I lost my beloved precious sister Sheila just seven weeks ago. Neither of us married and we lived together all our lives. She was 77 and I am 64. My mum died when I was 16 and my dad when I was 35 and my brother 6 years later. Sheila and I did everything together - we went on holiday together, did the shopping, went out for lunch three times a week and just sat an watched television or read in the evenings. We just enjoyed each others company and didn't need anyone else. Then last year she got fluid on the lung. They got that cleared up but she never really seemed to get better from it. She was attending hospital and seeing her doctor on a regular basis but they never seemed to get to the bottom of what was wrong with her. She was very breathless and got to the stage of me having to leave her at the doors of the cafes we were going to and then we would have to go straight home. She had no energy to do anything and no one seemed to me to be doing anything about it. Each time I brought her to the hospital they said she was improving but - taking it that doctors know what they are talking about - we believed them. The last time she saw the cardiologist was on the 27th February 2008. He said she was a lot better than when he had last seen her - I couldn't believe this because the last time he had seen her she was able to walk in - now she was in a wheelchair - put her on a new tablet and sent her home. She started the tablets on Thursday 28th February and on Monday 3rd March was so bad I brought her to the doctor who almost had to carry her into his surgery. He sent her straight into hospital - on Wednesday I was told there was no hope - and she passed away on the 14th March. I am heartbroken. There was only the two of us - and I am so desperately lonely without her. I don't want to go on. I have all her tablets which I am keeping as a safeguard in case I find it just to hard. I just want her back. I miss her so, so, so much. I loved her so much.

Dear Audrey, I also lost my sister six days ago - she was 48. Although under completely different circumstances I share your pain in knowing that something was very wrong and no-one seemed to help. It makes it even more devastating than it would otherwise be. I try to take solace from the fact that her misery has been passed to me and I prefer it that way because at least I'm healthy.

I hope gradually you can take comfort little by little and do try to talk, especially to others who've had similar experiences. I spoke with a friend last night whose mother died in the same way as my sister and it's helpful to know that there are people who do understand how you feel.

Best wishes, Ali

Thank you so much for your sympathy. I am really sorry you have lost your sister also. Just a week ago! It is so painful it's hard to imagine how you can carry on living with the pain. I don't know if I can or not. I just have to go one day at a time and get the strength for that day. Thinking into the future hurts too much. Like you I am glad she went first - at least she won't ever have to know the agony I am going through. I loved her too much to wish that on her.

Thank you again

Good wishes to you and if you want to contact me again I would love to hear from you.

Regards

Audrey

Hello Audrey - Thanks for your reply. I too wonder how we are supposed to carry on with such exhausting emotions ever present and that awful realisation each time you waken that it's not just a terrible dream. Maybe like me you look at people going about their daily business wondering how they can after what's happened - irrational but you can't help it.

Do you have anyone to talk to? I know you say you never needed anyone else before but perhaps you could take that step to involve yourself with others. I'm sure it would help. Let me know,

Ali

Hello Audrey - Thanks for your reply. I too wonder how we are supposed to carry on with such exhausting emotions ever present and that awful realisation each time you waken that it's not just a terrible dream. Maybe like me you look at people going about their daily business wondering how they can after what's happened - irrational but you can't help it.

Do you have anyone to talk to? I know you say you never needed anyone else before but perhaps you could take that step to involve yourself with others. I'm sure it would help. Let me know,

Ali

Hi Ali

How are you today? I also look at people carrying on with their normal life and wonder why the world hasn't come to an end for everyone as it has for me. I've lost my mum, dad and brother but this is the worst ever because this is what I had been dreading for the past 13 years in particular - nausea in my throat and tummy every time she had to go to the hospital for scans etc and delight when she was given 6 months or a year before the next one. What was your sisters name? Mine was Sheila. There's a photo of her in the Garden of Tranquillity on this website.

I was given the enclosed by someone who thought it might help me - bit long but lovely and - as much as anything can - it helped a tiny bit.

A letter from heaven - To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say. But first of all to let you know that I've arrived OK. I am writing this from heaven where I dwell with God above - where there's no more tears or sadness, there is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy because I'm out of sight - remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night. That day i had to leave you when life on earth was through God picked me up and hugged me and said "I really welcome you, it's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone - as for your dearest family - they'll be here much later on. I need you here so badly, as part of my big plan. there's so much that we have to do to help our fellow man." The God gave me a list he wished for me to do - and foremost on that list of mine was to watch and care for you. And I will be beside you every day and week and year - and when you're sad I'm standing here to wipe away the tear.

There's a lot more to it and it's beautiful. If you want I can scan it to you or type the rest if you want to know it.

I hope to hear from you and maybe we can help each other.

Regards

Audrey

Hi Audrey,
Thank you for going to all that trouble. They are lovely words - a real comfort and in fact just before logging on I said a few things to Gill (my sister) in the hope that she may be listening.
I've actually been a little less tearful today - maybe because there's so much to be done. I'm lucky that I still have my parents and another sister so we're trying to share things between us. Tomorrow we are visting the undertakers and I still don't know whether to go and look at Gill or not. I think I probably will to say goodbye. The funeral is on Wednesday and I have mixed feelings of dread and hope.
Do take care of yourself, as Sheila would want you to of course and I will try and find her photo now.
Stay in touch, Ali

Hi Ali

Sorry I haven't been in touch earlier - bad couple of days - I'm sure you understand. One thing I would say is try not to worry too much about the funeral on Wednesday. I was absolutely dreading the funeral - was quite convinced I wouldn't get though it and would be crying and making a show of myself but I was amazed at the strength I got from somewhere. I saw myself going through all the motions, kissing the coffin, greeting people and it was as if I was somewhere else watching it on TV or something. A parallel universe - so I will pray for strength for you. You have still family left which is a good thing for you. I wish I had but I have no one now and I feel so bereft. I will send you the rest of the letter from heaven if you would like me too because it is comforting in a heartbreaking way.

Regards

Audrey

Hello Audrey - I'm sorry to hear you've been not been so good. Thanks for your words of encouragement and I am hoping for some comfort after Wednesday so it's good to know you got through it - this waiting period is awful. I am planning to say a poem for my sister so I hope I can manage it.

Please do send me the rest of the piece by e-mail (I don't want you to have to type it out!) as I'm sure it will help to think that they can hear us.
I hope the next few days are better for you.

Take care, Ali

Hi Ali

I know you face your ordeal tomorrow so I just wanted to let you know I will pray for you and your family to find the strength to cope with it. I did and I know you will too.

The rest of the letter is as follows - Do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain - remember there would be no flowers if there wasn't any rain. I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned, but I can't really let you know for you wouldn't understand. But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth's no more - I am closer to you now than I ever was before. When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind, I am walking in your footsteps just half a step behind. And when you feel a gently breeze or the wind upon your face, that's me giving you a great big hug, or just a soft embrace. And when it's time for you to go, from that body to be free, remember that you're not going away, you're coming home to me. And I will always love you from the happy land above. I'll be in touch again with you - PS God sends His love.

I hope this helps you in some small way. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and keep strong for Gill.

Audrey

Thank you so much Audrey. I've just come away from my parents and though no-one said it, none of us wants tomorrow to come. Maybe I'll stop thinking it's a nightmare I can't wake up from and move to another stage - I hope so.

Bye for now, Ali x

I know exactly what you mean. It's like just going through the motions of living - living in a parallel universe. You feel this is all just awful pretend living and that soon you will wake up and everything will be back to normal. Maybe by the time that happens this awful, ghastly agonizing pain will have eased and we'll be able to cope with it a little better. What happened to your sister Ali - I never asked.

By now the awful events of today should be over and now it's just reverting to whatever normal living will be for the unforseeable future. What I am doing is just living from hour to hour - not even day to day. I don't know how I am going to be feeling in an hours time. It does help slightly to put how you feel down on paper as I am doing to you.

I was praying for you today and hope that you managed to get through it OK.

Hope to hear from you

Audrey

Hello Audrey,

You're so kind and I must say how your support has helped me over the last few days. Yes it is all over now which is a kind of relief but it has left a horrible void of "what now?" which I'm sure is what you're still living through.

Gill's husband became very abusive, sadly, after many happy years and eventually did something so awful that he was sent to prison to serve a long sentence. She stayed strong throughout the ordeal but eventually the misery she'd suffered caught up with her and she went into a severe depression. That was about seven years ago and she never recovered. Her health deteriorated as her life became increasingly more reclusive and the fact that we didn't seem to be able to help her was heartbreaking. She was only 48 and should have had so much more. I'm trying to concentrate on the happy years now - she was so intelligent and witty and great to have around.

Thinking of you too - speak soon, Ali x

Hi Ali

How ghastly - I didn't relate you to the heading "how will we get over this" just a couple of headings below mine. I presume that is you.

I was so sorry when you told me what happened. Such a dreadful sad waste of a life and ending far too soon. Life is not fair.

How did you get on yesterday? I hope it wasn't as horrific as you were afraid of. And at least it's over and things are back to as normal as they ever will be for the time being. What is normal? Not this!

I'm glad if I was able to support you at all. I was praying for you and your family a lot yesterday and I hope that you felt the strength you needed. As if it isn't bad enough losing the person you loved most in the world - to have to face a funeral service on top of all that I think is harrowing. It's just a case of trying to go forward now - minute to minute - hour to hour and day to day. I go to bed each night thinking "Thank God - another day over and nearer to getting to Sheila."

Where do you live Ali? Are you in the UK ? I live in Dublin, Ireland.

Keep strong and keep me in your prayers, as I will with you.

Audrey

Hi Audrey,

I live in Merseyside, just across the water from you! Yes it was dreadfully sad yesterday. Her children lit a candle at the end of the service. I've enrolled for bereavement counselling today because I have so many haunting thoughts of my sister's misery and I hope this may help.

In my thoughts as always,
Ali

Dear Ali

How are you now? I hope you are feeling more peaceful. Once the funeral is over and you get back to whatever normal living is - that is very difficult. I am having a very bad day today. I dreamt I was bringing her home from hospital last night and I was so thrilled. I said to her "they told me you wouldn't be coming home and you are" and I was overjoyed. Then I couldn't find where I had parked my car. I searched and searched and then I woke up crying my eyes out. The agony is unbearable. I wish God would take me to be with her. I pray and pray every night not to waken up and am so disappointed when I do. I have contemplated taking all her tablets but I don't suppose that would be the right thing to do either - it would just make it all so much easier for me. It's ghastly.

Regards

Audrey

Hello Audrey,
It was my first day back at work today and initially I just couldn't control myself but it did get better as the day went on.

I'm sorry to hear about your very sad day. It's so cruel that you had a glimmer of hope only for it to be snatched away. When your feeling this low and wishing you weren't here try to think about what Sheila would be saying to you. I'm sure she'd hate to see you so distressed and would want you to try and enjoy your time here. At Gill's funeral, the woman conducting the service said we should take what happened to my sister and make that a reason to live life to the full. Easier said than done I know but I do think she's right. If she could, I know Gill would be telling me to go on that holiday or climb that mountain.
Please don't contemplate anything drastic. You're clearly a very caring, sympathetic person and you've really helped me so maybe you could channel your grief into something more positive local to you. Did you used to go on holidays with Sheila? Perhaps some time away from home might help. Being at work today definitely forced me out of a rut once I'd got over the worst.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you - do keep talking and take care of yourself.
I'll be thinking of you, Ali x

Hi Ali

I am really pleased to hear that I helped you. I don't know how but I am so glad I did. Talking to you helps me too. It's a dreadful place to be! I'm glad going back to work helped you. It probably would have helped me also only I started a new job in December last and Sheila seems to have been ill from I started. She was ill before that but since I started there it just seems to have gone downhill all the time so the place has very bad vibes for me. I only work for three mornings a week and I tried going back but I was in one day and out the next so I decided it wasn't fair on my employer and I resigned. I am still working there for four hours per week but I don't know how long that will go on for. Sheila would hate seeing me like this but, knowing me as well as she did, she wouldn't be surprised. I'm glad it's me and not her that is going through this. This is worse than any illness. I found a 30 second movie clip of her last night that I had taken three years ago - just on a digital camera - and I was so thrilled. I felt as if God had given a little bit of her back to me. I thought that piece of film was long gone. Yes, we did always go on holiday together. We loved going to the Lake district. I don't know what to do this year and I am dreading Christmas already. Hopefully I won't be around for it! How are Gills children coping now? Are things any easier for them? How are your parents coping?

Please write soon.

audrey

Hi Audrey - I'm glad to say that the children (now virtually grown up) started to release some emotion at the funeral but to be honest I think they did most of their grieving years ago.
My parents are busying themselves sorting out the house with the help of the children. I hate leaving them to it but Mum and Dad insisted I return to work to get some normality in my life. Their strength amazes me but I know they have their moments as I do. I expect they try to hide the depth of their hurt from me as parents do.
I understand you're dreading Christmas and I don't know whether you could contemplate it yet but maybe that would be a good time to get away. Perhaps see how you feel nearer the time.

Big hug - speak soon,
Ali x

Hi Ali

How are you now? I hope you are feeling a bit brighter now that the funeral is over. I've had three good days in a row which I am very grateful for. Nothing has happened and nothing has changed - I just feel ever so slightly more positive at the moment. Goodness knows how long it will last, but I am appreciating feeling better. I am dreading Christmas as I said - but it's a long way away and anything could have happened - hopefully I won't be here - that would be my wish but, as I said to a friend, it couldn't be much worse than last Christmas which was horrendous. I don't know if I could go away. I wouldn't have anyone to go with and I don't think I would feel like making merry with anyone. A friend who has 3 small children has invited me down but I think that would be a lot to cope with. As I say it's a long way away so I will take each day as it comes. Have you started your bereavement counselling yet? Will you let me know how that goes? I would be very interested.

I'm starting a lot of new, different things to change my life completely. I've started an "Angel" course and will be starting a second one at the beginning of June. I'm going to do Bridge classes, buy a piano and am going to Ladies Clubs fit to beat the band. Just to make the days go in - you know!

Write soon

Love

Audrey

Hello Audrey,

I'm so pleased your days have been a bit brighter - I hope it continues that way. I'm coping day to day but still have my moments of course. We're going to my sister's house tomorrow to sort out her belongings so I'm not looking forward to that at all.
The counselling service had a 4 week waiting list when I called them so I've probably got another 2 weeks before they contact me but I will let you know how it goes. I am hoping they can do something to relieve me of these awful regrets that I could have done more. At the moment I don't believe anyone can but we'll see. I tend to get upset when I'm alone as I'm sure you do too. I spent hours in the garden today to try and busy myself.
It seems like you're doing all the right things anyway - I really hope this is the start of a new chapter for you.

Let me know how your new ventures go! Best wishes to you,
Ali x

I can't go on. It's unbearable. I'll never get through this. I don't want to. I want to be with her. I wish I could get the courage up to take my own life. I need to be with her.

Audrey

Hi Audrey I know exactly how you feel at the minute as i want to join my Angie and can't live without her and since Saturday night I have missed her so badly and now I feel so guilty that I am still here and she has gone and because I love Angie more than life that is why like you wanting to join your sister I want to join Angie but know if I did something stupid she would be angry with me like your sister would you.

god bless
trevor

Dear Audrey,
I've been thinking about you a lot and hoping things were getting a little easier for you. I assumed as you'd not posted for a while that you were getting on with things and I'm so sorry to find this is not the case. I do know that days can be sometimes better, sometimes worse for no apparent reason and I just hope that you may soon turn another corner.
Thinking of you - you know where I am and all your other friends here,
Ali xxx

Hi Ali

How are you? I haven't posted in a while because I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I have been getting on with things and reasonably enjoying them while I was doing them, but then, coming back to the empty house was horrible. If it wasn't for the dogs I would go off my head.

How are things with you? Are you feeling any better? I often think of you and wonder how you are getting on with things.

I didn't go back to work. I tried but couldn't.

Let me know how things are with you.

I read in a book the other day that "our loved ones never leave us. They are always with us until we, ourselves leave the physical plain and rejoin them in the spirit world." That helped me an awful lot.

Regards

Audrey

Hello Audrey,
It's wonderful to hear from you and thanks for asking about me. I still think about Gill all the time but I seem to be coping a little better of late. I had counselling for 3 weeks (3 sessions) and I think maybe that's why. She pointed out a few things for me to focus on and although I still feel extreme sadness when I think too much the tears don't come quite so readily.
The counsellor told me I would feel guilty about this process and I do but of course Gill will never be forgotten. I still can't listen to music and I don't like going out but I'm trying.
Like you I latch on to the idea that I may see her again one day and that helps - I still talk to her sometimes too!
Bless you Audrey and hang on in there - it has to get better for all of us. Lots of love, Ali xxx

Hi Trevor

It's unbearable, isn't it - the pain. No physical pain could be as bad as this. It's dreadful when I dream about her at night and waken up, having forgotten for a second what has happened, and then having to face it all over again. I'm not working any more. I tried to go back to work but I can't get my head to concentrate so I had to give it up. I make myself do things every day - either on my own or I meet people for lunch - and even though I quite enjoy doing them at the time - all the time there is this awful pain in my gut that never goes away. I pray every night I won't wake up in the morning as I think you do too. I know Sheila would tell me to "catch myself on" and start living again but I don't want to. Nothing means anything now - it's just an empty void. I know your Angie died about two weeks after Sheila so you're almost at the four month mark. Everyone tells me it takes about 6 months before you begin to feel a bit better so I hope they are right. It's 17 weeks today since Sheila left me. Have you had any reasonably good days at all? And are you sleeping? Do you have family and friends around you? I have friends but Sheila was the last of my family.

Thinking of you

Audrey

hi i lost my daughter on the 26thmay2008 she was 22yrs she died in a car crash and i am missing her so much i know how you are feeling try spiritual healing it helps a little bit

Thank you so much for your mail. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. What a ghastly thing to happen. The pain is unbearable, isn't it? No one can say anything to help because we all have to go through the pain in our own way. And no one can do what we really want which is to have our loved ones back with us and things to go on just as normal. Everyone on this site is with you and wants to help you, so come back and talk - it does help a little bit

Regards

Audrey

Hi Audrey,
I seem to be going through the same struggle as you have at the moment. I thought I'd moved to another, slightly less tormented place but I'm back at the beginning now with constant tears and the same thoughts over and over. It feels like the only release will be my own dying day. I'm sorry it's not at all uplifting - usually I try to offer comfort to other people but at the moment I'm selfishly wallowing in misery. Seeing my parents - their lives ruined - all adds to the pain.
I'm seeing the doctor next week after finally admitting to myself that I can't cope. Sitting at work listening to customers complaining about long delivery times, I'm thinking - I wish that was all I had to worry about.
Sorry I'm so negative. I did post a few days ago but it went further up the page and I don't know whether you saw it.
I hope you're ok Audrey and if anyone else reads this I apologise for being so black - hopefully, next time I may have picked myself up a bit.

Take care all, Ali x

Audrey and Ali,

I know what you two are going through and if you have read my previous posts that is the way I feel each and everyday and its almost 4 months now since my Angie left and it has not got any better, the only change is I know that I have to live for my babies(dogs) as my Angie would be very angry with me if I left them like she did so this is whats keeping me going. I have tried to keep away from doctors as the pills they prescribe are sometimes very hard to give up so I use another alternative beer which I use to knock my weekends away.

Ali you do not have to say sorry as we are all feeling black with grief.

trevor

Thank you so much Trevor - yes I read everyone's posts actually and reply if I feel I can empathise in any way. I honestly find the only comfort is talking to people who truly understand and your reply is a great comfort so thanks again.
Best wishes to you, Ali x

Hi Trevor

Thank you so much for your email. I'm sorry you are still hurting so much and I'm just the same. Like you, if it wasn't for my two dogs I don't know what I would have done. And I can't leave them, much as I would like to take the obvious way out. Just remember Angie is with you and getting you through each day without her. I'm sure she misses you every bit as much as you miss her - and she knows what you are going through and will help you. I truly believe that our loved ones are with us and just out of sight. I know it's agony, and I know the pain is appalling, but please God, one day soon it will be a bit easier for us. It is still very early days, even though it seems forever but one day we WILL see them again, and what a reunion that will be.

If you would like to talk I will send you my phone number but until then, just keep going. it's all we can do.

Love

audrey

Ali - I am so sorry you are going through another black time. I read in a magazine that grief is like the tide. It ebbs and you think you are fine and then the tide comes in and swallows you again. It's the most appalling thing to try and struggle through. As you said, the reason I stopped working was because their worries weren't important any more. Who cares about delivery dates etc? It's 19 weeks yesterday since Sheila died and I miss her as much as ever. I have changed all the furniture round in the room we used to sit in, so now I am sitting where she sat. She used to sit at the end of the sofa and after she died I would look at the empty space and just die inside. I did have a visit from her several weeks ago. I dream about her every night but this was totally different. I was in bed at the time, in the state between waking and sleeping, and I thought I came downstairs. I knew immediately someone was in the house because I felt the difference. I called Sheila and she came though from the kitchen into the sitting room. She was wearing a pale blue V necked jumper and her blue jeans. I asked her was she really here and she said she was. She started talking about getting a rug for the sitting room floor. I went over and took a hold of her wrist and said "you're really flesh and blood and you're really here" and she told me of course she was here. I've been told that that was a visit from her rather than a dream and I do believe it was. I can still remember it so clearly and it must be about 8 weeks ago that I had it. Ali, if there is any way that talking to me would help you please feel free to ring me. I will send you my phone number gladly. Just try and remember that our loved ones never leave us. They are with us all the time till we leave our physical bodies and rejoin them in the spirit would. Gill is with you in everything you do. I know Sheila is with me and I talk to her all the time. Just remember I'm here to talk to if you need me. I know your parents are grieving as well, and you probably can't let go yourself when you are with them. but you have to grieve too and I'm here if you need me.

Love

Audrey

Ali - I meant to say this also - please don't ever apologise for feeling bad. You have every right to feel bad. You have been through one of the most awful things that will ever happen to you in your life and of course you feel bad. As I said earlier, Gill will help you through it. But don't feel guilty about feeling sad and weepy. You need to let it out, and you possibly hide it when you are with your parents, but,as I said, you need to grieve also.

Keep going

Love

audrey XXX

Hi I have just gone through a very bad weekend and am now dreading further one's I am missing my Angie and like yesterday just could not get my head round it that she has gone and not coming back I am so tired of all the tears that I have shed, as I have said in previous posts that I want to join my Angie but know she will be angry with me and as well I have resposibilies of my 2 babies(dogs) who rely on me to look after them as they have already lost their mum.

I am just tired of the emptiness of the house and the lonliness that comes with losing a soul-mate and to me life at the minute is only excistance not living.

trevor

Hi Trevor

I have just got through a bad week end too and I am so sorry you are still so low. I have just finished a book called "Angels in my hair" by Lorna Byrne which I found amazing and really did give me a lot of hope. I know you want to join Angie - I have all Sheilas tablets which I won't part from because I am keeping them as a safeguard - but, in my heart of hearts, I know if I was to go down that road Sheila would throw me straight back down again and be very angry with me. The dogs will keep you sane, if nothing else. That is what mine have done. They take away the feeling of walking into an empty house because they are always there to greet you and you can cuddle them and cry into them and they don't mind. Angie is with you. If you could get hold of that book and read it you will realise that. It's her physical presence you miss, as I do, but I know Sheilas spiritual presence is with me all the time. Sometimes I get a whiff of perfume and at the moment the light is going on and off for no apparent reason - and I am sure that it is her. Talk to her as if she was still around you - just because she is out of sight doesn't mean she doesn't exist any more. She is just in a different place and we will be going there too - some day very soon I hope. Have you people to talk too? Do you have family to help you?

Regards

Audrey

Hi Audrey,

Thank you for the reply unfortunayely I am not a book reader so I do not know whether I could get through reading abook, yes your sister like Angie would throw us back down on this hell if we took the easy way out but it is hard not to do as all it for me will take is the tablets I have collected to sort it but I fear my Angie's anger so will think twicw and there is my babies who need me.

I talk to my Angie all the time and I do not sleep with out telling Angie that I miss and love her I even kiss her photo's and casket that are at my bed side, if people walked past the house and heard me speaking to Angie they would think I was nuts and talking to myself but who gives a damn.Unfortunately I do not burden my family with my problems I sort them out myself.

Look after yourself

trevor

Hello Audrey and Trevor,

It sounds like we're all having a rough time at the moment. Things came to a head for me when after being sent home from work in a bad state on Thursday and staying off Friday too, I told my boss yesterday that I was seeing the doctor this morning. His reaction was, "What are you going to do about Friday?".
Somewhat floored by his remark I asked what he meant and his reply was, "Well you had a lot of time off when she died didn't you?".

TWO WEEKS!!! Unbelievable and it just goes to show how people not touched by bereavement don't have a clue about the devastation. The doctor even called my boss an unrepeatable name and signed me off for 2 weeks. I don't expect to feel much better after that but we'll see.

Thanks you two for your support - it does help and I hope you each find a more peaceful time to come.
Bye for now, Ali xxx

Hi Ali,

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time at the minute anyes some bosses do not have an idea about bereavement and deem yourself lucky to get 2 weeks as I was off only 6 days and then back to work and expected to be back up for productivity so now I desise my boss and give him very little support. It has become very hard to attend work everyday but unfortunately I have to to survive.

I know there is not much I can say to ease your mind but me going through the same process as you at the minute know how you feel and all I can do is hold you and Audrey in my thoughts and prayers.

trevor

Hi Trevor

How are you doing today? As Ali says this is the best place to get comfort because everyone understands what you are going through and what it is like to suffer a major bereavement.

Your boss will have to through it one day as well, and has no idea of the dreadful mix of emotions you suffer. Your tummy feels like a washing machine on spin most of the time, eating, sleeping - everything is a major effort.

Thanks for remembering me in your prayers. I need them - I remember you in mine

Love

Audrey

Hi Ali

Is there no way you could take leave of absence from work? I know that is very easy to say but, really, trying to get your head round unimportant things like delivery dates and other stupid mindless things is impossible. I never really went back to my job because I just couldn't concentrate and I had only started in the place last December when Sheila began to really go downhill. I was on crutches just after I started also, so I was out most of December because it was up stairs and I couldn't walk upstairs, I was out a lot in Jan and Feb bringing Sheila to the hospital and of course, March, when she was in the hospital and I was told she wouldn't live, I spent crying in the corridors. When I went back after the funeral they had moved to new premises which are up 44 stairs and no lift. I spent the first few weeks in the boardroom just sobbing so I associate the whole place now with Sheila and hate going into it. I'm now doing about 4 hours a month in it which is more than enough for me. Your boss, Ali, reminds me of Sheilas boss years ago when my Mum died. He told sheila if Mum had died at a more convenient time she could have had more time off. Sheila nearly flattened him. I hope you did too. He obviously hasn't been through a major bereavement - otherwise he would understand that NO length of time is long enough to recover. But he will find out some day. During your 2 weeks off start looking for other things to do. I go up two or three times a week to my local Animal Rescue place and work in the coffee shop or set up databases or ring volunteers - whatever is there to be done. I also do my local Blue Cross Mobile Clinic once a week which is nice too. Just something different. Animals always help.

Just you mind yourself. Talk soon

Love

audrey