We walked to the smoking lounge and sat down, lit the smokes and looked at one another. Nothing being said, just looking right into each other's eyes. Neither one of us knew quite what to say at this point. He wanted to know what I had told Cane, and I wanted to tell him, but didn't know if he wanted to know. He wanted to tell me of his past, and wanted to release everything, I wanted to hold him in my arms and whipe away the tears that he'd never let anyone see. I knew more about him than he thought I did, I think.
We sat there smoking and not saying anything until he blurted out "What the fuck am I doing here?" and I looked up from the smoke rings I was blowing. "I don't know, what are any of us doing here?" I said without thinking. I did know, I had heard it that night he was admitted, but wasn't going to let him know that. He slammed his fist into the wall, almost breaking the sheetrock that made it. "I fuckin' hate it here and want to be with my friends, want to be where I know, I want to get outta here." He said with anger. "I know you do, don't you think that's what I want too?" I said looking right at him, getting alittle angry with him. "Well from what it sounded like at dinner, you were fine with it, talkin' to Cane and all. I don't know, do you want out?" He looked up at me with sqinted eyes, a look of confusion filled his face. "Hell yes, I want out, I want to be with my friends, I want to be where I know, I want to be free again. But I have not choice in the matter right now, so I'm dealing, which is what you'll have to start doing as well I'm afraid." I looked right into his eyes, those eyes that burned with anger.
"I am not like others here, I'm different, I always have been and always will be. The few friends that I do have aren't here and I hate it. The only one that could possibly understand me is you!" He said twisting his face up with a wierd expression. "And I do, believe me, I do!" putting out my smoke, I walked over to where he was sitting. "I kinda thought you would, but didn't want to get too sure before knowing, ya know?" he said. "Yeah, I know...I know! The funny thing is, I'm just like you, we're quite similar. I've watched you, I noticed what you're like, what your game is, what you're all about, I know your type. I've been where you've been, it's scary almost. Trust me, I know." we never broke out of eye contact.
"I'm from a broken home, lived on the streets, parents didn't care for me, didn't give a shit as to what I was doing, I was rapped, beaten, got into drugs, drank, partied 'til the wee hours of the morning and so much more. But, to make a long long story short, just take my word for it, there's nothing you can say that will shock me. I know...I know." I said.
"yeah, me too, but my parents did care what I was doing, I just didn't give a shit. Nothing was easy for me growing up, I was different from all the other kids, I didn't fit in. I got caught in a bad circle of friends and got into a lot of trouble, I too lived on the streets but it was my own choosing." He started realizing this as he spoke. "Everything I did seemed to be wrong, everything I touched turned to shit, everything I said was fucked up. I feel like I'm not supposed to be here, everything I ever had was taken from me, everything I ever wanted, well, won't ever get. Nothing seems to be right in my life, nothing seems to work out. I'm sick of it and I want out! Out of life!" He was shouting towards the end. Cane came in and asked us if we were ok.
"Yeah, we're cool." Marq said looking up in surpise at Cane and putting his second smoke out.
"Alright, just heard you yelling and got worried is all. I'll let ya stay in here for awhile if you promise not to yell anymore." Cane said as he smiled my way, then shut the door. Something told me Cane knew that we needed this time alone, that we needed to finish this talk, and needed to find out the other reason we were here in the first place.
We talked for awhile longer, talked about everything, from the past, to our feelings, to where we wanted to be in 10 years. He and I were like soul mates, everything we said seemed like had rehersed it before meeting. It was strange, yet familiar all the same time. I for once felt at ease, comfortable, and safe. I knew things would work out and knew things would be ok, I knew life would go on. I liked this night, and liked the time we had together, getting to know one another and slowly my thoughts about this place changed, little by little, only because of Marq.
"I feel like shit most of the time, I feel like I want the whole fuckin' world to die, and I hate everyone. I feel like nothing matters and I don't care. Everything is dark, the world is empty, I'm empty, nothing seems to matter to me and never has. I have nothing to live for anymore, nothing to give, and nothing to take from anyone, no one. I'm alone and though I say I like it, I hate it." he talked to me as though we had known eachother for years. "Everyone says the way I feel is because of the people I'm around, the people I associate with, the music I listen to and the movies I watch. Everyone says they care about me and want what's best for me, they love me and just want me to be happy. I keep telling them that I would be happy if I could die." He looked right at me just then, not moving and not breaking contact.
"I know, I was there, not too long ago actually. I was there until just about an hour ago when I realized that I do have something to live for, that I do have a purpose in life, that I do have some worth and meaning. It wasn't until tonight that everything changed for me. It wasn't until meeting you that I looked at the world, life, and everything in between, differently. And now, for some odd reason, things make sense, not completely but alittle more, they make sense. I feel like the darkness has been lifted, if not for but a second in time, but that's alright with me. I can say I've seen what else there is to life and it's not as bad as I thought it was. That doesn't mean I have to change, doesn't mean I can't listen to the same music, watch the same movies, I just see things differently now, and I have you to thank. I know we just met and I know that we just now started really talking, but damn, it's like we've known each other forever." I looked down just then and felt a warmth come over me. I noticed he sat there taking it all in, not saying anything to me in reply.
Finally, "well I'm glad that you feel that way, and I've never done that for anyone, but that still doesn't change the way I see things. I'm glad that we got to talk tonight too, and I'm glad to know you're here and always were out there somewhere, but I'll always be the same, no matter what. It's just me, I can't change that. I'm beginning to think that I never was meant to be in this world, I got here on some freak accident and now I'm stuck. I just want to give it all up, just want to go in peace." He looked down again, his hair falling over his face as it normally was positioned.
We sat in silance again, not saying a word. I didn't know what to say to that, as I've been there too, as a matter of fact, 'til just about an hour ago. I didn't want to make matters worse for him and didn't want to seem like the light in all the darkness, as I knew what it was like to be in darkness. Sometimes you just want that and don't want to ever see the light or the other side. We sat there looking down again and not saying a word. The only thing playing was the radio that was on in the room.
Just then the the song on the radio and rang into my ears. I couldn't ignore it, I had to listen. I looked up to see if Marq was paying attention as the second verse started...he too was listening and his eyes closed.
Oh, why you look so sad,
The tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now. And don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through,
'Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less.
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad, get mad;
Don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey,
What you got to hide?
I get angry too,
Well, I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along,
'Cause even if you're wrong,
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you,
Take me in into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you,
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you, baby,
You're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own.
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you,
Take me in into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were silant, niether one of us said a word. The song played on and I felt Marq move closer to me, touch my hand and silance...
Nothing was said as the song finished but we each knew what the other was thinking, and just then, I think Marq knew that I was just like him. He sqeezed my hand and we sat there, with our heads on each other's shoulders, sitting there for what seemed like forever. The others must have forgotten about us, as no one came in to tell us it was time to go to bed, or time to do something else. We sat there together in the chairs and closed our eyes, we needn't speak as we knew what was being said. I'd never felt this with anyone else, it was something new, new to both of us. I had finally found someone that I'd been looking for, but never knowing it. I had just hoped that he had too.
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Fiction At: Fictional Fantasies // Angst Anonymous // Love ~ Rasslin' Style
