I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions, don't much see the point in making promises you don't plan on keeping. So instead of outlining a load of crap to do that I'm never going to get around to, I'm going to stick with my solid system of don'ts. I've always worked better as a negative example, anyway.

10. I will not start a fight with a midget.
Never fight a little guy. Little guys aren't sure if they can take a hit or not, so they don't go toe to toe and blow for blow, they go straight for the nuts.

09. I will not taunt a circus gorilla.
This seems like a funny idea, but believe me, it really isn't.

08. I will not call upon the power of the Devil.
Here's another good rule of thumb. You'd think this one would be common sense, but oh well.

07. I will not make personal grooming decisions while drunk.
Or re-decorate. Or cook. Or use the phone.

06. I will not buy illegal fireworks when I don't know what they do.
If the label is only printed in Spanish, this is not a good sign. But hey, who doesn't have a funny skin graft story these days?

05. I will not neglect to keep my fire extinguisher charged.
Or forget to put batteries in the smoke detectors. See above.

04. I will not fall asleep in an Eastern European Hostel.
I mean, have you seen "Hostel"? Oh my GOD!

03. I will not declare my apartment "an independent sovereign nation".
Gilbertonia - Population: 2. Capital City: My Room. Chief Rival: Switzerland.
Now, nothing bad came of this. It's just, well, dumb.

02. I will not date twin strippers named after spices, pastries, or cartoon animals.
Yeah, who am I kidding? I never did that. And if I got the chance, I totally would.

01. I will not complain about things that don't matter and don't affect me.
Yes I will. What else am I gonna do?

1. Win the lottery. Nuff said.

2. Challenge Gilberto to a wrestling match. He walks with a cane, I think I can take 'em.

3. Watch daytime television. I've noticed that my IQ has creeped steadily up into the double digits, need to take care of that.

4. Pick a fight with a midget. Gilberto may be scared of them, but I ain't skeered a'nuthin!

5. Conquer the free world. I make this resolution every year, but this time I mean it! You're on notice!

I only need one good foot to kick that ass; I have the strength of ten midgets!

And what's wrong with daytime televizzn? I watch it all the time, and I ain't not never been no dummy!

And why just the free world? That's your problem, B-bop, you want everything for free!

10. i will not teach 6 sections of english courses ranging from comp to a 5000 level graduate course on american romanticism in one semester ever again. it hurt on a metaphyscial level i did not even know was there...

9. if i move away from carrollton, i will not move back to carrollton next year...or ever again for that matter.

8. i will not have sex with a puerto rican stripper and then call her cellphone too much and piss her off, and i definitely will not call her at work again...that was a bad move, my friend.

7. i will not drink a case of steel reserve high gravity piss beer in one afternoon/evening again.

6. i will not make an ass of myself at the corner cafe' open mic night again.

5. i will not think that i can take that 50-pound oppossum that haunts my yard and hides under my car with a broomstick again. those things hiss and it's scary, fucking blind scourge of the earth.

4. i will not admit to people of importance that i frequent asian massage parlors again.

3. i will never again eat sashimi.

2. i will never go down a round in wayne county that i don't know again trusting providence to get me back safe without getting lost.

1. i will not take classes on making the fifi with sean gilbert while under the influence and lonely ever again...

fifi? what? That didn't happen...

You, you're silly, that's what you are, you're some kind of crazy liar, you, no, not true, I never... with the rubber glove and the hot lube and... not true, no sir...

you said you'd never tell.

bastard.