My darling son died last July, he was only 2 and a half and I'm still so numb. His death was so sudden, it only took 4 hours and he was gone. Everyone else has moved on and even though I have recently returned to work I still find myself crying all the time. The bad days out weigh the good ones. I wake up in the morning and just want to die so I can be with him. I'm so fed up of appearing to be holding it together as that is what everyone wants to see. I want to be able to scream and shout and have bad days but instead I find myself putting a fake smile on and 'getting on' with it so that I don't upset other people. I'm fed up of being told how well I'm coping when i know the truth is I'm not. I've never experienced pain like this and I just don't see it ever going. If it does then it means that my life is moving on without my son and then where does that leave me??
Scoring disabled. You must be logged in to score posts.
I felt I must write about this situation, as we too lost our son, at a totally different stage of life, ( I also lost my brother when I was 3 and he was 6) so I have a little idea of how you are feeling, though I would never say "I know how you feel", as we all feel differently in this situation. I don't think anyone who has not undergone this loss can possibly understand the devastation it causes. I lost my wife of 46 years last year and that was horrible bu it was not as savage a pain as when we heard the totally unexpected news of our son's death.
My darling son died last July, he was only 2 and a half and I'm still so numb. His death was so sudden, it only took 4 hours and he was gone. Everyone else has moved on and even though I have recently returned to work I still find myself crying all the time.
I don't think my mother ever totally recovered from my brother's death, (which was just as sudden and unexpected) but she did go on to have a reasonably normal life. It wasn't until my own son had died that I began to understand how much she must have changed as a result of my brother's death.
The bad days out weigh the good ones. I wake up in the morning and just want to die so I can be with him. I'm so fed up of appearing to be holding it together as that is what everyone wants to see. I want to be able to scream and shout
I spent several weeks just going out onto the Stray here in Harrogate and screaming and shouting with grief and anger. I don't do that any more, but the pain is still there under the surface, now replaced by sadness at the fact that my dear wife is no longer here to share the pain.
and have bad days but instead I find myself putting a fake smile on and 'getting on' with it so that I don't upset other people. I'm fed up of being told how well I'm coping when i know the truth is I'm not.
People just don't see, do they? But there are people who do know, like me, and I have to say that I always shared my feelings even with total strangers in any situation I was in, and often found that there was a well of kindness and sympathy which did help a little bit.Don't be frightened and emnbarrassed to do that.
I've never experienced pain like this
All I can say is that you have had the worst that can happen. For while I was involved with "The Compassionate Friends" who support bereaved parents (ask me for the address if you want) and one of my first calls was a family who had lost 3 out of their 5 children. That did make me realise how inadequate I was in trying to help people.
and I just don't see it ever going.
It will reduce over time, I promise you, although it really took me ten years before I could talk about it without choking up, and then it was overtaken my ny wife's last 18 months of despedrate illness, and her death last year.
If it does then it means that my life is moving on without my son and then where does that leave me
My consolation for a long time was believing that every life has a value, no matter how short it was, and in the end we are all headed in the same direction, and maybe we will meet again in a situation called heaven, where our bodily pains and feelings are no more, but we are all one again. Sorry if that sounds a bit pious (I'm no longer religious, perhaps for obvious reasons) but I do hope that that is what will happen, in some way.
Sorry if this is a bit mixed up, but I hope it has helped. Do keep in touch with us all here, as we probably understand far better than those who have not lost a loved one. Write to me direct if you need to.
Love,
Derry
Scoring disabled. You must be logged in to score posts.
Hi,
This is my very first visit to this site or infact any at all.
I too lost my son not long after he was born, his organs were under developed as i had a large tumor which restricted his growth. The guilt i feel for not being able to give life to my son takes hold of me every day and this is the first time i have spoken about it at all.
The fact that my tumor had gone undetected for so long mean't that i could no longer have children and now i feel lost i have so much love to give and no one to share it with.
Your email makes me realise that there isn't just me feeling this way but it's hard to let people know how you feel.
I no i am rambling about the way i feel but this is only time i have ever felt like telling some one the immense guilt and anger i feel and so i apologise for taking over your email and do not wish to seem selfish but i feel i may never get this urge to let out what i'm feeling again!
Scoring disabled. You must be logged in to score posts.
Welcome to this wonderful group of people. I know none of us will understand exactly how you feel, but we know better than most! Please don't feel guilty. Thay's easy to say, and hard to believe, but I know I certainly went through a guilty period, for not having prevented me son's death. He was 33, and had lived a life apart from (in all senses) for many years, but we still felt we should have seen the way he was going and done more to prevent it. I have certainly found that the best way to get through this awful trauma is to tell people about it. I have writeen before that "If you've joy or grief to spare, it's much the wisest thing to share it", and I kinow you have done the right thing by visiting this site. It is a start on the healing process. As a man I obviously can't know the depth of pain that knowing you can never conceive again must produce, but I am sure others on here will empathise totally with that.
Please keep on keeping in touch, and remember thazt , as you are full of love and need to express it, there are others who are in need of that love, and I am certain you will be able to put that love out into the world and help others. That is one way to start overcoming this current feeling of grief and pain. Do let us all know how you are feeling.
OPnce again, wselcome.
Love,
Derry
Scoring disabled. You must be logged in to score posts.
Like yourself when I wrote that message it was my 1st visit to this site. It has taken me this long to be able to return. Again like yourself I felt like I was rambling but if there is a place to be able to go off on one it seems like its here!!!
Guilt has played such a big part in my grief process. I wasn't with my son when he died, I was working away. It had been 3 days since I had last seen him and when I did see him next he was lay in my husbands arms and had been dead for 30 mins. Its something I know I will never be able to forgive myself for. I know he knew how much he was loved, we made sure we told him everyday, but to know I, his mummy, wasn't holding his hand when he left us is something I will have to carry with me fr the rest of my life.
I am so sorry to hear that you can't have anymore children. There really isn't anymore I can say to that. I had been told when I was 18 that I couldn't have children so when my son arrived 10 years later it was a shock to say the least. I have decided not to have any more children, which you may think is extremely selfish, but I worry so much that I would not love another child the way I loved my son, or would compare them too much, and I know I would be too over protective.
I hope contacting this site has helped you. The pain never stops and it doesn't get any easier, despite what people may say, but you do learn to live day to day lfe whilst carrying your grief.
If ever you want a chat let me know and I'll forward you my email address
x
Scoring disabled. You must be logged in to score posts.
Hello again,
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts they do help.
I feel i can't talk to those close to me as they say they understand but they don't, not really.
I know i sound incredibly selfish but i hate the fact that i catch myself looking at baby things and thinking that would be lovely for a baby or nursery then remembering it's only ever going to be for some one elses baby or another child's nursery.
I lost my son when i was young and for the past few years i have felt completly empty. I recently got married which has made me even worse. As a child i dreamt of growing up falling in love getting married having children and then grand children bit of a romantic i know. However now i'm married i don't know what else there is in my life. I worry constantly that one day my husband will realise he will want children and decide to be with some one who can. He has never given me any reason to believe this to be true but when you feel as lost as i do i wonder what i have to offer.
I totally understand you not wanting any more children as i myself don't want another child i just want my son back who even before he was born had consumed my heart and so took it away when i lost him x
Scoring disabled. You must be logged in to score posts.