...I personally don't like the 'shallowness' of this guy. Not that it doesn't happen, 'cause I'm sure it does. It's just that if you have any commercial aspirations for this, I can't see any major artist wanting to perform it because it makes the protagonist out to be such an ass really. Not that the girlfriend is any better, but with a guy like that I can understand why she'd cheat. Just my own personal reaction.
I agree with Shayne's condensing and'll add a bit of my own below. I'm not sure about the meter and syllable count, so re-examine that. A few suggestions below.
I picked up my telephone,
[Called] my baby but she wasn't home,
Climbed [delete "up" -- I don't think you can climb down] into my pick up truck,
Drove [delete "down"] to Shotgun's bar lookin' for luck.
[Delete "Well I"] Walked right in determined to find,
A Broken hearted lady lookin' for a good time,
[This line in particular makes this guy come across like real trash IMO]
I looked around and I spotted a few,
Then I saw a blonde haired beauty at a table for two.
When I saw her with him I didn't know what to do,
So I walked right up to that table for two,
I asked the blonde haired beauty for a dance,
She said only if it comes with some romance.
[I don't find this last line as very believable -- maybe just me.]
Well we went out and we danced all night,
And my sweet baby seemed to be doin' fine,
It's safe to say we were through right there and then,
'Cause we had gone to far to repent for our sins.
[The turnabout here seems like a quick exit. A bit too quick -- I dunno.]
Keep at it Brent. Tryin' to help and just one guys opinion.
Tom
Posted on Mar 11, 2000, 12:25 PM from IP address 206.191.5.165