Hello to all,

This feels very strange but as these rather long and usually sleepless nights seem to be getting harder rather than easier and I seem to be creating new and different ways NOT to cope with what has happened I thought I had better seek some help.

My head is still spinning from the speed at which this all took place. I travelled to see my Mum who I suspected was not herself a few days after my 31st birthday in February of this year. She was very obviously sick when I arrived and confessed to me that she'd had blood tests and her doctor suspected she may have a problem with her gall bladder. She seemed to get gradually worse over the next 24 hours and I had to take her to hospital the next evening. Two days later we were told it was cancer and 34 days later she was gone.

I know I am not the only young woman who has lost her Mum but this is of little comfort. I loved her so much, she was part of me and and everthing to me and however hard I try to reconcile myself with the fact that she's gone I just don't feel it really sinks in. Some days I can smile but for the most part I am lost and heartbroken. I keep re living the moment she passed over and over in my head. That was the last time I saw her or kissed her or held her hand and it seems inconceivable to me that I will never do so again and I am filled with such rage and regret when I recall all the occasions when I should have held her and didn't.

I am a strong, level headed and logical woman but I cannot see a way through this. I just want her back.

Caroline
I am so sorry for your loss.
Do you have someone close who can listen to how you are feeling?I also lost my mum suddenly in February and have been through every emotion possible.I still find it incredible that she is no longer here and when I visit my Dad in the house I grew up in, I expect her to be sitting in the chair that she always has.
It is essential that you make use of your family and friends and all the support that you are offered.Never think that you are going on about how you feel or how much you miss your mum too much.You need to be able to do this.
Its 12 weeks since I lost my Mum-I hadn't seen or spoken to her for 18 months previously due to many complicated reasons.I have had millions of lost opportunities.
Take some comfort that you had a loving close relationship with your mum and you enjoyed each others love and support.
I believe that our mums are looking down on us and they are free of pain and worry.
She will know you love her and I'm sure she is only a breath away looking out for you
God bless.x

Thank you so much for your kind words. You're right of course, I should be trying to focus on the close relationship and good times we shared but for some reason I cannot seem to stop fretting about every cross word we ever exchanged, I suppose that is quite natural though under the circumstances.

You sound to me like a woman of enormous strength and courage which, given your own circumstances is not easily achieved.

I agree that out Mothers are indeed watching us still and I think once I have fought my way through all this despair and all-consuming grief I might appreciate that more and take comfort from it. As it is now I just have to take things a day at a time, lean on my friends and love ones as you said and pray this will get easier as time moves on. She gave me so much, even in her last days when she was so tired from fighting such a terrible illness she quite deliberately arrnged her affiars so that my brother, myself and my partner could have a new start if we felt we needed to. She was good at so many things but being our Mum is what she was best at and I tell her so all the time. If it's not too personal a question, can I ask if you still talk to your Mum?

Caroline
I go to the cemetery once a week and lay fresh roses and tell her how I'm feeling,how much I miss the fact she is no longer able to talk to me.The choice has now been taken away,I can talk but Mum can no longer choose not to.My mum had many issues which were never addressed.My childhood was unstable and my teenage years were awful but I always adored her and did my utmost to please her.We had a disagreement just before my wedding nearly 2 years and the upshot was she didn't come to the wedding.We never spoke again.I got to her an hour before she passed away so I was with her when she died.
I talk to her everywhere,she is constantly in my thoughts.
You will never get over it,but as I said you let your loved ones support you.Go to the cemetery if that makes you feel closer but believe she is free from pain and wouldnt want you to not live the way she planned for you.x