On December 20th, 2007 my dearest dad died suddenly of a heart attack. He died in their loungeroom, where 5 months earlier I had said my wedding vows and he had given me away. He was my best friend and always knew what to say to me, how to make me laugh and smile. He really understood and accepted me for me. I am so tired of feeling so sad... now my life is divided into before and after he died. I try and remember him and all I can see is him lying in the coffin looking yellow and waxy. I just miss him so very much and can't wrap my mind around the idea that he is gone. The hurt I'm carrying around is such a weight that I can't believe people can't see it. I feel guilty that my husband has to come home from work to me who is just a hurricane of emotions. I seem to cry everywhere we go and feel like I should be further on in this process than I am. I am so scared of forgetting what the sound of his voice was like...
I am just so scared of a life without him.
I know I have to keep moving forward as if anything this was a reality check as to how short life can be. My Dad lived life to the full, drank too much, smoked too much... he wouldn't want me to stop living life to the full. Yet the periods of sadness are so intense I just want to disappear. Life seems to be full of 'If I could only.... just one more time' I know he knew how much I loved him but I wish I could tell him just one more time. Everytime I dream of him it is so upsetting that I can't get back to sleep. The night before the funeral I dreamt that I was resting my head on his arm and he was telling me that I was ready for this.

No one can be ready for this...

How right you are, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one (in our case our dads) - I used to get really panicky if I thought of losing one of my parents....never thought it would happen just like it did out of the blue.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it, like you, I see life totally different now, makes you realise doesn't it how everything can change and how the lives of so many can be effected in such a way in a split second.

I haven't dreamt about my dad at all - I'm not sure if I envy you or not, part of me wants to dream of him and part of me knows that I will just hate it when I wake up.

Kaye, it's early days for you still, go easy on yourself, one day at a time....that's all we can do for now.

x x