Mostly fine, but......

by

 

Oddly enough, what I like about this song the least is the title. It simply doesn't work, IMO. If the singer was a businessperson that left the office behind for paradise (or dreams of doing so), then it would work perfectly. But the way you have it, it just comes out of nowhere. Besides, "gonna make it real" doesn't really say anything. And "such eccentricity" doesn't work, because you haven't established that anything in the "beach culture" is eccentric, per se. And shouldn't it be "That 52 by 50..."?

Trust me on this-- establish that this person is tired of the office before the chorus, and you've got yourself a song even better than everyone's told you this is so far. This is one rewrite away, IMO. You're almost there! Good luck!




Posted on Mar 23, 2000, 4:31 PM
from IP address 136.1.1.101


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