Astin - Yes this is related to my destiny and becoming the King of the Ring. I'm getting to that part.
Frank - "..."
Astin - Shhh...reading from the tome of Astinian Legend is a near religious experience. You must let it sink in before absorbing too much.
Frank - "..."
Astin - Anyway...my ancestor Ulric Astortin the third. Having done his business...exited the outhouse.
Frank - "..."
Astin - No...a piece of tissue wasn't stuck to his foot!
Frank - "..."
Astin - Alright..let's just skip to the flashback part...you're annoying the hell out of me.
Astin twiddles his fingers at the camera as the image begins to blur!
Deedeedeedodeedoodeedo
The guards quickly stop their chillin' with Francois...and get back to their questioning of the Medieval Tinman.
Guard - Oye, Whatcha peddlin da tele Ooooorigh?
Ulric - Oo?
Francois - "..."
Guard - Whuz he pippin on govna?
Ulric - I don't understand a word he's saying.
Francois - "..."
Guard - Me neither mate.
Ulric - Oh...you thought I meant Francois? Nah..he's just speaking Co...erm..French...yes..
Guard - WITCH!
Ulric - No no no!
The Guard runs around in circles screaming at the top of his lungs!
Guard - Tis gonna keel us all, tis! I SAYETH WE FRIAR IT!
Just then, the second guard bops the first one over the head.
Guard 2 - Don't mind him, he's pagan.
Francois - "!!!"
Guard - Burn fire, burn bright, Pure vision come to me, Guide my path tonight With your strength and light.
Guard 2 - Craaazzzzyyyy
Guard - You shant think me crazy once I get mine hands on a virgin! HER BLOOD SHALL BE SPILT AT TWILIGHT! THEN! THEN YE SHALL KNOW THE WRATH OF BELENUS!
Ulric - Oo.
Guard 2 - Annnnnywho.....why are you here? Other then the use of our crop storage as an outhouse?
Francois - "!!!"
Ulric - We journey from afar. We tire of our journey. We wish for food, drink, sleep, a selection of your finest wenches...oh and maybe some of the royal treasure...any of that you have laying around.
Guard 2 - Well I wish for a day where we can bring tiny bards with us everywhere, in the palm of our hands!
Ulric - Ah..you mean an iPOD
Guard 2 - Wha?
Ulric - You know...you lure a bard into a magic inchanted Pod...it shrinks him down and you can carry him anywhere. I got three GB on mine now.
Guard 2 - GB?
Ulric - Great Britons.....*shifty eyes*
Guard 2 - Still, Inchanted is not spelt with an I.
Ulric - Ye Olde Meh.
Francois - "..."
Guard 2 - Still, you shant be getting any of your requests.
Ulric - Why not?
Guard 2 - Because.
Ulric - I see...But I rule you...so you must do as I say.
Guard 2 - But!
returns from flashback
Frank - "..."
Astin - It goes on like that for quite a bit actually
Frank - "..."
Astin - Fine...Long story short...Ulric finally met the King....and instead of being beheaded...he offered up an idea...
Frank - "..."
Astin - Oo! Don't test me.
Frank - "..."
Astin - Anyway...the idea was....Kings from all over would put their land on the line...in the very first King of the Coliseum tournament.
Frank - "!!!"
Astin - Yes...the precursor to the KotR.
Frank - "..."
Astin - It is amazing..I agree.....anyway....the winner would go on to earn the right to call himself the absolute Ruler over the land...
Frank - "..."
Astin - And so....Ulric fought long and hard....against the greatest warriors nobility from every continent could muster. He fought against Valkyrie, he fought against Black Knights, against Knights Templar and all that jazz...
Frank - "..."
Astin - I don't care if him fighting Valkyrie in the tourney wouldnt make sense...he did....he even took on the moon!
Frank - "..."
Astin - BAH!...He won anyway....and then the noble King Arthur...the one who had denied him his wenches.....was forced to find a new job....leaving a cheesy fairy tale to cover the truth.
Astin - All the while...the evil Tyrant Ulric Astortin the Third ruled over the land with an iron fist!...Well actually a Tin Fist...but that sounds less imposing.
Frank - "..."
Astin - So you see....I must win the KotR.....it's in my blood!
Frank - "..."
Astin - Al Pacino as Francois in the movie version? Nah I don't see the connection...Gill from Finding Nemo maybe.
Frank - "!!!"
Astin - That is so not racial typecasting.
Frank - "..."
Astin - Whatever. Matthew McConaughey is a lock for Ulric...or maybe Heath Ledger.....or perhaps even Gaspard Ulliel.
Frank - "..."
Astin - JUGHEAD!! JUGHEAD!! Oo! That's it....I'm not talking to you anymore!
