I knew this wouldn't last forever, I wished it would. I stood up from my chair to let his head fall softly back toward the wall. I didn't know what I was gonna do with him still in here and me out finally. I wished that he was getting out sooner than he was expected to. I talked to Cane and he said that they didn't expect him to be released for probably another month or so.
I walked down the hall, slowly, saddened expression on my face and hands in the pockes of my oversized jeans. I wanted to know what he was thinking, but for the past few days he hasn't said much, but I could tell he cared for me as much as I cared for him.
It was different, and things had changed since I first entered here. I had come to know the lighter side of life, learned how to laugh again and learned what it was like to enjoy the small things. I won't lie and say that I didn't enjoy dabbling in the darkness every now and then, but I found it to be much more plesent when you're not so dark and depressed all the time.
I wanted to leave something special with Mark, I wanted to leave him with good words of advice and let him know that I'd be waiting for him when he got out, that I wasn't going anywhere and that no one would take his place in my heart, ever. I just couldn't find the words to say so and wanted to find that special something that he'd remember me by.
"What's up?" I heard a low soft voice asking. I turned to find Cane walking toward my corner.
Though I was feeling so much better than I'd felt in years, I still claimed that corner as mine. I sat there thinking as he approched me and started talking to me.
"I know you're upset about having to leave and Mark staying in here. I know that you care for each other so very much, and if you truly do love each other, that love will never die. But, he's still working through a lot and for us to send him out of here now, would be asking for trouble, him and us both. I know that you've changed a lot since you've come here, and that's wonderful to see, does my heart well knowing that yet another person has been helped and will live a better and more filling life. However, some don't get things as fast and well as you did. Some don't understand and some never understand. I don't mean to scare you or bring you down, I'm just being open with ya. I care for you both and just want you both to be happy. While I know that Mark would say "If you want us to be happy, let me out." But that's not how it works I'm afraid." He was now sitting in front of the heater that I sat on. I listened to his every word, as he never talked a lot, aways wanted us to do the talking. It was interesting the thing he had to say and understood as much as I wanted not to.
"I do understand Cane, I do. I just wish there was something I could say, something I could do that would make him realize like I did. I know that not everyone understands the same, and everyone gets things as quickly, but I just wish there was something I could say that would make it click for him." I sighed deeply and looked out the window.
"I know, and maybe there is, just take your time and think about it, you've still got a few days in here. It will come and if it's meant to be, you'll figure it out. I know you will." He patted my back and stood up to leave. I think he could tell I wanted to be alone right now.
"Thanks." I sighed again not looking in Cane's direction.
I sat there awhile longer thinking, thinking about the perfect thing to say to Mark before I left. Nothing came to mind, only anger, frustration and hurt. I wanted to punch something, I wanted to scream, but I couldn't, I wouldn't.
I heard someone approching me, but didn't look over. I felt a hand on my back, but didn't look up. I could tell it was Mark, I knew his energy, his touch.
"Hey girl, what's goin' on?" He said as he took up the chair Cane was sitting in.
"Not much. Just chillin' I guess. You?" I asked not looking at him still.
"Nothin' just woke up and noticed you weren't there. Somethin' wrong?" He asked talking more than he had in days.
"Nah, just thinkin' that's all." I looked into his green softened eyes, seeing nothing but pain and sadness in them.
"Mmmmm...somehow I'm not buyin' it girl! I don't think you're just thinkin'...I know there's somethin' deeper, something eatin' at ya. Wanna talk?" He started running his hand up and down my arm lightly.
"Nah, not right now, I'm cool, really." I said.
"O-OK, I'll let ya be, but I still think somethin's not right." He sighed and then moved up to the heater with me. We sat on the heater together watchin' RAW that night on TV. The other kids yellin' and cheerin' for their favorites. We sat close, holding one another not saying anything, just watchin' the show, listening to the TV an those around us. No one noticed us or paid attention to us, we just sat in our corner together as one.
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It was the day I was leave the ward...I wasn't sure I was ready to handle this day. I had spent the last two days thinking about this day, more for the things I would say to Mark, and having to leave a good friend Cane. Although he was staff member, I really looked up to him and trusted him...we were two of the same as well.
I sat on my bed writing until breakfast call, then off the dinning room. I found a spot near Cane and some others, but didn't see Mark anywhere. I asked Cane if he'd seen him, but Cane hadn't either. I began getting worried about it...thinking terrible things. I had been having wierd, horrifying dreams, but didn't think they'd be happening in reality.
I had finished breakfast and talking to Cane and was walking down the hall towards my room to gather my things. I wanted to get my special crystal and ring that I had planned on giving to Mark before I left. Also, I had a letter that I'd written to Cane I wanted to grab as well. I realized that things for me toward the end weren't at all like normal "mental ward" happenings. They were being very loose with their directions and trusting me more and more. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, as was for my whole stay here...it was nothing like what it could have been.
As I was walking, I could hear someone behind me, I wanted to turn around so badly, knowing that Mark was back there, but didn't. I slowed down, and waited, wanting to see if he'd catch up with me.
Finally, he stopped behind me, not saying a word. I turned around slowly to see him. I gasped at the sight. I wasn't expecting it at all...I almost felt myself fainting on the spot...right there in the hallway. His face was splatered with blood and his wrists were slashed open with deep cuts. I had opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I was appauled at the sight, I didn't know what to say. This was not going to get him out any faster if that's what he was thinking.
"OOMY GOD! What the fuck?!" I gasped again and turned away from him. "What the hell are you thinking?" I turned toward him looking again almost getting sick to my stomach at the sight.
"I just didn't know what to do, I can't express my feeling like you can, I can't talk freely. I'm a mess, and I don't know what to do." He looked me straight in the eye and stood there, blood flowing from his wrists.
"well, that's no reason for you to slash your wrists and cut your face, what the hell?" I knew I couldn't be too hard on him as I'd done the same thing not long ago, but fuck, he wasn't getting himself out any faster by doing this.
Just as I started to speak again, Cane came around the corner, this was it. I knew he was in for it now. As Cane aproached, he mouth dropped to the floor. "What the hell? How'd you do this?" Cane looked right at Mark and took him by the shoulder.
"This won't get you out any faster, you know that don't you?" Cane said as he started pushing Mark toward the door to get him cleaned up and his cuts looked at.
"Yeah I know, I just didn't know what else to do." Mark said walking with Cane, not giving him any trouble. I could see the hurt and pain in Mark's eyes today more than any other day. I just wanted to shake him for doing this though.
"Well, I wanna know how ya did this? What sharp object did you get ahold of?" Cane asked as they were waiting for nurse to come and examine him.
"I have my ways, fuck off." He started getting hostile toward Cane, fighting him and trying to get out of his grip. That made me angry at him. He must have known that because he backed off a little when he looked my way.
I could feel my heart breaking, as I understood why Mark did what he did, but it hurt as this was something that he shouldn't have done and it only pushed is release further away. I realized he wasn't thinking long term, and wasn't thinking much at all. I wanted to shake the hell out of him, slap some sense into him, but I knew the feeling all too well.
"I'm gonna go to my corner Cane, I'll be there until group. Let me know when Mark is done please, ok?" I looked sadly into Cane's eyes, he knew I was hurt and upset with Mark.
"OK, sounds good...will do girl!" Cane smiled softly at me, and I tried to smile back, but failed to do so.
I went to my corner and waited for group, the last group I'd have in here. I thought about Mark and all that we'd shared even while being in here. I thought about what we talked about those nights in the smoking lounge and the way we felt about one another. I thought about what things would be like when he got out, what we'd do and what I'd do while waiting for him.
The lady's voice over the speaker announced group time and I walked slowly to the room where Cane and other's sat. No Mark still...I began to worry again.
I looked around one more time before group began, but not seeing Mark. Cane looked at me with a reassuring look before he started.
We did our normal intros and once everyone had their turn, Cane started to talk to all of us. He started to tell us the story of two special young people...after he'd been telling this story for a short while, I realized it was Mark and I. Tears began to flow from my eyes and others started noticing it was me. I couldn't help but start crying, harder and harder. Cane finally stopped, though his message was a good one, a positive one, it was hard for me to listen to. I realized exactly what he'd thought of this whole thing and that I had been a good example of what could come from being in here. Thought it was just hard to listen to someone else talk about it while I was there.
I looked into Cane's eyes as group ended and no Mark. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to know how he was doing and where he was. Cane said he'd go look for him. I nodded and stayed in the room where group had just been.
I waited there for what seemed to be forever, finally Cane came back in and put his hand on my shoulder. I jumped from his touch, though I knew it wasn't Mark, it still felt calming for some reason. I turned around with question in my eyes.
"Any luck?" I asked before Cane spoke.
"He's ok, he'll be here in a mintue to see you before you go." Cane's eyes were sad and I started to cry again, as Cane came around to rub my back.
"It will be ok, everything will be ok. I know you're upset, I understand, but don't give up doll. You're doin' great. I truly admire you for all you've shown and given here. You've shown so much improvement, it does my heart wonders to know that you're so healthy again." He placed his hand over mine and squeezed. Just as I looked up at him again, Mark entered the room. Just as Mark entered, Cane left closing the door behind him.
"Well, guess this is good-bye huh?" He looked right into my eyes.
"Well, uh, n-n-no! It's not good-bye, good-bye for forever, and this isn't forever." I tried to say in the most reassuring and strong voice I could muster.
"Oh? I thought you were outta here today?" He looked confused.
"Well, yeah, I am, but that doesn't mean good-bye, I'll be waitin' for ya to get out yourself, thought you understood that? I ain't goin' no where!" I tried to say clearly, though I could feel the tears welling up again.
"I guess...whatever you say!" He said looking away from me.
"What the fuck? What are you talking like that for? I thought we agreed that I'd wait for you to get out and that we'd join together again? I thought that we agreed that we cared for each other and loved one another? Isn't that true anymore?" I wrinkled my face in confussion.
"Well, yeah...we did." He said softly.
"Well, then don't talk like that...stop it now! I'm getting pissed off. You can't talk like that, you'll start thinking like that and that's not good. You need to keep your head up and think positive. You need to get out of here and you're not going to talkin' and thinkin' like that. Ya hear me?" I said in a stern pissed off voice.
"Yeah." He looked down kicking at the ground.
"OK then." I paused and pulled out the crystal and ring I wanted to give to him, along with a letter I had written with what I wanted to tell him, but couldn't speak the words. I knew he'd understand, or so I thought.
"These are for you. My ring in which I've worn forever, through good and bad times, for years I've worn this, it's become a part of me. And this crystal I've kept with me, it's a meaning of hope and light." I opened his hand and gave him the reminders or me.
He accepted and closed his hand after I placed the objects within.
"Thank you. I will never let them go. I will never let them leave my side." He brought this hand to his heart and looked into my eyes.
"I do love you, and I care for you more than you'll ever know. Read this when I'm gone...and know that I'll be waiting. 'Til then, I'll be thinkin' bout ya and be with ya in spirit." I moved closer to him, hugged him so deeply, not wanting to let go. He embraced me with open arms and holding me close, I could feel his sadness. I wanted to take it all away, but knew full well I coudln't do so.
"I'll miss ya! But I'm cheerin ya on! I'm your number one fan!" I smiled and whipped away his tears.
"Thanks. I'll miss ya too, and know that I love you more than I've ever loved before." He said still holding onto my arm, not wanting to let go. "I'll be outta here soon, I promise." He tried to smile a small one.
"I hope so, I'll be waitin' you can bet on that." I looked straight into his eyes. He smiled and I smiled back hugging one final time before I had to go, as Cane peaked his head into the room, telling me it was time for me to go.
"Be strong Mark, I know you can do this and I'll always be with you." I blew him a kiss and started out the door. I turned back once to see him sitting there, noticing his bandages on his wrists. I felt my heart sink but knew I had to strong for him, for us.
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A few days after being off the ward, I had gotten myself a job and completed my work from school to finish my junior year of high school. I wanted to know how Mark was doing, though I couldn't get in contact with him. They didn't allow calls from friends, just family. Even thought Cane worked on the unit, I wasn't allowed and didn't press the issue.
My mother came by my room and asked for me to come out. I came to the door and she gave me the phone. I hadn't heard the phone ring, but that didn't surprise me as I was working on a painting I wanted to complete and was deep in thought.
"Hello" I said with question in my voice.
"Hi, it's Cane." the soft voice came over the phone. It didn't sound good.
"Hi." I said with question now in my voice.
"I have some bad news for you. Please sit down, it's gonna be heard to swollow. I hate to do this to you. I really do, especially after how far you've come since entering the ward. But..." his words trailed off to silance for a moment and then "Mark was found dead this morning. He had snuck pills for awhile and overdosed after slashing the hell out of his entire body and leaving a note." Cane was silant. I was silant.
I dropped the phone and realized it a few minutes later, when I picked it up again and heard Cane's voice.
"Hello? Hello?" He was almost yelling.
"Hi, I'm here." I said softly, almost silant.
"The note was for you, I just don't know if you want to hear it, or come and read it for youself?" He asked softly.
"Um, ah, I'll come there. I'll be right there." I said and hung up the phone.
My mom asked what was going on. I told her everything and how he'd helped me realize so much, how he's helped me change and become the new women I was. She gave me a huge hug and then walked with me to the car to drive to the hospital.
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I ran inside and up the stairs not waiting for mom to come with. She came following me and entered the ward, Cane letting her in. I sat down on the couch near the door and read the letter Cane handed to me.
The tears filled my eyes and I couldn't understand. I thought that we had something together, I thought we agreed on this together. I thought there was a together, evidently I was wrong.
I cried sitting there on the couch, the other's in the room not looking at me, Cane came over and placed his hand on my shoulder. I could feel him trying to comfort me, mom standing over me as well. I knew they cared and loved me, but I felt nothing but hurt and pain.
He had signed the note in blood and what he wrote was too painful to even comprehend at the moment. I dropped the letter and fell into Cane's arms as he embraced me with his huge arms, trying just be there for me. Mom combed threw my hair trying to let me know she was there too, and I knew and was ever so greatful, but I wanted to see him again. I wanted to him why, wanted to see him one last time. I didn't understand, I probably never would.
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The funeral was held at the ward chapel and the visition was the night before. I was there for it all, I met his parents, knowing full well of what he meant when he talked of them on the unit to me. After meeting them, I could understand all the more at how he felt, though they were saddened by the event, they were cold, they were distant from it all. I didn't know if that was their way of dealing or if it was just how they were? I came to the funeral the next day and sat next to Cane. He understood my pain as he'd had something similar happen to him many years ago, but he gave me hope as he always did.
"Know that you gained so much from him. And know that he's probably in a better place now. He knows that you're with him and you know he's with you. Though he's not here on earth, he's with you in spirit, just as you told him you would be when you left. He brought out the best in you and while that is no longer, you have the memories to keep you. He gave you life and while you could not give that to him, he loved you. I know you don't understand, and how could he love you and the do this, but he was hurting and in pain, and probably coudln't answer that himself. You know he couldn't answer you for why he cut his wrists that day in the room. You touched his life in more ways than you'll know and you'll touch many more in the years to come. You're a beautiful, strong, and wise young women, whom I admire greatly!" Cane smiled and gave me another hug before mom and I left the chapel.
For the first time in the past two days, I felt a warm feeling come over me. I felt that presence that he was near and that was enough. I knew that I would overcome this, and better than I had ever done before. It was like an ending that brought a new beginning and I smiled as I turned one last time toward Cane and mom and I walked hand in hand to the car, then home.
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