Hi Skip. Best of luck to you and your kids with the work that touches so many so profoundly. You are an inspiration. I wish all of you the best.
I always like your lyrics Skip and hope to eventually hear the songs themselves. I offer you a few comments/ideas on this lyric.
I like the internal rhyme in this first line. I REALLY like such writing techniques. Personally, the first line did set me up to hope for more of the fluidity that internal rhymes create. Although you use it again in verse 2, I would like to see more of it. You don't have to of course and it's not a big deal really, just thought I'd share the thought.
I find the chorus could be improved. However, it all depends on how my suggestions below fit with your music, but I'll throw it out for your consideration. Apart from the specific suggested deletions/additions, I find that you use "you" too much. Also, perhaps your title could be used more - at least once more and maybe worked in as the closing line of the chorus. Of course, that's a 'commercial' perspective which may not be your intent. However, even as a personal love song, you want to leave her humming the title.
How do I say [delete "that"] I love you
Before I've said hello?
How can I [replace "tell you that" with "proclaim"] I want you,
And [add "finally"] let you know--
Of all the times I've watched you,
And wished that I was with you,
And brooded over all the things
That stood in my way?
Hope this helps Skip and again, best of luck in your work!
Tom
Posted on Mar 11, 2000, 11:10 AM from IP address 206.191.63.193