i'm feel so alone, questioning every thing that i have ever believed in, and feel that people around me can't truely understand the pain in my heart that will not go.

after having twins and 39 weeks pregnant to a man (if i can call him that) who pysically and mentally abused me and my twins i reliased that my children and myself didn't deserve the treatment and decided to leave. aged only 22 years and now having three children life had been quite difficult, i had another relationship that lasted only a couple of years as this was also emotionally abusive. i managed to gather the strength to be a mother and a father to my three children, whilst working and attending college to provide a better life for my children.

i felt i didn't want to be in a relationship as i had been hurt so badly in the past and didn't want to run the risk of my children being hurt again. then nearly four years ago i met a wonderful loving and caring man, and although it took him a while to convince me that he wouldn't hurt me we got together. it was all i had ever dreamed of a perfect partner and father to my children (something they had never had). our lives were perfect, i contiued to better myself gaining a place at university which i started my degree last september. we planned to get married and grow old together.
our lives were shattered last september when he was told he had terminal lung cancer, he tried so bravely to fight this terrilble illness, without ever complaining although he was in constant pain, his main concern was even in his last hour that the children and myself were ok.

we were told that the doctors felt that he wouldn't make it to july when we had arranged to marry and advised to bring it forward to may which the doctors felt was realistic. my partner desperatly wanted us to get married and have the perfect wedding seeing i had never married before.

during febuary of this year my partners health rapaidly deteriated. i knew i would lose him to the illness eventually, but had to hide my saddess as he was in denial right to the end, he couldn't cope with realitiy, it broke his heart if he saw me cry or upset.

on the 22nd of febuary my partner was rushed into hosptail with problems with his breathing, we found out he had puamonia, with the cancer that had now spread through his body he didn't have the streangth left to fight, i stayed with him all friday night watching him fighting for his life crying out in pain, i felt so helpless, i didn't want to lose him but yet it was a nightmare watching him suffer. i feel gulity now but that night i prayed he would just fall asleep to ease his pain.

saturday 23rd febuary at 1.30pm my partners pain was over as he passed away.
we knew that he would die, but wasn't expecting it so soon, we expected to make it to his birthday on the 27th february when he would have been 42 years old, and make easter and our wedding on the second of may, (this friday).

to me everything is still very raw, i know that after many long years i may learn to live with the pain i now hold, but at the moment this gives me little comfort, i want to hear his voice, feel his loving and comforting touch, but i know i can't. i feel like i'm going crazy looking for signs of his presence, that he is watching over us, but theres nothing. because things happened so much quicker than what we expected we didn't get things in order, we didn't say goodbye. even when i went to see him in the chapel of rest i couldn't say goodbye, i just said see you later. i pray that when my time comes that i will be with him again.


i am finding it so hard coping with him not being hear, besides yearning for him just simple things like looking after the children, which are young teenagers now (twins 15, youngest 11) seems so much harder, trying to cope with their teenaged tamptrums.

i wake up every morning after having very little sleep dreading the thought of having to live another day without him, and go to bed every night praying to be by his side.

i know people say with time things will get easier, but to be totally truthful i don't know how i am supposed to piece my life back together and live again, i don't know if i have the strength anymore that i had to care and be strong for my partner when he was here while i watched him die a slow and painful death.

sorry for going on a bit but thank you for listening.

Hi,

I really feel for you. My loss was my dad and he suffered a painful death too and nobody can tell me he didn't - even though I really wish someone could. He was murdered and I have never felt so helpless in all my life. I would never want to feel that way again.

He died on the 21st February. So it's not so many days between your loss. It's a different type of loss - different relationship. I really feel for anyone else that is having to suffer the pain that I now know as grief - so different from the grief of losing a grandad in old age. It's so painful and so many emotions and being traumatised. I don't think I stopped shaking or feeling weak for weeks after it happened.

I'm sure you will feel lost and not know where to start to piece your life together again. It feels impossible and nothing is going to get you through it. I really hope you can start to feel some ease or relief from the pain even if it's just an hour a day or odd times. It's a terrible feeling. I would not wish it on anyone but there are so many that go through loss in different ways.

All I can say is, life does go on even though right now at times I feel so rock bottom and don't feel like I have any fight left in me. It does get better gradually. Do what you feel is right for you. I have spent so long doing what is right for others, doing what is expected of me, being a support to others I feel so bloody pathetic that I can't be there for people all the time. I just can't do it. I have beaten myself up so many times because I was unable to control my feelings but there will be times when I feel low and full of self-pity. I have fear issues still. I am trying my best to get over that. I have had so many emotions and being needy and clingy. I really hope to get through it but I can see that from when it first happened I have got through some really bad times. I have still to get through new life changes and returning to work and the trial etc. For now I just take one day at a time and I make no apology for laughing out loud with friends because it's bloody great to be able to laugh again and to forget even if just for a few minutes at a time. Nobody knows what I feel inside.

Feel everything, don't mask it, cry when you need to, talk when you want or don't talk cos sometimes you do just want to be on your own, do what you feel you need to, whatever gets you through, get all the help you can get.

Take care and try to cling to something positive anything you feel is worth living for or work towards for the future. My mate tells me I need to keep life enjoyments even if it's something small, like a favourite book, song etc.

Do what you feel you need to when you need to.

It does get better - just don't expect it to be up up up - you will feel down at times. Wish you all the best.

Hi Julie,
I'm so sorry about your loss and I know how difficult it is. I lost my husband of 25yrs on 25th July last year. He died from cancer, only 11.5 weeks after the diagnosis. I know it is difficult but it does get easier. Trust me, this man was the love of my life and I miss him so much but time does change things and we get stronger every day. That's the trick! take one day at a time, allow yourself time to grieve and remember. Memories are bittersweet but they're good as well. Take care of yourself, take time out and it is worth considering seeing a counsellor. I will be thinking and praying for you.
Mary.