> Family Trees - Chapter 1
> A Pebble Tossed
Kyo: ...will risk putting someone's eye out.
Xach: But a stick will work so much better.
> Warning: taking this fic
Zenith: ...internally may be hazardous to your health.
> too seriously could be
> dangerous to your mental health...
Xach: Close enough.
Noe: Hey, if I can put up with Yun, I, and Ch'oe...
> it is going to be
> intentionally unlikely and rather silly and bizarre...
> this fic is coming out of my Silly Product of Sleep
> Deprivation, with ideas pulled from the barracks scene
> of Hot Shots, Tales of Ranma and Ranko, Amaya's
> Changes, slayers fics, and various comments on that
> first fic (originally intended as a one shot).
Dan: Which, unfortunately, didn't hit any vital organs. Thussly, additional shots were deemed necessary, prolonging the readers' suffering.
Triad: So he's admitting that he's ripping off everything from other people with actual TALENT?
Kyo: Ooh... nasty.
> Kasumi filled their guest's tea cup
Zenith: With POISON!
Cyrus: So this is the bit where he rips off "Appearances"? We'd better note this down.
> and continued
> on serenely to fill Akane's, Mr. Saotome's and
> "Will there be anything else?" Kasumi asked calmly.
Noe: [exagerating his accent] You buy me juicy?
> "No that will be all, thank you Kasumi," Nadoka
> turned with her nearly ever-present smile to face the
> other three individuals at the table.
Dan: "Kasumi waited patiently for her tip."
Zenith: [Kasumi] Heh, heh... this is the last time they walk out on the bill... wait 'til they find out what I put in their food...
> "If this is family business,
Noe: [Godfather] We are here to discuss business.
> what's Akane doing
> here?" Ranma asked,
Xach: Not you, that's for certain.
> trying to hide his worry under a
> veneer of impoliteness. His mom calling them
Triad: A wimp, a loser, a good-for-nothing freeloader...
> family business was NOT what he considered good news,
> he was keeping an eye on her wrapped katana.
Noe: [clutching his eye] AP'A!!!
> "As if I have any interest at all in the Saotome
> family affairs." Akane was also watching the katana,
> and she'd be damned if she was going to let Ranma know
> she was worried about him.
Zenith: [Akane] I mean... investing all our money in Pokemon cards? That's just plain wrong.
> "Wait a moment, I just remembered an important
> previous engagement."
Noe: [counting on his fingers] Another one?!?!
>Genma started to stand and
Triad: Then he realized someone had broken his kneecaps.
> "Sit," the command was a small chorus from all
> three of the others.
Noe: Except Inu-Yasha who promptly fell over grumbling...
> Ranma and Akane didn't know what
> was coming,
Xach: ...for dinner!
> but they were damn certain it was his
> fault somehow.
Dan: I have this odd feeling I've seen scenes nearly identical to this before...and before that...and before that...and before that...and...
Zenith: Cue stock footage!
Xach: Cueing the stock footage!
> "Now as I was saying, there is something I need to
> tell Ranma."
Kyo: [Nodoka] Zip your fly.
> Ranma and Akane both narrowed their eyes
> at Genma, who sweatdropped.
> ~I'm making sure you go ahead of me, old man, and
> what did you do to get Akane roped into this?~
Dan: Oh, sure, blame Genma. All he's ever done is get his son a Jusenkyo curse.
Xach: And engage him to several different women without his knowledge.
Noe: And sold him for a bowl of rice and two pickles.
Dan: And...come to think of it, yes. Blame Genma.
> ~There is no way I'm letting you get away with
> this...uh...not that I care.~
> "Genma is not your natural father."
Dan: And there was much rejoicing.
Noe: [deadpan] manse manse manse...
Zenith: [Nodoka] He's your mother. I am your father.
Dan: And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Kyo: [Ranma] No! It can't be!
Zenith: [Nodoka] Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Kyo: [Ranma] Never! I'll never join the dark side!
Zenith: The... oh, damn. If you don't get it, where the hell have you been?
> "You don't have to do it..." Akane shouted. "Wait
> a minute."
Noe: [Ranma] I'll be generous! You'll get sixty seconds!
Triad: [Akane] Oh, thanks!
> "What did you say?!?!"
> "I said Genma is not your natural father." Akane
> and Ranma facefaulted, as did someone standing outside
> the door.
Dan: Sure, ruin the suspense. *snort*
> "Nabiki!" Kasumi's muffled yet scandalized voice
> declared from the hallway. "It is not polite to
> easedrop." The Saotomes and youngest Tendo
> "He's NOT my natural father," Ranma repeated after
> righting himself. He and Akane turned to glare at him
> "And I thought he was low before," Akane noted.
Cyrus: Now he's a sub-basement!
Noe: He's lower than a snake's balls...
> Genma swallowed and looked for somewhere to disappear
Xach: [Genma] You can't see me! I'm OBFUSCATING!
> "No, I met Genma while I was pregnant with you,"
> Nadoka calmly sipped her tea. "Your father and I had
> parted ways before I learned that you'd be coming,
Noe: Wasn't Ranma a little young to be coming at that point?
[Cyrus thwaps him]
> I couldn't find him again after that."
Zenith: Try looking under the seat cushions.
> "And you married HIM?" Akane said, shocked.
Noe: What were you thinking, Ajuma?!
> "Oh yes, I wanted my son to be a master martial
> artist like his father was, but I couldn't teach him
> all he'd need to know. And I was certainly not going
> to show myself before my father and sister in that
> "And then along comes Genma and he promised to make
> my son a 'man among men'
>and give him a lifelong
> training in martial arts."
> "And you believed HIM?" Ranma asked
> "Slight error in judgment," Nadoka said.
Noe: Gee, you think?
> "Gee, you think?" Akane put in snidely.
Xach: Only when it's otherwise unavoidable.
Noe: YA! She's stealing my lines!
> "You can discuss it with him later."
> "Oh, I will." Ranma cracked his knuckles.
Kyo: [Ranma] Oww! My hands! MEDIC!
> "I did raise you to be a master martial artist
> after all," Genma suggested nervously.
> "You neglected to place much emphasis on the
> sword," Nadoka noted. "And that has been my family's
> art for generations."
> "Not to mention the cat fist," Akane noted.
> "And Jusenkyo, and the fiancees."
> "I need a place, date and time!"
Zenith: A date? I'd love to. You're paying, right?
Kyo: Who are you talking to?
Zenith: No idea.
> "Nabiki, what did I just tell you?"
Cyrus: I think it was "And Jusenkyo, and the fiancees".
Noe: [eyes glazing over, grinning pervertedly] Zenith just agreed to a date with Nabiki.
>Akane and the
> Saotomes sweatdropped again.
Xach: The place is flooding!
Triad: The Saotomes and Tendos drowned in the sweatdrops. The end.
> "So who is Ranma's father?" Akane asked. Nadoka
> retrieved an old photograph from inside her kimono and
> displayed it formally. The man in the picture wore a
Xach: ...corn-blue blue dress, white apron, and ruby slippers.
> white gi with torn sleeves and a red headband, and he
> was obviously a masterful martial artist.
Cyrus: Because NO ONE would DARE wear a gi and headband unless they were masterful martial artists. Yeah, right.
> "Looks familiar," Akane admitted.
Dan: I guess all he cares about ISN'T his two fists. Oh, my tarnished hero! I have only Dan Hibiki left to admire!
Noe: [Shaking his mighty forearm] ABÒJI!!!*
Triad: I weep for your fandom.
Dan: Look who's talking, little miss Wind-Up Toy.
Triad: Why, you...
Kyo: Will you PLEASE keep it down? If you keep yapping, I can't watch the fic, and... wait, never mind.
*-Korean for "OYAJI!!!"
> "At any rate," Nadoka returned the photo to its
> hiding place without giving a name. "Genma adopted
> you and took you on that regretful training trip,
> knowing what I do now I would have taken you to meet
> my family much earlier."
Zenith: Urgh... run-on sentences... feeling sick...
Xach: Woah, thirty words... What's the record again?
> "Meet your family," Akane repeated. ~A chance to
> meet more of Ranma's family?~
> "I still don't see why Akane has to be here," Ranma
> "Shut up Ranma."
Triad: Okay, I'll shut up Ranma. [pulls out her Buster Beam cannons] BUUUSTER B-- [gets tackled by Zenith] AUGH!
Zenith: Does "Point-blank range" say anything to you?
> "Well, I'd like you and Akane to take a trip with
> me to meet your grandfather and cousin. I myself
> haven't seen them since before my sister graduated
> school, and none of us have seen or heard from our
> brother after his last letter from China,"
Xach: Because he, too, was obfuscating.
> she sighed
> wistfully for a moment. "I should have at least gone
> for my sister's funeral, but I couldn't see them yet."
Xach: They wouldn't uncross their arms.
Zenith: Gee, how soon can you run a joke into the ground?
Xach: I dunno, cutter. You mind spilling the dark?
> ~Ranma's relatives,~ that thought was followed by
> an almost audible kching sound as Nabiki considered
> the profit opportunities.
Zenith: That's a girl after my style.
Noe: You mean, greedy, power-hungry, and devoid of ethics and caring of other people's feelings and needs?
Zenith: Exactl-- HEY!
> "Hey I'll go!" She stepped
> into the room, unconcerned about appearances suddenly.
Dan: I don't suppose anyone wants to hear about how Nabiki really doesn't act anything like this in the manga?
Kyo: Not really. OOC is what OOC does.
> "What?" Ranma blinked. "I don't want to..."
> "Nabiki, they didn't invite you," Akane protested.
> ~Wait a minute, did I just confirm I want to go...damn
> "Actually that is a good idea," Nadoka decided.
Noe: [Nabiki] She don't know me too well do she? [puts his
pinkie on his chin a la Doctor Evil]
> "This way there is a chaperone from both families."
> "See sis," Nabiki smirked. Ranma looked around and
> tried to judge as to whether he had any say in this
> happening. "Besides it will give you and Ranma some
> time to decide what to do with him."
Noe: [cracks his knuckles] heh heh heh...
> "I'll go pack."
Triad: ...some heat.
> Nabiki felt a familiar sensation as she entered her
> room. She had been about to start packing, but it
> wouldn't be a good idea to give him too much of an
> idea of her plans. She smirked without turning to
> face the materializing cloaked-man.
Cyrus: The Shadow makes an appearance.
> "Long time no see," she said in a bored manner.
> Then she turned to face him, leaning against her
> dresser. "So what brings you to this neck of the
Kyo: [Man] The Interdimensional Greyhound Bus, of course.
Zenith: Oh, I see! The man is actually Drogn-san!
Dan: Or NeoVid.
Zenith: Since when did he wear a cloak?
Dan: Since when did Drogn?
Xach: [Angrily] Oh, sure. I travel the omniverse for five years, with nothing but a notebook, a retractable pen, and a rudimentary understanding of Chaos Physics, surviving off the fruit of the lands, but who gets the credit? WHO? Godboys, that's who! You all make me sick. (Sulks)
Kyo: You _want_ to be compared to Xelloss?
Xach: On second thought... No.
> "Ah, nothing important," he said cheerfully through
> closed eyes.
>"I just came to visit a talented girl of
> my acquaintance."
Xach: [Xelloss] Know where she is?
> "Really, Xellos"
Zenith: Okay, this is just messed up.
> Nabiki drawled, arching an eyebrow
Noe: [Nabiki as the Rock] If you smellalala... what the 'Beek... is cooking.
> and crossing her arms.
Xach: And now she's obfuscating, too...
> "Is it too much to ask that I'd like visit my
Dan: If that were true, you'd think she'd give the DoV better booking in Ultra.
Zenith: BOO! [throws a seat cushion at Dan]
> "You expect me to believe that, Xellos?"
> "Not especially," her visitor answered smiling.
Xach: [Xelloss as Bond Villain] No, miss Nabiki, I expect you to die.
> Nabiki waited. "You know, you really should get out a
> little more, go on a vacation or something."
> "And for what reason do you want me out of town?"
Noe: Kùgòs-un pimir-iya!*
*-Korean for "Sore-wa himitsu desu"
> "Actually I was hoping you'd take your sister with
> you as well."
> "You don't want someone to see us?"
> "Well," Xellos smirked. "That...is a secret."
> "And the favor...has a price," she riposted.
Zenith: Doesn't everything?
Kyo: Air's still free.
Zenith: For now.
> Xellos smirked in pride.
> "Depends on the reason why you want me to do it,"
> Nabiki noted.
> "Well the gate that brought your mother here is
> going to stablize enough for human use again,"
> explained. "Some of our old companions are going to
> come and try to visit her."
> "Well I don't see...oh...SHE's coming isn't she,"
> Nabiki smirked.
> "That is a..."
Noe: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THAT IS!!!
> "Doesn't she know about me and..." Nabiki
> interrupted. She gave a predatorial smirk. "She
> doesn't know about Akane, does she."
> "It shouldn't be too long," Xellos said. "We plan
> on visiting our daughter later."
> "Well, I suppose I can find a way to get me and
> Akane out of town for a while." Being empathic,
> Xellos DID hear the kching sound, or at least in
> detected the emotions connected with it, and smiled.
Cyrus: Like he doesn't do that all the time anyway.
> "And what is the price?"
> "Can you teach me that teleport thing?"
> "Hmmm, interesting," the old man turned the
> postcard over in his hand and investigated.
Dan: [postcard] Bringing Ranma from China. Saotome.
Zenith: [postcard] Wish you were here, instead of me.
Kyo: [postcard] This text says nothing.
> "You wanted to talk to me grandpa?"
Zenith: [Hick accent] Well, if'm wanna see me grandpa, you'm betta go see 'im on yer own, dontchaknow.
Dan: [W4] Commas are your friends!
> he turned to
> the polite young boy, who seemed almost relieved to be
> pulled out of the chaos of his normal life.
> "We'll be having visitors soon," the old man said.
> "I didn't think any of father's relatives wanted to
> come back after that incident with..."
Noe: ...the kimch'i, the cheese grater, and the silk scarves.
> "This is your mother's family, my other daughter
> and her son," the old man interrupted.
> "Mom had a sister?" the young man blinked.
Cyrus: So... he said that in morse code?
Xach: We have people who speak through their eyeballs, and another one who blinks in Morse. Some of my boys would be right at home in this 'fic.
> "And a brother, I've been on Earth for many human
> life times" the old man explained. For a moment the
> young boy seemed to be considering possibilities.
> "Don't hope to much for a relief from the girls, it
> seems your cousin's fiancee is coming along as well."
> "It wouldn't have been fair anyway," he said
> reluctantly. "So what's my cousin like?"
> "He apparently is a martial artist of some skill
> and power, perhaps you can learn something from him."
Triad: [Old man] Like how to pick up excessive amounts of violent girlfriends.
Noe: No... if my suspicion is right, he's rather good at that himself.
> The boy shrugged humbly, as if that was no surprise.
> His grandfather smiled, knowing he was much better
> than he pretended to be. "Now perhaps you should
> return to the fields, before Sasami starts looking for
> materials for tonight's dinner.
Zenith: Looks like you were right, monkey.
Noe: No, you're referring to Yun.
Triad: He's hiding when she looks for foodstuff?! Good god, what is she COOKING?!
> "Get back here before I call a spirit to wrap that
> thing around your head!"
> The woman shouting seemed almost like a young girl,
Xach: Because she was one, maybe?
> standing just barely five feet tall with short brown
> hair tied with a ribbon. Her long pointy ears
> twitched angrily as she shouted. She was wearing
Kyo: Nothing! NOTHING! YOU SO STUPID! STUUUPID!
> red leather jerkin that looked like it was something
> out of a dungeons and dragons convention.
Dan: TM Wizards of the Coast and TSR. All rights reserved.
(Xachary checks his vast supply of artifacts from Sigil, and hits the leather armor under his jumpsuit) Is there anything wrong with that?
> Hooked at
> her back was a short, three foot stave with spear
> points at either end. Her eyes showed a deal more age
> than her body, however.
Zenith: [girl] I've got my mother's eyes, you know. [mimics showing a small box] See?
> "I was just going to find something to drink."
Dan(bartender): Frosty mug of water, sir?
> "Man you're a jerk!" the girl shouted again. "I
> swear, you are such a moron. I miss the gate home and
> what do you do, send her into the world as a child on
> a vendetta!"
Zenith: I had a vendetta when I was little.
Zenith: Yeah. Me and my buddies fixed it up, painted flames on the sides, and cruised around town.
Cyrus: Somehow I don't think that's the same vendetta they're speaking of.
> "Well I thought you were dead, and the family honor
> needed to be...."
> "BAKA!! Do you realize that she has like three
> months before she has to choose mortality or
> immortality? AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT!!!!" (its a
> Tolkien thing)
Noe: [Tolkien] Has anyone seen my thing?
Dan: [flips through the Silmarillion] Maybe he meant "Leaf by Wiggle"?
Triad: *snort* Thanks for pointing it out, oh wise and omnipotent author. We really needed to know.
> "Well I didn't see the need to, with you dead..."
Noe: ...kinda made it hard to let you know
> "You didn't even SHOW her the books of magic I left
> for her to study! ARGGG!!!"
> "Shut up, shut up...let's just find her and then I
> can give her a crash course of being born with elf blood."
Xach: [Sagely] We're all born naked, screaming, and covered with elf blood. The lucky ones can die that way, too.