I made a big mistake this morning. i went back in my diary to see if I could see when Pat and I went away together for the last time. It was awful. I found little notes of trips we had been on, and trips we planned but never made. Tears came in bucketsfull. I was feeling really self pitying, as I know we all do from time to time, but then I saw the note from Anon.,feeling so awful, and I remembered how lucky I was firstly to find this group of kind sympathetic people, and ssecondly to have had the previous experience of devastating bereavment, which I did survive. Still painful to recall but the knowledge that I survived my son's death, helped me to cope with Pat's death. How horrible it was just to see the stark note in my diary "Pat's funeral". I still break down when I think of it, and it almost a year now. i suppose I will get through to April 8th, and then I hope to God it gets a bit better.
What a mixed up guy I am these days. One day I am fine and the next blubbing! Still, I know I have friends here, and that is a terrific help. I hope I help you all as much as you help me, just by being there.
Love to you all,
Derry

Dear Derry,
Many thanks for your post.
It was during this period last year that my mum was ill and I still have the calendar with my mum's hospital appointments, etc and find it so painful when I look at it. Yesterday was the first Mother's Day without her being here and although I went out with my family and had a good time, it wasn't the same for me. I did put on a brave face as I didn't want to spoil the day for my family but felt really "flat" being the only way I can describe it. On Wednesday it will be my birthday and I know I will be thinking of last year when I went out with my mum and my daughter and had a lovely day.
I wish I could be of more support to people on here but at the moment am struggling but wish you all some kind of peace.
Love,
Louise x

Do you sometimes just cry for no reason or for a reason but one thats for something else.
I mean your crying because u lost your keys but really maybe its coz u lost people close?
I seem to cry for everything else but what i should cry for.
Nobody can understand and i'm sorry if it was me that upset you.

Hi anon,
a few months after my sister died I practically had a breakdown - why - not because I was thinking of her, but becasue the washing machine got blocked and flooded all over the kitchen floor, and the person on the "helpline" was rude to me. After that I had a month off work.
Anyway, it is not rocket science that I did not have a month off work because the washing machine broke. But it doesn't matter what makes you cry, just that you cry when you need to for whatever reason, and don't think there is anything wrong with it.
Nobody can understand how you feel because none of us here have exactly the same situation or the same personality, but some people can understand one part, others a different part, and that can help a little to know you are not entirely alone.
keep writing in, we are all reading it
Eleanor