I have a question regarding what I think is an over reaction from a neighborhood mom and dad.
The situation is this.
They have two boys. One is 8 and the other is 5. My son is 8 and goes to school with the older boy. They are in the same class. Ever since we moved into our house they have picked on my son. Last summer it got so bad that my son would not leave our house because they would wait for him with high powered water guns and shoot at his face. He's been injured twice from water in the eye and another incident with the younger boy putting a stick through the spoke of his bicycle while riding causing my son to fall and be injured. These kids have never apologized to my son for hurting him.
Fast forward and this neighbor called me on the phone two days ago and says that her boys said my son went after them with a shovel. We don't own a shovel but I did talk to my son about what happened. He was being picked on again by the younger brother and so went into our garage and took my small herb garden trowel. He threatened her boys with it and said a swear word.
I had my son apologize to her boys in front of her and he was punished for the bad behavior. That night my husband receives an email letting us know that they do not want their kids to play with my son ever again. Keep in mind they live three doors down from us. There was a nasty remark directed at me in the letter as well. We emailed them back saying we would respect their wishes and not have our son play at their house but asked that they keep their kids from teasing and shooting guns at him when he walks by their house.
They responded that they feel my sons behavior is too dangerous to ignore and hence have asked us to have our son not play with any of the other neighborhood kids when their kids are playing first. Meaning that first come first serve. If my kid is playing with so and so then her kids stay home. If her kids are playing with so and so then my kids stays home. With a small block of boys and summer approaching I find it insane to make such a demand.
First off I think it's unreasonable to for her to ask other parents in the neighborhood to send my child home if her kids are there first. She has threatened to do this if we don't comply. What kind of person tries to involve other parents to ostracize someone else’s child? This isn't their problem it's her problem. Even our conflicting boys were talking yesterday as nothing had happened. Her and her husband don't seem to get that kids forgive eachother but she is making a point to them not to.
Help any suggestions? Should I notify the other parents in the neighborhood what happened before she calls them or should I let her spread her gossip and look odd by making this demand of them? If I speak to the other parents first I'm afraid I'll look like the gossiper but if she gets their first maybe they would believe her or feel they should comply.
she would be putting the blame on your kid's behavior when hers is just as bad, if not worse - here's my 2c worth.
I would not WANT my kid to play with the neighbor kids if hers were there! I would think that my kid would be told "those kids are not well behaved and if they join in, you come home." If everybody who liked to behave well did that, maybe THOSE boys would quickly learn that if you're going to misbehave nobody will want to play while you're around. And the other neighbor kids can decide who they'd rather play with - the kids who misbehave or the good ones.
It's unfortunate living so close to have to be that way, but honestly, I would not want my kids around them, period. Regardless of who was there first.
I just feel bad because instead of telling my son not to play with her boys I told him to make it work since we all need to get along in the neighborhood. Plus he is in the same class in school as the older boy.
After being attacked in the face with high powered water guns, having water balloons slammed onto his head, chased and threatened with big sticks when he walked outside our front door and after falling off his bike because the younger brother put a stick through the spoke while he was riding I kept persisting my son try to get along with them.
My concern was that each time he came home crying and running away from them they would continue to bully him more and tease. Eventually he did stop running away and crying and got mad instead. He's been bullied at school and the teacher has been working with the class on a mild mannered way to handle this however any animal and human nature instinctively reacts with violence when threatened. Learning to control that takes time and maturity.
Now the other parents of the bullies are labeling my son as the bully and not fit to play with. And they won't talk with us about this in person but instead send us Emails. How weird is that?
trying to work things out but sometimes the best thing to do IS walk away and not put yourself in further situations where problems can arise! It's a shame really. I know it's hard about what the others think but really do you honestly believe they don't see things with their own eyes? I mean, if this other kid is doing that to your son, don't you think they'd see it too? And maybe it's happening to their kids as well? And if they're "siding" with the bully - then who cares what they think anyway??? I have a son too and I know a little about this I do think it's important to teach a child when to work it out, when to walk away and when to go to an adult to get help if it's not improving. These are hard life lessons. That's good the school is addressing it as well. I'm sorry you are going through this
mermayd
P.S. And yes, pretty cowardly to be emailing instead of talking with you face to face!
Well, it is unfortunate that you and your boys have to go thru this, one thing I would suggest is since they are in the same class and all, maybe you can talk to the teachers, or principle? They will then know there is a problem and can keep an eye on things and take action if the other boys misbehave.
One thig I also wanted to say, the other neighborhood kids and parents, after playing with everyone will soon see who are the bad ones, (not your boys!) they can judge for themselves, that is my opinion, I agree with Mermayd. Let us know how things turn out.
It sounds quite nasty. I'm wondering if the other boys exaggerated your son's response, to make these parents think he is dangerous. Sounds like the kind of thing bullies will do. Maybe you could find out if other parents have had trouble with these boys as well, without aggravating the situation more? I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, my only advice is don't get into some awful argument with them if possible, and try to keep your dignity. Good luck.
Ginny
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It's already come up with the other neighbors, so I would just let them know what happened. If you have to do by email, so be it. At least you will have your side out there. It might make other parents aware of what is going on and then they can keep an eye out for what may go on too. It may be likely that he was picked on simply because he was new to the neighborhood. I really hate when kids act this way because it is destructive behavior. They don't even always realize the deep, emotional damage they can do to someone. They think it's nothing more than regular teasing.
Maybe you can find some local activities your son can participate in away from the neighborhood, so he can make friends there. It doesn't sound like the kids there are the best influences to have on your son anyway!
I am terribly sorry this happened!
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April 29 2008, 4:06 PM
My son will be at summer camp for a week this year and then go to Montana for a family reunion. He plays quite well with a younger boy down the street who comes from Washington near where we moved from.
He likes to play quietly with toys and the two brothers up the street prefer to play games with high powered water guns and cap guns. They have not been taught not to point guns at people so thats what they do, they aim for the face. Very bad habit in my opinion. My son doesn't do well with rough game play because he gets hurt and then very mad so I don't encourage him to join in those games.
We had a parent like this in our old neighborhood when my now high school boys were little. My middle son when he was little liked to play with sticks and play chase and he too was labeled bad and banned by a paranoid mother. She felt he was dangerous but her son years later turned out to be the one in high school no one on the block would associate with. My 2nd son reminded me of this the other day and said, "you know mom those kids always get back what they dish out later on and so do the parents".
I'm feeling calmer about it today. I just have a problem with people choosing to think ill of me. I need to get over that. I did my best, didn't insult her like she did me and my kid apologized. I should feel good about that.
but I'm am so reviled by this neighbor's behavior. She has no interest in being a civil neighbor.
I just wanted to say I'd be way more proactive with her in the future, especially if she were trying to label my kid who had been the victim of her kids behavior for so long. If it were my child I'd take the time to think out and write out when and how the various previous incidences happened then file a police report on the previous incidences just to be on the safe side because her reaction is so unreasonable that I'd be concerned what might happen next and I'd want everything to be on record somewhere. If any other incidences of bullying happened from her kids I'd get a protective order, too. I lose my Mrs. Nice Girl quickly when it comes to protecting a kid I love! My mom was in law enforcement for 20 years and this is how she taught me to handle this type thing. She kept records of EVERYTHING no matter how insignificant it seemed and told us not the take bull from anyone. She dealt with this with my youngest sister being bullied and ended up having to have the other child kicked off the school bus because that is where the incidences often took place. My little sis didn't tell my mom what was happening until one day she got severely sick and fearful of going to school. It took my sister 6 months to feel safe enough to go back to school, and she still suffers from anxiety.
I wish you well in dealing and coping with all this. I hope I didn't sound too bossy it just hits so close to home, bully kids and their bossy, bully, unreasonable parents- BLECH!!
Yucchi
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I do think it's important to teach a child when to work it out, when to walk away and when to go to an adult to get help if it's not improving. These are hard life lessons. That's good the school is addressing it as well. I'm sorry you are going through this 
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