10. Hostel: Do no travel to a far-off war-torn hellhole just to get laid. There are girls everywhere. Also, it’s apparently very easy to murder someone in Europe.

09. Hellraiser/Seven/Gremlins: It doesn’t matter what’s in the box, don’t open it.

08. Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things: Children, don’t play with dead things.

07. Amityville Horror/Thirteen Ghosts: Look a gift horse in the mouth. Ghosts are crappy roommates.

06. The Grudge: Japanese people are creepy.

05. The Gift: Southerners are creepy. Especially when played by non-Southern Hollywood actors.

04. Cabin Fever: If everyone is getting very sick and nobody knows why, and you see the rotting corpse of a dead drifter floating in the reservoir, do not climb down a rickety-ass ladder to poke it with a stick.

03. Predator: If it bleeds, it can kill you. Also, when in doubt, get to da choppah.

02. Evil Dead/The Ring/Candyman/feardotcom: Don’t poke the bear. If you can avoid trouble, then do it. Don’t say the magic words, read from the forbidden book, watch the haunted video, screw with the killer computer or play the tape of the lost Kandarian incantations to raise the army of the dead. This might also be a good time to discuss chasing cars, wrestling gators and staring at the sun.

01. Wrong Turn/Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Pumpkinhead/House of Wax/Jeepers Creepers: If you’re out of cell phone range, you’re fucked.

I will add these few no brainers...

1. Texas Chainsaw/Wrong Turn -- Never...EVER...Go into a creepy redneck house uninvited. Or any house uninvited for that matter. If you knock on the door and it swings wide open and no one answers, make for the highway quick! Which leads us into...

2. Head for the highway quick! This seems to apply to every movie, except maybe High Tension, where the dude that pulls over to help gets, well, watch the movie.

3. Friday 13th, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm St., Slumber Party 1-37, pretty much any 80's movie-- Stay away from teenagers. They're like little horny death magnets.

4. Amityville, Evil Dead, Poltergeist, etc.-- When wierd stuff starts happening, leave. Do it now. Send for your things. (I realize in Evil Dead they tried to leave, but only Ash and the one girl, and not nearly as hard as I would have tried I can promise you...)

6. Pet Sematary (why do they spell it like that?), Pumpkinhead, etc-- don't try to bring your dead children back, and for god's sake don't go to creepy old swamp witches to get revenge for their death. I've seen hundreds of horror movies and I've yet to see one where that works out well. Speaking of creepy old women...

7. Skeleton Key, Misery, In the Mouth of Madness, etc. -- Stay away from creepy old women. They're never as nice as they'd have you believe.

8. Any movie made in the 50's-60's-- Don't pick up hitchhikers. If you can't afford a car, chances are you are a murderous madman.

9. Any movie made in the 70's -- Stay away from covens, antichrists, possessed children, and anything else "dark sided."

10. Any movie made in the 80's -- Stay away from camps, nice neighborhoods, and anywhere else teenagers congregate. And for god's sake, don't have sex. Sex kills. Usually with a chainsaw.

10a. Any movie made since 1994 -- Cell phones don't work for shit. Carry a gun.

I spit on your grave : don't put your ding dong in a girl's mouth when she's upset with you.

Yeah, that movie in particular works as a perfect negative example. Basically, don't do anything they do in that movie.