Healing Our Lives (Moderated)

This is a place of connection and healing for survivors of childhood abuse. Please note that the banner below is not by my choice, but is necessary for me to be able to provide you with this free site. Other places of interest include Angry Expressions where you can express you anger, and Memory Meadow where you can share your memories. Also, please feel free to go to Healing Our Lives Chat to talk in real time with other survivors, or I have started another chat room which you can access by clicking the button below.

If no one is there, and/or you want to chat with just me, you may do so whenever I am online by clicking on the button below:

Hi Anonymous

by (no login)

Sorry I did not write sooner....I did not see your reply until today. I imagine it is very difficult to feel such a void, with all your feelings having gone into hiding. I truly believe you when you say you have tried to help yourself, and I'm glad you have, but I'm sorry it has not seemed to help. Sometimes we just have to let ourselves be where we are at for a while, until another opportunity for change comes along. You are always welcome to write here...I truly believe that writing can help to release so much that is pent up inside. Keep hanging in there, because eventually I would think this will pass.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 28, 2000, 4:13 PM
from IP address 209.214.196.21

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Untitled

by Anonymous (no login)

"be where we are at" that seems to be a statement i hear quite often. don't want to be where i am. it frightens me that i am so close to death that a slip could be fatal. it's a fine balance between life and death. there is this incredible survival instinct that allows me to breath on a daily basis. don't know where it came from but my sense is it has saved my life many times. i pulled a hamstring running last week and know i should let it rest yet i can't seem to stop running. it is quite painful at times yet i feel if i stop running i will die. Or perhaps i run for the pain. at least it is a feeling. the last time i spoke to my t several weeks or ago she told me i was not willing to help myself. i have been thinking about that a lot lately and i am not sure that is accurate. sometimes i think we all need help locating our will. i am rambling. so sorry haven't slept in days.

Posted on Sep 28, 2000, 7:56 PM
from IP address 63.17.249.247

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Hi again.

by (no login)

It must be frustrating to hear from a t that she thinks you don't want to help yourself. What is is that you are doing or not doing that makes her think this? Because it appears to me that you have a very strong will, even though you are going through such a very rough time and not feeling very in touch with your will to survive. I'm glad you keep coming back here....it's a step in the right direction.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 1, 2000, 1:37 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.31

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intro to me

by (no login)

Hi i am looking for others who have been abused who want to chat about the concequences of the abuse also people who have some experience with the system of law in Canada concerning putting perps where they belong. I must go to court in a couple of weeks and can use your advice Thankyou for your time :Star

Posted on Sep 27, 2000, 11:30 PM
from IP address 142.194.218.214

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hi Star

by Margaret (no login)

Just wanted to say welcome. I don't know much about the laws in Canada. But I do wish you well with it.
Take care,
Margaret

Posted on Oct 1, 2000, 12:40 PM
from IP address 152.163.204.179

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Margaret are you still around

by Cassie (no login)

I wanted to talk to someone cos I feel real dead

Posted on Sep 27, 2000, 10:16 PM
from IP address 202.139.59.131

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Hi Cassie

by Erin (no login)

Hey Cassie, I'm not Margaret, but I saw your post and thought I would say hi. I'm sorry you're not feeling well. You have to carry so many hard things, it's not surprising that sometimes you don't feel good. Just remember that you have friends out here who are thinking strong thoughts for you and hoping that you feel better real soon. Though I'm sad that you don't feel well, I'm glad to see your post. I hope you feel better soon...take good care of yourself.
Best wishes,
Erin

Posted on Sep 30, 2000, 1:08 PM
from IP address 63.21.116.213

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hi Cassie

by Margaret (no login)

I'm still around Cassie- just been kinda quiet lately. I don't get to come here every day but I try to check often.
Sounds like you're having a lot of feelings huh? or maybe not really having any.
I'd be happy to talk to you Cassie. I'll try to check back frequently.
I hope things get beter soon.
Margaret

Posted on Oct 1, 2000, 12:38 PM
from IP address 152.163.204.179

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Hi Terrie

by Terry (no login)

Just wanted to pop in and say hi. Nothing much is happening here, the kids are on school holidays and while in some ways its great - not having to worry about lunches, uniforms, drop offs and pick ups etc. It is wearing, the constant noise and activity but overall they are being good kids.

Ive just thought of something that I wanted to discuss with you if its ok. Its about people asking how you feel and then if you tell them, really tell them, they jump in with "buck up", "stop crying" and so on.

I feel that I have experienced a lot of this lately. My mum recently complained to me that I don't tell her whats going on with me until its over. This is true in many ways but recently I phoned her when I was very distressed and crying. To her credit she dropped everything and came on over but then said to me "can't you take something to calm your self down, stop crying". This wasn't said in a loving manner but in a more exasperated tone.

It seems that what I'm learning is DONT tell people how you really feel they DONT want to know. Intellectually I know this isn't true but it sure feels like thats how it is.

Have you experienced this and how do you cope with it.

thinking of you and hoping all is well

Terry

Posted on Sep 27, 2000, 9:53 PM
from IP address 202.139.59.131

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Hi Terry

by (no login)

Sorry I took so long to respond...I started to last week and got kicked offline in the middle of my response. Oh, well. Anyway, I can sure relate to people not wanting to hear the true answer when they ask how I am. I've tried to learn to distinguish between those who really care about what I'm feeing and can handle it, and those who do not or can not. Some people just want to hear "fine" cuz when they say "How are you?" they mean it as a greeting and not as a genuine question. Some people mean it genuinely, but cannot handle it if we are having a problem (your mother sounds like one of these). My girlfriend is like that....can't handle it at all when I'm upset, although she loves me dearly. And because she can't handle it, she is not very supportive and wants me to get over it. Some people genuinely want to hear how you are doing and can/will be there for you. These are the people in my life that I talk to when I have a problem. I make it a point to be that kind of person with my friends. And I hope you know that no matter what anyone else tells you (e.g. "get over it", " buck up", etc.) I'm here for you and I honor your feelings.

With love,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 1, 2000, 1:13 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.31

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Thanks friend,

by Terry (no login)

I needed to hear that. I'm just so tired of everything I feel like I'm losing myself and when you are then invalidated for what you are feeling I feel even more lost.

I feel that I've even worn out those that once wanted to know. I don't like being like this but the neutrality of feeling that I nurtured for so long doesn't hold as strong as it use to, no doubt a result of therapy. I'm no longer sure that this is the way to go perhaps it would be better to sure up the breeches in my emotional wall and just get on with living such as it is. Everyone around me is happy with me if I just do what needs to be done and look to meet their needs. so, maybe I should just get on with it!

I'm sorry to be so self focused

Are you ok, working less or still doing the extra hours.

love

Terry

Posted on Oct 1, 2000, 7:39 PM
from IP address 202.139.59.131

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Untitled

by Anonymous (no login)

I woke up at 3:02 this morning with my heart racing my palms sweating. i had a dream. a dream of a serial killing chasing me cutting each of my limbs bit by bit. cutting my internal organs. that is how i feel. all survival organs have been desroyed there is nothing left. each morning i wake thinking today will be different i put on my running shoes run my 2 mile course drink my water think of the sun on my skin before long the world takes over and i fall i fall deep within the crevice abuse has created for me as much as i use to think i wanted to heal the body or soul or whatever rules the internal system the barriers are too thick to penetrate. the serial killer has completed it's task

Posted on Sep 20, 2000, 7:59 PM
from IP address 63.17.249.97

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They've not won yet

by (no login)

If you are still waking up in the mornings thinking today will be different, if you are still running two miles and think of the sun on your skin, then my friend, you still have hope, and it's not over yet. No matter what the day does to you, you've not lost the battle. What do you do later in the day when the hope is not feeling so fresh, to bring some of it back? Do you meditate? Pray? Give yourself affirmations? Please don't give up...they don't have to win....there's still hope!

Peace and healing,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 21, 2000, 11:13 AM
from IP address 209.214.194.54

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Untitled

by Anonymous (no login)

have been coming back here for the past couple of days thinking how to respond. what is the struggle obviously there is a struggle or we wouldn't be coming back here. what is it that we actually feel. what is it that we need. the feeling is nothing, empty, void. wish we could feel something hurt, anger, joy doesn't matter anything would do. over the past few months we have felt each of the emotions vanish leaving the void. went back into therapy didn't help started exercise diet routine didn't help have been going to a yoga class didn't help. so you see it's not like we have sat back and did NOTHING to help ourselves. whatever happened to get us to this point is too strong to let us go. what we need is to end the struggle. how do we end the struggle. it has been a very long road for us to keep ending up in the same place. can't seem to get over this.

Posted on Sep 23, 2000, 10:46 AM
from IP address 63.39.114.191

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I admire you for trying...

by Olive (no login)

I wish I ran two miles - heck, I wish I walked a half a mile - every day. I wish I drank my eight glasses of water and avoided the ice cream and took my vitamins and all the other things I want to do that you are doing. I am hoping to take a yoga class OFTD (one of these days) and peel off the excess tons. I saw on your other post that you are doing that too.

I commend you for working on thinking positively and all the other things you are doing. There was a period of time where I did not even get out of bed for months. I believe, and I hope, that it will get better for you. Please hold on,

Olive

Posted on Sep 24, 2000, 6:37 PM
from IP address 209.245.46.247

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Terrie

by Anonymous (no login)

Please keep my IP address confidential. I must seek sanctuary now. I have never been a perfect wife, but I am leaving a life of opression, and taking my young one and my mother with me.

I'll be in touch after the dust settles.

S

Posted on Sep 20, 2000, 3:43 PM
from IP address 209.91.128.159

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Good to hear from you!

by (no login)

I always keep IP addys and such confidential. I am glad you are seeking safety, and will look forward to hearing from you again when the dust settles. I will be thinking about you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 20, 2000, 4:52 PM
from IP address 205.188.192.52

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Hello Y'all

by Olive (no login)

Hi. I am new here. I hope it is ok that I am not using my legal name. I am trying to be more security conscious. Anyway, Olive is a name that means something to me. Because of olive oil - and I don't mean Popeye's girlfriend

I am concerned that if I am not open about my life, I can't get to know people, but I have been too open online in the past and I think it will take me some time to find a "happy medium." But here is a little about me:

My favorite color is purple.
I am a terrible cook but terrific at punctuation.
I have no sense of direction and am a dangerous driver.
I am trying to quit smoking so I only do it out on the patio of my apartment.
My feet are killing me.
I have been severely shopping-impaired but am getting private therapy from a friend who is a professional-level shopper.
I share my apartment with my daughter, her annoying cat, and 75,000 little black ants. I am not nice to them but they won't leave. Um, not nice to the ants. I am very nice to my daughter and nicer to that dang cat than it deserves

Anyway, I hope you have room here for one more.

Thanks,

Olive

Posted on Sep 20, 2000, 8:08 AM
from IP address 209.245.33.2

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Welcome!

by (no login)

I'm so glad to meet you Olive, and it's fine that you are not using your real name...safety is so important! My favorite color is also purple, and I'm so sorry the ants won't leave you alone. LOL. Anyway, I look forward to getting to know you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 20, 2000, 5:19 PM
from IP address 205.188.192.52

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Amsterdam

by (no login)

Well I had my weekend away in Amsterdam which was to be for me to unwind and spend some time on myself. Instead I had an extreme panic attack with my friends calling an ambulance. I fell unconcious and when I came round I couldn't move or speak and I had pins and needles all over my body. For ages I couldn't open my eyes. I managed to communicate that I didn't want an ambulance but it took 2 hours for me to be able to go back to the hotel where I passed out again for about 5-6 hours. I was still physically shaking the next day, Sunday. Today I'm back at work after the weekend away and I'm still shaking and having some difficulty breathing, scared the hell out of me. I think I'll spend my weekends in my flat in the future, seems a lot safer.

Posted on Sep 18, 2000, 4:24 AM
from IP address 193.114.209.150

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So sorry....

by (no login)

I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a horrible weekend! Oh goodness! I certainly hope you feel better soon!

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 18, 2000, 4:57 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.181

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The beginning of another week...

by Terry (no login)

What will it have in store for us? Is anyone doing anything exciting or are you like me washing, ironing, cooking and working blah blah blah. I need to find myself something nice to do but I'm a bit (a lot) on automatic pilot at the moment and doing something nice takes energy and thought and planning (too hard!). However tomorrow is another day

Are you all watching the Olympics, my family certainly is so our bottoms are sure to be broader in two weeks

Did you see the opening ceremony? What did you think of it?

Well, thats enough of my waffle. Love to you all, hope the days and hours are peacful.

Terry

Posted on Sep 17, 2000, 10:45 PM
from IP address 202.139.59.131

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Terry

by (no login)

Gosh, I wish I lived closer (lots closer) so I could just take you to the park or something so you could get out, have fun, and spend time with someone who cares about you. I hope you find some time to at least relax, cuz you deserve some fun and relaxation in your life.

Love ya,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 18, 2000, 4:59 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.181

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Kira????

by (no login)

You haven't been around in a long time- I miss you. Hope you're doing ok and being gentle with yourself. I left my email incase you wanted to write.
Take good care of yourself.
Margaret

Posted on Sep 17, 2000, 10:48 AM
from IP address 205.188.192.57

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Had to get this out!

by (no login)

I went to a website earlier that had to do with religion, and was upset by something I read there. I may be over-reacting, but it is bothering me so much that I am getting sick. It seemed like an alright site about different religious views. However, it had a portion that started talking about sexual abuse, ritual abuse, and so on. All it talked about was something called false memories and that most sexual abuse cases are false memories. It listed studies that comfirmed these findings and stated that most professionals are becoming wise. I am really not trying to upset anyone here, but it left me having some intense feelings that I need to let out!

I have just begun to come here and let out my memories about the abuse I suffered. I feel so fragile and am trying so hard to hold everything together! I have started having new images and some new memories. I have always worried about what people will think of me if they knew the truth. Now I'm so scared that people won't even believe me if I do start talking about it!!! I have always been ok reading articles and books about sexual abuse, but this site really did something to me. I feel physically sick and can't stop shaking. I have the strongest urge to cry, which I don't feel comfortable letting out yet! Please tell me I'm safe here!!!!!!!! Danette

Posted on Sep 15, 2000, 11:14 PM
from IP address 158.252.166.76

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Hi Danette

by (no login)

You are safe here Danette....I believe you, as I'm sure the other women here do, as well. I'm sorry you have run across the site you referred to....there is a following of such persons who claim that allegations are a result of FMS (False Memory Syndrome), and there are unfortunately quite a few websites dedicated to this belief. There are just as many, though, if not more, that know that our memories are true and valid. Even with those nay-sayers out there, we STILL are not alone. And YOU still are not alone. You are very entitled to the feelings that came up as a result of what you read....those feelings make perfect sense, especially when you have been feeling vulnerable anyway. But once again I want to let you know, you are safe here! I try to check the boards daily (occasionally miss a day or so, but not often), and I confront questionable posts and delete if necessary. Your feelings and your memories are respected here, and you are too.

Peace and safe hugs if you want them,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 15, 2000, 11:33 PM
from IP address 152.163.195.198

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Hello Danette

by Olive (no login)

When you run across people like that who "know" so much that isn't true, maybe it would help to remember that at one time ALL the "authorities" KNEW that the earth was flat, and that if you sailed too far out you would fall off the edge.

From what I have read, Freud initially discovered that a large number of women in upper-class homes (the ones who could pay him for therapy) were victims of sexual abuse. He caught a lot of flack, because the f*thers in these homes were the pillars of society. So he decided it could not be true, in other words he "got wise" to it, and invented this entire theory of "oedipal" complexes to explain why so many women "invented" these stories. As you saw in that site, this kind of explaining away uncomfortable truths is still going on.

I know that it felt invalidating to you. But WE know that what you experienced was reality, because many of us have experienced similar things.

Some people won't believe you. Some people aren't safe to share anything with other than small talk about the weather. But there are safe people.

Since you went to a religious site, I hope you wont be offended if I refer to a "religious" idea. Remember about not "casting your pearls before swine"? Your memories of the abuse don't seem like pearls, but the emotions you may be just beginning to feel certainly are precious.

I know you wrote this a few days ago. I hope things are better now. I believe you.

Olive

Posted on Sep 21, 2000, 4:43 PM
from IP address 209.245.38.103

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Terrie and Olive

by (no login)

I appreciate your responses! Part of me wants to close myself off agian; stop letting it out. I hope the following helps explain my reaction a little: When I was in first grade, it was painful for me to go to the bathroom or to sit after a weekend visit at my father's. My teacher sat me down and questioned me about it. I actually told her what he was doing! I can remember hearing the words come out of my mouth, and being so scared...like I was confessing to a crime. She didn't get angry, but she told me that I needed to not let him do that to me. I needed to lock my door, or tell him that it wasn't something I wanted to do. I didn't know how to stop him, I tried to figure out what I was doing that made him keep doing it. When she questioned me later about it, I said that he had stopped. I didn't want her thinking that I wanted it. She told me that she just thought he was confused.

I haven't exactly had good luck talking to people about this, so I don't. I know I was probaly over-reacting to that website. I just don't want people to think I am delusional. My memories and feelings are very real, if they weren't it wouldn't be so hard to let them out! Danette

Posted on Sep 21, 2000, 10:09 PM
from IP address 168.191.165.29

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Hi

by Olive (no login)

Danette, I don't think you were "over-reacting" to that web-site. I think you were reacting appropriately to all that has happened and to the responses you have gotten when you took the risk of sharing about this. It is just not possible to totally separate your reactions to the site, other people, etc., as though you were sorting eggs into small, medium, and large. Of course there is going to be some overflow.

I am sorry that teacher let you down. She placed too much of a burden on a very small child. She should have stepped in instead of expecting you to handle it. But at least she believed you. So many children are not believed because the perp manages to look good on the outside.

I don't think you are delusional at all. People who knew your dad and thought he was a good guy might have a hard time accepting the truth, but that does not change the truth. I am glad you have a safe place here to tell the truth. It is awful to have the memories, but much more healthful (IMHO) to recognize them as truth than to try to pretend everything was wonderful when it was not.

I am still mad that the teacher said you "needed to not let him do that." Sheesh. Did she really think the perp was going to listen to reason? I am sorry she failed you. It would have been so much different if she had used whatever power she had and stepped in to protect you.

I hope you will please keep letting it out in a safe way and at a safe pace, whatever that is for you. Steam pouring out of a tea kettle makes a lot of noise, but that is better than an explosion. Please take care,

Olive

Posted on Sep 22, 2000, 2:28 AM
from IP address 166.90.23.94

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Untitled

by Anonymous (no login)

We were fired by our t tonite. apparantly we are too draining. Cannot dispute anything she said. once again evil has prevailed. she was our t for 10 years. guess we will never learn. hope is gone. nothing left to say

Posted on Sep 15, 2000, 7:36 PM
from IP address 63.17.249.62

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Hi again

by (no login)

I can just imagine how devastating that must feel. Being in the mental health field myself, I do know that sometimes there reaches a point when a particular t cannot help someone anymore cuz for whatever reason they've outgrown each other, and although I obviously don't know your t or what she said, I do think you can use this as an opportunity to move forward, because all setbacks and disappointments can be used to make new choices to better the future. There is hope....and I hope you don't give up, cuz you deserve healing.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 15, 2000, 11:26 PM
from IP address 152.163.195.198

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Untitled

by Anonymous (no login)

perhaps we have outgrown each other or perhaps once again have pushed away someone else at a time we need them most. alone again. it seems to be a pattern one i cannot seem to break. it took several years to even begin to trust her then once i did it took the next couple of years to make sure she ends up hating me. i am very good at that. so you see i know exactly what i am doing. i am bound for hell.

Posted on Sep 16, 2000, 6:55 PM
from IP address 63.39.114.36

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Perhaps...

by (no login)

Perhaps you have pushed her away....that can be easy to do, because it's hard to let someone get close to us...it makes us vulnerable and that is scary. Please be gentle with yourself...it does not make you bad, it merely is a hard pattern to break because it is frightening. Keep reaching out, though, because you can heal. It takes time, but you can do it. And we're here for you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 17, 2000, 9:43 AM
from IP address 205.188.192.32

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Untitled

by Anonymous (no login)

you appear to be a very compassionate person. and very logical. i have been at this healing stuff for quite some time. i have had my ups and downs. during my down times i have survivors that help me thru. the road has ended. there is nowhere left to go. sometimes there comes a time when yu have to look at yourself and say enough is enough. we do that with children we do that with criminals we do that with family. i feel as if i have tried all paths only to end up in the same place. over and over and over again. obviously there is something i am missing. something i was never meant to "get". one of the last things my t said to me was that i needed to be where i am at now. she is right. i do need to be here i needed to make sure the whole system was in the same place. and they are there is finally peace.a calm that has flowed thru the body. i know this decision will affect many people and i know some will call me selfish. but after much soul searching i know it is the right thing. it will not be today or tommorrow but i know it will happen. i know i will die. just like someone with cancer knows when the battle is over i know.

Posted on Sep 17, 2000, 7:39 PM
from IP address 63.39.114.228

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I am so sorry....

by (no login)

that you are in so much pain that you feel it is the end. I do not feel that you are not meant to "get" this elusive part that you have not found yet....I truly believe it is there for you to find when the time is right. When is the time right?....good question, with no good answer. But I believe in never giving up, because that just lets THEM win. You can and you will move past this, if you let yourself. I know it's hard, and that it is not a battle easily fought...but you have not come all this way to give up now, I don't think. Please hang in there....there is light at the end of the tunnel....keep reaching for it.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 17, 2000, 8:05 PM
from IP address 205.188.192.31

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I hope I'm not interrupting....

by Terry (no login)

Dear Dear Anonymous,
I just had to let you know that I know the pain, the fear, the hopelessness of where you are. I have been fighting these feelings for a few months now and I know how truly awful it is. My heart goes out to you.

Each day I ask "Why go on" and many days I don't have any glimmer of just why I should but I do and I truly hope that you will too. I have been shown by coming here that there are people that care, they can and will support you so please speak with us. Let us hear you, tell us how you are feeling, share with us your hurts we will listen and it will help you. Its like releasing the pressure on a pressure cooker, except the pressure cooker is the pain in your heart and soul. I have found that writing here releases some of the pressure, enough to go on for yet another hour, another day.

The battle is not over it has reached an impass while you(and I) rest and regroup before forging on.

I have tears in my eyes and love in my heart for you.
Terry

Posted on Sep 17, 2000, 10:36 PM
from IP address 202.139.59.131

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Untitled

by Anonymous (no login)

i come here and read the love and support in each message. oh how my heart yearns for the understanding you offer, yet i sit back and watch from a distance. if i write and let you know me you will see the evil from which i stem and once again i will be tossed into the fire of shame. too much risk. yet for some reason i am drawn to this site. everyone here are bright compassionate creative people and i admire you all. pigkiller i admire that you have been able to survive your present relationship and still have the strength to reach out. and to terri, terry, suunshine, loretta, for reaching out and taking under your wing a fragile soul.

Posted on Sep 14, 2000, 8:28 PM
from IP address 63.39.114.25

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Hi there.

by (no login)

I strongly believe, that no matter what you have gone through, you still deserve love and support and healing. I personally have quite a few friends who have arisen out of evil and seen the light....they're hearts are pure and good, because the evil they stemmed from did not define them, even though they have often acted out of it. They have been able to find love and support, and to be a child of the light, and you can too. We're here for you.....Feel free to take your time and open up only when you are ready.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 15, 2000, 4:54 PM
from IP address 205.188.192.53

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Hi guys..

by Terry (no login)

just wanted to say hi. Thanks Emma and Erin for your concern.

I went for a swim at the beach yesterday, the water was so cold it took your breath away initially. It was good to feel, feel the cold, the sharp intake of breath, the swell of the waves as they washed around me, the sand under my feet and the roughness of the towel on my skin afterwards. It is strange to move through your world feeling that you have no edge, no essence, checking to see where you have been and that you have done what you think you have done.

Susan, Loretta and Sunshine how wonderful it is to read your exchange of thoughts, ideas and support for each other. I admire you all.

Terrie, please stay close, I need you.

Peaceful thoughts
Terry

Posted on Sep 11, 2000, 12:09 AM
from IP address 202.139.59.131

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{{{{{{{{Terry}}}}}}}}}}

by (no login)

I'm so glad you had a good visit to the beach and that it was so (what's the opposite of numb?). And I am right here, always, sweetie...right by your side. I'm not going anywhere....

Love and safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 11, 2000, 3:38 PM
from IP address 205.188.198.183

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Inspiration

by Loretta (no login)

Terry, your post was very moving. I don't know how I could have missed it the first time. I now find myself yearning for the ocean, and am now seriously contemplating moving to the east coast.
Ahhh, the roughness of towel....I feel a poem coming on....

Posted on Sep 14, 2000, 9:53 PM
from IP address 61.13.111.118

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hi Kira

by Margaret (no login)

hey you-
haven't seen you around much here lately... I haven't been posting lately either- just needed some me time I guess. I have been thinking about you- wishing I had an email addy I could write to to check in with you. I hope things are well.
Margaret

Posted on Sep 8, 2000, 8:08 PM
from IP address 152.163.204.193

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Hi, very very down at the moment

by Terry (no login)

Sorry I haven't been around much this week but I've had a horrid week and its not looking any brighter yet.

Life just shouldn't be so hard, I miss my old t terribly, my heart feels like its breaking. I miss her kindness, her gentleness and her reassurance that life will get better.

The new t is going to take some getting use to, I'm sure shes ok but her "style" is so different and so confronting though this week she seemed a little "softer". The worst of it was that she will have to refer me on to someone else when the depression is under control. I felt that I was going to die on the spot when she told me that, to have to tell yet another person. The reason for her not going the distance is because I will need a long term committment from a t and as she is a contract employee for the agency she can't offer me that level of care.

I didn't die on the spot but I did take an overdose that night I just couldn't do it anymore but I can't even do that right cos I'm still here!! Wont do it again though have promised, will ask for help (if I can) and am trying (though not very successfully) to only focus on one day at a time. It amazes me how you can still "function", run the home, care for the kids, go to work etc but be so numb inside. More amazing still is that no-one sees that you are not really there.

I hope I haven't distressed anyone with this post but I needed to tell someone.

Terry

Posted on Sep 7, 2000, 10:26 PM
from IP address 202.139.59.131

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Terry

by (no login)

Hi Terry,

I so wish you had some stability to fall back on right now with your T, the thought of having to go through it all again must feel like even more effort and something else to get through. It never fails to amaze me though whenever I'm convinced I've reached my breaking point this strength just appears and somehow I keep going.
Your postings are never too distressing that's what we're here for and I know what you mean by feeling numb though I feel like I'm on autopilot going through the daily routine, just existing really.

I hope things start getting better for you and I'm always here if you need to unload at anytime, you deserve things to start going for you.

Emma

Posted on Sep 8, 2000, 3:34 AM
from IP address 193.114.209.139

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Terry

by Erin (no login)

Hi Terry, I'm so sorry that you are getting juggled around w/ the t's. That is INCREDIBLY rough. Please know that we are here thinking about you, and that even when it feels like no one is supporting you, we are out here listening.

Take care,
Erin

Posted on Sep 10, 2000, 12:04 PM
from IP address 63.21.113.213

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Hi Margaret

by Erin (no login)

How are you? I was away for a couple of weeks, but am now back. Noticed you haven't posted here in awhile...how are things? Hope you are doing well.

Erin

Posted on Sep 7, 2000, 8:40 PM
from IP address 63.21.117.29

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hi Erin

by Margaret (no login)

Things are ok- just very busy and I just have needed some time for myself so haven't been online as much. I'm juggling a full time job and three part time ones right now so I have very little down time. Plus I was away for a week. It's nice to have been missed- I was wondering about you- and Kira also. Hope you're doing well.
Take care,
Margaret

Posted on Sep 8, 2000, 8:07 PM
from IP address 152.163.204.193

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Margaret

by Erin (no login)

Wow, so many jobs! I get overwhelmed with just my one full time job. I'm glad that you are able to take time out for you!

I'm doing pretty well. I just got back from a few weeks away, and trying to readjust to day to day life, but pretty good overall. It's nice to hear from you!

Take care,
Erin

Posted on Sep 10, 2000, 12:11 PM
from IP address 63.21.113.213

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Hi Terry

by Erin (no login)

Hey Terry, I was away for a couple of weeks, but I'm back. Just checking in to see how you are doing. I'm feeling okay...I just started a new job, which is always scary and weird, but other than that, things have been good.

How are things going with the new t? Is that okay? And everything else???

Hope you are well, and sending you good thoughts...
Erin

Posted on Sep 7, 2000, 8:39 PM
from IP address 63.21.117.29

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Please Understand Me!

by (no login)

I come here everynight to read, and I realize that some of you have gotten to know each other already. So I don't mean to be intrusive by posting! It's just that lately I have been aching for understanding. I never tell people that I have been sexually abused. I feel like I live in a world where I am trying to be just like everyone else. I want to be smarter and stronger (emotionally) and more NORMAL! So I am trying to act my way through life, but I don't feel I am fooling anyone including myself.

The truth is I am not normal! I am scared to be with men, so I haven't dated much. I am scared that people would know that I was/am weak that I don't cry; yet in my heart I ache to sometimes. By saying I was raped as a child I am not trying to get pity, nor am I trying to scare people away from me. I just want someone to say "I understand why you feel that way" or "I see you are doing a good job coping with that." But I won't get that, so I don't tell anyone.

Sometimes I just need to talk to someone~Just to tell them that I am hurting! But I don't have anyone! I'm sorry! I better go now, becuase I don't want to cry! Danette

Posted on Sep 5, 2000, 9:03 PM
from IP address 158.252.171.107

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I know how you feel!

by (no login)

I, too, am anything but normal. I have a similar fear of men. I've never told anyone this before, but when I get dressed and undressed, I always do it in the closet, even though there's no one in the house and the curtains are drawn. I'm so deathly afraid of having a man be aroused by my body.

Recently a friend bought me a skirt. It was quite a lovely skirt I suppose, but the idea of granting men such easy access just makes my skin crawl. When I see young women walking around in tiny miniskirts, labia practically flapping in the wind, I can barely keep myself from screaming at them for being so stupid. Of course, to my friend I just mumbled a simple 'thank you', for I couldn't think of a single way to explain to her my condition.

Posted on Sep 6, 2000, 10:52 AM
from IP address 139.223.198.43

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never a second glace

by Sunshine (no login)

My breasts are small
My thighs are big
And on my head
I wear a wig.

A pimple here
A pimple there
A man might look?
He wouldn't dare!

A little bit
Of armpit hair
Is sure to stop
His filthy glare.

My clothes are plain
My shoes are flat
Just like my chest
He won't like that.

Do I really want
To look so bad
Because of men
Who make me sad?

Posted on Sep 7, 2000, 3:02 PM
from IP address 64.228.225.131

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Danette

by (no login)

I can promise you are not alone, I feel the same way but I also never talk about it with anyone. I'm always getting people trying to make me wear skirts and look more feminine but the thought scares the life out of me. I'm not going to actively encourage any men to become interested, I'd run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.
My whole life used to be one big act just concentrating on getting through each day , making sure everyone was kept at their distance, now I don't have the energy and there's one person I can talk to but I still know she doesn't fully understand, how can she? I've also got all this emotion bubbling away underneath and I can physically feel it but there's no way I'm ready for it to come out and even my T is surprised just how unemotional I sound when I'm talking about things.

I'm always here for you whether through this site or by email.

Posted on Sep 7, 2000, 12:46 PM
from IP address 193.114.209.144

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Thanks!

by (no login)

I really appreciate your responses! Whenever I hear statistics about sexual abuse, I hear that young girls who are sexually abused will mostly likely become promiscuous. All through high school that confused me because I was so scared of males and intimacy. I tried to force myself to be with guys! But I would end up letting them do whatever wanted to do to me. I would just lay there! It felt like I was being raped all over agian! However, I was doing it to myself by letting it go on!!! I stopped dating because I was afraid I would let them go too far. I haven't dated since high school. I don't make myself look less appealing, I do get guys that are interested. But I am very cold and rebuff any advances. This is automatic, like a reflex. I really think something is wrong with me! I don't know how to get past my feelings toward intimacy. Intimacy to me has a very disgusting and taboo connotation to it. I can't imagine it being gentle, loving, or peaceful. Yet I CRAVE to be treated that way. Am I always going to feel this way?

Oh, no! I didn't mean to type so much! It just all came out! I'm sorry about that. It really helps to know that there are people out there who feel the same way. Thank you so much!

Posted on Sep 7, 2000, 10:30 PM
from IP address 168.191.164.197

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Children Learn What They Live

by (no login)

If a child lives with critisism,
He learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.

If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance & friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.

Spiritan Arts

Posted by:
Kendra of KnC

Posted on Sep 5, 2000, 1:40 PM
from IP address 152.163.206.178

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Wonderful!

by (no login)

I have seen this before, and it is so true and I thank you for posting it here!

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 5, 2000, 6:31 PM
from IP address 152.163.206.212

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