I am new on this site and have decided to have a look through what others are posting which has given me the courage to post my feelings.
I hadnt seen or spoken to my mum in 18 months due to an argument which wasnt unusual as I have had a childhood of upset due to my mums drinking.
I had a phone call in the early hours 12 weeks ago from the hospital to say mum had had a heart attack and that I should go straight away.Half an hour after I got there,she was gone.She wasnt conscious when I arrived and I sat with my Dad and watched her slip away.
I had to arrange the funeral and then sort out her estate and am now in the process of having the headstone made.I went through every emotion in the book
Despite sorting out all of the practicalities,I was devastated and so guilty for not having swallowed my pride and gone round to see her before it was too late.I did write her letters with Christmas and birthday cards.
I wrote a long letter and put photos in with her when I went to see her in the chapel of rest which I hope and pray would let her realise how very much I loved her and miss her.
I cant believe mum has gone.I dont want to believe I wont see her again.At times I feel total despair and lost.It feels that everyone thinks I am back to normal because everyday life takes over but inside I am so very sad.
My husband is so supportive and I know have my Dad back but my life will never be the same.I just keep thinking about the first 10 happy years of my life when my mum was the most beautiful person in the world and it breaks my heart that she has gone.

It does take courage to post and I want to thank you for sharing this with us. I loved my Mum so much but through a long story and my pride I never saw her for six months before finding out she had died. I cannot tell you the guilt I suffered with and still have in my heart, though it happened 17 years ago. All I can tell you is not to punish yourself because you know that a mothers love is unconditional. If you could talk to her now and tell her just how much you love and miss her, you would take each other in your arms and weep with happiness for the forgiveness.

Just my own belief but I'm sure our mums know just how much we really do care for them.

Please take care.

Dave

(Site owner http://bereavementuk.co.uk

Dave
Thank you for your words of comfort although I did shed a tear or two!!
I have to believe there is something else when we leave this world and so I will be able to talk to her again and hopefully there will be more peace and understanding between us.