...that it would be easier to accomplish if the behaviors were not ongoing and the efforts to continue to hurt and harrass were over. In the cases where the whole family has taken the side of the abuser, as is very common (this came to me via my therapist), it is a struggle to get anywhere at all. You think you are getting a grip and then another event occurs. I am going through a series of these events right now. I can't even forgive myself say anything about them.
I don't think my nonforgiveness is hurting me any, it is the continuing treatment of distain, the uncaring that hurts. I have a right to my feelings and I am outraged at what he was able to do to me. It was not only the brother, it was the foster father. I have then suffered a series of snubs during my life that make me feel like I am less than sh*t. That is what I am fighting, trying to feel like I am as worthy as a human although to tell you the truth by now I don't really feel much like one. I just don't have the same rights as other people. For instance, 2 and a half months ago I was driving on the freeway and was rammed from behind by a woman speeding up to pass. She was looking behind and trying to beat the car coming up behind her. She ran and just happened to take my exit in an effort to hide. I pulled up behind her where she was trapped behind a red light and took all info. The cops are saying that the address, phone number, description of driver do not match the owners on record. So sorry, they aren't looking any more. I have been in T for whiplash forever, my car is damaged but so sorry, they don't care.
My son and I were beaten up in a park to the tune of 3,000 in medical bills a few years back. Because the juvinile involved was a "regular", the park "lost" the records. (We were regulars too....) Couple years ago a car chased me down because of road rage, I was on foot. He hit me in the leg and caused 2,000 in medical bills. The city refused to prosecute.
Mother never stopped the perp. She LOVES him because he is the one who can pretend all is well. See a pattern here? Another forum owner decides she doesn't like me, gets attitude and says a few well chosen words so they all trash me and tell lies about me.....
I am tired and fed up and by now I'm barely worth knowing. Don't give me any pity, just think next time around about how it hurts to hear that there is forgiveness for anyone in this world, because I have been held apart and been forced into this "differentness", not because of the way I am or was, but because of circumstance.
Maybe I can learn to forgive if I ever once felt forgiven. Yeah I know there is an edge to my posts that wasn't there before. Guess you CAN push a person too far. Eventually even the quietest loving dog will growl if you kick long and hard enough. But my need is never quite great enough for anyone to give a sh*t. I have given and given in life and in these forums but when I need it's just not there. I'm bad, I weird, I'm a rotten person. Bitterness was never there before, but I'm finally dealing with all this heavy sh*t from long ago and it is making 3D a living hell. It has to do with forgiving yourself. But how can you do that if nobody else can?
Nobody Perfect
Posted on Apr 3, 2002, 6:34 AM from IP address 65.25.234.102