Healing Our Lives (Moderated)

This is a place of connection and healing for survivors of childhood abuse. Please note that the banner below is not by my choice, but is necessary for me to be able to provide you with this free site. Other places of interest include Angry Expressions where you can express you anger, and Memory Meadow where you can share your memories. Also, please feel free to go to Healing Our Lives Chat to talk in real time with other survivors, or I have started another chat room which you can access by clicking the button below.

If no one is there, and/or you want to chat with just me, you may do so whenever I am online by clicking on the button below:

plz help me

by Jayde (no login)

i want him to stop hurting me but nobody listens

Posted on Nov 24, 2001, 9:41 AM
from IP address 210.49.20.22

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Hi Jayde

by Colleen (no login)

I'm listening.....
Colleen

Posted on Nov 24, 2001, 10:15 AM
from IP address 205.188.200.154

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Jayde

by Margaret (no login)

We'll listen-
go ahead, talk
Margaret

Posted on Nov 24, 2001, 4:24 PM
from IP address 205.188.200.48

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Re: plz help me

by Jayde (no login)

i wrote a note with some things so my folks could find it and they said that i will go to hell for writing lies but i wrote no lies its all truth. He said they would say that and if i told them he will hurt me more now im scared my folks will tell him what i wrote and i dont know what to do no more i just want him to stop. he says im bad but im not and i try to be better but he says im only good when i do things i dont like. i tried to run away but i got caught and they sent me back home ,i want him to leave me alone,.

Posted on Nov 24, 2001, 7:36 PM
from IP address 210.49.20.22

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Deja vous

by (no login)

Jayde - Never would I have imagined reading something on this board that I thought I could have written. First of all, I would like to say that you are not alone and we are here to listen to you. We will not judge you. You are a child of God and because of this you deserve only the best. When you ran away did you tell whomever it was that brought you back home that this person was hurting you? Please contact someone - other than your parents. The police would be a good place to start. If you are in school, a school counselor. Someone you trust. Please do it for yourself. They don't stop unless they're stopped.

I will pray for you. You will always be in my thoughts.

Dibella

Posted on Nov 25, 2001, 12:54 PM
from IP address 63.231.227.18

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Jayde

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

First I want to let you know that I agree with the others who have written...we are here, we are listening, and we will not judge you. You are right that you are not bad. You do not deserve for him to be hurting you, and you do deserve for it to stop. I am sorry your parents do not believe you...unfortunately, that is common. Dibella had some good advice regarding finding someone else to tell...the police or a school counselor. Does your abuser live with you? If so, you can contact the Department of Human Services to get you or him removed from the home. Keep in mind that not all foster homes are good homes, but there definately are some good ones out there as well. In any case, you deserve to be safe. If there is anything any of us can do for you, please ask. I know we are limited here online, but we are here, never-the-less. I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing. You matter.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 26, 2001, 11:35 AM
from IP address 65.85.249.194

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Hi ?

by Colleen (no login)

Not really new... someone else in my system posts a bit and the kids post a lot on A Safe Place. Just feeling the need to connect with others who are in the same place, feeling overwhelmed and really responsible.
Hope to get to know you,
Colleen

Posted on Nov 20, 2001, 10:42 PM
from IP address 205.188.201.212

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Welcome Colleen!

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I'm very pleased to meet you and look forward to getting to know you! You are always welcome to post here...there are some wonderful women here, and I hope you will feel at home.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 21, 2001, 7:35 AM
from IP address 152.163.206.214

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Hi Terrie

by Colleen (no login)

Thanks for the welcome. I hope to get to know the people here.
Colleen

Posted on Nov 23, 2001, 9:47 PM
from IP address 64.12.103.41

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hi!

by dawni (no login)

hi colleen! nice to meet you.

i'm dawni (well obviously and i'm 18 (nearly 19, woo). i'm also one of many tho lucky enough to be same age as the body

just wanted to say hi, and welcome.

love, dawni

Posted on Nov 21, 2001, 5:37 PM
from IP address 203.164.84.103

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Hi Dawni

by Colleen (no login)

Thanks for the welcome. This seems like a pretty nice place... I hope to be able to post often and fit in.
Take care,
Colleen

Posted on Nov 23, 2001, 9:48 PM
from IP address 64.12.103.41

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hi colleen

by Margaret (no login)

i can relate to those feelings...
be gentle with yourself...
nice to meet you
Margaret

Posted on Nov 23, 2001, 8:08 PM
from IP address 64.12.104.39

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Hi Margaret

by Colleen (no login)

Wow, someone understands...
Nice to meet you, too.
Take care,
Colleen

Posted on Nov 23, 2001, 9:49 PM
from IP address 64.12.103.41

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sad and confused. mt maybe

by alex (Login rynn)
Learning To Thrive

got the news today. my mom is dying. they don't think she'll last until xmas.

she's dying of old age and apathy.

she's dying of unfulfilled dreams and futility.

she's dying.

my mother.

i've cried and cried.

oh the grief. yet, over whom? the mother i remember was cruel and thoughtless. i think i weep for the mother she never was and now can never be.

i only know that i'm about to lose my mom.
crying crying crying.
and i don't have the money to go and see her and say goodbye, or to go after she dies. it's all messed up.

alex


Posted on Nov 17, 2001, 7:45 PM
from IP address 205.162.15.2

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alex

by Terry (no login)

I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you during this time.

Terry

Posted on Nov 17, 2001, 10:23 PM
from IP address 203.166.44.251

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hi

by (Login rynn)
Learning To Thrive

i posted once but it didn't show up. i hope this doesn't double post.

thanks. it means so much to come here and know that someone heard me.

alex

Posted on Nov 18, 2001, 7:00 PM
from IP address 205.162.15.2

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{{{{{{{{{{{Alex}}}}}}}}}}}}}

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I imagine it must be so hard to be losing your mom, even if she was not the mom you wanted and deserved. I am here to hold you and comfort you in any way I can. Where does she live? I'm sorry you can't go say goodbye. It's ok to feel any feelings you are feeling, though....sadness, grief, anger, whatever. I love you Alex...

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 18, 2001, 3:42 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.39

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hiya

by (Login rynn)
Learning To Thrive

summerville, south carolina. about as far away from here as anyone can get. it's right next to charleston.

sigh.

i love you, too, terrie. i'm not feeling up to talking much on the phone or else i'd call. i just feel like i don't have a lot to say...about anything. numb, i guess.

huggles to you,
alex and jonah

Posted on Nov 18, 2001, 6:58 PM
from IP address 205.162.15.2

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((((Alex))))

by Maggie (no login)

Alex, I'm so sorry. Sorry she's dying but mostly sorry that you never had the mom you needed. I think you are very wise to realize that you are grieving for the mom she never was and now can never be. Whatever tiny bit of hope you had in your heart that one day she would love and appreciate you as you deserve, that is a tiny bit of hope that it hurts to give up.

Wishing you peace and love in the family you have made for yourself,

Maggie

Posted on Nov 18, 2001, 9:07 PM
from IP address 63.204.113.107

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Having a tough morning

by Terry (no login)

Had a really tough t session yesterday most of it spent talking about my Mum and how in so many ways she has let me down. Today I feel so guilty for saying those things about her and have this overwhelming feeling that how she is as mother is all my fault some how. I know thats not the reality but its hard to keep it straight in my head today.

To top things off I cut the top off my finger while cutting up some meat for dinner and it hurts and the little bird we found and were caring for was not well today so I had to take it to the fauna rehab people, which I know was the right and responsible thing to do but I just feel sad about it.

So, as you can see I'm a bundle of misery this morning. Think it might be time to go to bed!!

Terry

Posted on Nov 15, 2001, 9:04 PM
from IP address 203.166.44.251

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hey Terry

by Margaret (no login)

Sorry it's been a rough morning- sounds like a lot of things happening at once.
You're right though the thoughts about how your mom is being your fault are definitely not reality based!
I can relate to mom's letting you down though- very familiar feeling for me.
Sorry about your finger- did you get stiches?
I'll think happy thoughts for your little feathered friend.
Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.
Margaret
PS Tell Cassie hi for me.

Posted on Nov 16, 2001, 7:29 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.166

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Hi Margaret

by Terry (no login)

Things are better today, still can't believe I said some things to t that I did about Mum and still working on accepting my feelings and not feeling guilty for having them ....... the feelings that is.

The finger is ok just a bit sore still, didn't need stitches. As for the liitle bird he died, the fauna rehab people couldn't help him.

Thanks so much for your kindness, I have passed on the hello to Cassie.

Terry

Posted on Nov 17, 2001, 9:59 PM
from IP address 203.166.44.251

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Terry

by (no login)

Hi, Terry. Sorry you had such a horrible morning. I hope things have settled down. You are entitled to be angry with your mother for not protecting the child. I can relate because that's what I'm going through right now. By no means is it your fault. You were a child and it was her responsibility to protect you. But, I also understand the feeling of betrayal of being angry with her.

I certainly hope things are better. My thoughts are with you.

Dibella

Posted on Nov 17, 2001, 9:08 AM
from IP address 63.161.12.129

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Hi Dibella

by Terry (no login)

Thanks for responding. Things have settled again and I'm doing ok. This "stuff" around my Mum is really difficult for me, I actually did pretty well to even talk about it with my t, I usually shy away from any talk about Mum.

Thanks again for your kindness.

Terry

Posted on Nov 17, 2001, 10:09 PM
from IP address 203.166.44.251

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Mum's

by (no login)

I'm not sure if it helps or not or even if you like to talk about it, but thought that maybe sharing with you might help. I was 13 when I first disclosed my abuse to my parents. Nothing was ever done about it. Life went on as usual. I was hospitalized twice for attempted suicide - couldn't take it anymore - the secret ate me up. The last time was a little over 3 years ago. I just found the courage now to stand up to my mother and she doesn't like it one bit. I use to worry about what she'd say or that she would cast me out even more. I tried for years to be the daughter she wanted and to do things her way (i.e. keep the secret, go on like nothing ever happened, love my brother like a younger sister is suppose to, but even he kept casting me out even when I did try to make things ok). So, just recently I have made the decision to do things my way. I have told my secret to the rest of the family (which, I have just found out was never told to ANYONE of the 10 kids in this family, which has made me even more angry because I've always held the reputation in this family as being the trouble maker, the one who makes waves, the one with all the "head" problems) Well, now they know why. All these years I thought that she had let them know what was going on when she never did. My sisters tell me she never said a word and they never asked. They figured I was just a troubled teen. So, I am now sticking up for me. Standing up for me and the child that was never protected. I refuse to go to any function that my brother is at and my mother has choose to deal with it by canceling all the holidays. This is how she "deals" with things. By not dealing with it. We have argued to no end - back and forth - of me telling her I do not consider him my brother and she yells back that he's still her son. I have never felt the inner peace I feel now after standing up to her and doing what I think should be done for me. She thinks I'm living in the past and I've explained to her that no, I am living in the present and trying to make for a good future. To do that I must face my past. Basically, I let her do what she wants. She knows that if my brother is there then she can count me out. So far, I've been counted out.

So, I certainly hope this helps. Sometimes hearing someone else's story helps. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Dibella

Posted on Nov 18, 2001, 12:08 PM
from IP address 63.231.226.137

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{{{{{{{{Terrie}}}}}}}}}

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

Guess what sweetie...it's ok to have feelings about how your mum treated you, and it does not make you a bad kid nor does it make it your fault. Your mum is/was human and did not do a perfect job. She let you down. You have a right to have feelings about that. It doesn't mean you don't love her, but only that you are unhappy about some of her behaviors. I know sometimes it is hard to seperate the person from the behaviors, but it is very possible to hate someone's behaviors and still love them as a person (or as a mum, even). I hope you feel better soon, and I hope the bird will be ok too. I know you have done the best you could with it, and it is very lucky to have been with you. I love you, dear friend....

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 17, 2001, 9:59 AM
from IP address 152.163.207.202

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Hi Terrie

by Terry (no login)

MY Mum did let me down and in many ways she continues to do so. Very early this year I realised that while I love her as my Mum I don't really like the person she is, very self centered. So I've come a long way in being able to seperate the person and the behaviours but I still feel bad saying negative things about her.

I feel better than I did on Friday, thankfully and not quite so guilty for some off the things I said to my t but....

The little bird died, everyone is very sad.

Thanks for saying "it does not make you a bad kid"

much love

Terry

Posted on Nov 17, 2001, 10:20 PM
from IP address 203.166.44.251

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{{{{{{{{{{{{Terry}}}}}}}}}}}}}

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I just realized I had spelled your name in my last post as if it were my name. LOL. I guess my fingers are just so used to typing it that way. In any case, the hugs are for YOU! I am sorry about the bird, and I send safe comforting hugs to anyone who wants them. I am glad you are feeling better about the things you said about your mum. You deserve to heal.

I love you,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 18, 2001, 3:40 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.39

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the grandfather (MT - death)

by dawni (no login)

the grandfather passed away today
11 am on november 11. how.. fitting? i don't know
i can't deal with this so for now i'll just pretend i've already dealt with it. does that make sense?

Posted on Nov 10, 2001, 10:07 PM
from IP address 203.164.84.103

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dawni

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I'm so sorry for your loss...it's ok to pretend for now that you've already dealt with it. I'm here for you if you decide you want to talk about it.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 6:48 PM
from IP address 152.163.207.191

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thanks terrie

by dawni (no login)

hi terrie.. thanks..

skipped the funeral.. but found out a few more things from my mum, as i felt ready to deal with htem..

apparently they followed all his wishes except the brass band (he said he wanted lots & lots & lots of flowers, none of that "bob was a good bloke" stuff, laughing and singing and happy things.. an my uncle said "you want a brass band with that dad?" and he said "yeah, that'd be nice.." lol but tho they tried, they couldn't organise it for him)..

but turns out he died on the stroke of eleven.. coz just as they all 'knew' .. the last post sounded. good timing huh?

anbyway it's still kinda hard and painful to think about.. but i know hes' happy now and i'm starting to deal with it slowly, in my own way..

love, dawni

Posted on Nov 16, 2001, 8:50 PM
from IP address 203.164.84.103

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I need true friends

by Tam (no login)

I have been so down & I truthfully don't want to go on. I can't find love anywhere. People say they love me & then turn & run. It hurts so bad. I don't get sleep either. I am on a diet & had lost 22 pounds almost two weeks ago. I am so depressed. All I ever wanted was to have friends. Why can't I manage that. I must be an idiot to think someone could ever love me. I am useless & worthless. Sorry Tam

Posted on Nov 10, 2001, 5:21 PM
from IP address 216.24.68.222

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Tam

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I know how hard it can be to find good, loyal friends. And yes, it really can be depressing at times. It does not mean, however, that you are useless and worthless, even though you feel that way. You are a good person...I saw that very clearly from when you first started writing. And frankly, if someone else can't see that in you, they are not good enough for you, in my opinion. I hope you feel better soon. I know how hard depression is, as I've been there more than once. I'm here for you if you need to talk.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 6:42 PM
from IP address 152.163.207.191

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Hi Tam

by Terry (no login)

You sound so sad, it is a horrible place to be in when you feel so alone and uncared for. I have been in that place many times myself.

What i have learnt though is that our depression tells us lies, yes I know the feelings seem so very real but if you can look a little harder then you will see that there are people that care and there are people that don't for one minute think you are worthless or useless.

Hang in there Tam, be proud of the efforts you have put into losing weight, in the effort it took to share with us how you feel and know that I do care about you.

Terry

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 9:46 PM
from IP address 202.139.58.246

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Holidays

by (no login)

<<sigh>> Well, here's a surprise. My sister and I went out shopping last night and she got to the store before I did. I walked in and she says, "Come here. I'm going to get mom this book." So I follow her in to the book store and she grabs this book with a title of something about No More Christmas or something to that affect. I asked her why she'd get that. To which her reply was, "I was talking to mom tonight and she said she's not doing the holidays anymore." I'll give you all one guess why. I told her (my sister) that if it's a ploy to make me feel guilty, it's not working. She said she's tired of her (our mom's) attitude towards the whole thing and she'd just love to go up there and slap her. I mentioned the fact that the only reason she's being like this is because now she has to face it and deal with it. And this is her way of "dealing" with things. She cannot handle the fact that her son's a perverted freak. That book that Terrie recommended to me has helped me tremendously. Thank you, Terrie. That book has my life down to a "T".

So, it appears that I am the cause for some more family "issues". Which really makes me mad. For 17 years I have been the one who has made waves in the family. The problem child. The "rebel." Now, I find out that the reason for this is because my parents never told anyone what I was trying to deal with. Now, it's out and mother is canceling the holidays because Of... me. Oh, mercy. I can't believe I held my life in this woman's hands.

Posted on Nov 10, 2001, 12:14 PM
from IP address 63.231.147.127

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Dibella

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I figure that if your mom doesn't want to do the holiday season anymore, that's her problem, not yours. You have not done anything to "cause" her to make this decision...she made it all by herself. And if she'd rather support a pervert of a son than a hurting daughter, then I would say she doesn't really have true Christmas spirit anyway. I'm sorry that your family is continuing to punish you for what your brother did wrong...it certainly is not fair. I'm so glad, though, that the book I recommended has helped you so much, and I continue to support you in your healing.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 6:18 PM
from IP address 152.163.207.191

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Hi Dibella

by Terry (no login)

Just wanted to say Hello and express my sorrow for the hard time your family are giving you.

Terry

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 9:51 PM
from IP address 202.139.58.246

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Laugh

by (no login)

Thank you for your support. It's very hard for me. My oldest daughter is very close to Gramma and I'm dreading the turn-out of this. I'm very angry that my mother cannot seem to deal with this in a more responsible manner. When I told her I wouldn't have anything to do with him, she told me that I've made my decision but she knows one thing: It doesn't pay to live in the past. I bit my tongue. I wanted so bad to say, "How can I not live in the past? I never lived in the present. I have to live somewhere." However, I told my sister that in order for me to move on I have to deal with my past. I fear my mother's the one living in the past, not me. And when I hear some of the things she's saying, I just laugh. I can just hear my step-sisters now. "Mom's not having Thanksgiving or Christmas because 'Dibella' won't have anything to do with 'Scott'". See, my fault, once again. lol as I'm laughing again.

Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me.

Posted on Nov 12, 2001, 11:17 AM
from IP address 63.161.12.129

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Hi everyone

by Terry (no login)

I haven't been around for a while...been working real hard on living in the present and not being so triggered by events long gone. It hasn't been easy but I'm starting to see and feel the benefits. We are all less "scared" than a few months ago and more at peace inside. Also started on a lose weight, get fit regime and while it is early days my body is feeling so much better and I am feeling more connected to it!

See you all again soon

Terry

ps Terrie.. so sorry we missed your birthday, looks like you had a day filled with love which is beautiful.

Posted on Nov 8, 2001, 5:47 PM
from IP address 203.166.44.251

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{{{{{{{{{{{{Terry}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I sure did miss you while you were busy, but I'm so glad to see you back. And you didn't really miss my birthday...you were right here in my heart! I'm glad you are feeling better, physically and emotionally! You deserve all the good that life can offer you. I love you so much!

Safe hugs,
Terrie

P.S. I'm in love........hehe

Posted on Nov 9, 2001, 6:13 PM
from IP address 152.163.206.204

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Terrie

by Terry (no login)

Thanks for the warm hello, I think I am only starting to really see that I do deserve to feel ok inside this skin of mine. It is good to feel more relaxed and ok than I have for such a long long time.

Now onto more important things.......who is she? How long have you been seeing her? what does she look like? .....tell me all.......I just love romance..ahh

Terry

Posted on Nov 10, 2001, 4:27 AM
from IP address 203.166.44.251

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LOLOL

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

You are so full of questions, dear one! hehe. So, here I go....her name is Shelia, and she is 35 (only about 2 months older than me). She is cute...short brown hair, glasses, a bit heavyset. Very funny, too. And patient!!! I never met a woman more patient with me.... We've not been dating very long, really....less than a month....but it feels like it's been so much longer, only in a good way.

I must disagree with you about one thing you said though....my new love may be important, but you are JUST AS important (so, going from you feeling more relaxed and ok onto asking about my new romance was not moving on to more important things, it was just moving on from one important thing to another!). You are so very precious to me Terry! Very much so! I'm so glad you're back...I missed you.

Love and hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 5:54 PM
from IP address 152.163.207.191

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Hi friend

by Terry (no login)

Now that my questions are answered I have a wonderful mental picture of Shelia and I can see the smile on your face from here!!! I just think it is wonderful that you have a special love in your life again and one that is able to be good and kind to you.

You are such a special lady and I have missed you to.

Much love
Terry

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 9:27 PM
from IP address 202.139.58.246

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hi

by dawni (no login)

hi terry
i don't know you yet. but welcome back and hello.

glad your lose weight, get fit regime has the body feeling lots better and stuff wish ours would! fiance has us on a get fit one.. and wants to detox of all the bad stuff in our body (unhealthy foods and stuff) and all it's done is made us feel yucky and unfit lol but i'm sure it'll be better eventually or something

anyway, nice to meet you.

love, dawni

Posted on Nov 10, 2001, 4:42 AM
from IP address 203.164.84.103

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Hi dawni

by Terry (no login)

Thanks for the hello, I am sure we will get to know each other over time. I have been a regular visitor to Terries site for some time but when life overwhelms me I tend to retreat from everything..hence my absence over the last few months.

I was sorry to read above of the recent loss of your grandfather. I hope during this difficult time you can take extra special care of you.

Oh, good luck with the get fit regime your fiance has you on. It has taken me a good month to really start to feel the benefits of mine.

Speak to you soon

Terry

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 9:33 PM
from IP address 202.139.58.246

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Hi Terry!!!

by Elizabeth (no login)

Terry Terry Terry! You have been sorely missed! Glad to hear that you are feeling better and sounds like you are working really hard as well. Is it my imagination or are we all watching what we are eating? You do not know my girls but they are happy to see your name 'up in lights' again: they still sit and discuss the Terry/Terrie controversy (is it true that two names can be so alike!) What a treat it was to see your message.
Elizabeth

Posted on Nov 10, 2001, 3:59 PM
from IP address 152.163.194.206

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Hi Elizabeth :)

by Terry (no login)

Thankyou, thankyou for the lovely welcome back.

How have you been?

How sweet to hear that your girls liked seeing my name back on the boards. Hi girls I hope you are having a happy day. It is strange isn't it that there should be two of us with the same name, its just as well we spell them differently

Take care
Terry

Posted on Nov 11, 2001, 9:38 PM
from IP address 202.139.58.246

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sleep please

by Hopey... (no login)

I know that it seems like I sleep, but little dreams and then big dreams, noises, anything wakes us up
This may be a stupid question but, if you quit smoking can that keep you up at night?
I know stress can and remembering can and retraumatization can.
I just want to be able to say, yes, I slept last night without some kind of excuse or mumble.
My body is aching cuz of fibro which usually comes during stress and no sleep. that makes us wake up and take another pain pill in the middle of the night.
I just realized that the new fam dr has lowered the strength on it by half cuz we were taking it more than once a day if we were in pain and let me tell ya, we needed the higher dosage.
Well, busy today around the house.
I decided to write and illustrate each of my girls a book for Christmas. No money, but nice gifts that will bring tears and giggles from their mom. I love them.
Hopey...

Posted on Nov 8, 2001, 11:29 AM
from IP address 205.188.199.174

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Hi Hopey

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I'm sorry you are not sleeping well. I hope that situation is remedied soon. I know it's hard when you can't sleep, and when your sleep is interrupted. I am glad you are making those books for your girls. I think they will like those alot.

Love you lots,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 8, 2001, 4:48 PM
from IP address 205.188.192.174

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Alex, wrote below

by Hopey... (no login)

We are thankful for friends who care
Hopey...

Posted on Nov 7, 2001, 4:54 PM
from IP address 64.12.102.158

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struggling with feelings

by Sarah (no login)

I'm not sure where this goes exactly. I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I'm kinda new around here. I posted a little a while back, when I was struggling with memories coming at night. (I still am, but thanks for all of the suggestions. They have helped.)

I was abused by 2 different men, during two different times in my life. (Both related, but not immediate relatives).

The man who abused me when I was a very young child just died.

I'm confused. When I was going through the first anger stages in therapy I always thought I'd be glad when the two men died. But I'm not happy he died. I guess I'd always hoped in the back of my mind that maybe one day he would tell me what all he did to me. (I didn't remember the very young abuse until I was older and was abused for the second time. And I don't remember much, just bits and pieces and some of what people have told me.) But he couldn't tell me what he did because by the time I figured out my thoughts and memories and feelings, he was an old man. (80's) The older he became the more senial he was.

Please don't tell me that he's in hell and he's getting what he deserves... because I don't believe that. I don't feel that I can judge him. Although his actions were horrid, I don't feel I can condem him.

The problem is that I feel dead inside. I know I need to cry, but I haven't really been able to. I'm just depressed. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I'm grieving for my childhood and I'm a little angry at him, but nothing too intense. I just feel like there's a big hole in me. I don't know what to do.

Posted on Nov 5, 2001, 1:51 AM
from IP address 204.189.115.237

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sarah

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I'm so glad you wrote here. I know what that depression feels like, even though my circumstances were different. And I know that it is hard to now know that you will never get the admission of guilt that would have been so validating for you. It's ok to grieve the loss....you are grieving the loss of the dreams you had but never came true, and of the childhood you wanted and never had. That is so common. I am here to support you through this. Please know that you are not alone.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 6, 2001, 7:21 AM
from IP address 205.188.192.161

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Back again

by (Login fraggles)

It's been a difficult few weeks, I'm looking for a new job as I've had enough of spending 10 hours a day in an office I hate. I've become very insular on purpose as I'm changing quite a lot of the areas of my life but don't want my friends to know if I fail. I've quit smoking today, stopped drinking for the moment, started doing regular exercise, sorted out my eating habits and started doing yoga. Hopefully I might start getting some energy back while also getting more than 3 hours sleep a night. I'm hoping I might finally be able to start relaxing rather than being on guard 24 hours a day. I have also started writing everything down as I need to stop thinking about everything all the time. The hard part is going to be keeping going, finding the strength to keep it up when I won't see the benfits for a few months, especially when I am purposefully excluding my friends. I might have to call upon this forum for some moral support.

I was also wondering if there was anyone here from England, especially London, as it would be good to actually meet up with someone to talk as I still feel pretty isolated and different from my friends despite their best efforts.

Em

Posted on Nov 4, 2001, 8:44 AM
from IP address 62.6.79.169

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Emma

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I'm so glad to see you back! How is the job search going? I don't blame you for looking, as I wouldn't want to be working 10 hours per day either, especially in an office that I didn't like. And good for you for making so many positive changes in your life! The way I look at it, even if you "fail" at one or two, you will still have succeeded in making some changes. The only real change I've made has been in my diet, and that has been just watching what I eat for the purpose of controlling my high cholestorol. So far I've lost 20 lbs, which I really needed to lose, even though it wasn't my goal in watching my diet. Anyway, please know that you are more than welcome to come here for moral support.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 5, 2001, 5:47 PM
from IP address 205.188.200.24

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sick!

by dawni (no login)

bah.. why does everything have to go wrong all at once?
we have tonsillitis.. yuck should be resting but sitting up to take 2 of 6 tablets for today.. and they taste like bannaa gone wrong hehe. contemplating taking 3 in the morning and three at night.. rather than 2 in morning, 2 at lunch and 2 at night.. but we'll see. they're GROSS and they hurt.

Posted on Nov 1, 2001, 5:43 PM
from IP address 203.164.84.103

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Dawni

by Elizabeth (no login)

ouch ouch ouch!!! tonsilitus is VERY yucky indeed! Now: you know you have to rest and take your medication as prescribed (bad bannana's and all) so that you won't have as much pain and the fun can begin. Feel better, boo!
Elizabeth

Posted on Nov 1, 2001, 10:05 PM
from IP address 64.12.103.47

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dawni

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

Hi there....I sure hope you are feeling better. Tonsillitis sucks.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 5, 2001, 5:28 PM
from IP address 205.188.200.24

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Hopey...and Riley

by (Login rynn)
Learning To Thrive

Just know that you have my support. It's all too familiar to those here.

I know you must be hurting. If you need to talk, Terrie has my phone number. I'll be around.

Love,
Alex and Savi

Posted on Oct 31, 2001, 5:40 PM
from IP address 205.162.15.2

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thanks!

by Hopey... (no login)

Talking about it doesn't make what happened go away. We think that just letting go and moving on is best for us. There will always people who manipulate situations to their own benefit. They are called the "bad" guys. We aren't "bad" guys and sometimes it takes a lot of convincing, but that's one of the reasons riley...is inside.
Actually, I'm enjoying where we are staying and have made several new friends and they know who I am and who "we" are and they don't mind at all. I'm saddened about the littles inside, but we are going to meet another DID friend soon and they have littles who might be able to help.
If we didn't have our great-aunt to bug soon, hey, maybe we would come to Washington. Right now, we do have responsibilities.
We're back in a very nice church that has all kinds of people in it. It's not just glbt, but for everyone who loves J*s*s.
Even with the stuff at the other place, which wasn't too nice, we are okay.
When we start treating others the way we have been treated, then we are not doing so hot.
If we need to talk, we will get ahold of Terrie and get your phone number...we just don't want to make this into a bigger deal than it is. We know we didn't do anything wrong...so, what does it matter what others think?
You are great friends!
says Hope...who has pink paint on her hands from doing some paintig today and it is not looking like finger nail polish...*sigh*

Posted on Nov 7, 2001, 4:53 PM
from IP address 64.12.102.158

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Where is everybody?

by (no login)

It seems that the boards don't have as much participation as usual. I'm hoping that's a good sign.

Posted on Oct 29, 2001, 1:17 PM
from IP address 63.161.12.129

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Just a vicious circle

by (no login)

My oldest (and thought most trusted and understanding) sister sent me an email today.

She wrote: "i've been meaning to talk to you about this thing with ____ and you not wanting to get pictures taken also! ___'s not going to care if your there or not and the rest of us will so i dont see why you cant just do this for all of us and mom and 'step-dad'? no one said you had to talk to him or even stand near him? does _____ even know why your mad at him? have you talked to him lately about it? maybe you should email him a nice long letter or something, because you would feel much better to get it off your chest!!! like i just did??? so give me a call later .."

I lined out the name because he doesn't deserve to have one. I should actually tell you his name in case any of you know him, so you know exactly what he's about. But that would be vindictive. I consulted an attorney yesterday to inquire about whether or not I can press any charges against him for what he's done to me. I doubt it though, but still waiting for a response. I'm very disappointed in her email. I thought, of all people, she would understand. My step-sisters have no clue what even happened, so they are all mad at me for ruining their picture. My beau tells me to tell them that it's none of their business, but that vindictive side of me would love to tell them just what a sleezeball he is. I'm tempted to copy the pages out of the book Secret Survivors and send it to all of them. Why are our feelings always dismissed? How can they even want to get a "family picture" taken when it's so dysfuntional? Here we have brothers and their friends - 8 and 9 years older than their sister - who molest her for YEARS and a mother who wants to assume that everything's ok. That we are still a "family" per say. Three years ago this would have tore me apart. But, thanks to you wonderful people on this board, it doesn't bother me as much. Just makes me dislike them for even having the gall to ask.

Posted on Oct 25, 2001, 11:41 AM
from IP address 63.161.12.129

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My thoughts...

by (no login)

It sounds as if your sister does not know what happened (please correct me if I'm wrong...I don't want to assume anything). Either way, I would not consider it vindictive to tell her or anyone else what he did. And I also think that copying some pages out of Secret Survivors would not be vindictive, but could be educational. Perhaps they are all dysfunctional enough not to pay any attention to it, but it would mean that you would have done your part in trying to help them understand why it IS such a big deal. In any case, I am glad you are taking care of you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 26, 2001, 11:10 AM
from IP address 65.85.249.194

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is this okay?

by Hope... (no login)

Last night we had an inside meeting cuz things are a bit unstable. Not everyone could attend, like riley...
She's just not doing so hot.
They voted for me to change my age all the way up to 18 or 19. I can't do that old. I don't feel all the way up there. Now, breezy...is 16 and I feel older than her and ryder...is 15 and he's like my brother. Dorrieanne is 17 and I guess that's where I feel right.
Since I'm gonna be upfront a lot for a little while, I have to think about this. I was 13 and got married and had children and took care of a home and part of a big business and a littler one, did all the mom and wife stuff.
When I look at pictures of me younger....I don't identify with the picture of me as thirteen, but I do identify myself with my senior picture and pictures around that age. That was taken when I was still 17. And at 17, I had started to know that something was wrong...especially at school. I guess there were 3 of us at school,
I guess I'm asking...is it normal (now that's a funny word) for co-hosts that were younger to change their age?
I actually started when the body was almost 12.
Now, I have to pull 42 off. wow...I've been around and up front most of 30 years. I'm just helping out for this time that ri...needs to take care of herself. Then she can definitely have this job back....or maybe it was meant to be shared and I just haven't had much opportunity in the last 2 years for sure.
I write too much, I know.
Can I have feedback cuz this is a hard one for me?
Hope...
p.s. is it still all right then to be called Hopey...sometimes?

Posted on Oct 23, 2001, 8:35 AM
from IP address 205.188.199.23

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Hi Hopey

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I know I've talked to you in person, but wanted to answer you here too. Yes, it is "normal" for some co-hosts to change their age. I know several who have done so, in fact. And of course you can still be called Hopey... You will still be you, just with a different age. And it appears that you already are that age, but just don't have the numbers to go with it. I know it's kinda scary to change things like that, but I believe you have it in your to get through the changes, and you know I am here with you and will support you and talk to you if you need or want that, ok? I love you Hopey.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 24, 2001, 7:23 AM
from IP address 205.188.198.52

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(*(*(*(*(*Terrie*)*)*)*)*) ~..~

by Hopey... (no login)

I know that you are here for me and everyone and that is just about the kindest thing we have all ever felt.
I'm giving it a try...ok? I know that ri...isn't functioning in a healthy capacity right now and this will keep us a little safer.
thanks for calling me Hopey...
I love (luf) you back!
Hope...

Posted on Oct 24, 2001, 12:19 PM
from IP address 64.12.107.26

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Hi

by Shellie (no login)

I hope it's ok if I respond... I'm pretty shy usually about writing here, but I can really understand what you're saying in this post.
For the longest time inside, I was 15 and the helpful one, aways watching over the littlest ones and taking over the outside for the "host" (for lack of a better word) when necessary. Almost 4 years ago, our "host" went deep inside and I was sort of forced to take over the outside life. It took a while before I was comfortable with it, but I have slowly aged myself to now being 21 and even though that's not the body age, tthis is where I'm most comfortable and I can still take care of the outside the best I can. I dont know if this is helpful in any way, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone and I can understand what it's like to make these kinds of changes.
Shellie

Posted on Oct 28, 2001, 8:18 PM
from IP address 205.188.192.169

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oops... p.s.

by Shellie (no login)

As far as liking to be called Hopey now and then, I say go for it! Our t was often encouraging me to change my name to respond better to the body's name, but that is something I dont want to do, I like being called SHellie and I think that if I changed it, I would be losing part of who me is.
Take care, Hopey...
Shellie

Posted on Oct 28, 2001, 8:20 PM
from IP address 205.188.192.169

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I'm proposing it a birthday week for Terrie

by riley... (no login)

She's still beaming at all the love and friends she has and declared yesterday the best birthday ever...so Hope...and suzie...and I have decided to declare it birthday week if you'd like.
Ya know, sometimes you just don't want the fun to end
LOL!!!!
oh yeah, and for those of you who don't already know, suzie...has declared Terrie 48 years old! Yay!
...............duck........
uhmmmmm......sorry there Terrie........duck.....ow!
hehehehe
48 years NOT!!!!!!!
she's still a baby.
but it sure is fun teasing her.......duck again.....
woah!
ok....she's got to be at least 21....
LOL!
ri...

Posted on Oct 22, 2001, 8:44 AM
from IP address 205.188.198.168

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she's definitely older than

by Margaret (no login)

21!!!
she's at least 29 with like maybe 6 years experience I'd say!!!
several here classify her as ancient...
thank goodness she's got a few years on me!!!
I'm all for a birthday week.
Margaret

Posted on Oct 22, 2001, 1:13 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.183

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hehehe

by Hope... (no login)

now, ancient? really?
that's cute
Hope...

Posted on Oct 22, 2001, 3:56 PM
from IP address 152.163.195.204

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Yayayyayaya!!!!!

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I get to celebrate all week! Yipee!!!!!

Beaming,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 22, 2001, 6:15 PM
from IP address 64.12.102.176

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Martha swimming with seals

by Maggie (no login)

I know there is someone who reads here who would enjoy this story so:

Last night Martha and her big brother went out on a boat into the ocean. They got "wet suits" to stay warm. They got fins and masks and scuba stuff to breathe under the water. They wanted to get lobster. Most of the time it is against the rules to get lobster, but right now it is ok.

The plan was to shine a flashlight into holes in the rocks. Then they would see the lobster and grab them. But guess what? There were lots of very smart seals there. The seals knew about the divers with the flashlights. They followed them around and when the light shined on a lobster, those seals would be fast and get to it first.

Martha did not mind too much because she liked swimming with the seals and getting to pet them. Also they got lots of fish. She misses you and hopes you are ok.

Maggie

Posted on Oct 21, 2001, 3:43 PM
from IP address 207.212.95.203

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good story!!

by dawni & petals (no login)

smiles i doubt if this story was to us, but we enjoyed it anyway :P

love dawni & petals

Posted on Oct 21, 2001, 5:28 PM
from IP address 203.164.84.103

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Hi dawni and petals

by Maggie (no login)

Nice to meet you. You are right, that I posted the story for someone else, but I am glad you enjoyed it. You would like Martha too

Posted on Oct 21, 2001, 9:06 PM
from IP address 207.212.95.212

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Happy Birthday Terrie

by Margaret (no login)

hope you enjoy every minute of your special day
Margaret

Posted on Oct 21, 2001, 1:35 PM
from IP address 152.163.197.214

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Thank you!

by (Login HealingWymn)
Forum Owner

I have enjoyed it very much. Thank you for thinking of me.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 21, 2001, 8:54 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.47

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