different but that does not have to mean awful.

The messages on this forum seem so heartfelt, I wanted to share some feelings. I find it very dfficult to talk about, it is easy to feel that no one truly understands.

Eleanor