I can relate (this got very long)June 10 2012 at 11:54 AM
|Lori in MA (Login Earth_Wanderess)|
The Frugalista Files
Response to I'm looking for other depressed/ overwhelmed people
I have had depression off and on throughout my life and didn't acknowledge until recently. I have been trying to figure out things myself. I believe hormones are a big part of it for me too. They influence my mood and pain in my body.
I have been overwhelmed for a while, at least over a year. I can not tolerate things I used to. Whining, not listening, ignorance, jerky people,etc. I do not know what is going on with me, but I do know I am very tired and fed up with taking care of everyone else. Taking a 10 minute break or a bubble bath is a joke and does not 'rejuventate" me. Friends say 'take a vacation and you will feel better.' I found it pointless. If I do vacation, I come back to the same crap I left and everything is back to the way it was within 3 days.
I was depressed and having lots of body pain. My doc suggested I have fibromyalgia, but he didn't want to diagnose me immediately. I had difficulty walking and moving. I gained 15 pounds and I was already overweight. Every pain med and anti-depressant I want on caused an allergic reaction or I got very sick on it.
Then, something started shifted in February 2011 when my 4th grandson died from SIDS at age 3 months. Everything felt and seemed different. I took care of my daughter and her kids. I still haven't fully grieved with losing Jay. In June of 2011 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent weekends taking care of her, buying her food, helping pay her bills and find resources, and redoing her house (which still is not complete).
In December when my oldest told me she was pregnant (she miscarried, but got pregnant again and is due in November). I was so happy to become a grandmother again; but the BIG thing with the newest grandchild is that I was not going to be a surrogate mommy and raise this grandchild. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the role I have/had in my 6 grandchildren's life, but knowing I was going to have a grandchild and not raise it did something to me.
I realized I did not want to be the child care provider/teacher for my 3 youngest grandchildren anymore. I want to be their grandmother! It sounds so simple. I want to be like their Nana who takes them on weekends and does fun things, not their teacher and not their substitute mommy. It was so profound and threw me for a loop!!
I decided I was done raising other people's children. I made plans. I talked with Bethann about going back to school with an actual goal and financing it.
I enrolled in college this past spring and took Biology, Children's Lit and Intro to Human Services. It was VERY stressful taking care of 9 kids during the day with DH and taking 3 night classes, but I loved the learning. I had a project in Children's Lit and wrote a book of poems and my teacher suggested I get them published! I applied for an Occupational Therapy program and was accepted.
DH and I talked a lot this past spring and he agreed to be the primary caregiver for the 2 grandkids still with us and 2 other kids (who we love like our own grandkids) until August because I need anatomy and physiology 1 & 2 before the fall. I am taking the classes now until August- 8 months of classes in 2 months! (eeek!) I am the oldest person in the class, the next oldest is 30!--actually one of my past daycare children sits next to me--she is 18.
The first week of August my child care closes for good. I will have 3 weeks off before I start the OT program for the next 2 years. I CAN NOT WAIT to have 3 weeks off! I will not work while I am in school.
I realize I was extremely depressed and unhappy. I am still depressed and I am trying to figure it out. The past 5 weeks I have had my period every other week and inbetween that I had spotting. My doc finally gave me progestrone and it is not stopping the bleeding yet. I am very, very tired. I am trying to let go of trying to be perfect-getting A's,having a spotless house and doing/being everything for everyone else.
I want to stop feeling like I am not good enough.
|This message has been edited by Earth_Wanderess on Jun 10, 2012 11:59 AM|