I'm not sure where this goes exactly. I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place.
I'm kinda new around here. I posted a little a while back, when I was struggling with memories coming at night. (I still am, but thanks for all of the suggestions. They have helped.)
I was abused by 2 different men, during two different times in my life. (Both related, but not immediate relatives).
The man who abused me when I was a very young child just died.
I'm confused. When I was going through the first anger stages in therapy I always thought I'd be glad when the two men died. But I'm not happy he died. I guess I'd always hoped in the back of my mind that maybe one day he would tell me what all he did to me. (I didn't remember the very young abuse until I was older and was abused for the second time. And I don't remember much, just bits and pieces and some of what people have told me.) But he couldn't tell me what he did because by the time I figured out my thoughts and memories and feelings, he was an old man. (80's) The older he became the more senial he was.
Please don't tell me that he's in hell and he's getting what he deserves... because I don't believe that. I don't feel that I can judge him. Although his actions were horrid, I don't feel I can condem him.
The problem is that I feel dead inside. I know I need to cry, but I haven't really been able to. I'm just depressed. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I'm grieving for my childhood and I'm a little angry at him, but nothing too intense. I just feel like there's a big hole in me. I don't know what to do.
Posted on Nov 5, 2001, 1:51 AM from IP address 204.189.115.237