I have had an up and down few days, but last night I had a good thought, which made me feel better and I actually got a good night's sleep as a result. (First time for years!)
I realised that as no one can (or wants to ) live forever, death is as natural as life, and so when someone passes on, it is absolutely natural. I watched Pat in her dying days, and she became very peaceful, and almost happy, as she knew she would soon be out of the pain and humiliation she was enduring for so long. I know I didn't want her to go on suffering, and so in a way I wanted her to die, and in fact, under the influence of the specialist, we agreed to cease the dialysis, knowing that her life would then end fairly quickly. A horrible decision to have to make for the woman in whose company I spent over fifty years.
I also began to think that as we both had separate lives before we met, our lives would now go on apart, in different dimensions or worlds, but nevertheless, still in parallel . I felt that although Pat (in her bodily form) was no longer around in this world, she was certainly somewhere, and by thinking about her I could bring her near to me. I really felt her presence, and felt able to sleep in the certainty that she was OK now, and out of her troubles.
Easy for me to say this, perhaps, because we had a long and happy marriage. Not so easy for those whose loved ones were torn away from them when they were in their prime, and apparently full of life and promise. Newvertheless, it may be that they had done what they came into this world to do, and again, if the memory is there, they are still around.
When Gwyn, my son, died suddenly at 33, I was devasted for a long time, but I realised that he lived more in that short space of time than I had done in my 60 years . Perhaps they have all gone to a better place, and at least they are out of their troubles, as we shall be soon. I expect that is easier to contemplate for someone my age than for someone in their twenties or thirties, but frankly the thought of death doesn't worry me at all now, as either I shall rejoin my loved ones, and they will be in a more perfect state than when I knew them, or I shall just disappear and cease to exist. Don't know for certain, but meanwhile I'm getting on with the life I have, and it is getting better every day.I hope that doesn't sound too smug, becausse I do know how horrible it is in the first stages of grief, but as I constantly say, please keep on living, and it will get better. I know that !
Love to all.
Derry
|