Hi Guys.

I found this site today after trawling through lots of others, and I hope this is what I need to help me through.

My mum died suddenly on 28th October.

She was 63 years old (not an old 63, a very active 63).

She had been complaing of stomach pains for quite a few weeks, then in September her friend took her to the local hospital and they admitted her.
She eventually rang me to tell me where she was, she didn't ring earlier because she said she didn't want to worry me.
Anyway, they kept her in for a week, gave her lots of scans and tests, then after saying a couple of things it might be, gallstones, bowels etc they decided it was a twist in a kidney pipe. They told us she could have keyhole surgery, but as it wasn't an emergency, they sent her home and told her they would make an appointment for November for the op.

Whe had booked a family holiday for October, but mum didn't want to come as she had already been to Crete with us earlier in the year, and she said she didn't really feel up to flying (she's not a good flyer).
So my step dad, my husband and our 3 kids flew off on holiday on the 16th October. We'd spoken to her and offered to cancel, but she said no, so we each took turns to try and talk her into letting 1 of us cancel and stay with her, but she insisted on us having a holiday. I know it sounds bad, us all flying off and leaving her, but she really wasn't ill, we were just worried about her. The only thing that made me go in the end was her promise that she would ring 999 if she felt 'bad' (she's a stubborn old girl, and dialing 999 is not something she would normally do.)
Anyway, we spoke to her a couple of times a day while we were away, and she said she was fine, not going out much, but feeling ok. On the 22nd we couldn't get in touch with her, we tried all day and I got panicky. I had images of her laying on the floor alone. I phoned my neighbour and she went to check the house, but said she saw nothing out of the ordinary.
I was really worried, but didn't want to let on to my step dad, I think he was feeling the same but didn't want to let on to me.
We were due to fly home early morning on the 23rd. While we were at the airport I managed to get intouch with my mums best friend, she told me my mum was in hospital, but she was ok. I was furious that her friend hadn't seen fit to call is and let us know, but I didn't say anything.
Me and Kev (my step dad) were very relived that she was in safe hands, we just presumed that her stomach pain had got bad again.
Once we had landed and were driving home I got a call from my one of the ladies that works at a centre where my mum was a volunteer, she told me that my mum had had an operation for a burst stomach ulcer, I was so shocked - no ulcer had ever been mentioned. But we were assured she was doing fine.
SO Kev went straight to the hospital, we dropped the kids off and I followed him up.
She was a bit dopey with the morphine, but she was lucid.
The next day when I went to see her (Wednesday) she was almost her old self again.
She was sat in a chair at the side of the bed, and she told me what had happened.
She was in alot of pain on the Sunday, but didn't want to let on to us, but in the end she rang 999 and they took her to hospital, where they scanned her and found the burst ulcer and opperated straight away.
I told her off for not letting us know, chatted about the holiday and stuff and everything was fine, the doctor said she would be home at the weekend.
On the Thursday she was still sitting in the chair, but she had fluid on her chest, so she had an oxygen mask on, but she was happy enough, but I think she was in pain.
On the Friday when I went in she was in bed, totally out of it. The nurse said she was exhausted because they had been lots of tests on her and were worried about her breathing.
I gave her hand a squeeze, spoke to her for a short while, but she wasn't really awake.
On saturday at 1am I got a call to say they were moving her to the ICU. I asked why and they said that her breathing was still quite bad and they wanted to moniter it more closely, I asked if I needed to come and they said no.
I went up on the Saturday and it was a real shock. She was wired up to everything and was semi awake, but seemed very confused.
The nurse says they still didn't know what was wrong with her, but they were keeping a close eye on her.
I sat with her and Kev, the doctor wanted us to leave for a few minutes while she did some tests, but mum got really upset saying don't leave don't leave, up to that point she hadn't really said anything. I assured her we would be right back, but she said 'I'm dying', I said don't be daft, so she pulled at the oxygen mask and said 'I can't breath without this' I tried to tell her that it was only until she was better, she wouldn't need a mask forever, then she drifted off to sleep again.
We came back after the doctor had gone, I told Kev to go as he'd been there all day. I stayed another hour or so. As I was leaving she opened her eyes again and said 'I'm dying' again. I told her that I wanted another 10 years out of her at least yet and then I told her that if she was dying I would tell her, and she knew I would.

On Saturday night I got a call saying that they were taking my mum for a scan and she may go straight to theatre if they found anything, they think she had an obstruction. So I waited an waited and at 11.45pm I called the hospital and they told me she had had the scan, the results were not all back, but she wouldn't be going to theatre - good news I thought.

At 10am on the Sunday Kev turned up and said the doctor wanted to see us.
We went to the hospital, a little confused as to why.
The doctor told us that they had totally sedated mum and they still were not sure what the problem was,
but they think that her bowel was dying, and they may need to remove it, or part of it and put a bag into her stomach. But they wouldn't know the extent of the bowel damage until they opened her up.
We were taken aback! Then she said the words that will haunt me forever:
'She'll do well to make it through the operation'
I couldn't belive it, at no time did anyone give the impression my mum was so ill.
I asked the odds and the doctor said less than 50%.
She went on to explain that my mum wasn't well enough for the op just yet, and they were doing something with her blood (can't quite remember), but hopefully she would be in theatre by 12 noon.

We asked the nurse to ring us when she was going to theatre, so we could decide if we wanted to wait at the hospital or wait at home.

At 2.30 they rang us, asking us to come up.
The doctor (a different one) took us into a room and told us that she was unfit for the operation. She was on max life support and failing fast. He gave her 2 hours to live - even on the support.
I rang my husband, my uncle and Christine, my mums best friend.
At first I couldn't go in to see her, I didn't want to remember her like that, but after about an hour I couldn't bear to think of her alone either, so I went an sat with her.
The nurse told me that there was a chance she could hear me, so I said a few words to her - can't even remember what now
After a couple of hours we asked the doctor if he could turn the support off (I suppose I was half hoping she would open her eyes and make a miracle recovery), she said all they can do is turn the oxygen down to normal (she was on 99) and turn her bp drip off (again - not sure if it was bp drip), so we sat holding her hands and saying out last words and she went peacefully, within minutes.

My mum was my hero - she was everything I could never be, I don't have her patience, her organization skills, her selfless attitude, and now I don't have her.
I always thought she would live forever - well at least another 20 years.

I will continue this with what happened after. But a bit later


Sorry for all that - it's the first time I've actually gone through it all, but I'm hoping this is the place I can do this, because right now I need to get it out.

I must have been in shock after my mum's death, I went into total auto pilot.
My mum and my 3 older brothers had fallen out years ago, and although 2 of them had reconciled with her 3 years earlier at my wedding, that was about it.

My mum had told me on a couple of occasions she didn't want them at her funeral - I said fine, no worries, of course.

I rang my brothers and told them, 1 took it ok, the other 2 took it far worse than I expected.

The eldest of my brothers couldn't understand why he couldn't come, the middle of my brothers was heart broken, but totally understood my postion, the youngest of my brothers didn't really care, which I think is the reaction I was expecting from all of them.

Kev was in bits, my husband was in bits (that's how cool mt mum was, she was even a good mother-in-law!), my brother was in bits, my kids were trying hard to understand the 'gone forever' part. So I just got on with looking after everyone else.
Me and my mum were always close, we worked together for nearly 20 years before she retired, she dotted on her grandkids, they slept over at least once a week, more during holidays. We talked about death and stuff like that, without it being morbid.
She always said - Put me in a cardboard box in the back garden, and spend the money on a good old P up
So, I decided, and Kev agreed, on a woodland burial.
AT 38 years old I have never been to a funeral, nor have I wanted to.
But as my mum loves gardening and she didn't want fuss, I though that was the way to go.
As the end of the first week after her death passed I was feeling quite strong, I had been out for a drink with my brother, although drinking made me feel especially emotional so I cut back on that. The post mortom had been done and the offical cause of death was major organ failure, caused by peritinitus, caused by perforated ulcer (repaired).
I'd had both my brothers on the phone everyday, and in the end I just said if you want to go to the funeral just go, you live with it!
But the more I thought about it the more I realised that my mum wouldn't have made me promise that if she knew how hard it was for me, I also convinced myself that she only wanted to do that to 'get it in first'.
A bit like when you have a boyfriend and you know they are going to break up with you, so you break up with them first.
In the end the middle of my brothers came to the funeral.
------

I'm struggling to get out what I want to say now.
For the past week mum has been on mind almost everyminute - not in a bad way, not in a good way, just there.
I've started to feel angry, no, that's the wrong word, stressed maybe?
I'm not sure.
Now I'm struggling to write at all because I'm starting to think about other people and how I haven't mentioned thier feelings and reactions in all this.
I really wanted this to be about me getting it all off my chest (how selfish is that!), but it always seems to go back to other people in my mind.

Maybe I'll try again later.

This iis the place to be when you are in this situation. Thanks for writing, and I am sure you will find it helpful to let your feelings go here. We all do this, and we all understand what you are going through. Keep on telling us all about your feelings, and I promise you that you will get through it, but it will take time. I haven't time to write more now, but believe me, I am thinking of you, as are all the rest of us on here. Thanks again,
Love,
Derry

Thanks for that

I went to the cemetary again today, as it's a woodland burial it looks a bit stark at the moment, but there were a couple of squirrels running around, which was quite nice.

I also go a call from the hospital. I'd contacted them about finding out why they didn't find the ulcer the first time she went in, so they are looking into it.

It seems to help me feel better if I'm doing something for my mum, once there is nothing left to do I think it's going to be hard.

I'm not looking forward to christmas, me and mum usually make the dinner while the men go to the pub.
I'm sure it's the same for everyone, christmas is a harsh time.