I've had a few ups and downs this week, (don't we all?) but I just thought I'd pass the message along to all of you who are still going through Hell. Things do pass, believe me, and I've had my share. when I look back at some of the horrible events in my life, I realise that they have all gone...the horror of hearing of my son's sudden and unexpected death, the trauma of seeing my bleloved Pat being carried on a stretcher from the Hatfield rail crash, and thinking that she could well be dead, the desperate stress of seeing her waste awy for a period of about 18 months, and finally having to decide that we should discontinue the dialysis in order to relieve her pain, knowing that she would die within days...all these desperately painful things have passed. I still grieve, and feel guilty (mailny becaszue I wasn't with her at the time she died, as I was so tired that I had to leave her and go home for a few hours,), and weep at being alone, as I am doing now, but I know deep down that given time, and help from people like you, even this pain will go back into the past and become manageable. I suppose the same thing is true of the joys we shared for the last fifty years, and perhaps my attitude now is the benefit of having lived a long time and seen so much.
I do hope those of you who are undergoing the agony of recent bereavement will take a little consolation form these few words. Things will get better, I promise, but please keep sharing your feelings with us...it helps me when you do, at least!
Love,
Derry

Hi Derry my friend, so lovely to read your post.
I relate to everything you say.

The longer one's relationship has lasted that to me rings the worst. But on the other hand we hear of couples only being together a few years and still having the devastation we have.
All our individual pains seem to have no levels. No matter how much or how little of what we are suffering, we all speak of it as the ultimate pain and the worst. How can one's worst be any worse than anyone else's I ask? We will never know that will we?
Yourself and Pat, were granted so many wonderful years together, more than many people's life times, just like myself and my Pam. My 23yrs of success together is nothing to your many more years I know. How do we define time? Like I say, we almost can't.
You and I Derry are so lucky in what we've had, but at times are blind to see it, simply because of what we have lost.
I feel half of me isn't here anymore and has gone away with Pam, I know you must feel exactly the same.
When I visit Pam's grave and also my Mum's who we buried 9 months after Pam, I feel I'm also visiting myself, because I feel a part of me is with them. This may all sound so stupid but it is the reality of my world today.

I thank you Derry again for you’re very well explanation of the "all things will pass" quotation. Each and every one of us MUST believe in this theory because it is so true.

Even though we may still have bad days for the rest of our lives, all things will pass, for our hearts to mend somewhat.

I have a question for you Derry; you may want to start a new thread with the subject if you feel it is appropriate.

The question is:

When are we ready to love someone again and to move on, without, as we both know, never ever forgetting our past?
Seems such a simple question doesn't it? And I'm sure that there's almost a different answer for different people, but if you could break it down into some logic I would be so grateful.

Please anyone else who would like to contribute to my question you’re so welcome.

My thoughts are with you Derry, as I share MY tears with YOU my friend.

Sincere Best Wishes

John.

Your questiopn John....When are we ready to love someone again and to move on, without, as we both know, never ever forgetting our past?
Seems such a simple question doesn't it? And I'm sure that there's almost a different answer for different people, but if you could break it down into some logic I would be so grateful

I honestly can't answer your question except to say that I have been blessed so soon, to find someone who can honestly say I do love...nothing like in the way I loved Pat, but Barbara has become incredibly close to me within then last few months. Neither of us planned or expected this, and it is a most unlikely alliance, as she is so much older than me, although she has told me that if I wanted to swap her for two forty year olds, she would quite understand!..I'll stick with my own good fortune in finding someone who has been through as much trauma as me, and has evolved a strategy for dealing with it which is helping me to deal with my pain. Neither of us feel guilty now, though we both had great reservations at first, but we have come to the conclusion that it is no good being unhappy when you have the chance to get a new life, however short it may be for us together. I still have moments of great agpony when I think about Pat, many times every day, but I do know that if she was able to talk to me she would approve of what is happening. She knew Barbara, and liked her, and I feel that I have her backing in this situation.
I don't think it is any good actively looking for someone else (I certainly wasn't) because wrong decisions could be made, so my feellng is that we should all take things as they come, try to get over the shock, and reestablish some sort of "normal" life style...damned hard to be alone after all these years of total togetherness, but we have to accept that there may never be anyone else, or if there is it may be short lived...We are both living every day to the very best, although we make a point of living several days ocf the week apart, so that she doesn't lose the support network she has built up, and I can try to do the same...not easy, as Pat and I were a closed circle, in many ways. Fortunately my daughter has been a great support, and I believe things will get better over the next few years.
If you can make sense of all the above you're a better man than I am Gunga Din!

Thanks you for your kind words, and your friendship. Keep in touch.
Derry

Good to hear you Derry, hope you’re as well as can be.

You have done a damn good job in answering what may seem like the impossible.
I'm pleased that at least you have someone Derry of compatibility, which it so much needs to be that way.
That was my point in another thread somewhere, the understanding of each other, to realize and to know exactly what the widowed have gone through or are going through.
I'm so happy for you my friend in what you have found.
You know what Derry I've thought like this. The time will be right when my Pam sends me another special person to love and care for and share my life with, just like your Pat has done with Barbara. Funny how we think like this isn't it? But it's true for me.
Until that day comes, I will remain to be unhappy.

You say what we've had may never be again.
I agree so much, but my point is that I want what I once had, I mean the happiness that love brought along, the "never to be alone" that I never had, to be content and to almost have a life of taking things for granted with each other because we were rock solid nothing going to move us as our little team.
What hurts me is Pam and myself were extremely close doing most things together, even had our own business and worked 24/7 together and never getting fed up with each other. There's people who can't do that isn't there?
I may never find that again, agreed, and accept that now my life has changed and will change even further. But am waiting for the day for my state of being to live a life of at least some happiness with someone new hopefully.
Also you quote "try to get over the shock, and reestablish some sort of "normal" life style"
So true again.
My thoughts initially when loosing Pam was I had to find a replacement, I was in a state like we all are. I didn't realize the destruction that was going on in my head and I simply wasn't thinking straight.
Nearly 2 years later I have learnt an awful lot, but still don't know if I'm any better off for it at times.
My music has been a tremendous help for me and my expertise in that area has become better. Reason being I'm not just doing it for myself, I go out and play for Pam also and her strength power's me through like you wouldn't believe. The last thing I said to my Pam before she died, I asked her if she wanted me to continue my music, she answered with a nod, saying YES because she couldn't talk bless her.

Thank you for sharing Derry and like many more on here I always like to read your very helpful posts.

Best wishes my friend

John.

Hi all.have just got back from holls bin reading all postings.while i was away i met 2 lovely men who after getting talking i found had terrible tales to tell.one in particular had a son fifteen years of age murdered.after talking to him it put things into perspective.i didnt feel less hurt talking about tony but ifeltmore sorrow for him..icant imagine how it must feel to lose a child.but to have a child chased and mown down must have ripped him apart.it breaks my heart to think of him .the other mans son was killed in an accident and although he was obviously hurting he somehow....well no THEY..somehow kept it together for the sake of eachother..they were great guys and after our heart to hearts we all went on to have a good time...and so it ISgood to talk and theres allways someone hurting as much if not more than you even though it takes a long time to realze it my poor friend ,who went to keep me company cried buckets listening to us rambling on so i think i owe her a holiday to get over this one....anyway glad everyone still here to have a talk to i shed a few more tears reading some of the new postings strange how we all go throuhg the same stages of grief..but it is starting to get easier..and it will for all of us in time.im sure Love to all. Hazelx

Hazel,
Glad to hear you had a good holiday.
I'm going away next week and am looking forward to it because as you may recall I've been stressed with problems, in addition to my mum passing away in May.
Love to you and everyone.
Louise x

HOPE THINGS are looking up for you,yes holidays do you the world of good,and meeting diferent people who all have some kind of sadness or stress in there lives but can still put a smile on there faces when theyr with strangers makes you wonder why we cant be like that on home ground, must be something in the water when were away[lol] Have a great time girl let someone else deal wiyh the probs' you have enough on your plate greaving for your mum and speaking as a mum i know yours would hate to think you where hurting so badly,but i was allso a daughter and know the hurting takes a long time to heal..were allways here for you .Love Hazelx

I have recently just lost my husband and just hearing someone, anyone say that 'it does get better with time' makes the future look a little less bleak - thanks