My dad had colon cancer which was treated successfully but then he got secondary cancer of the liver, they couldn't operate and tried chemo but just one session of a small dose was too much for him so they didn't do any more. They told him there was nothing more that could be done but he could possibly have five years, I was in complete denial at how ill he was anyway so I clung onto the five year comment, it was such a tremendous shock when he passed in January 2007 from a sudden heart attack. It did hit me initially and naturally the first week up until the funeral went by in a blur, but after three weeks and when I returned to work people acted like nothing had happened and I just stopped grieving.

There are five children in my family but I've been the one to look after mum for the past year, I stayed with her for weeks after we lost dad, I spend time with her every day, have sorted her finances out and take her wherever she needs to go. We spend a lot of time talking about dad, which is good, and it's helping her deal with her own grief.

But I don't feel anything from losing dad. We were very close,I saw him every day and we spent a lot of time together, loved him loads but it's almost been a year and I haven't missed him once, I don't understand why and I can't talk to anyone about it - mum can't seem to see that this is a problem for me and I can't burden her by speaking about it, I don't talk to others because I feel they think I should be over this by now, it was just my dad after all. I just feel like nobody understands and I feel wrong for not missing dad.

Just wanted to post this message because I have to get this out. Am I wrong? I thought I would be devastated when I lost one of my parents but I don't feel that.

Hi Trisha

I thought I would respond to your post simply because of a similarity to what you’re experiencing.
All I can wonder is have you suffered any other dramatic stressful situations before loosing your Dad?
I lost my soul mate Pamela on January 06, then on October 06 the same year lost my Mum. I was and am still heavily grieving for Pam and my Mum's passing almost went straight over the top of my head. I haven't been hurt enough over my Mum like you haven't with your Dad. I miss my Mum but feel not enough like I do Pam.
I feel quite guilty of this as when I visit the cemetery I visit them both only yards away from each other, but make a bee line for Pam's grave and hang out round her more so than my Mum's. I knew my Mum all my 53 years of living and knew my darling Pam 24 years, how can this make sense I ask you? Also I was very close to my Mum and Dad who I lost 10 years ago.
I'm so confused over this like you must be and the deeper I look for answers the further away I seem to get.
I simply put the nature of what I'm experiencing to my hurt for Pam has been an ultimate hurt and nothing else has been able to get close to the destruction it's left me with. Neither is there anything else left to ever hurt me as bad anymore. I would like to think I could recreate another life and be happy and not have this feeling. We often hear people saying, (I don't know what I'd do without him or her, I DO, be like me and many more of us here and live just half a life. I loved and love them both, but if I had only one flower to put on both graves it would be Pam's, ironic I know.
That is my connection with your story Trisha, maybe a different natured one.

Hope your confusion will soon figure and maybe you understand better

Sincerely

John.

I am not surptised by what you say, though you must feel strange. I honestl;y believe that one of the main effects of bereavement, whether sudden, or long drawn out, is shock, and I think that is what you are still suffering. I can't advise you what to do about it, except to take good care of yourself, in case the dam suddenly breaks, and the feelings become overwhelming, having been blocked for so long. Thanks for sharing this with us, and do keep on keeping in touch. Perhaps others may have a more positive answer, but I am sure your true feelings will come out sometime, and you can grieve propersly. Hope this helps. It was well meant , anyway. Take care,
Love,
Derry

Hi no you are not wrong, uncaring or unfeeling.

You will start to feel. Right now you seem strong and numb to it all. It's normal. Don't worry or think you are a bad heartless person.

You will feel it but just remember everyone is reacting differently - there is no right or wrong way.

Just your own. Best wishes