I loved my life and appreciated the wonderful family i had, we had our ups and lots of downs, but we always had eachother. I loved my dad more than i thought was normal for a young girl, i worried constantly about him and the thought of ever losing him caused me much distress throughout my life. He had lots of stresses and worries and i so wanted a better life for him, he meant everything to me. So when my sister had his first grandchild 12 months ago today i thought this might be the breakthrough i had always hoped for. And after a few weeks my dad appeared less stressed and generally appeared to be happier, seeing my dad smile was so important to me that i would write it in my diary!

My niece was 6 weeks old and for the first time in my (young) adult life i felt that he would be ok, i stopped worrying about him, and he started commenting that he was happy.

On the 3rd of sept 07 me, my mum and dad joked in the kitchen about my eating habbits and everything just felt perfect, i then went to my room sat on my bed and watched tv, 5 minutes later i heard a commotion and i looked out of my window to see my wonderful dad being given cpr by a neighbour, i flew down the stairs onto the driveway where i watched paramedics trying to revive him and shocking him at least ten times. He had been incontinent on the driveway and i just new that he would not make it.

He suffered a fatal heart attack, completely unexpected and sudden, they did get his heart beating but only for long enough for us all to be sat my his bed side watching him die, he had lots of involuntary body movements and he choked alot in the last few moments.

Watching my beautiful dad die in front of my eyes was undescribeable, he had meant the world to me, and right then and there on our driveway my whole life was changed in a matter of seconds.

This happened nearly 11 months ago, which i will add feels like yesterday, i have tried to avoid and go about life, i have not talked to people and i have generally just tried not to grieve, i think much of this is down to the intense shock i went into and have been in ever since.

The importance of my message is this- do not try not to grieve, you must talk, i must talk, i need support, we all need support. Some people are rubbish at supporting us through this, try not to waste precious energy being upset about that because you need you energy for you! I have been in a terrible state for the past 5 weeks,and before that, i have walked into the wall of grief and it wont get out of my way, i am suffereing terrible physical symptoms of grief as well as emotional, i am now unable to avoid grieving!

Ten/eleven months in terms of a huge loss is no time at all, i would give anything to be back on the driveway watching it happen, because at least then people didnt treat me like i have to be normal, i am not the same person anymore.

I am posting on here because i am at rock bottom, i want the world to know i hurt, i want people to acknowledge what i have lost. I finally admit i cant go it alone.

I have read many of the postings on here, my heart goes out to each and every one of you, it is beyond horrible what we are going through, noone should have to endure this, at least not alone.

After trying for ten months and not succeeding, i now know that talking and sharing is probably the only way. I cannot even look at a picture of my dad, it affects every waking and sleeping moment of my life, if i can even call it life at the moment.

Sorry this is long, but its taken a long time for me to open up!

Thanks Hayley.

Hi Hayley

Firstly thanks so much for your reply i'm so so sorry to hear of your dad and how traumatic way in which you lost him and i am so glad that you are opening up it really is important to talk but most importantly to talk to someone who understands! Believe me i do!
I think that at some point the body and the mind can only take so much and you have been so brave to struggle on for the last 11 months!!
Everybody reacts to losing someone in a different way and sometimes i think that's the difficult thing with grief trying to accept everyone reacts differently, the world still going on around you everyone doing normal things when your feeling like your world has come to an end sound familiar??
It may be 11 months down the line but the important thing is is that you are opening up and now that you are keep talking don't be afraid there are other people who do understand how you feel and what your going through.
Shock is a funny thing it's amazing I think how much it can effect your whole being I don't think anyone can describe the aches and pains and the hurt of the whole body until they have felt it themselves.
I don't think people understand your right how can they this is your dad your talking about the most precious man in your life it's easy for some they can move on but you've got this gap in your life that no one can fill how can they possible understand that, things like this really let you know who you can rely on and no matter how painful that is remember you are not alone.
I must say when I first lost my dad I didn't cry for three days and it was awful cause I really wanted to and tried to make myself but it just wouldn't come but then it just hit me all of a sudden after the first initial cry I went straight back to work became this strong person I didn't even know I was I think a lot of it was to do with trying to support my mum and trying to stay strong for her but then once the funeral was over I felt so drained all over like you said and that was it I was a wreck! I've had panic attacks been really anxious about so much and the aches and pains I can relate to them, I have a really good doctor who has given me so much time and support I'm really lucky cause I do know that there not all like this. I am back at work and for me this has helped but then I also work with really supportive people but it's also helped me to focus on something else but then you do get the guilt that god it's been ten minutes since I've thought of dad and sometimes a thought will just be too much!! I also worry about people getting fed up oh she's off again sort of thing but why are we giving ourselves such a hard time this is our dads our hero's!!
How your feeling is right for you it's how you need to grieve your dad and it's OK to grieve that wall won't go anywhere it's stuck there you have to acknowledge your feelings which is what your doing now your talking and that's great.
Hayley I hope that this is of some small comfort to you and please please please keep talking it's so important now you've opened that door don't close it, I'm here I understand and hope we can support each other you are not alone!

Take Care Speak Soon

Hugs Carly x