hi ladies,
you are all so wonderful and caring on here and usually give good advice. Plus since you don't personally know me I feel I can get a more objective opinion. I feel I may especially benefit from married women. I will try to keep this brief but bear with me:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, lived together for 5 in the same house. WE are wonderfully happy together and though we have very many difference we both get along really well and I feel like we have some very important world views in common. I don't think it is strange at all that we both enjoy completely different hobbies and interests and we still find things that we enjoy doing together. Also the love life is great, so long as I am not too bogged down with school (not that he is ever pesky about such a thing).
Lately I have been feeling more and more anxiety ridden over the relationship-much of it started about 1 month ago when the topic of kids came up and he said he feels that he doesn't want any. I'd be lying if I said this didn't break my heart a little and it really consumed me for a few days. We talked again and we both cried, he said that he was sorry for the way he felt and sorry because he knew I deserved to be a mother. I of course don't hold this against him in anyway, but I find myself in panic mode. Have you ever found the love of your life only to find that he doesn't want the same things as you? I began to feel though that this was selfish a little. I mean people want to find love, a companion for life first and foremost and I am lucky to have done so. How could I possibly leave him or love him less for someone I haven't met yet (my unborn children). But I still have bouts where I feel a little angry about it, because I feel that there are many things that I had in mind for my life that don't seem to be coming to reality. It's all simple things, I want to move away from where I live, have a dog and go for walks with him daily, have a garden, become a veterinarian. Among many things. But more and more I feel like I won't be able to move because he doesn't really have the desire to and he had a "real job" and family here. We can't have a dog in this house, and he dislikes dogs. Nevermind the other stuff, but you see what I mean. Lately I think-so what AM I ALLOWED to have? His love-undoubtedly (and it is wonderful!), he is truly kind to me and sweet and loving and caring. He does do things for me that are just for me and he constantly surprises me in these ways. I just don't know what to do or how to feel and I don't want these stupid feelings to ruin the best thing I have ever had.
Sorry for the lengthy post, thanks in advance for any thoughts you have.


puregoldendreams
2aFii
19/26.25/35
first goal: BS done! 9/09
2nd goal waist 30"
overall goal:
tail bone or 35" for me, then i will see if i want to maintain or not.
25 years old


coconut oil overnight weekly
jojoba oil as remembered to the ends
wide tooth plastic comb,bbb sometimes
experimenting with shampoos, ACV and other natural treatments
mostly raw/vegan diet

First of all: Big hugs to you! Now a little about myself: I have been married for 10 years. I dreamed about having the same things as you when I was your age. I am now 45. The guys I had relationships with did not fill in what I wanted in my life, so I would move on despite how happy I was with them. I knew that if I did not have things the way I wanted for myself, then I would not be happy and just drag the relationship down. I met my DH when I was 35 on a blind date! He had all that I was looking for in a relationship. He asked me to marry him 4 months later. Before you know it 5 years had passed and I was 40 with no children. I am very happy and obsorbed in the relationship without having had children. Something that I did not think was possible. But I am. My life feels completely full without that aspect. So, somewhere down the road I began to realize that I did not need children as part of my dreams for myself.

So, what I am saying is that you should go for what you want in your life, but also realize that not all may come to pass. I think that for you to be thinking the way you are about your future is because you are not fulfilled in the relationship. You say that you have been with him for 7 years and your siggy says you are 25. This leads me to believe that you have not been able to spread your wings and fly to experience life the way you wanted; to experience things yourself and find your own path in life.

Right now there will be conflict in your relationship: You have your dreams and he has his. Forcing your dreams on each other will just make matters worse. They always end up in nasty break ups. You both may need to sit down and discuss your dreams with each other to find out where you stand and where you may need to do for the future.

I hope things work out for you in what ever you decide to persue. Let us know what happens.




Leah
Age: 45
3bFii
23.5/27/Waist-goal reached: 9/1/08
23.5/29.5/Hips (new goal)
CO only every 3 day. Baking Soda washes with Sauve Coconut conditioner about once a week.
Hebal tea rinses 3 times a week: chamomile, thyme, rosemary, sage and ACV.
Jojba & EVOO with lavendar EO daily.
Deep oil treatments using cocount oil the night before wash day. Honey rinses.
Sleep with scrunchies down length of pony tail or up in a high bun or braid.
"Happiness depends on ourselves." -Aristotle

"There are times when only a dog will do for a friend: when you're beaten, sick and blue, and the world's all wrong; for he won't care. If you break and cry, or grouch and swear; for he'll let you know as he licks your hands that he's downright sorry and understands." -Don Blanding (1894-1957)

this was very helpful and i feel like much of it is kinda what i have known but i have been scared to take action because i don't want to ruin things. I do think that after 7 years it is fair that we openly talk to each other about what we want and decide how to take it from there. It makes me glad to hear your point of view of children and I am glad that you have found yourself in such a happy relationship. I really appreciate the advice! Thank you so much.


puregoldendreams
2aFii
19/26.25/35
first goal: BS done! 9/09
2nd goal waist 30"
overall goal:
tail bone or 35" for me, then i will see if i want to maintain or not.
25 years old


coconut oil overnight weekly
jojoba oil as remembered to the ends
wide tooth plastic comb,bbb sometimes
experimenting with shampoos, ACV and other natural treatments
mostly raw/vegan diet

(Disclaimer: Just had some wine, I hope it doesn't affect my English writing abilities too much )
I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult situation! I think relationships are a lot about compromise. But I think some compromises are too difficult to take, I personally think having children is unfortunately something where compromises are diffcult...
You also talk about being a veterinarian - can't you do this while you are together with him?

I often see that women tend to cave in too much in relationships. It can't be right if your common life just regards his wishes (e.g., why can't you move to a different place where you can have a garden and a dog?).

You just have to try to find a compromise, and just must be really honest to yourself if you want to live with it. I think (but that's my personal opinion) that a relationship - how happy it may be - should not be the only meaning of a man's or women's life. This may sound a little heartless, but I think relationships are a lot happier if every partner would also be happy without it.

I don't know if that helps you - perhaps it sounds a bit confused.

By the way, I'm 26 and married for 2 years (together with my DH for almost 5 five years). So far we also had to find compromises on many things, we moved to a town strange for both of us because of my DH's job (fortunately I also found a great job here after I finished university). However, DH sometimes also takes our compromises not to easy, as he has left his country to live in Germany permanently). I must admit that sometimes when we have a difficult time (also a normal thing in relationships ) I fear that some day that his homesickness might get to much for him.

i agree with you-that a relationship should not be the only thing that defines a person and that women do tend to sacrifice a lot. i am happy to sacrifice much, but i don't want to sacrifice too much and regret it. i try to keep an open mind about trying to make myself happy first. about the veterinarian question: yes i can definitely do this with him and he encourages it. the problem there is that i do have to move out of state to do so (for four-five years). Yes, i want to move. I am somewhat scared that he won't move with me (and that says a lot) but also that he can't move with me-because of his job which is limited to certain locations. In my happy imagination I get accepted to the school of my choice in a lovely place to live and we both go, I become vet he finds a good job there and we live happily with our dog and garden etc. So many complications! It becomes hard for me to think about it all. But I think that overall there are some things that I won't turn down because it will affect the two of us: my education and career doing what I want to do. I know life is not easy and clean and simple, what is right is not always easy. I appreciate your thoughts, thanks for the help!


puregoldendreams
2aFii
19/26.25/35
first goal: BS done! 9/09
2nd goal waist 30"
overall goal:
tail bone or 35" for me, then i will see if i want to maintain or not.
25 years old


coconut oil overnight weekly
jojoba oil as remembered to the ends
wide tooth plastic comb,bbb sometimes
experimenting with shampoos, ACV and other natural treatments
mostly raw/vegan diet

Oh, I understand that this is difficult... how far would you have to move to study? Would be you able to see each other regularly if he doesn't move with you?

I don't know how studies are organized in the US, here in Germany we have quite long vacancies between the lecturing periods (well, it's not free time as you have to learn, but it normally doesn't matter where).

living with the fear that your DH's homesickness might get too much for him and he might end up wanting to move back to his homeland. I lived with that fear for many years and I have no answers for you. It took a lot of soul-searching, a lot of praying, and a lot of tears before my DH and I finally made the decision to move back to his homeland. And it was the best thing we ever did for our family. Our only regret is that my parents miss out on our children but the fact is that wherever we lived at least one set of grandparents would miss out. I can't offer you any advice. Just be honest when you talk about it and try and imagine how he must feel at times. I mean, how would you feel if it was reversed? And decide what really matters. Wouldn't you rather be with him in a strange place then in your own country without him?






Progress from June 2006 - July 2009

2a/M/ii
Mid-Dark brown with natural red and silver highights; fringe/bangs.
Starting length 25"/62.5cm
Current length 36"/90cm (Original goal and was reached July 2009)
New Goal 44"/112cm

Current routine: (Trying to keep it as simple as possible): WC on the weekend; scalp washes every second day; oiling 2-3 nights per week; S&D when I think of it; and dusting every 8-12 weeks.

Shampoo: Organic Instincts diluted with herbal tea (rosemary and chamomile).
Conditioners: A'Kin Protein or Moisturising Conditioner mixed with 1 tsp honey and 1 tsp coconut oil (dissolved in 1 tsp boiling water before adding conditioner).
Oils: Favourite is almond oil. Occasionally will use a blend of coconut, almond, olive in the ratio 2:1:1 in summer or as a deep oiling treatment.
Other: ACV infused with herbs (depending upon availability I use a selection of lavender, rosemary, cinnamon, sage, and thyme); BBB; wooden comb; Mason Pearson comb; Logona herbal henna.

'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.' 1 Peter 3:3-4

On Eagles' Wings (My Blog)

The Quilt Room (My Quilting Blog)

My Method for Scalp Washes

for your sympathy (and sorry for spamming puregoldendreams thread).

The thing is, there are many reasons why living in Germamy is more sensible than living in my DH's county (Czech republic). One thing is, wages and living standards are much higher here - if we worked in Czech republic, we couldn't afford many things we enjoy now (nice flat, new car, nice holidays, etc). The other thing is that my Czech language skills are not that good that I could work there (I know, bad apology. I've been learning for almost 5 five years now, but Czech is really horribly difficult). So I must admit that because of these things living in the Czech republic is not really an option for me.

At the monent we live in a town that is strange for both of us (about 170 miles away from my hometown), but of course it is different for me because it's still my home country.

my first thought was: how old is he? Guys often don't think they want children when they're in their twenties, but later, they are ready to. So just because he says he doesn't want them now, doesn't mean he won't want them later. I also know several men who said they would never get married and guess what? They're married and have kids. I don't think guys have the same dreams for the future that we do. Their dreams are more about career and lifestyle.

Having said that though, it's risky to enter into say marriage with this man hoping that he will change his mind about children later. This is something I think you need to seriously sort out now.

I met my DH when I was 17 and we were married 2 years later. Leah's comment about not being able to fly is a valid one. We had our first child a year after we were married and a lot of my dreams had to be put on hold (his too). But I don't regret any of it. And now that our children are older, I've been able to fulfil some of those dreams.

There must be compromise but it shouldn't be the same person always giving up their dreams all the time.

No one can tell you what to do but you might find talking to a relationship counsellor helpful. I would hate to have missed out on the life I've had with my DH because we hadn't been able to sort out some differences and I think that fear of throwing away something good is also what's holding you back. Whatever you decide, think it through carefully, consider all the options, before you make any decisions that can't be reversed. And remember it won't just be yourself you're hurting. He'll be hurt too and probably a lot of your family and friends as well. So be very sure.






Progress from June 2006 - July 2009

2a/M/ii
Mid-Dark brown with natural red and silver highights; fringe/bangs.
Starting length 25"/62.5cm
Current length 36"/90cm (Original goal and was reached July 2009)
New Goal 44"/112cm

Current routine: (Trying to keep it as simple as possible): WC on the weekend; scalp washes every second day; oiling 2-3 nights per week; S&D when I think of it; and dusting every 8-12 weeks.

Shampoo: Organic Instincts diluted with herbal tea (rosemary and chamomile).
Conditioners: A'Kin Protein or Moisturising Conditioner mixed with 1 tsp honey and 1 tsp coconut oil (dissolved in 1 tsp boiling water before adding conditioner).
Oils: Favourite is almond oil. Occasionally will use a blend of coconut, almond, olive in the ratio 2:1:1 in summer or as a deep oiling treatment.
Other: ACV infused with herbs (depending upon availability I use a selection of lavender, rosemary, cinnamon, sage, and thyme); BBB; wooden comb; Mason Pearson comb; Logona herbal henna.

'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.' 1 Peter 3:3-4

On Eagles' Wings (My Blog)

The Quilt Room (My Quilting Blog)

My Method for Scalp Washes

I am 28 this month and have been with my bf for a little over 2 years. My bf is 31 and I must admit, he didn't really want kinds when we first started dating. Now as he sees all his buddies getting married and having kids, HE wants kids more than me!

So, like Jules said, the older he gets, he'll warm up to the idea. I've only met 2 men in my life who didn't want kids (and they were 40-something), but they just didn't like kids at all.

On the other hand, it does sound like you need to spread your wings. I'm sure you two love each other dearly, but if compromising isn't something thats in his vocabulary, you need to know that there are other men out there who know what it means.

I'd hate for you to turn down your dream school because you man doesn't want to move with you. NEVER turn away your dreams for someone else. Thats one thing I learned in life. Maybe take a break while you're in school?

I hope I helped you out a bit. I"ve never been with someone that long (my current relationship is my longest only because I"m super picky), but I feel I've known my bf FOREVER because we respect one another and give each other space.

Big hugs and I hope it all works out for you.

1c/Nii
12/22/26 Growing since Aug '07
Using Live Clean shampoo and Redkens All Soft Conditioner and Giovanni Direct Leave In Conditioner.

I have to agree with the above two posters (sorry- I'm not technically a member of the site, just a lurker, but I thought I might be able to offer some insight) in some senses. I'm 21 and I've been married for 5 months, but my husband and I have been together for going on 7 years. We're in a kind of similar position at the moment- I'm on my last year of undergrad, and for the past two years, we've 'lived together' (I have to stay at a dorm on campus to keep a scholarship, so I'm really only home on weekends and holidays). It's getting to the point where a lot of people I know (some are about 25 and some are the same age as I am) are getting/ have gotten married and are moving on to having children. My husband and I have spoken several times, both before marriage and after about having children, and while we agreed before marriage we wanted them, I kind of waver on it- so people definitely do change thier minds over time. Having children is a big change for any relationship, so it is possible that since you two have been living a certain way for so long, that your boyfriend has simply gotten comfortable with the way you are living and hadn't given a thought to children. Also, ask him why he doesn't want them, and don't settle for a simple answer. I have a friend who was really upset because her husband didn't want children, but it turns out he didn't want them because he was afraid he'd be a horrible parent, since growing up, his parents weren't the greatest. Your boyfriend may ahve a similar problem and jsut hasn't voiced it. Ask yourself why you want children and why they are so important to you- some of the people I know are having thei biological clocks kicked into overdrive and suddenly everything is about babies and husbands and what not. I'm not saying that's you, but it's always good to know why something means s much to you.
Do definitey voice your fears to him about moving for you to go to school. It seemed to me from reading your post that you haven't asked him about it, and it's something you really should do now before you make a decision and one of you has the chance to resent the other. Do know though, that compromising can sometimes result in you being happier. We had some issues a couple of years ago when I was considering applying to study abroad- I decided to not go, and I am really glad I didn't. MY roommate who did go didn't find out where she was living until a week before she got there, didn't know her classes until 2 weeks after she got there, was sick most of the time, and apparently everyone who went got horribly drunk every night and threw really loud parties. Having class in another country might have been cool, but dealing with the other stuff would have driven me nuts, and since my husband will have to go overseas for his master's dissertation, I can just spend my time there enjoying the scenerey and shopping!

I know what you mean about your significant other not liking dogs- I'm a big cat person, but we can't have cats because my husband is horribly allergic to them. It's something I've compromised with and I'll either have a barn cat or a small, fluffy dog

Gosh, sorry that's so long!! I tend to babble!

That is hard. I agree with pretty much everything that Jules said.

I think that the dreams of two people who really love each other can grow together. That is what has happened with me and my husband. It can be hard to compromise. There are things that I have compromised on (he is fulfilling his work dreams more than I am) and things that he has compromised on (we are living near my family and so see his family very little.) However, there are a lot of his dreams that have become mine and vice versa. And dreams that neither one of us had before we met and both share now. I guess this doesn't sound as profound as it did in my head, but maybe you know what I mean...

As far as dogs go--when we met, my husband was not a dog person. A German Shephard mauled him when he was a kid (he still has terrible scars on his leg.) Through me, he has come to love dogs and can't wait until we can get one. He went to a dog rescue by himself last month. The other day I overheard him singing a song he made up about a dog that he met and would like to get (sadly, we can't right now.) I also have a dear friend who was not at ALL an animal person when she met her husband. He was a complete dog person and eventually (11 years into their marriage) she agreed (nervously) to get a dog. I saw her a week after that and she said, "oh, my gosh! I totally get it! From the second we brought her home, I got it! I love her so much--when she is happy, I am happy, and when she is sad, I am sad!" And I grew up with dogs and was always a dog person and am now a "both" person with three cats that I dote on. So you never know!

Anyway, I don't mean this as advice...just the thoughts that popped into my head. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

winterwren

Hi there

I'm not sure how much I can help but here goes. I've been with my DB for 3 and a half years now. Within the first week of us being together he told me her had had a vasectomy fairly recently. It seems very early in a realtionship to be going into that but he felt we had something that might go places and didn't want to lie to me. I thought long an hard about it and decided that I still wanted to give it a go.

My reasoning ran like this. I want children. However there are no guarentees in this life and I personally am against  fertility treatment. So I could go, meet someone else, maybe even fall as much in love and then still not end up with children. I have a beautiful step daughter which helps. It also hurts as I know I will never be her mother. I struggle with this decision every time one of my friends falls pregnant. There are many tears involved. However I have struggled though it and I come out of it each time happy and content with my lot in life.

Maybe you need to talk to your DB about all of the things you both want in life and see how much you can meet in the middle on? No on should have to compromise everything they want, it should run both ways.

I hope it all goes well for you!!!

xXx

Click on the frog for jewelery and hair ornaments

My general blog
http://bluefrogsticks.blogspot.com/





21/27.5/classic (44 inches on me)
2aNii

27 years old

Recently decided to wash my hair when I feel it needs it/I can be bothered, rather than the set routine I had. Currently using soapnuts and the occasional bicarbe rinse. I also ACV rinse after most washes.

I only comb my hair with a wooden comb or boar bristle brush

Trying to grow out my hair back to it's natural colour. Looking at getting my hair thicker this year and much healthier!

puregoldendreams
2aFii
19/26.25/35
first goal: BS done! 9/09
2nd goal waist 30"
overall goal:
tail bone or 35" for me, then i will see if i want to maintain or not.
25 years old


coconut oil overnight weekly
jojoba oil as remembered to the ends
wide tooth plastic comb,bbb sometimes
experimenting with shampoos, ACV and other natural treatments
mostly raw/vegan diet

as I've been reading all these posts, is to recognise the compromises he's made for you. It may not be big things like giving up a dream, but perhaps he's decided to spend the night with you rather than going out with his friends, or he'll listen to your music when he'd rather have his own going, or he'll go to your family for Christmas/Thanksgiving, or watch the movie you've chosen, or whatever. When we're hurt, we can so often see only our own side. But it pays to step back and see things from another perspective at times. We're often amazed.

I used to get frustrated because my DH would ask me what I would like but when it came to it I'd often feel that he did it his way anyway. It wasn't until it had happened several times and I got really upset and then we started talking, that I learnt that he had truly thought he was doing what I wanted and he was doing it to please me. I was feeling that I was making all the compromises (and I'd get angry because why did he ask me if he had no intention of doing it that way anyway) and he truly thought he was showing he loved me by putting aside what he wanted and doing what he thought I really wanted.

This is why communication is so important.








Progress from June 2006 - July 2009

2a/M/ii
Mid-Dark brown with natural red and silver highights; fringe/bangs.
Starting length 25"/62.5cm
Current length 36"/90cm (Original goal and was reached July 2009)
New Goal 44"/112cm

Current routine: (Trying to keep it as simple as possible): WC on the weekend; scalp washes every second day; oiling 2-3 nights per week; S&D when I think of it; and dusting every 8-12 weeks.

Shampoo: Organic Instincts diluted with herbal tea (rosemary and chamomile).
Conditioners: A'Kin Protein or Moisturising Conditioner mixed with 1 tsp honey and 1 tsp coconut oil (dissolved in 1 tsp boiling water before adding conditioner).
Oils: Favourite is almond oil. Occasionally will use a blend of coconut, almond, olive in the ratio 2:1:1 in summer or as a deep oiling treatment.
Other: ACV infused with herbs (depending upon availability I use a selection of lavender, rosemary, cinnamon, sage, and thyme); BBB; wooden comb; Mason Pearson comb; Logona herbal henna.

'Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.' 1 Peter 3:3-4

On Eagles' Wings (My Blog)

The Quilt Room (My Quilting Blog)

My Method for Scalp Washes

Communication is very important. That is why I stated that you both need to sit down and talk about your dreams as well as his. This way you both can see where you are both coming from. KWIM?

This way you can see that some of your dreams can be fulfilled, but also recognize that not all of your dreams may come true either.


Leah
Age: 45
3bFii
23.5/27/Waist-goal reached: 9/1/08
23.5/29.5/Hips (new goal)
CO only every 3 day. Baking Soda washes with Sauve Coconut conditioner about once a week.
Hebal tea rinses 3 times a week: chamomile, thyme, rosemary, sage and ACV.
Jojba & EVOO with lavendar EO daily.
Deep oil treatments using cocount oil the night before wash day. Honey rinses.
Sleep with scrunchies down length of pony tail or up in a high bun or braid.
"Happiness depends on ourselves." -Aristotle

"There are times when only a dog will do for a friend: when you're beaten, sick and blue, and the world's all wrong; for he won't care. If you break and cry, or grouch and swear; for he'll let you know as he licks your hands that he's downright sorry and understands." -Don Blanding (1894-1957)