Seasonal greeting to everyone I wish upon you all and hope your doing as well as can be, also a happy New Year when that comes upon us tomorrow too.

I was out working Saturday night in the beautiful town of Matock Derbyshire, which I admire every time I visit, especially in the summer months.
A 76-year-old gentleman I came across and we started talking with so much ease, such a nice character he was.
In no time at all I learned he had lost his wife 10 years ago from MS
I told him of my destruction and our conversation deepened.
I always try and learn from not just older people than myself but the one's that have gone more time than myself with their widowship.
To cut along story short I came away shall I say very baffled, here's why....
He told me in not so many words, (don’t dwell on your past too much) and try not to mention your wife / husband / partner, to certain people too much, or you may just ruin certain situations. Well, I've done nothing but think of this comment from him since in which I have mixed feeling about.
The main thing he was saying is that certain people will only want to hear so much and then they've had enough, which I understand. I know we have to try and press on which I'm trying so hard to do like you all...but to have this frame of mind is almost a statement to forget our past lives.
When eventually us widowed are fortunate enough to, dare I say it, fall in love again, in a very different way from our first time, which won't be impossible, he was telling me, try not to mention too much of your past, simply because our new partners won't want to hear too much. I understand how this works, unless they are both widowers. Oh indeed what problems we have in moving on if this is what we wish. How much more is there to learn I ask? Answer = VERY MUCH
Maybe this isn't the place for me to talk about moving on, although I'm just referring to what the man was advising me to not do.
Food for thought, but such unusual food.

May everyone not be too sad and unhappy I wish...

Best wishes

John.

Your messasge resonated with me, because . as you all know, I have developed a strong relationship with a lovely lady over the few months since Pat died. This was a shock to us both, firstly because she has been widowed for 23 years, and after a couple of unsuccessful attempts, had given up hope of ever getting anyone else into her life, and I certainly hadn't thought of it so soon, as I was (and am) desperately missing all that I have lost.
One thing aobut our relationship is that we both talk freely and constantly about our lost partners. We have no inhibitions about it, and although we both cry (together) frequently, it is very helpful to us both.
I can't imagine not talking about Pat, who was part of my life for over 50 years.
She is still with me in spirit, and I am finding this thought increasingly helpful, and less distressing as the months go by. I mentioned previously about breathing, and I console myself by believing that as I breath, consciously, I am breathing the same air that sustained Pat throughout her life. That way, I don't feel quite as lonely, although by God I do feel terribly lonely, much of the time, particularly in the small hours of the night, which seem to last forever. (Except when I'm with Barbara..we both sleep better together...I can hardly believe this has happened, and I don't even feel guilty.I know Pat would have have wanted me to be happy, and Barbara's husbamnd would have felt the same. We have talked about that in great depth, believe me.)
I had a nice experience last night. I was playing at the Old Swan Hotel in Harrogate, when the new Banqueting Manager passed by. I mentioned to him that hnis first name, Harrison, was the same as Pat's middle name. He did a double take, and then I mentioned that she had died in April. His response was asonishing. He rembered her very well from her having been a regular customer at Cafe Rouge in Harrogate, and said she was one of the few customers who always put a smile on everyhone of the staff's faces. That was her all right! She couldn't help being cheerful and spreading it around. If there is a heaven, it will certainly be wherever Pat is now, so in some ways I can't wait for the day.(Not suicidal, honestly!). He also said that he would do all he could to make sure I got all the wedding gigs that came up there in future, so I guess Pat(who always managed our Agency business) was acting on my behalf again. She always talked with a smile in her voice, and was a brilliant and successful telephone seller.
I don't know if all that answers any of your questions, but it made me feel a whole lot better to write it. Keep on gigging, and keep your eyes open for that special lady. Even if she doesn't appear, you'll enjoy looking.
Love to everyone,
Derry

Hello my good friend Derry whom I feel honored to communicate with because of our similarities. Also a very knowledgeable man you are of many things.
My belief in you I must tell you, is strong in all what you say, reason being, I�m sure because we have almost lived the same past live styles. Firstly what comes to mind is the love we had with those special people, who like you say I'm sure are still living on, not in body but in spirit with us right now.
Secondly our dedicated passion for what we do so well, our music.
I've touched on my subject before in an earlier thread and also had your response Derry, but this time my subject seemed to come around in a slightly in-direct way.
My thinking has always been widowers for one another in a second life, simply because of the direct compatabilities we have.
I'm sure the gentleman whom I met the other night was basing his advice on people who don't really know, in other words, people who aren't like us and only want to know so much.
In life we always hit on with people whom we have things in common with don't we? That�s what makes us get on with each other. I know it's a shame to have our losses of our loved ones in common with each other but we do.
So I will continue my way of thinking of the widowers friendship, if you like.
It all makes sense to me that yes, we will get on peoples nerves with our nature of what we have become if we're not careful as not to ramble too much. But if we want to ramble and talk to someone of our lovely past memories and not be afraid to cry and there be no guilt when crying, and listen so someone else's too and cry together if be, it must be the widowed verses the widowed. This strength must be a powerful one in my book, to understand each other. This strength I'm sure can be the route for the best support there is for us.
I sometimes think Derry that I'm ahead of my time in my thinking. Or, I shouldn't be discussing my subject here and should only be talking of initial bereavement. After saying that, time goes on and we all go through the different phases and we look back to what was once initial don't we?

What a wonderful way of your thinking and mine also...Pat still being there in your business Derry, still being apart and responsible for getting you future work. I believe in this nature so much. When I need help or I'm in a dither or have lost something, I halt and say to my self....now come on Pam, what shall I do? or where is it? It always seems to work out and repair. I know it is her, how can it be anything else. I've never been much of a religious type in my past, but now, my religion is my Pam, there is nothing else.

May every one have as good a night tonight as can be in letting in of the New Year, I will be thinking of you all when singing and playing Old Langs syne at midnight, appearing to be enjoying what I'm doing but have well learned how to act over the years.

Love to you Derry and everyone
John.