I’m not really sure where to start or whether I’ll be able to express this properly or not – but here goes anyway. Apologies if this is a bit long but I have a lot to get off my chest but please read on as there are some questions at the end.

A couple of weeks ago my wife’s mother died. Whilst it wasn’t entirely unexpected (she had been seriously ill for years and had just had a major operation) it still came as a shock.

My wife is devastated particularly as they had a very close bond (this is going to sound like a cliché but the only way I can describe it is that it was that sort of Mother / Daughter love that shone out so brightly that you see it).

Whilst minor in comparison I am also very upset – partly as my mother-in-law was a lovely & loving woman who I liked a lot and partly as my wife is so distressed.

All of this would be hard enough to deal with anyway but my wife’s sister is making the whole situation intolerable.

To give you some background my wife’s older sister always bullied her when they were children and this was tolerated within the family to “keep the peace”. She also always needs to be the centre of attention and is unable to tolerate anyone else even remotely “stealing the limelight”. This situation continued into later life.

Eventually it came to a head 11 years ago when we decided to only invite parents to our wedding – the reason given was we wanted to keep it small but that actual reason being that my wife wanted her wedding day to be about us rather than her sister. We didn’t see or speak to her again until my mother-in-law was dying as she reacted very badly to this.

Over the last two weeks (since we’ve had to see her again) it would appear that normal service has been resumed as we tried to help plan the funeral and help my disabled father-in-law to cope.

I could probably write a novel on what has happened but to give you a flavour of the last two weeks:
• She’s bullied my wife and treated her like she doesn’t exist
• She appears to be “stealing” my wife’s memories of her mum and making them her own (i.e. my wife will remember something then later on she’ll replay it back to someone else as her memory)
• She started to make out that my mother-in-law loved her most and didn’t care for my wife (even though this clearly wasn’t true).
• Every time we arranged something to do with the arrangements of the funeral she’d rearrange it for when we couldn’t be there.
• She’s moved in lock, stock & barrel with my father-in-law and now appears to be running his life (despite him having been his wife’s carer for years so more than capable).
• The funeral itself was awful – she just took over and was spinning all sorts of nonsense to anyone who’d listen.
• The funeral director asked if we’d been happy with the funeral as my sister-in-law had told him we were “really unhappy with all of the arrangements” despite the fact we were really pleased with all that was happening.

My wife and I had already agreed to bite our tongues so as not to cause an argument but it finally exploded the day after the funeral.

Basically we decided that it would be better if we went home before we lost our tempers. My wife waited until her sister was getting showered and was explaining to my father-in-law why we were going to leave.

At this point my sister-in-law burst in (having crept back downstairs to listen at the door) and started accusing us of all sorts of things (like abandoning her to organise all of the funeral and then hating it all, not caring for my father-in-law as we hadn’t moved in for the last 2 weeks, that my wife had borne a grudge against her for years, etc).

At this point my wife finally snapped and launched into her (and to be fair so did I as I wasn’t happy to see her treated that way) – a fairly recriminatory argument then ensued with my sister-in-law finally storming out of the house.

Since then my wife has been racked with guilt and anguish about this having happened, about having upset her father, about not having kept the peace, about not having been able to grieve for her mother properly.

Quite frankly I’m at a loss as to quite what to do to help. I’m not even sure I can help.

Clearly we are going to have to see my sister-in-law again and chances are it will be unpleasant but how can I protect my wife? Should I? (My gut reaction is to verbally flay my sister-in-law but I know that won’t help and I’m sure she’s grieving too in her own way).

Also what can I do to help my wife grieve other than being there for her and offering unconditional love?

Help! My in-laws sort of are and aren’t my family. My instinct is to put my wife first but they are her family.

....I've just reread this and I realise this is a bit of a rant.

Apologies if it isn't in keeping with the rest of the forum - I hope I haven't offended anyone.

I just really don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry to read your post. I lost my husband just before Christmas, so I feel for your wife whose lost her Mum. I could be wrong but it seems that your sister-in-law has become a very selfish spoilt individual because no-one has had the courage to put her in her place. Every member of a family (for whatever reason) can collude in bringing this situation about. Sadly these smouldering volcanos always erupt one day, its only a matter of time or opportunity.

Your wife need NOT feel guilt about causing additional pain to her father at this time. Your wife is in pain too. Your sister-in-law needs to be brought down a peg or two and be told how selfish and unreasonable she is. We can't turn back time, but ideally her parents needed to have dealt with this when she was young. But anyway, your wife is NOT the problem. She has suffered enough. I would tell her she has not been the one to hurt her father more, it's her sister who is doing that now. Her sister is not a child or blind. She has a brain in her head. She must be able to see how manipulative and controlling she is. Sadly people who have got away with behaviour like this for so long rarely change. I would keep your wife away from her sister as much as possible. If you can't change a situation, walk away from it and have some peace.

Yes, your sister-in-law is grieving too but again that gives her no right to be a liar, to be cruel and unkind, or however else she's behaving. It seems your father-in-law is sadly condoning her behaviour again by allowing her to take charge of his life now his wife is gone. I would make arrangements as and when you can to see him but ONLY if your sister-in-law is not there. Explain that to your father-in-law. Tell him as your wife's protector you must insist on this because you don't want your wife having a nervous breakdown with the additional stress her sister puts on her.

You don't have to do too much for your wife other than be there for her, listen to her fears and be on her side as she has obviously felt left out and very much alone for many of her earlier years. I for one loved my husband so much for being my protector. He always spoke out for me when needed and sometimes in a way I just could not do. He was strong for me and even though in my life I often just wanted to keep the peace with my sister or my father, my husband spoke to me objectively and if I could not handle them he did. It's been so hard but he changed me into a stronger person. He stood his ground. He was a man of integrity and loved and admired. I miss him so much words cannot convey just how much, let alone my sadness. (I had gone out shopping only to get a phonecall my husband had died suddenly of a heart attack, in the shower. I'd kissed him as I left home, waved and looked forward to showing him the things I would have bought. Instead I came home and it felt like my husband had vanished off the face of the earth. He was already at the mortuary - his son had found him). How do we carry on? I don't have any simple answer. We all suffer in our own way and I for one just pray each day I'll feel a lot more like getting out of bed than the day before. It's so so hard!

I found this site tonight as I was particularly tearful and lonely. In a curious way reading other people's stories about their bereavements has distracted me enough to feel calmer now. So that's a good thing.

I wish you and your wife peace. Just preserve your sanity by keeping away from anyone or anything who disrupts that peace. The only real loser in this case is your sister-in-law. I pity her, she must be a very unhappy and lonely person. Shame some people can't see the error of their ways. Marina xxx

Dear Bob - I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time and it seems crazy that such discord could occur at a time like this. However, I'm sure you're not alone in this situation as emotions are so raw and things which have stayed under the surface for so long do finally erupt.
If your sister-in-law is not approachable for any constructive discussion, maybe you or your wife could let her know how you feel by letter. That way there can be no argument and hopefully she may have time to think about your point of view. If she reacts badly then at least you did all you could to settle matters and you shouldn't then feel guilty.
I hope things get better for you both but if not just concentrate on your wife as the grief alone is hard enough to bear.
Wishing you luck x

Marina, Ali - thank you for your kinds words and thank you for taking the time to write them despite all of your own difficulties.

It's now nearly 4 weeks since the funeral and the big row. It appears that (despite me having always thought it was a cliche) time really is a healer.

We've settled back into how it was before - basically we don't see my sister-in-law.

Whilst my father-in-law has found this a little difficult (they are both his daughters and his only family) he has also come to accept that is it possibly better that way.

This distance has helped my wife greatly as it has given her the time and space to start grieving properly.

Yes there has been anger & frustration, pain & tears but equally I've started to see the odd smile of fond rememberance as she remembers some of the good times with her mum.

It also turns out that in her teens and twenties my wife was a diary writer and it turns out she had kept them all in the loft. These have been a great comfort to her as she has a lot of memories of her mum in there and it's reminded her of better times. Ironically there is also a lot of mention of her sister and how awful she's been in the past - this has turned out to be a comfort too! It's told her that it wasn't something she'd done now but just the status quo.

Marina - it broke my heart to read about your loss. It made me realise how lost I'd be without my wife. I can only hope you have other loved ones who are gathered around you giving their support. Please accept a virtual hug from me.

Hi Bob - I'm glad to hear that the situation has settled somewhat. You certainly don't need any extra stress at this time. Your wife I hope is getting a little better now day by day. It's such a slow process we don't really see or feel it happening but I'm sure it is.

Best wishes to you both - thinking of you, Ali

Bob,
I feel for you. My wife passed away 11 days ago, she had been ill for a number of years but not related to her death. Her dad died last August and their bond too was one that was special. She slowly declined and didn't look after herself. Her siblings I feel felt that she didn't pull her weight in looking after the parents and cut her out of discussions which hurt her. She forgave them and wanted me to do the same but I cannot bring myself to forgive them and feel guilty of not doing enough for my wife and for not being able to forgive her sisters.
I know the rationality of grief and that eventuality we will all feel more at ease. But isn't it amazing that emotions, love and grief can be so totally overwhelming and over power any rationality.
Good luck to all those struggling through grief
Boris