I feel like a prisoner in my own home, my wife being the Warden. Ever time I want to go to my friends house or do anything with my cars she gets all upset with me. I can’t even talk on the phone to my friends for more than 2 minutes or she gets mad. I don’t know what to do. We have been married for almost 5 years my first, her second. I am not young either I am 55 and she is 51. I don’t understand, she thinks that I should stay home with her all the time. To her, her family is most important. I can understand that and I am fine with it. I don’t have any family left all I have is my friends. She has 4 children the youngest is going to be a junior in College next year. He will be home for the summer. We all get along fine except the oldest daughter, she left home when we were getting married. Her Ex husband left her because he wanted to hang with is friends (now I see why) he is deceased now so I can’t really find out what went on. What should I do?
Well my friend, you are going to get some interesting responses to this inquiry I'm sure. You have to ask yourself at this point, how much you want to try and save the marriage. What is more important to you right now and in the future? My bet is that it won't get any better. You can do what she wants to keep her happy, but what about you? Or you can do what you want and keep her unhappy. Either way you have to face some tuff times ahead. No fun at all.
My first thought when I read this was to tell you to run away as fast as you can. Take what you want, need and is all yours and get away. I have always jokingly told my kids to NEVER get married. Especially since I myself am a two time loser in the marriage game and will most likely never recover financially.
Good luck and I seriously hope everything works out. Hell she could just be going thru a bitchy hormonal phase.
My first ex-wife was the same way. I couldn't go anywhere either without her or without the blame game. I gave up friends & family & still ended up divorced. Only advice I can give is to be true to who you are & take a stand. Don't lie to yourself, you alone know what needs to be done. Good luck
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If you didn't build it, it will always be someone else's
Give and take is one thing. Being a prisoner is another. I told my wife before we got married that my freedom is the most important thing in the world to me, and if she steps on it Im out. Life is very short. Sure would suck to live your life for someone else. I hope she is an excelent cook.
Sometimes it's hard to get a female CALM when you need her to be... LOL. But, try and talk to her about your needs when you are BOTH in a calm mood. Lay it out there, and see what she has to say. Let her know that these are NEEDS of yours. You are both INDIVIDUALS and you need a certain level of independence and freedom. You can respect HER family without being SLAVE to it. Stand up for yourself. Let her know that you are not her posession, and will be gone if she tries to treat you as one.
Just thank the lucky stars that you don't have kids between you!
Just how much have you changed since you met your wife and she agreed to marry you?
Before you were married, Were you a car guy who liked to play with cars and hang out with your friends?
Before you were married, Did your wife know that you were a car guy who liked to hang out with his friends?
Before you were married, Did your soon to be wife indicate that she didn't want you to be a car guy who liked to hang out with his firends?
The bottom line is if you were a car guy who liked to hang out with his friends and she knew it then THAT is what she married.
If you are dedicating proper time to the "family" thing and dedicating a much smaller percentage to the "car/friends" thing I'd say you're in the clear.
Now, what to do...........simply ask, "Before you agreed to marry me did you know that I was a car guy who liked to hang out with his friends."
No, she is not going through the "change". I asked to go to counselling she refused to go. She is just very controlling. She doesn't trust me and I give her no reason not to trust me. I don't smoke or drink. I really bend over backwards to please her. I do her nails, give massage, change oil in her car, help with laundry, clean up the house, etc, etc. My friends don't even like to call me any more because she gets upset when I'm on the phone. When we first got married she made me tear up and throw away pictures I had of my friends that I had taken since I was a kid. She said that thoes people aren't my friends any more.Yes she knew I liked cars, had friends that liked cars. When we were dating we went to cruise nights together. She liked it ( at least she said she did) now I haven't been to cruise night for about 3 or 4 years. I feel as though my life has been taken away from me.
{quote}When we first got married she made me tear up and throw away pictures I had of my friends that I had taken since I was a kid. She said that thoes people aren't my friends any more.{end}
OMG!
That is the bigges pile of bullschitt I've ever heard anyone have to go through. I am so sorry.
My wife wears the pants here, and I'm good with it, but there is such a thing as MINE and HERS...
I'd NEVER allow anyone other than my Mother tell me to throw away photo's and memories of my friends!
I really hope your situation improoves, I am really hot under the collar right now adn MUST keep my mouth shut from here on out.
I truely hope you find a place where you can be YOU. I also hope she allow's you to remain yourself, because if she don't then she might loose a good man.
I will keep my fingers crossed and my mouth shut from here on out because I'm already pissed
After reading your last post, I have a little different take on this. Your wife is never going to change, she has no reason too. My advice on this is to RUN. Run fast, run hard, and run far. You've given too much to this cause already.
Joe
3-'63 Fairlanes
'72 Gran Torino Sport (Q code)
'79 F-150 4X4
Okay, here's the deal. I hardly know you but from what I've seen of your posts here and at the other place you seem to be a straight up guy. I really don't think this is a drama queen post, I think it's legit.
So, as long as your not just having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, I would say that from your statement above that your decision is close at hand.
Here's what I do when it looks like it might be getting close to "Call the lawyer" time. I just do a cool/sucks ratio evaluation. When I do this it's always when things "suck" so it's real easy to be negative. This is actually a good thing because even on a REAL "sucks" day I can still come up with a 75/25 cool/sucks ratio.
Weigh it all out when you have a clear head and see where it ends up. You have to decide where the tipping point is.
Wow, if you agreed to tear up old photos of your buds I guess the real issue here is that she is in control of the house.
It's easy for a guy like me on a keyboard to give an opinion, but my first impresison is that she's taken advantage of the fact that she has you whipped into a pussy.
Sorry for the harshness, just saying what practically every man who read your post is thinking.
Greg
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'71 Torino GT, 429+
'71 Torino Wagon project - 200 MPH or bust
[quote]When we first got married she made me tear up and throw away pictures I had of my friends that I had taken since I was a kid. She said that thoes people aren't my friends any more.[quote]
Man, you must have had some serious blinders on before walking down the isle. For a person to say that to ANYBODY is seriously wrong. Some guys LIKE for the woman to wear the pants, but DANG... That's just sad. Unfortunately, people (your wife) who are wired that never significantly or permanently change. Sometimes they can do some 'lip service', but it won't be much, and it won't last. You see what happened with her last husband... And even with that to learn from, she still did the same thing to you... and YOU ALLOWED IT.
When you are in ANY partnership, you've GOT to stand your ground, or you'll get walked over. You CANNOT put it in someone elses hands to make sure you get a fair shake. The FIRST time she even wrinkled her nose at one of your pictures, you should have stood your ground. People like her need put in their place QUICK and EARLY. If their egos are allowed to grow, it gets bad quick.
I seriously doubt it will get permanently better. You're either going to have to get used to her controlling ways and kiss you identity goodbye, or move on.
Well, I guess Im lucky, Ive been married for over 30 years. But Ivs seen your exact situation at least couple of times.
It seems to me that if she wont even agree to go to consuling, (and why should she, she's perfectly happy with the way things are right now) you only have two choices. Either live with it, or end it.
Your 55 years old, life is short. Personally. I would want to be happy, and it sure doesnt seem like you are.
Good luck, I hope things work out for the best, for you.
If she won't go to counseling, go by yourself. There is no way we can get the whole picture on a message board like this. Find a professional you trust and connect with and let him or her help you sort through your options. At the very least, he or she can help you keep from repeating the mistake if you do decide to walk away.
Keyboard advice certainly isn't the answer, but I think most of the guys on here aren't cavemen who think women should be clubbed and dragged back to the cave.
But I'm pretty sure that most of the guys on here would agree than neither party should have absolute control over the other.
So whatever, do the best you can to hang in, but it sounds like you really need to do something! Good luck, hope things get better.
This might be a little weird because I'm on the other side of the fence and not married, but I'm having a similar problem. My roommate..no funny ideas, guys, of 23 years developed vertigo among other health problems over the past two years. Her personality of a pleasant, genuinely fun person to be with has changed drastically. Frankly, she's become a Dr. Jeckyl/Ms. Hyde with a lot more Hyde than Jeckyl. My situation is similar to yours in that I'm never right, a selfish bitch, stupid and not worth a shit. Her adult son is everything, she bugs him constantly but my daughter and granddaughter are barely in her radar. I'm reminded far too often of how worthless I am and get complained at no matter what I do. Like you, I try to placate her, buy her most anything that she asks for, do more that my half of the housework, try not to shout at her, pay for everything etc but nothing helps. I still see my friends...my closest lives 50 miles from here but not often. Since Aug of '06, my self esteem has been taking a huge hit. Yeah, I could just say ENOUGH! and ask her to move, but I wouldn't do that to someone who has been close to me for so long. Her son is a partier and couldn't take care of her.
So I'm doing exactly what Tim advised you to do and am seeing a counsellor. Believe me, it helps! If nothing else I can vent to someone who may be able to offer suggestions of what I can do to make MY life easier to handle. She's even given me advice on how to handle things if they get worse and I'm forced to bail. Please give it a try......
Concerned for you,
Jan
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My lifelong goal has been to tear down a mall and build a race track!
I hve/ had a friend like you. He got married and now I never see him. We (his friends) call his wife the ice princess.
My wife and I each have things and friends of our own. We don't interfere in each other's business. That is the way it has and will be.
I tried the 'be controlled whipping boy' method with an ex girlfriend. It wasn't for me. She went to the counselor with me once. She had opened her mouth and gotten about 3 sentences out, before the female counselor said 'stop.' I was getting blamed for her getting sick!!! She did not go back any more. I went back several times. It was quite an educational experience. I learned from it vastly. I learned so much that I tipped to the fact that the counselor was having relationship issues. Before she knew what was happening, I had become the shrink and she was my patient. She caught that after a few minutes and stopped it. I thought maybe it was a fluke, but I did the same thing to my psychology professor in college. (My friend have all asked me to go into the field of psychology. I won't because I think I would have too hard a time maintaining a professional distance between myself and my patients.
But back to the issue at hand.
She has control issues coupled with a fear of abandonment and a sense of inferiority. My guess is that some person in her past was very controlling of her yet was not affectionate. She wants ALL your attention and ALL your love. She want to be the center of your universe. She wants you to have no other objects of affection because she is convinced that she will come in second place in any contest.
You have three options
1 - Leave
2 - Stay in the situation as it exists
3 - Change the situation.
Leaving will probably be easiest on you in the short term.
Option 2 will grant you a death by age 60 or so.
Option 3 - This will be hardest with the greatest payoff IF the love between the two of you is mutual and real. YOU go to counseling even if she will not. Then what you will do is use what you are taught to train your wife to alter her behavior. She does what she does because she is REWARDED for it. That does not mean that you turn 180 degrees. That means that you have to take the reward away for the behavior. This sounds so simple, but in practice is so hard to do. If it sounds like you will be manipulating another human being - yes that is exactly what you are doing. This will tend to be draining with slips backwards. There are no Gaurantees.
YOU have to make the choice. You have the power of your own choices if you will exercise it.
Please take not that what I have said is based on what you have written. I am NOT a shrink. I am a lucky amatuer with a good emapthy for people. I also try to learn from any situation I encounter.
