Oh, why you look so sad,
The tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now. And don't be ashamed to cry,
Let me see you through,
'Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
You don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less.
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad, get mad;
Don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey,
What you got to hide?
I get angry too,
Well, I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along,
'Cause even if you're wrong,
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you,
Take me in into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you,
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you, baby,
You're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own.
I'll stand by you,
I'll stand by you,
Won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you,
Take me in into your darkest hour,
And I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
The Pretenders
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I wrote the words to that same song Marq and I had listend to last night in the smoking lounge. I had memorized them, carved them into my mind, and in my heart. The sun shown through the window, much to my disliking. I sat on the end of bed, legs folded under me, writing, I had to write, nothing was gonna stop me. I realized it was only 7 o'clock and that would give me about an hour before wake up and breakfast. I needed this time, this time to myself.
What can I say? The time that we shared for that few hours, that time was enough to last a whole life through. I talk about my friends, the people that I miss, the way life used to be but a few weeks ago. I talk about how I want it all back. But to give all that up for another night like the last, I would do it in a heart beat. I've never had the feelings I had last night, they were new and strange, but good and warming. Somewhere deep within I knew that he too was feeling something of the same. I describe the way I felt what he felt, thought has he though, and knew what his racing mind was doing. It was refreshing to know that somewhere, someone was out there too much like me and that I was thankful for.
I sat there thinking about the converstation that Cane and I had earlier that day, about how Cane too had his dark hours and that is what brought him to doing what he does now, and does so well. I started thinking about really changing my life around, making something of myself, something I'd thought I'd never be able to do. I started thinking about how I too could help those in need, the young ones that feel there's no place in this world for them, that no one understands. Because I know now that somewhere there is a place in the world for them, and that someone does understand. They may not have found them just yet, but they will and maybe I'll be that one?
I was dazed in all my thoughts as I jumped at the sound of the knock at the door. An hour had passed and I missed the call for breakfast. Cane was standing in the hallway waiting for me to come to the dinning hall with him. I looked down the hall to see if Marq was anywhere around, but saw no one but Cane. I walked with him down the hall to breakfast, still a bit in my thoughts, not paying attention to anything or anyone around me.
"Sleep well?" Cane asked as we got behind two other kids on the unit.
"Yeah, good enough." I said and followed Cane through the line.
"Good, how's everything with you and Marq?" He smiled and gave me a little wink.
I must have blushed as he looked at me again and then moved on.
"Oh, we're fine, thanks." I said and then sat down across from him once again.
"Just makin' sure, I saw how you were in there last night, it was so good to see you talking, feeling a part of something, and alittle more relaxed." He took a bite of one of the rubbery pancakes that were covered with butter.
"Yeah, it felt pretty damn good too. I just...I worry about him. I know I'm not in that much of a different place than he is right now, but I am. That doesn't make sense to you I'm sure, but a lot changed last night, a lot!" I took a bite of my food and kept looking down for some reason.
"It does make sense, I understand, and I had hoped that last night would help you. I'm smarter than I look and smarter than most give me credit for." He laughed as he took a drink of him milk.
"Aw, I know that, I didn't mean -" he cut me off as he signed to hush with his finger over his lips.
"I know what you meant, I have to give someone shit around here!" He chuckled and went on eating.
After breakfast we had small groups again and for once I spoke more than my normal five words, everyone had a surprised look upon their faces as I told them how I had learned so much last night, how I had felt and what I was feeling this morning. I never imagined that one night would do so much, make such a difference and turn things around as it did. I only wondered what Marq was thinking at this very mintue.
It was wierd I knew everything he was thinking last night, but for some reason, today I couldn't place him. I felt very disconnected with him today and that drove me crazy. I noticed he wasn't at breakfast, which made me nervous and worried, then I noticed that he wasn't at small groups, which had me thinking. After small groups, I asked Cane if he'd seen him or knew where he was. He said he hadn't seen him and would look into it.
I sat in the corner on the heater, like normal with notebook and pen, watching others around me talk and play games. There must not have been anything too exciting on TV this afternoon as there wasn't the normal crowd gathered around to watch. Just as I opened my notebook to start writing, I noticed a shadow come over my paper. I lifted my head to find Marq standing above me.
"Hey there, where the hell have ya been?" I asked as I looked up at him.
"I was at the docs again...I woke up with a panic attack and sweating bullets. When the staff came in to get me for breakfast, they noticed and sent me to the nurse, who then sent me to talk to a shink. I hated it, ever mintue if it. I wanted to see you, I wanted to know you were alright and wanted to be with you. I didn't tell him anything about last night, I wanted that to be our secret, our time together. Just you and me. He told me to calm down a bit and then get some breakfast before coming out here. I did that and then asked Cane where you might be, forgetting that you'd be in your corner." He finished, and hit himself on the forehead.
I felt so good to know that he was thinking about me, to know that he felt the same was I did and to know that I must have made some kind of impression on him last night. I laughed as he sat down next to me, moved my feet and we sat on the heater together blocking out the rest of the room and the world outside. This was our time together again, we had one another and we knew that's all that mattered. Some how I felt that he thought maybe having me here made things alittle easier to handle while being in here.
The nurse came to me later that day and told me I had to see my doctor again. After visiting with him awhile, he let me know that my last day here would be in about a week. He let me know that he thought I was doing a lot better and had taken huge steps in progress to recovery and being healthy again. I was excited, but at the same time I felt sad. I knew that Marq wouldn't get out quite as fast and knew I'd have to leave him in here without me. I knew that he'd be devistated and didn't know what to do. I walked out of his office in silance and back to where Marq was sitting in our corner.
"How'd it go?" He asked as he moved his feet to allow me to sit down.
"Alright, nothing much. Pretty much the same old thing, ya know?" I smiled trying to hide what he had told me. I wasn't going to let him know just yet, didn't know how'd he react.
"Cool...so now what? I've been watching this stupid lame ass show on TV and I'm ready to get outta this hell hole, wanna smoke?" We both got up and walked to the lounge where we smoked and talked again. Laughing and smiling for once, about nothing at all, stupid little things that I'd never laughed at so hard in my life. It was good, felt good and good to know that we could share times like this togther. For an instant I had forgotten where I was and that I was getting released from this place soon. It felt good!
After dinner we headed to our corner where we watched wrestling, it was Monday night and every Monday night they let us watch WWF Raw, our favorite show. Many others liked it as well so we all agreed that would play on the TV for those two hours. No one really tried to mess with us on that one, as they knew we'd all chokeslam 'em or somethin'! We sat against each other and watched as our favorites battled back and fourth and the storylines unfolded yet another week, normally pissing us off. The others were yelling and cheering at the TV while we talked between us and discussed the matches after each one took place. Yet another thing that we shared in common.
Right before our last smoke for the night, Mark asked me something as we headed down the hall to the lounge.
"What are you going to do when you get outta here?" I looked at me and grabbed my hand.
"I don't know, good question. I have so much to think about in a week." damn I slipped, shit he knows now. I thought as I struggled to finish the sentance. "I guess I'll be thinking about that and I'll let ya know soon. I hope that whatever I do will be with you." I looked at him with tears in my eyes, a side that neither of us normally shows. I knew that things would be hard on both of us, even though we've only shared a short time together, that short time would last forever and more. "I don't understand...a...a week?" He said as he looked at me, tears forming in his eyes too. "Yeah, I didn't want to tell you just yet, I wanted to figure out what to say and figure out how you'd take it. I'm sorry." now both of us were crying as we sat in the lounge together in the same chairs we sat in last night.
"Nah, don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Like I said, just when somethin' good happens, it get's taken away and fucked up. I wasn't betting on anything too good to come of this. It's just life, I guess. Get fucked every time!" He said as he looked down, hair falling over his eyes, the way I loved it. "Don't you dare say that, don't you fuckin' say that! Things aren't fucked, and things can still be good. We just need to work on getting you outta here soon too so we can live and be together out of here! Nothing, and I mean nothing has been taken away from you I said in the sternest, toughest voice I could muster between tears. I was getting upset and angered by his way of thinking at this point, but somehow knew this was how he'd react.
"It's just...damn...I don't know. It's just that every time something good happens that I think will turn out, it get's messed up. And I know, that's life, people have been telling me that forever. I just really wish this wasn't one of those times, one of those things that get's taken away from me. DAMN!" He sat quiet not moving for awhile, finally reaching in his pocket to get a smoke.
I sat as smoked with him, listening to the radio again and not talking. Thinking about what had gone on in just two short days and the powerful feelings that both of us shared and had, for each other and for the situation. I didn't know what to say, was at a loss for words and my head was pounding. I wanted something to be said, something to make everything ok, something to make him see that things can work out.......nothing, silance.
He moved closer to me, at once, laying his head on my shoulder and put his hand on my knee. I had my legs pulled up to my stomach and had my head resting on them. We sat there together like that for the rest of the time before bed time. Nothing was said, but yet again everything was felt...
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Fiction At: Fictional Fantasies // Angst Anonymous // Love ~ Rasslin' Style
