Hi I am new here.

My name is Dave, from Berkshire, Southern England U.K.

I am 58, a husband, and dad to a 27 year old daughter and a 25 year old son.



That 25 year old son, died two weeks ago yesterday, suddenly, in a road traffic accident, where he was hit by a van from behind. The driver is on bail until August.

I don't know if we are allowed to explain circumstances on here, but I will anyway and let moderators remove if necessary.

He and I along with about 10 others were on our regular Thursday evening cycle training ride, as members of the local cycling club.

I had taken a different route to my son, got home to find he was not there. After 3 hours of increasingly urgent phone calls, I was told that a police officer was coming to see me. I knew what this meant. My wife and daughter had just spent their first day of a long awaited mother and daughter holiday on a greek island. I, alone in my house, at midnight, had to break the news to them, in the middle of their night, then go with the police to identify my son. On arrving back home at about 2 in the morning, I spent the remaining night hours texting and emailing what had happened,in a total dream.

His funeral is this Monday.

Until this happened, we as a family had never had to deal with anything like this. We are numb, we do not know what to think, how to feel, how to handle this, we need support, we feel as if we have died with him.

Please pray for us. We want to get over this somehow but don't know how to.

Every photo I see just reminds me that he is not here anymore.

Dave.

Dear Dave,
My heart goes out to you and your family. It is only a couple of months since we were at that awful, raw, tormenting place and I know that it is worse than anyone can imagine unless it has happened to them. You do feel as if you will not be able to live anymore and every waking moment is hell. All I can say is that 10 weeks on, although we are still immensely sad, the intensity of the pain is subsiding little by little and daily life is becoming more bearable albeit very slowly.
I can not imagine how you and my father must feel - as a sister it is bad enough but you will survive this for your son. It is what he would want for you all and that is what I try to focus on. Early days for you I know but I did have counselling and it helped.
I'll be thinking of you over the weekend and Monday - it's so hard but time really will help you.
Ali x

Dear Ali,

Thank you for your kind words. Following our loss, we are now acutely aware of the pain involved and we feel for you too along with your family, for your loss.

We were a family of 4, myself, my wife and my daughter, who is so sad that she has lost her only sibling.

My son's funeral was extremely moving and emotional. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts on that day. Now I suppose we are entering a next phase of mourning.

You will be only too familiar with all of these stages, we are new to it. We do know that we all mourn for him differently, sometimes as if we are the only ones bereaved, and that in itself can cause problems. We are experiencing such a complicated blend of emotions, we don't always know exactly how we are feeling and do wonder how each day will go.


We really do seek solace from those who are in more advanced stages of mourning, and who can report that they are slowly moving towards coming to terms with it all.

It's like a double edged sword though, I want to feel better, but I worry that by feeling better, I may in some way lay my loved ones memory to rest that little bit more and I never want to do that. So that's something I need to get an answer for.

One of the first things I did was to lie in his bed and start to read his books.

I am still reliving that terrible night, alone in the house, the fading light and still no thump of the door, hearing the neighbour's door, and hoping it was ours, then the police visit. I cannot help it. I do feel it may gradually fade, although through respect and love for him I don't really want it to, no matter how much it hurts me. So, a lot of working through to do. Only 3 and a half weeks, I suppose as you say, it's early days and it is still very raw.


Thanks again Ali, and I'd love for you if possible to let me know how you continue to come to terms with everything.

Best wishes,


Dave x

Hi Dave

I am so sorry for you and for your wife and daughter. I know that there is absolutely nothing anyone can say that will make your loss any more bearable. Nothing can help and I know, only too well, the state of numbness you are in. My darling sister died 19 weeks ago - we lived together and there was only the two of us. I know what it is like, being on your own and being told there is no hope. It is beyond pain! What a hideous shock for your wife and daughter, not being here at the time.

My prayers and thoughts are with you. And God and your son will give you the unbelieveable strength you will receive to get through the funeral.

God bless you. We are all here for you, and we are all the the same deep black hole.

Regards

Audrey

dave its 14 months on for me since i lost my oldest son,i too have never delt with anything like this before,i dont have very much support from family an friends as they now seem to avoid the subject of fear they may upset me,it upsets me more that they do this to be honest.iv found through the last months that everything seems like a dream that i will eventually wake up from.people always say times a healer i dnt know if thats true.please try to have as much support from your family an friends as you all can the tiredness,confusion an terrible grief can make you forget all sorts of important things,nothing at this sad time can prepare us for the pain an confusion this sudden loss can cause.loving an healing thoughts are with you all tracy x.

Hi Audrey,Tracy,

Thank you.

I am so sorry you are also in pain, I hope it does get easier for you with time as we hope it will for us too.

It's comforting to be able to identify with others, it's like sharing a sort of comradehip, but it's so saddening because, I also think, there goes another person in pain and grief.

I wish we could all gather in a room to hug and comfort one another, become friends and see some good come out of our tragedies. Obviously not all of that is possible. But we can still become united by our common experiences, offer comfort whenever we can, and accept it when given.

So I shall try to do all of that, and visit here whenever I can.

I send my most sincere and heartfelt best wishes.

Dave x

Hi Dave

It would be wonderful if you could all meet up and share each others grief. I'm so glad you got through the funeral OK. Now it's just back to normal living, only you know it will never be normal again. I've lost my mother, my father, my brother and now my beloved sister and this one was the worst of all. But I do know that as time goes on you come to acceptance of it. I will never stop missing my darling sister, but I am becoming horribly used to living in the house on my own. Sometimes the pain just overtakes me and the tears flow, but it's OK to cry and you just have to do whatever you can to help YOU cope with it. Everyone has their own way of coping - that's a think I have found out - and there's no right or wrong way. That night must have been like being in hell for you. But it's behind you now and nothing you ever have to go through again will be as bad as that, please God. I know nothing can hurt me anymore because the worst thing of all has happened. Our loved ones don#t leave us - they are always with us till we leave here and rejoin them in the spirit world. Your son is still around. You will find that as time goes on.

Just remember we are all here to help each other

Regards

Audrey

I have not read messages on here for a while, but I had to reply to you on this issue. We lost our son over twelve years ago, and while I would never say I know how you feel, I have a pretty fair idea. Like you, we were devastated, and the shock seemed to last for ages, All I can say to you now is that time will help. It took us ten years before we could really discuss it without bringing on dreadful feelings, but I can honestly say that you will survive this, particulaly if you continue to share, Not only to share with us here, but to share with anyone who will listen, Strangers were often more comfort to us than relatives and friends who just couldn't cope with it, and often didn't come to our rescue as we hoped.
Sadly, my wife died last year and now I am grieving for her, but the experience of our son's death has helped me to cope with that, although the circumstances were totally different.
I have no answer as to why these young deaths occur (our son died in his sleep at the age of 33, with no warning signs whatsoever, which was about as devastating a thing to happen as we could imagine) I did become a contact for The Compassionate Friends (a support group for bereaved parents, for a while but gave up after two or three years) Maybe you could get help from them, They are based in Bristol and I can give you the address if you like.
Keep on keeping on and I promise it will get better in time, but it will be a hard road.
Love, Derry

Hi Dave and Family,

I hope you are coping with your loss as terribly difficult as it is. The emotional thing is very strange - at times you're weeping buckets then on other days there are no tears despite the sadness. You never know what each day will bring but Audrey was so right when she told me that grief is like the tide ebbing and flowing. I have recently suffered a setback and been signed off work because I'm not coping too well. I don't want to scare you but I think it is normal to have a delayed crash so if it happens to you at least you won't be surprised.

I totally understand what you're saying about wishing you could feel better but at the same time not wanting to push the memory away as if you're forgetting your son. It's a constant battle but I try to tell myself, "Are you really ever going to forget her?". The answer is of course not so we should both realise this though it is hard.

As far as coping day to day goes I can not enjoy the things I used to just yet. I've always loved dancing and went to class every week but I just can't - it seems so wrong, almost betraying and I still can't listen to music either. I've thrown myself into doing the garden instead though my mind rarely wanders from the same haunting thoughts, I find the physical exercise does help and I tell myself I'm doing it for her.

I can not begin to put myself in your place but I can relate to your daughter's position more. I hope she's "ok". Different people say different things about time healing. Some promise that life will get better others say you never properly heal but you learn to live with it. Me personally, I feel that I don't have the right to enjoy life anymore after what my sister endured - she was a lovely person and deserved none of what she was dealt but rationally speaking can it feel like this forever?

Keep in touch Dave - I've found more comfort on here than anywhere,
Ali xxx

Hi Ali

Me again

I agree that with you that I have found more comfort on this site than going to grief counsellors or doctors. It's so easy to put everything down on paper and know that everyone else understands and doesn't think you're a complete flake. That tide ebbing and flowing is the best description yet. Sunday before last I was really enjoying Midsomer Murders and half an hour before the end, for no reason, I was sobbing my heart out. Had to go in and lie on Sheilas bed and was begging her to come back just for a minute even. This Sunday in Church was great, and then all of a sudden off again. You just don't know when it's going to hit you. But don't feel guilty about doing things that you loved. Like your dancing. Would Gill want you to stop doing it? I don't think so. I have done so many different things since Sheila died, and I would like to think she would be proud of me for getting through each day. (Today is the 150th day.) Even went to see "Mamma Mia" on my own last Wednesday. Just do whatever you have to do to get you through the day. It's all you can do. And Gill wouldn't grudge you any of it, anymore than Sheila would.

Love

Audrey