Hi Everyone

I have just found this site, like many other people it seems, by searching for answers on the internet.I find myself seeking the advice and support of others who may know how I am feeling right now, people I have never met, as I find I have nobody in my life I can turn to and say how much the pain is hurting inside as I write this message.

My Mum passed away 5 months ago last Friday, she died suddenly 6 weeks after her diagnosis with lung cancer. I thought I was doing so well, starting to get on with my life again, trying to make Mum proud, but I suddenly feel like the grieving process has started all over again. I haven't been able to stop crying over the last two weeks, all I can think about is Mum and I just can't see how time is supposed to heal the loss of a very much loved Mother. I have no family of my own and I am trying hard to look out for my Dad and be there for him and this has meant trying to be strong and not fall apart in front of him. I have older siblings, but they have families of their own and I can't really talk to either of them about how I feel, I know they do, but it almost seems like they don't care about losing Mum or about how Dad and I are doing anymore and that really hurts. I have friends, but it is really difficult to talk to them as most have not been through the same loss and as someone else on this forum said, it's not until somebody close to you dies that you can ever know how it feels, not really. This has led to a feeling of loneliness for me that I have never felt before and I don't like the feeling, will it go in time?

I know that Mum would not want me to feel as low as I do right now and she would want me to be happy and have the best life I possibly can, but I can't get over this feeling of having a huge chunk of me missing and I don't know where to turn to get it fixed, if it ever could be. By now everyone expects you to be 'over it' but how does that happen when everything is a reminder....photo's, special dates, memorials, memories? I just have so many thing's I want to tell her, ask her and talk to her about and even though I know she is always with me, it's not the same as having her here with me to give me a hug and take the hurt away. I too dread christmas this year, especially as it is Mum's birthday in December, which is also the same day we first discovered the cancer.

This is the first time I have ever really started to say how I am feeling and it does help to put it into words and share my thoughts with others who feel the same pain and understand what loss really means.

Take Care and thank you for being there,
Alisonx

The answer to your question is yes.I do know from experience, as apart from the natural and normal deaths of my parents, which was very distressing, we suffered the sudden death of our son at the age of 33. that was 12 years ago, and I can honestly say that although we were utterly devastated, almost beyond description, we did find that time eased the pain. My wife died last year and again I was broken hearted, . Her death was slow and painful, totally differednt from our son's death, and even though it was expected, it was a dreadful shock. I read all these letters and the common factor seems to be shock. It is possible to recover from this, if you recognise what is happening, and particular if you do what you have started to do, that is to share, and share and share the pain. I believe that we should share both pain and joy, and this forum is a good place for that. Strangers can often be a greater comfort that friends or relatives, who often cannot find the right words, and back away from helping you, but strangers who have had experience can help you. Don't be afraid to talk about it.
I am now having another trial, as the lady with whom I became friendly after my wife died,(also a widow) has just been diagnosed with cancer, and we are waiting for the results of a scan to see what has to be done. That was a dreadful reminder of how lonely I was after Pat died, but I have gradually learned that life can go despite all these trials and tribulations.
Please keep on sharing with us, and anyone else you come into contact with. Time will heal, I promise!
Love,
Derry

Dear Alison

Firstly i would just like to so how sorry i am for you on the lose of your mum i lost my dad four months ago to lung cancer too, we didn't even know he had it until after he died but he had been very poorly although not poorly enough to die or so we thought.

I can really relate to the way that you are feeling when my dad first died i took along time for my greif to surface but when it did it knocked me for six i know i don't need to describe the pain to you i'm sure you have felt the same about your mum.

I took three week to get back on track i sufferd really bad reactive anxiety kept having panic attactks and had no control over my emotions.

That was three months ago and up until Sat i was doing OK or so i thought, i was taken ill Sat and the doctor said i had a UTI but this has really run me down and brought everything back to the surface my doctor reasurred me or tryed to that this is only a temp setback but when it's you whos feeling so bad it's hard to see how things can get better especailly when yuo thought you were doing OK it;s very frustrating.

But how can you ever prepare yourself for such a big lose and you are right thoses special days that loom will be so hard theres no point in lying but wiht time they will become times to rememebr that i'm sure you will cherish.

It must be hard for you what with your siblings having family of there own i guess they've taken it for granted that you'll look after yout dad as they've got there own hands full, they probably don't realise the impact that this is having on you. Everybody reacts differently and sometimes this is the most difficult thing to deal with!

I think that you are doing the right thing in talking about your feelings to a group of people who can really relate i can't give you the answer to is time really a heeler because i'm wondering that too but i do know that it's still very early days for you and i can understand the way your feeling cause i feel it too!!

Be knid to yourself and Take Care

Carly x